Happiness and Marriage - Elizabeth (Jones) Towne
Is Adam kicking, Eve? Take a hint before he kicks harder. Is Eve making
things warm for you, Adam? Take care you jump not out of the frying pan
into the fire. Are circumstances plaguing you, Everybody? Take the hint
lest worse plagues arrive; learn wisdom and avoid the Red Sea.
Be not wise in thine own conceits. _Lean_ not upon thine own
understanding, but in _all_ thy ways _and thy neighbor's ways_,
acknowledge that the One Good Spirit leads, and He shall direct thy feet
in paths of peace and pleasantness.
The proof of foolishness is unrest and friction.
The proof of wisdom is peace.
_Be still and know the Lord thy God, and learn from what He draws to
thee_.
CHAPTER VIII.
THE HEART OF WOMAN.
"My wife has fallen in love with another man. She keeps house for me and
I am trying to show her all the love I can but it seems to have no
effect upon her. I love her dearly and desire to win her back. What
should be my attitude toward her and toward the man?" A.J. (who is one
of many who have thus written me.)
Goodness knows! _Be_ good and you will know. In other words, be just to
all three before you are generous to anybody. Of course that is not easy
to do, but it is possible; and it is the only thing you can never be
sorry for afterward.
First, get down to first principles. There are three INDIVIDUALS
concerned--three separate and complete beings, each with his inherent
right of choice. Nobody _owns_ anybody else; nobody "owes" anybody else
anything in the way of "duty." Each individual stands on his or her own
two feet and makes an effort at least to go where he or she will find
the most happiness.
Every one of these three Individuals has made mistakes--he or she has
thought happiness was to be found in this place, or that. He or she has
made the choice and trotted on his or her two feet to this place or
that, only to find happiness was not there as he or she supposed. _We
don't always know what is for our happiness_. But goodness knows!--and
_all_ our mistakes work together for ultimate happiness.
In the truest sense there are _no_ mistakes; a mistake being simply a
case where things failed to come out as we calculated. _They came out
right nevertheless_. That is, they came out right for our enlightenment.
By them we grew in wisdom and knowledge. Next time our judgment will
be better.
The wife in this case no doubt thinks just now that her marriage to
A.J., was "all a terrible mistake." If so she is making another
"mistake." That is, she is thinking what "ain't so." Whatever
experiences she has had with A.J. were drawn to her by herself, for her
own enlightenment and development. They were all _good_.
It _may_ be that she and A.J. have gained from their association all
there is in it. Doubtless the wife thinks a separation and a new
marriage would make her supremely happy. May be it would. May be her
judgment is right this time.
On the other hand it may be wrong, as it has been oft before. Many a
woman has jumped out of the frying pan of one marriage into the fire
of another.
_Only time will tell_. If this new love is the "soul mate" she thinks,
the attraction will be all the stronger and steadier in a year or two
from now. If he is not the soul mate she thinks him, the attraction
will wane.
I know women who, under similar conditions, have elected to wait; women
whose consciences would not allow them to leave a kind husband or young
children for the sake of gratifying their passion for another man. _I
have known these same women to despise a year or two later, the men they
had thought themselves passionately and everlastingly in love with_.
They have never got over thanking whatever gods there be that they were
saved from that rash step. I have known _many_ cases of this kind, and
have received many letters of fervent thanks from both men and women who
followed my private counsel to _let time prove the new attraction_
before severing old ties and making new ones.
And I must say that _not one_ who waited but has said to me, "I am
_glad_ I waited"; _whilst many who did not wait have bitterly
regretted_.
A love affair is emotional insanity. Lovers are insane; not in fit
condition to decide their own actions. The state of "falling in love" is
moon-madness. For the time being the lover's sense of justice, his
reason, his judgment, is distorted by _reflections from another
personality_. This is especially so in the woman's case, for the reason
that she is generally a creature of untrained impulse, instead of
reasoning will.
