Happiness and Marriage - Elizabeth (Jones) Towne
Now _cultivate_ love by auto-suggestion. Keep saying, "I _like_ this,"
and "I like that." _Hunt_ for things to like, and even tell yourself you
like things when you don't _feel_ that you like them at all.
Feeling is a _result_ of suggestion. Nothing easier to prove than that.
A hypnotist can, by suggestion, make you feel almost anything, whether
it is true or not. He will say, "You feel sad," and straightway you will
feel so. Then he will say, "You feel happy," and you do. Your feelings
are like a harp, and your _statements_, or auto-suggestions, are the
fingers which pick the strings. Take good care to play the tunes you
_want_--to say you _like_ things, or love them. Then you will quickly
respond and _feel_ that you like or love them. Keep _practicing_ until
you love _all_ the time. Then you will _be_ loved to your
heart's content.
CHAPTER IV.
THE PHARISEE UP-TO-DATE.
As long as you continue to hug the delusion that you are "not to blame"
for the unpleasant things in your conditions you might just as well
profess the old thought as the new. The very fundamental principle of
mental science is the statement that _man is a magnet and able to
attract what he will_. To repudiate this statement is to knock the props
out from under the whole philosophy. Better stay an old-thoughter and
let Jesus suffer for your sins and those of your relatives and friends.
At least Jesus _took_ the sins of the world to bear, all of his own free
will. There is some comfort in letting Jesus do what he chose to do.
But you have turned away from Jesus as a scapegoat. You refuse to lay
your burdens on him who offered to bear them; and you refuse to bear
them yourself. Instead you distribute them around among your relations
and friends and then fret your soul because they won't accept your
distributions. Of course you excuse yourself by acknowledging "your
share of responsibility" for the unpleasantness of conditions, but if
you will examine carefully you will find that your portion of the
responsibility includes most of the _good_ things in your conditions,
whilst you have portioned off almost _all_ the responsibility for the
_bad_ things among your protesting--or indifferent--relatives. You
always say, "_I_ try so hard," but you never balance that with, "_He_
tries so hard,"--"_They_ try so hard." You get all the I-try-items in
your own pile and the don't-try-items in other folk's piles. "_If_ it
were not for Tom and Dick and Harry and Fan you would do wonders--_if_
they'd only treat you with _half_ the consideration other people give
you, or half _they_ give other people!--_if!--if!_"
I wonder why they don't indeed! It is just because you are you, _and you
attract your own particular kind of treatment_. To all intents and
purposes Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan are a punch and Judy show and _you
pull the strings_. When other people pull the strings there's a
different sort of show. YOU are the motive power in _all their treatment
of you_. Not a tone or look or act of theirs in your direction but _you_
are responsible for; it was _you_ and no other who drew them to you;
and it is you and no other who hold them there.
Now don't say, "I don't see _how_!" Of course not--_you haven't wanted
to see how_--you've been too intent justifying yourself. And anyway, it
takes an open mind, and some time, and much _faith_ to enable us to see
the _principles_ of things. We have to _act_ as if they were so, a long
time before we see that they are. If you had _acted_ upon the principle
that you are a magnet and that _all_ that comes to you comes by your
attraction, you'd have long ago had your eyes opened to "see how." And
you'd have made progress and _changed your conditions_.
_If you are ever going to be a magnet you are one now._ If you are ever
going to be able to attract to the hair's breadth whatsoever you will
_then you are doing it now_. There will be no miraculous change in the
running gear of this universe to enable you to attract what you want.
_What you now are in essence and working principle you have always been,
and you will always be--the same yesterday, today and forever--a
self-made_ MAGNET, _working to the hair's breadth_.
ONLY BY CHANGING THE QUALITY OF YOUR MAGNETISM CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR
ENVIRONMENT AND ATTRACT DIFFERENT TREATMENT FROM TOM, DICK, HARRY
AND FAN.
Sweetness within brings sweetness without. You have been more or less
bitter and self-justifying within, and Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan have
danced to the strings you pulled.
As long as you think _you_ try and they don't; as long as you think
_your_ judgment superior to theirs; _your_ ideals loftier and worthier;
_your_ ways better; you will get from them responses of carelessness,
bitterness, lack of consideration, selfishness.
