Happiness and Marriage - Elizabeth (Jones) Towne
HAPPINESS AND MARRIAGE
BY
ELIZABETH TOWNE
"The inner side of every cloud
Is bright and shining;
I therefore turn my clouds about,
And always wear them inside out--
To show the lining."
--_James Whitcomb Riley_.
"And I will show that there is no imperfection in the
present, and can be none in the future,
And I will show that whatever happens to anybody
it may be turned to beautiful results."
--_Walt Whitman_.
1904
CHAPTER I.
TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.
"Some dear relatives of mine proposed Ada as my future bride. I like Ada
and I gladly accepted the offer, and I mean to wed her about the middle
of this year. Is this a working of the Law of Attraction? I want to make
our married life happy and peaceful. I long for a wedded life of pure
blessedness and love and joy without even a pinhead of bitterness ever
finding lodgment in our household. How can I attain this state of peace?
This is what I now do: I enter into the Silence daily at a particular
hour and enjoy the mental picture of how I desire to be when married. Am
I right? Please tell me how to make my ideal real." Tudor, Island of
Ceylon.
The above letter comes from a member of the Success Circle who is a
highly cultured and interesting looking native East Indian. We have a
full length photo of him in native costume.
He asks if "this is the working of the Law of Attraction." Certainly it
is. Just as the sun acts through a sheet of glass so the Law of
Attraction acts through the conventionalities of a race. Whatever comes
together is drawn together by the Law. Whatever is held together is held
by that same Law of Attraction.
This is just as true in unhappy marriages as in happy ones. If two
people are distinctly enough individualized; that is, if they understand
and command themselves sufficiently; their attraction and marriage will
bring to them only pleasure. If they are not distinctly enough
individualized there will be a monkey-and-parrot experience whilst they
are working out the wisdom _for which they were attracted_.
When soda and sour milk are drawn together there is a great stew and
fizz, but the end thereof is sweetness and usefulness. So with two
adverse and uncontrolled natures; but out of the stew comes added
wisdom, self-command and rounded character for each.
When each has finished the work of helping the other to develop they
will either find themselves _really_ in love with each other, or they
will fall apart. _Some stronger attraction will separate them at the
right time_--perhaps through divorce, perhaps through death.
_All_ our goings and comings are due to the Law of Attraction. The Law
of Attraction giveth, and it taketh away. _Blessed_ is the Law. _Let_ it
work. And forget not that _all_ things are due to its working.
This does not mean that the Law has no way of working _except_ through
the conventionalities of a people. Many times the attraction is to break
away from the conventional. _The stronger attraction always wins_--
whatever is, is _best_ for _that time and place_.
"Tudor" says he "enters into the silence daily at a particular hour and
enjoys the mental picture of how he desires to be when married."
His success all depends upon the _equity_ in that picture; upon its
truth to the law of being.
An impractical idealist lives in the silence with beautiful pictures of
"how he desires to be when married." When he gets married there isn't a
single detail of his daily experience which is like his mental picture.
He is sadly disappointed and perhaps embittered or discouraged.
It all depends upon the picture. If Tudor's picture contains a benignant
lord and master and a sweet little Alice Ben Bolt sort of wife who shall
laugh with delight when he gives her a smile and wouldn't hurt his
feelings for a farm; who does his bidding before he bids and is always
content with what he is pleased, or able, to do for her; if this is the
style of Tudor's mental picture he is certainly doomed to
disappointment.
I have a suspicion that Tudor is a natural born teacher. His mental
pictures may represent himself as a dispenser of moral and mental
blessings. He may see Ada sitting adoringly at his feet, ever eager to
learn. If so there will certainly be disappointment. East Indian girls
may be more docile than American girls; East Indian men may be better
and wiser lords and masters; but "Ada" is a Human Being before she is an
East Indian; and a Human Being instinctively revolts from a life passed
in leading strings. If Tudor continues to remind her that he is her
schoolmaster she will certainly revolt; inwardly if not outwardly.
Whether the revolt comes inwardly or outwardly harmony is doomed.
The first principle of happy marriage is _equality_. The second
principle is _mutual confidence_, which can NEVER exist without the
first.
I do not mean by "equality" what is usually meant. One member of the
married twain may be rich, the other poor in worldly goods; one an
aristocrat, the other plebeian; one educated, the other unschooled; and
yet they may be to each other what they are in _truth_, equals.