There is that recent case of the beautiful and beloved Princess Louise
who ran away from her royal husband. She thought she loved Monsieur
Giron so devotedly that she could bear anything for the sake of being
with him. And surely she was miserable enough in her old environment.
But when it came to the reality she could not bear the consequences. She
wanted her children; her proud spirit winced at the snubs she got; she
longed a little for the old life; and familiarity with her soul mate
revealed the knowledge that he was not _all_ soul. She flunked miserably
and went home to her sick child. You see, she was literally love-_sick_.
Her mind was disordered; a life spent with her soul mate loomed to her
so large and dazzling that all other things were as nothing. She
couldn't for the time being see straight. She was literally insane.
If she had only _waited_ until the new wore off her passion! Waited
until she saw things in their proper proportions and relations to each
other; until she was _sure_ she could _live the life_ made inevitable by
her change.
That is the trouble;--love-sick-ness _blinds her to the truth_. When she
wakes up by _experience_ of the truth, _she wishes she hadn't._
The only safe thing for a woman to do who finds herself married to one
man and in love with another is to _wait_, a year, or two or three
years, until time proves her love and _she knows in her heart_ that she
can make the change and never regret it, no matter what happens. _You
see, she can NEVER be happy with the new love as long as_ CONSCIENCE OR
HEART _reproaches her for her treatment of the old love._ It behooves
her to consider well.
Time will prove the new love. In many such cases times reveals the
idol's feet of clay. He shows that his love is for _himself_, not for
her. He pouts and kicks and teases like a petulant child. He wants her
NOW, no matter how she may suffer in consequence of his haste.
In spite of herself, in spite of her love for the new love, she finds he
is not panning out as she supposed. She begins to see his other, his
everyday side--_the side she will have to live with_ if she goes to him.
Now is the husband's chance. She _knows his_ every-day side, from
experience; she has tried it in weal and woe. If he rises to this
occasion the Ideal Man, he stands a fair chance of winning from his wife
a _deeper_ love than she has yet given any man. He may catch her _whole_
heart in its rebound from the idol with feet of clay.
To a husband in such a position I would say, _Be kind._ "There is
nothing so kingly as kindness!"--and true kindness under this most
trying condition will in time win even a recalcitrant wife's admiration
and love--IF _the two are really mates_. If they are not real mates; if
they have outgrown their usefulness to each other; the sooner they part
the better. To hold them together would only be another "mistake."
Because a man and wife were mates five or ten years ago is no proof that
they are mates today. We are all _growing_, and it is often literally
true that we "grow away" from people.
_Every loved one who goes out of our lives makes room for a better,
fuller love--unless we shut ourselves in with our "grief."_
It is said that Robert Louis Stevenson fell in love with the wife of his
best friend. He told his friend frankly, intending to leave the city.
His friend questioned the wife and found she reciprocated Stevenson's
love. Stevenson stayed with his friend in Paris and the wife went to
her father's home in California. A year later, the attachment between
his wife and Stevenson still remaining, the friend applied for a
divorce. Then he and Stevenson journeyed all the way to California
together, where Stevenson was married to the ex-wife. The ex-husband
attended the wedding, and that same evening announced his engagement to
a girl friend of Mrs. Stevenson.
I glory in the friendship of those two men who refused to allow the
unreasoning caprices of love to sever their love for each other. A
separation and remarriage like that is a _credit_ to all parties
concerned. _It is the quarrels and estrangements which are the real
disgrace_ in cases of separation and remarriage.
John Ruskin was another man too great and too good to resent love's
going where it is sent. He had married, knowing that her respect and
admiration but not her _love_, were his, a beautiful and brilliant girl
much younger than himself. They lived happily a number of years. Then
Ruskin brought home the painter, Millais, to make a picture of his wife.
Artist and model fell in love. Ruskin found it out, and refused to allow
his wife to sacrifice herself for him. He divorced her and gave her to
Millais, and the three were life-long friends.