_You_ are inconsiderate of _their_ ideas, ideals, judgments and ways;
_in self-preservation_ they are inconsiderate of yours. If you had your
way they'd be pretty little putty images of _your_ ideals, judgments,
wishes, ways and feelings. The Law of Individuality prevents your
imposing yourself on them. You think you are finding fault with _their_
"lack of consideration"; _you are really condemning the law of being_.
If you are ever to be a magnet you are one NOW. _All_ that comes _is_
"your fault." If anything different comes it will come through _your_
change of mental attitude and action.
It will not do to throw it on "Karma" either, and say you are receiving
now the unpleasant things deserved in a previous state of existence. The
mills of the gods grind slowly but they are not so dead slow as all
that. What you thought and did in a previous state has determined your
parentage and childhood environment in this. But the pangs you suffer
today have their roots in yesterday or day before, or the year before
that. Cause and effect trip close upon each other's heels--so close that
the careless or ignorant observer misses the trip. He exaggerates the
_effect_ if it be an unhappy one, and goes nosing for a bigger cause
than the real one. How could _his_ little slip of this morning, or
yesterday, be the cause of this _terrible_ evil which has befallen
him?--and he slides completely over the real cause. _And keeps on
repeating it_.
Self-righteousness, by blinding your eyes to the truth, is the direct
cause of the most gigantic and the most subtle miseries of the world.
These awfully good people who fully realize how hard they have always
tried to do right, are the unhappiest people in the world--unless I
except Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan, the victims of these self-righteous
reformers. No, I can't even except these; for they at least generally
succeed in having their own way in spite of the would-be reformer. But
what so utterly disheartening as continued _lack of success_? And the
self-righteous one never succeeds. It is hard, _hard_, to be so wise and
willing, with such _high_ ideals (the self-righteous one in» strong on
ideals), and _never_ to succeed in making Tom, Dick and Harry conform to
them. Do you see why Jesus said so often, "Woe comes to the Pharisee"
--the self-righteous? And why he called them hypocrites? Of course they
are unconscious of their hypocrisy--self-righteousness blinds them to
the truth; they think _others_ are to blame for most of the
self-righteous one's own hard conditions.
The self-righteous one is doomed to a tread-mill of petty failures. He
goes round and round his own little personal point of view and
learns nothing.
It is by getting at the _other fellow's_ point of view that we learn
things--about him and ourselves, too. When the self-righteous one wakes
up to the _fact_ that the world is _full_ of people whose points of view
are _just exactly_ as right and wise and ideal as his own; and begins to
_feel with_, and PULL WITH these other people, instead of against them;
when he does this he will find himself out of the treadmill to _stay_.
As he shows a disposition to consider _other_ people's ideals and help
others in the line _they_ want to go, he will find the whole world eager
to help _him_ in the way _he_ wants to go. The self-righteous one works
alone and meets defeat. The one who, recognizing his own righteousness
_in intent_, yet forgets not that _others are even as he,_ is the true
friend and _be_-friended, of all the world.
Now don't let this homily slip off _your_ shoulders. We are _all_
self-righteous in spots, and none of us is so _very_ wise that he cannot
by self-examination and readjustment learn a lot more.
Each soul _in its place_ is wisest and best. Don't _you_ try to get into
the pilot house and steer things for Tom, Dick, or Harry. Stay in your
own and steer clear of the rocks of anger, malice, revenge, _resentment,
re-sistance,_ INTERFERENCE and _immoderation_.
CHAPTER V.
SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR.
"Help me to make things go forward instead of backward. I want to be
neat and attractive, with a good head of hair, a good complexion and
good health. I want to help my husband so he will fall in love with me
to make home beautiful, attractive and comfortable. I want bright eyes
and freedom from that careworn look. Oh, I want to draw my husband
nearer to me." (From a Taurus woman, aged twenty-seven.)
Isn't that pitiful? And heaven knows--or ought to--how many poor women,
_and men, too_, live with that same dumb longing to get nearer and be
chums with somebody. That cry touches my heart, for I lived years in the
same state.
And, oh, how I struggled to draw others nearer to me. How I agonized
and cried and prayed over it. How I worked to make home attractive. How
I cooked and washed and scrubbed, sewed and patched and darned to
please! How I quickly brushed my hair and hustled into a clean dress so
as to be neat and ready when my husband came in! And how I ached and
despaired inwardly because he frowned and found fault! How I studied
books of advice to young wives! How their advice failed! How I _tried_
and TRIED to get him to confide in me and make a chum of me! And how the
more I tried the more he had business downtown! Oh, the growing despair
of it all! And the growing illnesses, too! Oh, the gulf that widened and
widened between us! Oh, the _loneliness_! Oh, the _uselessness_ of life!
