Tomlinsoniana - Edward Bulwer Lytton
TOMLINSONIANA
By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
OR,
THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS
OF THE CELEBRATED
AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON,
PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF -------
ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS,
AND COMPRISING
I
MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME
HIS OWN ROGUE.
II
BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
INTRODUCTION.
Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
alluded in the latter pages of "Paul Clifford," and which his pupils
deemed it advisable to hide from--
"The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,"
his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the
case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you
his genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a little
black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These
interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was
consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays
and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom
of his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured
from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the
German press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would
confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to
the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon
they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if
they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that
principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its
detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even
condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is
but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
CONTENTS.
MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
every Man may become his own Rogue
BRACHYLOGIA:
On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
Emulation
Caution against the Scoffers of "Humbug"
Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
Dum deflnat Amnis
Self-Glorifiers
Thought on Fortune
Wit, and Truth
Auto-theology
Glorious Constitution
Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
better than Ability
Common-sense
Love, and Writers on Love
The Great Entailed
The Regeneration of a Knave
Style
MAXIMS
ON
THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME
HIS OWN ROGUE.
Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb.
I.
Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
begin with, "It is an acknowledged fact," etc. Sir Robert Filmer was a
master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that
great man attempted to cheat! "It is a truth undeniable that there
cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc.,
but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in
nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir
to Adam!"
II.
When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking on
the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you
exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
cheating. "For the love of God, sir, a penny!"
III.
Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of "The Laws of Nature." As
those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody.
Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the
dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, "Here!"
IV.
Yield to a man's tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
V.
When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
opinion.
VI.
Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the
statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even
the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
man's virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his
infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to
the Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a
rogue professionally. Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est quod
idem.--EDITOR.]--"flies that feed on the sore part, and would have
nothing to live on were the body in health."--[Tatler].
VII.
Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one has
a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided for
this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought, misfortunes
painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities which the
atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering some affecting
sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest misfortune you
ever had in your life; habit will soon make the association of tears and
that melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous. I knew, my dear
pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who obtained a charming legacy from
an old poet by repeating the bard's verses with streaming eyes. "How
were you able to weep at will?" asked I (I was young then, my pupils).
"Je pensois," answered he, "a mon pauvre pere, qui est mort." The union
of sentiment with the ability of swindling made that Frenchman a most
fascinating creature!
VIII.
Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for
human art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man's
mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to "the pains taken with his
education," and "the blessings of civilized society!"
IX.
Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not, decide
the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing
indicates imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, "that the most
celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins
his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, 'There is no doubt in
this book!'"
X.
There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating
by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then
grows into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested
persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its
captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that
L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament!
Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a
shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with
"His Royal Highness" at the top, plays the devil with English guineas.
A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the
ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture,
and other public virtues!
XI.
Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. "He possessed," saith the
biographer, "the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling]; the
most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most noble
fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one man,
and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over the mind
of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing their purses or
seducing their actions]." Wherefore, if luck cast you in humble life,
assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to accomplish
you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be thoroughly
versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself to be
eminent!
XII.
The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear
generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity
is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well
as a Spanish cloak.
XIII.
When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number
of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the
cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference
that will alone dupe the rest of the world. "That Mr. Lynx is
satisfied," will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of your
intentions! Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on
their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to
them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their
lawyer. My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of
art. He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with
no other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you
think?--the Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
XIV.
Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour,
those which cost much. The first,--flattery, attention, answering
letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you
intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is worth
gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving yourself,
you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence, and
good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour--a long
subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue, a
quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person
difficult to blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth
not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains for
small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more
_grandeur d'ame!_--[Greatness of soul].
XV.
Always forgive.
XVI.
If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may
once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult to
get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. The
components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an
inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without even
self--gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human
ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of
superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the commonness of
charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence
you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty and
arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
institutions.
XVII.
Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
XVIII.
When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the
small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express
myself clearly--take an example. In London there are sharpers who
advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only
conferred with. The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to
see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the
property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses
will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas. Let him speak
confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest
stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so
paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the
matter related to halfpence!
XIX.
Lord Coke has said: "To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
it." Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be traced
to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow tracking it
up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say, with a smile,
"Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your ingenuity;" or else
look grave, colour up, and say, "I fancy, sir, there is no warrant for
this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!" The Devil can
quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is too!
XX.
Rochefoucauld has said: "The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
love of favour." The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any
man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he
possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has attacked.
Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our value for
the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge is born
from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres
molested, or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is
hatred for the rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor
devil who is always railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to
be bribed!
XXI.
My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the
practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers. The
heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this in
the knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of
life! When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is
your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time.
Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath better
expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most
accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the
murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which,
doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,--
"Your eyes drop millstones, where fools' eyes drop tears--
I like you, lads!"
Can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
dropped those loving words, "I like you, lads!"
XXII.
As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper
be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily,
good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness. And
good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
XXIII.
BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a
knave. What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he
must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in
the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of
human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining;
he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all
that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from
all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed into
the fool--the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art of
cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is
_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and
the shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the
glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple
of mine. I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, "Could it be
seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!" None but those who
are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims,
nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head
be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter with
profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple of the
Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most treasured
relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
TEN CHARACTERS.
I.
The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities
are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of
firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system
of thought. A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation
grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A
man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never
given his attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy
to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open.
Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and
put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
II.
The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of
this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first
sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have one
hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually
ostentatious. A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye
upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is
anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to
know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious to
repose his selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows
ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that
show which wins consideration. At him on this point, my pupils!
III.
The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good
subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable
portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against
these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of
himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make a
man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of the
delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent
insensibility in those he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is
peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he
exacts in love, as from the world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females
must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like
Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped. Mem.--Among
persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours, and
peculiarities which are each a handle. No man lives out of the world
with impunity to the solidity of his own character. Every new outlet to
the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
IV.
The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of
robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits
in courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my
good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all
his good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he
finds you out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung.
Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes a
tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never
commit any illegal offence,--aren't there cat's-paws for the chestnuts?
As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred oppressions,
which you need not explain to him), and his character is especially
hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we describe into
braving the laws of his country. Yes! the bold, generous, frank, and
affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be sure of a
halter!
V.
The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat you,
my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the stuff
from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave such a
man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools when
he has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good young
men!
VI.
The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the
ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not by
any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the
thickness of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best
person to manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful
women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the
Delilah.
VII.
The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier,
the man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit
antagonist,--often the successful and conquering rival of Character V.
You perceive a man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the
mere butterfly talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see at
cards to the person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the
Chesterfield, from the Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is difficult
to give you an exact notion of the weak points of a character so various.
But while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider him, my
attentive pupils, by no means a very difficult character for an inferior
to dupe. And in this manner you must go about it. Do not attempt
hypocrisy; he will see through it in an instant. Let him think you at
once, and at first sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter yourself;
but let him think you a useful rogue. Serve him well and zealously; but
own that you do so, because you consider your interest involved in this.
This reasoning satisfies him; and as men of this character are usually
generous, he will acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops,
and stimulating you with bountiful cordials. Should he not content you
herein, appear contented; and profit in betraying him (that is the best
way to cheat him), not by his failings, but by opportunity. Watch not
his character, but your time.