If I were a man in such a case as A. J.'s I should treat my wife as I
would a daughter. I would treat her as an Individual with the right
of choice.
Many a daughter has rushed headlong into a marriage which her relatives
opposed and she regretted at leisure.
If someone grabs you by the arm and pulls hard in one direction you are
forced to pull hard in the opposite direction, or lose your balance and
fall. If a daughter is pulled away from the man to whom she is
attracted, her Individuality rebels and she pulls toward him harder than
she would if let alone. She _chooses_ to follow the attraction which at
the time is pleasanter than that between herself and her frowning
relatives.
Remembering this I would _free_ daughter or wife and trust to the God in
her to work out her highest good. I would _believe_ that whatever she
chose to do was really for her highest good. If I _really_ loved _her_ I
would _prefer_ her happiness to my own.
And in it all I should be _deeply_ conscious that whatever is, is best,
and that _all things worked together for_ MY _best good as well as
for hers_.
Whatever appearances may show to the shortsighted, the real TRUTH is
this:--_Justice reigns; the happiness of one person is not bought at the
expense of another; the law of attraction brings us our own and holds to
us our own in spite of all its efforts to get away; it never leaves us
until_, THROUGH SOME CHANGE OR LACK OF CHANGE IN OURSELVES, _it has
ceased to be our own_.
A man's "mental attitude" toward the other man in such cases as A.J.'s
should be the same as toward other men--the attitude of real kindness
toward an Individual who, like the rest of us, is being "as good as he
knows how to be and as bad as he dare be."
This does not mean that the husband shall allow himself to be used for a
door mat, nor held up for the ridicule of the neighbors. A sensible
father expects his daughter to observe the proprieties. The daughter of
a sensible father is more than willing to meet these expectations. In
the same way a sensible husband will expect his wife to see no more of
the lover than "society" permits her to see of any man not related to
her. No sensible American woman will jeopardize her good name under such
circumstances. She will control her feelings until she has proved her
new attraction and been duly released from the old. If a woman will not
conduct herself in a self-respecting manner the sooner she leaves the
better for the husband. As for herself, she will learn by experience--as
Princess Louise did.
Love is the mightiest force in creation. It will not be gainsaid. But it
can be controlled. To pen it up too completely brings explosion,
devastation. To give it too free rein means madness with no less
devastation. To _direct_ it within reasonable limits is the only
safe way.
It takes a cool head and steadfast heart to meet such emergencies as
A.J.'s. And eye hath not seen nor ear heard the "Well done" and its
attendant glory, which enters into the heart and character of the man
who meets such condition and conquers--_himself_. Not once in a thousand
lives has a man such opportunity to prove his godship and bless himself
and the world.
CHAPTER IX.
THE LAW OF INDIVIDUALITY.
All growth is by _learning_.
All learning comes by the gratification of desire. Truly, experience is
not only the best teacher, but the _only_ infallible one.
The gratification of desire, good or bad, leaves always one imperishable
residue of wisdom. The rest of the experience goes with the chaff
for burning.
Desire points invariably according to the individual's intelligence. In
proportion as this is faulty his desires are "bad."
What _is_ a bad desire, anyway? In the main "bad" desires are self-made
or thoughtlessly accepted. Dancing is wicked to a Methodist and "good"
to an Episcopalian.
But aside from these personal standpoints which are legion there is an
immutable Law, to which intelligence is conforming all action and
thought--the Law of Individuality--the Law recognized and expressed by
Confucius and Jesus in negative and positive forms of the "golden rule";
"Do not unto others what ye would not they should do unto you."
Interference with the freedom of the individual is "bad"--that is, _it
invariably brings pain_ to the one who interferes, in thought or deed.