I _had_ to give it up. I wasn't enough of a hanger-on to sink into a
state of perpetual whining protest, or to commit suicide. When I was
finally _convinced_ that I _couldn't_ draw him nearer I gave it up and
began to take notice again, _of other things_. I _let_ him live his life
and I took up the _"burden"_ of my own "lonely" existence.
And the first thing I knew my "burden" had grown _interesting_, and I
was _no longer lonesome_. I began to live my life to _please myself_,
instead of living it for the purpose of _making over_ the life
of another.
The _next_ thing I knew my husband didn't have so much business
downtown, and he had more things he wanted to tell me. I found we were
nearer than I ever dreamed we'd be.
You see, I had become _more comfortable to live with._ I had quit
_trying_ to draw him nearer, and behold, _he was already near_.
In the old days I lived strenuously. I hustled so to get the house and
the children and myself _just so_, that I got _my aura_ into a regular
snarl. My husband being a healthy animal, felt the snarl before he saw
the immaculateness; and like any healthy animal he snarled back--and had
business downtown. He responded to my _real_ mental and emotional state,
responded against his will many times; and I did not know it. I supposed
him perverse and impossible of pleasing. I _knew I_ had tried my best
(according to my lights, which it had not occurred to me to doubt), but
it never entered my cranium that _he_ had tried, too. I looked upon the
outward appearance--my immaculate appearance, met by fault-finding or
indifference I Poor me! Perverse he!
Poor Martha, troubled about many things, when only one thing is
needful--a quiet mind and faithful soul. History does not state if
Martha had a husband. If she did, he was perpetually downtown. And Jesus
preferred Mary, the Comfortable One, to Martha. Poor lonesome Martha!
And she tried _so hard_ to please.
I used to know a woman who never did a thing but look sweet. She was
pretty and sympathetic and _cheery_. Her husband and six children
idolized her, and fairly fell over themselves to please her and keep the
home beautiful for her. There was physical energy galore lavished
_gladly_ by the family, in doing what is commonly considered the
mother's work.
And there was apparently nothing whatever the matter with that woman,
who was always sweet and pretty as a new blown rose, and looked not a
day over twenty. She was simply born tired and wouldn't work. Of course
the neighbors said things about her; but nobody _could_ say things _to_
such a sweet tempered, cordial and pretty woman. And there'd have been
razors flying through the air if anybody had dared hint to that husband
or one of those children that mother was anything less than perfection.
The family explanation was that "mother is not strong."
But that mother did more for that family than all the others put
together. _She made the atmosphere_, and she was the life-giving sun
around which husband and children revolved, and from which they received
the real Light of Life--the power which develops the good in us.
The mother's main business in life was that of _appreciating_. She was
the confidante, the counsellor, the optimistic teacher, and the
appreciative audience for six children and a husband, besides a lot of
neighbors who carried their troubles to her. She performed more mental
work than it takes to manage a billion dollar trust. She kept six
children, not only out of mischief, but _happily busy_ at all sorts of
household and outdoor work which it was well for them to know. They
learned to keep house and farm by keeping them, whilst she sat by and
enthused and directed their efforts. She made them _love_ it all. She
helped them over the hard places in their school work and enthused them
to do better work. They carried off the school prizes under her
admiring eyes, and ran straight to lay them in her lap and receive that
proud and happy smile of hers.
Her husband worked like a slave _with the heart of a king_. She thought
him the best, bravest, brightest of men, and told him so a dozen times a
day, besides _looking_ it every time he came in range of her big, loving
brown eyes and smooth, rosy cheeks.
I never heard of an unkind word in that family, and those six children
grew up into splendid young manhood and womanhood. Their mother is still
the blessed sun of their existence. She is prettier, healthier and
happier now, and so proud of her fine children.
And she is _up-to-date._ She has studied and read with her whole family
and is interested with them in the world's present events, art,
literature and religion.
Do you think that woman ever complains of loneliness, or "tries so hard"
to draw husband or children "nearer"? No. She long ago chose the "one
thing needful"--_a faith-full heart_. Her physical strength would not
bear much strain without depressing her faith-full-ness; therefore she
left the physical labor out, _as less important_. To her the _Life_ was
more than meat or raiment, so she ministered to the Life--to the joy of
living. A stronger woman, physically, could have ministered more
efficiently to the physical side without neglecting the "one thing
needful." This woman chose the better part and stuck to it; and
_results_ prove her righteousness.