Equality is a _mental state_, not a matter of birth or breeding, wisdom
or ignorance. The TRUTH is that _all_ men and women are equal; all are
sparks of the One Life; all children of the one highly aristocratic
"Father"; all heirs to the wisdom and wealth of the ages which go to
make up eternity.
But all men and women are more or less unconscious, in spots at least,
of this truth. They spend their lives "looking down" upon each other.
Men "look down" upon their wives as "weak" or "inferior," and women look
down upon their husbands as "animals" or "great brutes." Men are
contemptuous of their wives visionariness, and women despise their
husbands for "cold and calculating" tendencies.
Every man and woman values certain qualities highly, and in proportion
as another fails to manifest these particular qualities he is classed as
"low," and his society is not valued.
This is the great source of trouble between husbands and wives. Each
values his or her own qualities and despises the other's. So _in their
own minds_ they are not equal, and the first principle of harmony is
missing.
The real truth is that in marriage a man is schoolmaster to his wife
_and she is equally schoolmistress to him._ This is true in a less
degree, of _all_ the relationships of life.
The Law of Attraction draws people together _that they may learn_.
There is but one Life, which is growth in wisdom and knowledge.
There is but one Death, _which is refusal to learn_.
If husbands and wives were equals _in their own minds_ they would not
despise each other and _refuse to learn_ of each other.
The Law of Attraction, or Love, almost invariably attracts opposites,
and for their own good. A visionary, idealistic woman is drawn to a
practical man, where, kick and fuss and despise each other as they will,
she is bound to become more practical and he more idealistic. They
exchange qualities in spite of themselves; each is an unconscious agent
in rounding out the character and making more abundant the life of the
other.
Much of this blending of natures is accomplished through passion, the
least understood of forces. And the children of a union of opposites,
even where there is _great_ contempt and unhappiness between the
parents, are almost invariably _better balanced_ than _either_ of the
parents.
I cannot believe that unhappy marriages are "mistakes" or that they
serve no good purpose. The Law of Attraction draws together those who
need each other at that particular stage of their growth. The
unhappiness is due to their own foolish _refusal_ to learn; and this
refusal is due to their contempt for each other. They are like naughty
children at school, who cry or sulk and refuse to work out their
problems. Like those same naughty children they _make themselves_
unhappy, and fail to "pass" as soon as they might.
Remember, that contempt for each other is at the very bottom of all
marital unhappiness. The practical man despises his wife's impulsive
idealism and tries to make her over. The wife despises his "cold and
calculating" tendencies and tries to make him over. That means war, for
it is impossible to make over _anybody but yourself_.
_Because_ the man despises his wife's tendencies and she despises his,
it never occurs to either to try making over _themselves_, thus helping
along the very thing they were drawn together for.
If Tudor's picture holds two people who are _always_ equal though
utterly different; whose future actions are an unknown quantity to be
taken as they come and each action to be met in a spirit of _respect_
and inquiry, with a view to understanding and learning from it; if over
and through all his picture Tudor spreads a glow of _purpose_ to
preserve _his own_ respect and love _for her_, at all costs;--if this is
the sort of picture Tudor makes in the silence he will surely realize it
later.
It requires but one to strike the keynote of respect and personal
freedom in marriage; the other will soon come into harmony.
You can readily see that all marital jars come from this lack of
equality in the individual mind. If a man thinks he is perfectly able to
take care of and to judge for himself he resents interference from
another. On the other hand if he believes his wife is equally able to
judge for _herself_, he _never_ thinks of interfering with her actions.
Of course the same is true of the wife. It is lack of respect and
confidence which begets the making-over spirit in a family, and from
this one cause arises all in harmony.
Individual freedom is the _only_ basis for harmonious action; not only
in marriage but in all other relationships of life.
And individual freedom _cannot_ be granted by the man or woman who
considers his or her judgments superior to the judgments of another. A
man _must_ accord his wife _equal_ wisdom and power with himself, else
he _cannot_ free her to act for herself. A woman must accord her husband
that same equality, or she _cannot_ leave him free.
It is human (and divine) nature to correct what we believe to be wrong.
Only in believing that the other "king (or queen) can do no wrong," lies
the possibility of individual freedom, in marriage or out.