Listen to this:
"You cannot know anything of the sources or causes of the crisis you are
judging, for no one who knows will tell you, and you would not know if
you were told. The depths of elemental immortality, of self-deceit and
revenge, lie in our eagerness to judge one another, and to force one
another under the yoke of our judgments. When there is the faith of the
Son of man in the world, life will be left to make its own judgments.
The only judgment we have a right to make upon one another is the free
and truthful living of our own lives." George D. Herron.
This forcing of others, in mind or action, under the yoke of _our_
judgment is the only possible way we can break a _real_ Law. To be
_ourselves_ and to leave others free is to "_be good_." Dancing will
come and go, and come again; so will fashions of all kinds;
conventionalities and creeds; but this Law remains an eternal chalk line
to be toed. And eternal torments await him who does not toe it.
* * * * *
Take the case of a man who desires to "run away" with another man's
wife. The one immutable Law of Individuality says _no man owns a wife_.
Instead of this being a problem with two men and one man's property as
factors, it is a case of _three individuals_ with god-given rights of
individual choice. You have heard it said that "_where two are agreed_
as touching anything it shall be done unto them." It takes two to make,
or to keep made, a bargain. No matter what hallucinations in regard to
ownership any man may labor under, _he does not_ own a wife. He has no
more "rights" over one woman than over another, or over another man,
except as the _woman herself gives_ him the right and _keeps on_ giving
it to him.
The Law of Individuality is absolute, and in due time husbands will know
better than to imagine they own wives; wives will know better than to be
owned; and the other man will not imagine he can gain great pleasure
from "running away" with anything. Each will be free and leave the
others so.
But "as a man thinketh in his heart so is he." Until a man _recognizes_
the Law of Individuality his actions are governed by the Law he _does_
recognize, and his desires act accordingly. When he desires to "run
away" with anything his _conscience_ tells him he is stealing. If desire
is strong enough he steals a wife, and eventually suffers for it. For,
though he may not have broken a real law, he _has_ broken an imagined
one and in his _own mind_ he deserves punishment and in his own mind he
gets it. "As a man thinketh so _is_ he," and what he is _determines what
he attracts_.
Never was a deeper, truer saying than Paul's "BLESSED is the man that
_doubteth not_ in that thing which he alloweth." The man who _waits_,
until he is "_fully persuaded_ in his own mind" will be blessed in
following desire, and he will grow in wisdom thereby.
The man who _thinks_ his desire is "bad" and yet follows it, will grow
in wisdom _by the scourging he gets_. He has transgressed _his
conception_ of the One Law and suffers in getting back to _at-one-ment_.
In either case he _grows in wisdom_ and eventually he will desire only
in accordance with the One Law of Individual Choice.
There is no question of "ought" about it. The individual is free to
follow desire or to crucify it. And the fact is, _he follows desire when
he crucifies it_. He _desires_ to crucify desire, because he _is afraid_
to gratify it.
The man who is not afraid follows desire and grows fast _in wisdom and
in knowledge_. He may make mistakes and suffer all sorts of agonies as a
result. But he learns from his misses as well as from his hits, and he
progresses.
The man who is afraid to follow desire crucifies _his life_ and stunts
his growth.
It were better for the individual to follow his desire and afterward
repent, than to crush his desires and repent for a lifetime under the
false impression that the universe unjustly gives to another that which
should have belonged to him.
There is just one kind of growth--_growth in wisdom._ We hear of
children "who grow up in ignorance." We likewise hear that the earth is
square and the moon a green cheese. Children can no more grow in
ignorance than they can grow in a dark and air-tight case. _All_ growth,
mental, moral, spiritual or "physical," is by increase in in-telligence;
i.e., by _recognition_ of more truth. All things exist in a limitless
sea of pure wisdom waiting, waiting _to be understood_. As fast as this
universal wisdom is used it becomes _in-told--_intelligence--
_recognized_ wisdom. We _breathe in wisdom_ and grow in intelligence.