The foolish woman looketh upon the outward appearance and is troubled
over _many_ things. She wears herself out trying to keep the _outside_
immaculate and grieves her heart out because she misses the one thing of
great price, the _joy of loving and being loved, of trusting and
being trusted_.
Do you know that we are _never_ far away from _anybody_? We are close,
_so close_ to our husbands; our children; our friends; _even to our
enemies if we have them;_ and to those we never saw or heard of. _We are
all One. Your_ soul is MY SOUL TOO. Only our bodies are at all
separated, and they are separated _only as the harbor is separated from
the sea_. Our bodies are but inlets of One Great Soul; and they are but
the smallest part of ourselves. Is it then not foolish to _try_ to draw
another nearer? Why, we are _now_ so near we _can't_ be nearer; we are
_One_. Why strive to do what is _already_ done?
Ah, you see, we work from a false hypothesis. We are so concerned with
the many things on the _outside_ that we lose sight of _inside truths_.
_Take your husband's nearness for granted_. Be not troubled over the
many things of appearance. _Have faith in him_. If there is any "drawing
nearer" to be done see that _you_ draw near to him _in faith and love_.
Instead of mentally or verbally sitting down on his motives, words or
acts, _try to feel as he does, that you may understand him_.
AS WE GEOW IN UNDERSTANDING OF ANOTHER WE GROW IN LOVE AND REALIZATION
OF OUR NEARNESS TO THAT ONE. _In proportion as we dislike or are
repelled by any person_ OR HIS ACTIONS, _in that proportion we fail to
understand him_.
As one human being is revealed to another the sense of nearness grows.
Now do you imagine that distrust and censure will help a soul reveal
itself? Of course not. But if you can be comfortable and indulgent to a
man, and especially if you can cultivate a real admiring confidence in
him, he will unfold his very heart of hearts to you. It is _you_ who
must come near in faith and love, if you would find your husband near
to you.
To sum up:
1. You and your husband ARE close together--so close you are _One_.
_2_. If you would _feel_ the truth of this you must come to your husband
in faith-full love, and you _must not allow yourself_ to condemn or
judge, verbally or mentally, his revelations of himself. You must
vibrate _with_ him where you can, and _keep still in faith_ where you
can't understand him and meet him.
3. You must persist in thus doing, until faith and love and
understanding become the habit of your life.
4. The same rules apply if you would feel your nearness to any other
person, _or to all persons_.
Every man is in embryo a good and thoughtful and loving husband. A wise
wife will give him the loving, full-of-faith, appreciative atmosphere
which encourages development.
"We are all just as good as we know how to be, and as bad as we dare
be." _And we are all growing better_. Why not chant the beauties of the
good instead of imagining it our "duty" to eternally bark against
the bad?
It is said there cannot be a model husband without a model wife, and
_vice versa_. True. Then if yours is not a model husband _don't assume
that you are a model wife fitted to judge and admonish him_.
Be still and get acquainted with him.
* * * * *
Make it your _first_ object in life to cultivate a serene and faith-full
heart and aura.
As a means toward this end cultivate a _full_ appreciation of whatever
and whoever comes near you. Cultivate the spirit of praise; and _trust_
where you cannot see.
Second, take _good_ care of your body and personal appearance. Allow
plenty of time for bathing, caring for your hair, nails, teeth, and
clothing. Wear plain clothes if need be, but DON'T wear soiled or ragged
ones. And don't ever put a pin where a hook or button ought to be. No
man can continue to love a woman who is slatternly.
Third, allow at least an hour _every_ day for reading and meditating on
new thought lines, _and for going into the silence. Let nothing rob you
of this hour, for of it will come wisdom, love and power to meet the
work and trials of all other hours. Remember the parable of the ten
virgins and take this hour for filling your lamp, that you be ready for
the Unexpected. Only in such hours can you lay up love, wisdom and power
which will enable you to make the best of the other hours. Let not
outward things rob you of your source of power_.