The man or woman who knows he or she is believed in and trusted is very
careful to _deserve_ that trust. Did you know that? The sure way to have
your wishes consulted is to exalt and appreciate the other party. Did
you know that a man or woman will cheerfully sacrifice his or her own
opinions in order to retain the respect and love of the other? But if he
thinks the respect and love of the other party is growing less he will
give free reign to his own desires.
Married people "grow apart" for the one reason that they find fault with
each other. Of course it begins by their being disrespectful to each
other's faults, but it soon develops into disrespect of each other. From
"looking down" upon a husband's faults it is only a few short steps to
looking down upon _him_. His faults keep growing by recognition, and his
good points keep shrivelling for lack of notice, until _in your_ _mind_
there is nothing left but faults. From trying to make him over you come
to despair, and give him up as an altogether bad job.
And there isn't a grain of sense in all this madness. Stick to the TRUTH
and you will get rid of the madness and the friction, too. The truth is
that your husband, or your wife, would be an egregious _fool_ to follow
your judgments. You don't know beans from barley corn when it comes to
the actions of anybody but yourself. The One Spirit which enlightens
_you_ as to _your_ actions is also enlightening your other half as to
_her_ actions; and do you suppose this Spirit is going to favor _you_
with better judgment about your other half's duties, than it has given
_her?_ I guess _not_. Don't be presumptuous, my boy. Do you own little
best, and _trust_ your other half to do hers. Trust that she _is_ doing
the best.
And above all trust the One Spirit to run you both.
If you do this your wife will _rise fast_ in your esteem. And the higher
she finds herself in your esteem the harder she will try to please you--
and rise higher.
And, girls, don't forget that the shoe fits equally well the other foot.
Either man or wife can bring harmony out of chaos simply by _respecting_
the other half _and all his or her acts_.
A marriage without "even a pinhead of bitterness" is a marriage without
a pin-point of fault-finding, mental or oral.
CHAPTER II.
A TALE OF WOE.
"Why is it that, in more than two-thirds of families the wife and mother
bears not only the children but the burdens and heartaches? The husband
supplies the _money_ (generally not enough), the wife has the care of a
growing and increasing family, the best of everything is saved for
'Father' and he is waited on, etc. If the children annoy him he goes to
his club; if the wife dies, why there are plenty more women for the
asking. Thousands of women are simply starving for Love and men are
either willfully blind or wholly and utterly selfish. You possibly know
that this is quite true. Another thing that has caused me many a time to
question everything: During the Christmas holidays many times I have
seen half-clad, hungry, shivering little ones gazing longingly into the
wonderful show windows, wanting probably just one toy, while children no
more worthy drive by in carriages, having more than they want. Love,
home, mother, everything; on the other hand hunger, want, blues (many
times), and both God's children. Let us hear what you have to say about
this." B. B.
Why does the mother in two-thirds of the families bear not only the
children but the burdens and heartaches? _Because she is too thoughtless
and inert not to_. It is _easier_ to submit to bearing children than it
is to rise up and take command of her own body. It is easier to carry
burdens than to wake up and _fire_ them. It is easier to "bear" things
and grumble than it is to kick over the traces and _change_ them. To be
sure, most women are yet under the hypnotic spell of the old race belief
that it is woman's duty to "submit" herself to any kind of an old
husband; but that is just what I said--women find it easier to go
through life half asleep rather than to _think_ for themselves. Paul
says a woman is _not_ to think, she is to ask her husband to think for
her. (At least that is what the translators _say_ Paul says. Privately,
I have my suspicions that those manly translators helped Paul to say a
bit more than he meant to.) It is _easier_ to let her husband think for
her even when she doesn't like his thoughts. So she uses her brain in
_grumbling_ instead of thinking.
People who don't think are ruled by _feeling_. Women feel. They feel not
only for themselves but for other people. They shoulder the burdens of
the whole family and a few outside the family. They do it themselves--
because it is _easier_ to feel than to think. Nobody walks up to a woman
and says, "Here--I have a burden that's very heavy--_you_ carry it
whilst I go off and have a good time." No. The woman simply _takes_ the
burden and hugs it and "feels" it--and _prides herself on doing it_. And
maybe the thing _she_ hugs as a burden is no burden at all to the other
people in the family. My dear, women as a rule are chumps. They'd rather
feel _anything_ than to _think_ the right thing.
Now I'd like to know if you think a woman who has made herself round-
shouldered and wrinkled and sour-visaged over burdens--_anybody's_
burdens, real or fancied--is such a creature as attracts love or
consideration from _anybody_. Of course she is not. It is no wonder she
receives no love or consideration from her husband or anybody else. She
has made a pack mule out of herself for the carrying of utterly useless
burdens that nobody _wants_ carried and the carrying of which benefits
nobody; and now that she has grown ugly and sour at the business she
need not feel surprised at being slighted. And she need not blame folks
for slighting her. _She_ assumed the burdens; _she_ carried them; _she_
wore herself out at it; it is all her own fault. It was _easier_ for her
to feel, and grumble, than to wake up and THINK, and change things.
Nobody who _thinks_ will carry a single burden for even a single day. He
knows that fretting and worrying and grumbling only _double the burden_
and accomplish nothing.
Woman has _built herself_ for bearing children and burdens. When she
gets tired of her bargain she will _think her way out of the whole
thing_. In the meantime the harder the burdens grow the more quickly she
will revolt and make of herself something besides a burden bearer.
It is all nonsense to talk about the men being "willfully blind or
wholly and utterly selfish." No man _wants_ a burden-bearing, round-
shouldered, wrinkled and fagged-out wife. No man respects or loves a
woman who will "submit" to bearing unlimited burdens or babies either.
And if a woman "submits" and yet keeps up a continual grumbling and
nagging about it, a man simply despises her.
What every man _hopes_ for when he marries a woman, is that she will be
a bright, trim, _reasonable comrade._ If she is even half-way that she
will get all the love and consideration she can long for. But in three-
quarters of the cases of marriage the woman degenerates into a whining
bundle of _thought-less_ FEELINGS done up in a slattern's dress and
smelling like a drug-shop. Her husband in despair gives up trying to
understand her, or to love her either.
The woman in such a case is apt to suffer most. Why not? _She makes it
the business of her life to "suffer."_ She _prides_ herself on how much
she has had to "suffer," and "bear." She cultivates her "feelings" to
the limit. A man thinks it "unmanly" to _give way_ to "feelings." So he
uses all his wits to keep from doing so, and to enable him to hide his
own disappointment and make the best of life as he finds it.
A man uses his best _judgment_ when he meets disappointment. A woman
trots out her "feelings" and her best pocket-handkerchief, and calls in
the neighbors. So the woman gets the lion's share of "sympathy"--which
means that all the other women get out _their_ best handkerchiefs and
try to imagine just how _they_ would "feel" if in her place.
Of course there _are_ exceptions. I _have_ heard of men who wept and
retailed their woes; and I have heard of women with gumption.
The woman who wrote the letter at the head of this chapter is a feel-er,
not a thinker. She looks at the forlorn, bedraggled specimens of her own
sex and "_feels_" with them, never THINKING that the women themselves
have anything to do with making their conditions. She "feels" with the
woman because _she_ is a woman. Being an unthinking creature she cannot
"feel" for the man at all.
Woman is the weaker creature for no other reason than that she lives in
her "feelings."
Man is the stronger for no other reason than that he uses his wits and
his will to _control_ his feelings. "B. B." has seen children gazing
into shop windows. Immediately she imagines how _she_ would "feel" if in
their places. She does not stop to THINK that in all probability the
simple act of gazing into the window may bring more real joy to those
children than the _possession_ of the whole windowful of toys would
bring to some rich man's child. She does not _think_ that life consists
not in possessions or environment, but in the _ability to use_
possessions or environment. If she were an Edwin Abbey or a Michael
Angelo she would gaze on our chromo-bedecked walls and work herself up
into a great state of "feeling" because we had to have such miserable
daubs instead of real works of art. If she saw us gazing on an Abbey or
Angelo picture she would weep tears to think we couldn't have such
pictures instead of those hideous bright chromos on our walls. It would
never occur to her that we might be privately comparing her Abbeys and
Angelos with our chromos, _and wondering how anybody could possibly see
beauty in the Abbeys and Angelos_.