Fourth, unless you wish to fall behind the world's procession see that
you spend some time every day in reading the best magazines and
newspapers, taking pains to skip most of the criminal news. Read
optimistically and cultivate a quick eye for all the good things. Take
the _best_ magazines even if you have to leave feathers off your hat and
desserts off your table. If you can find an _interesting_ literary club
it might be well to join it and do your part of the work. But see that
you do not _rob_ the Peter of your energies to pay the Paul of club
ambitions.
And fifthly comes your housework. This is the juggernaut department
which grinds many a woman to skin and bones--and her husband discards
the remains! When it comes to housekeeping a woman has need of all the
love, wisdom and power she can muster in her hours of silence. Even a
five room flat or cottage is more than one woman can keep _spotless_ and
allow time for anything else. Many things _must_ be left undone. The
wise woman simplifies to the last degree compatible with comfort.
Useless bric-a-brac is dispensed with. "Not how much but _how good_," is
her rule when buying. A few good things _kept in place_, are better than
a clutter of flimsy things which pander only to an uncultured esthetic
taste--and make work. _Order_ is the wise woman's first law in
housekeeping; cleanliness her second, which is like unto the first in
importance. She lets extra rooms, furniture and fallals go _until she
can pay well to have them cared for_. The same rule obtains in her
kitchen and her personal dress.
The wise woman thinks of comfort and allows time for the _joys_ of life,
wherefore _all_ her life is a pleasure.
The foolish woman is ground under the wheels of routine. To her,
housework is a stern "duty" which comes _first_, and to which body,
mind, personal appearance, happiness, the joy of living, all must be
sacrificed.
Lastly, firstly, and all the time, the wise woman is guided in what to
do and in what to leave undone, by the Spirit of Love; whilst the
foolish woman is guided by the Spirit of Appearances.
Note the order in which I have written these needs of life; an exact
reversal of the usual order. Housework _last_, and the Spirit of Comfort
first. The tendency of every woman is to lose _herself_ in troubling
over the many things of her household. If she would be happy, useful,
young and growing she MUST turn her life the other side up.
The best way to begin, the only successful way so far as I know, is by
MAKING time for the hour of reading and meditation and silence. She must
_take_ the time, by sheer force of will--take it until it grows into a
habit which _takes her_. Out of this hour will come first peace and
self-control; and gradually she will find unfolding out of this peace
and control, the wisdom to know what to do, and how; and what _not_ to
do. From this unfolding comes the ONLY power which can make new thought
practical to the individual case.
Are you satisfied with yourself and your condition? Then pursue your old
ways.
Are you dissatisfied with yourself and surroundings? _In order to change
them_ YOU _must change_--_that which was first with you must become
last_ AND THE LAST MUST BE FIRST.
Be still and know the I AM God of you; and, lo, all _things_ shall be
added. But the _things_ must be last, not first.
Seek ye _first_ the kingdom of Good in yourself, _and to be right with
it_; and all things shall be added. All things shall be added to YOU,
not to _other things_.
Be still until you find yourself--your wise, loving, joy-giving Self
which dwells in the silence and is able to do whatsoever you desire.
CHAPTER VI.
MARRIAGE CONTRACTS.
"That article of yours, 'So Near and Yet So Far,' has worried me to an
extent I am ashamed of. To my 'judgment' that article is disingenuous.
It is not so much that you jumped on that poor soul with hob-nailed
shoes, but that you formulated the 'jump' quite as the husband might
have done. That is, if _she_ would repent and change her course, she
would soon find that _he_ was all right, and--inferentially--all the
trouble was of her making. Not one word on the other side! You even
quote your own experience _against_ her. My dear, _did_ you really find
that your 'trouble' was of your own making, and _did_ you really change
ANYTHING except your own amount of distress during the process of
disintegration? Marriage is the only contract which society does not
promptly admit to be broken when either party refuses to fulfill his
obligations--as agreed to. And in view of the custom of ages, and the
instinct in woman formed by such custom (when instinct makes the
establishing of Individuality the _very_ hardest thing in life for a
generous woman), I think that your implication against the woman, trying
with all the light she's _got_ to keep her side of that very one-sided
contract is simply--cruel! I wish I could get at that girl and tell her
that her _only_ chance for happiness is through the paradox 'Whoso
_will_ not lose his life _cannot_ find it.' Whoso will not 'let go' of
the love which his five per cent judgment claims as his only _righteous_
chance, cannot inherit that which the ninety-five per cent would attract
if the five per cent were 'offered up' to the spirit. This is the first
time I have ever disagreed with your point of view." Jane.