About nine-tenths of women's so-called "sympathy" is just about as
foolish and misplaced as that. If "B. B." would go up and get acquainted
with some of those small youngsters she sees gazing into the shop
windows she would find some of her illusions dispelled. She would find
among them less "longing" than she thinks, and more wonder and criticism
and pure curiosity--such as she would find in her own heart if she were
gazing at a curio collection.
I remember a large family of very small boys that I used to "feel" for,
very deeply. Poor little pinched, ragged looking fellows they were, and
always working before and after school hours. I gave them nickels and
dimes and my children's outgrown clothes, and new fleece lined gloves
for their blue little hands. They kept the clothes hung up at home and
the gloves stuffed in their pants pockets. And one day I discovered that
every one of those small youngsters had a _bank account_--something I
had never had in my life! They lived as they _liked_ to live, and I had
been harrowing my feelings and carrying their (?) burdens for nothing.
This world is _not_ a pitiful place. It is a lovely great world, full of
all sorts of people, every one of whom _exactly fits into_ his
conditions.
And the loveliest thing of all about this bright, blessed old world is
that there is not a man, woman or child in it who cannot _change_ his
environment if he doesn't like the one he now occupies. He can THINK his
way into anything.
A real, deep, tender feeling will prompt one to do all he can to
alleviate distress or add to the world's joy. _Real_ feeling prompts to
action. But this sentimental slush which slops over on anything and
everything in general is nothing but an imitation of the real thing. To
sympathize to the extent of _acting_ is good; to harrow up the feelings
when you cannot or will not act, is simply weakness.
"Feeling" is subject to the same law as water. Take away its banks and
it spreads all over creation and becomes a stagnant slough of despond.
Confine it by banks of _common-sense_ and _will_ and it grows deep and
tender and powerful, and bears blessings on its bosom.
The professional pity-er is adding to the sum total of the world's
misery.
The world is like "sweet Alice Ben Bolt"; it laughs with delight when
you give it a smile, and gets out its pocket handkerchief to weep with
you when you call it "Poor thing!"
Then it cuts its call short and runs around the corner to tell your
neighbor what a tiresome old thing you are anyway.
Never you mind the tribulations you can't help, dearie. Just wake up and
_be_ the brightest, happiest, sweetest thing you know how to be, and the
world will-be that much better off.
CHAPTER III.
TO BE LOVED.
"I desire to attract love from the Infinite or somewhere,
that I may not be starved for it, as I have been
ever since I married. My husband sneers at the New
Thought, and in fact at nearly all that is best in me."
Caroline.
And yet this woman has children to love her. She thinks she is in need
of being loved; but what she really needs is _to love_. Being loved is
the _effect_ of loving. A loving man or woman can never want for love.
Others turn to them in love as naturally as flowers turn to the sun.
In order to be loved you must _radiate_ love. Instead of trying to
attract the love of others, seek to _give_ your love to others,
_expecting nothing in return_. After a time you will find the unexpected
coming to you spontaneously.
Learn to love by loving _all_ people and _things_, and especially all
things you find to do.
This same Caroline wants to "rise above drudgery." What _is_ drudgery?
_It is simply unloved work_--nothing more nor less. _Any_ work which is
looked down upon, and which is done with the hands _whilst the heart and
mind are criticizing it_, and running out after other things,--_any_
work thus done is drudgery. Work done with the hands _and a small and
unwilling part_ of the mind, is drudgery. To her who _respects_, and
_loves_, and does with a will what she finds to do, there is
no drudgery.
Let the woman who longs to be loved begin to _love_, by practicing on
her work. To quit calling it "drudgery"; to put _all_ her mind and will
and _soul_ into _each_ piece of work as it comes; is the first and
longest step toward loving it. It is an easily demonstrated fact that we
learn to love anything we persist in doing with a whole-souled will.
To love our work enlarges our capacity for loving people, and the more
we love people, _and the more people we love_, the more radiant
we become.
It is the radiant lover whom all the world loves. Do you know that love
and the lack of love are governed by "auto-suggestion"? It is _natural_
to love, as every child does. But as we grow up we keep saying to
ourselves (this is auto-suggestion, you know) that we "don't like this,"
and we "don't like that," until really we _shut up_ our love and live in
a continual state of "don't like"--a state which in due time develops
into _hate_--hate for self as well as others. "Don't like" does it all.