_All_ growth, mineral, plant, animal, man or god, conscious or
unconscious--ALL growth is by this process. It is DESIRE that makes us
breathe. Everything cries out for more, _more!--it_ cannot define always
_what_ it wants, but it _wants,_ with insatiable craving. It is _more
wisdom_ the whole creation groaneth and travaileth to get. "Give me more
understanding or I die!"--the visible eternally cries out to the
Invisible. Desire is the ceaseless life-urge of all things, from amoeba
to archangel. Desire is "Immanuer'--_God with us_--God _in_ us to will
and to do."
CHAPTER X.
HARMONY AT HOME.
"I have recently married for the second time. My husband is a splendid
man but his grown up children are not in harmony with me. Good people,
but a different point of view. I make no pretensions to perfection, of
course, but I do try to do the best lean."
This is the gist of several letters I have received from as many
different women. I will answer them together.
When you enter a new home the matter of importance is _not_ whether your
new relatives harmonize with you, but whether _you_ harmonize with
_them_. It is for _you_ to do _all_ the adjusting.
This may seem hard, but it is not. It is an easier matter for one person
to readjust her living than for a whole family to change. The family has
not only its individual customs to hold each one, but its family customs
as well; whilst you have left your family and have only your individual
self to readjust. If you refuse to adjust yourself, for no matter what
reason, you will act upon this family you have entered, as a red hot
iron would act upon a pan of water--there'll be boil and bubble, toil
and trouble and the family will fly to pieces. All because you came in
with _positive_ notions of your own which you insist upon enforcing.
But if you come into the family like a lump of sugar into a glass of
water you will all, _in time_ melt together and the whole family will be
the sweeter and better for your coming. Whatever there is in you which
is better and sweeter than their own ideas and customs will in time be
_absorbed_ by the family; for what is good is ever positive to the less
good, and has a power of its own to convert; and every human soul, if
left free, will eventually _choose_ the good.
The only danger lies in your tilting your nose at _their_ ways and
ideas, and insisting upon your own. That rouses the sense of
_individuality_ in them and they then fight for _their_ ways and
ideas--then there's boil and bubble and sputter and flying apart.
Learn to vibrate _with_ people where you can and keep still when you
can't. _Look_ for the little things you can enjoy together, and make
light of the others. Recognize their _right_ to differ from you, and
REMEMBER that "_all_ judgment is of God"--_their_ judgment as well
as _yours_.
All this differing of judgment among the people of earth is simply _God
reasoning out things_. All the brains God has are your brains and mine.
Just as in your brain you reason things for and against, wondering which
is right and waiting for time and experience to decide; so God reasons
one way through _your_ brain and another and opposite way through _my_
brain, and then rests and observes until the "logic of events" shall
show _him_, and us, the point of real harmony. Just be still and _let_
God think through your brain, and don't kick up a muss because he thinks
out the other side of things through my brain, or your new
relatives' brains.
Toleration is a great thing; but loving _willingness_ to _let_ God think
out _all_ sides of a question through all sorts of brains, is a glorious
thing. Let's stand for our point of view when it is called for, but
don't let's insist upon it. Let's remember always to use God's "still,
small voice."
Do I need to tell you that what I have just said applies to you whether
you have just married a second time or not? The whole world is our
family, you know. Let's respect it and be kind to it, and _trust_ it to
recognize and appropriate our point of view just as far as is good for
it. Let's be more interested in getting at the _other_ points of view
than insisting upon our own. That is the way we shall grow in wisdom and
knowledge. And, too, that is the way we shall all get close enough
together to really see the truth about things.
CHAPTER XI.
A MYSTERY.
"I desire to come face to face with the person or persons who are
controlling and influencing my husband against his home and children and
myself. He has been estranged from us all for several years, although
sleeping under the same roof. Once I can find out the person or cause of
his actions I can remove the effect, for I shall know just what to do. I
want to solve the mystery."
The chances are you will never find that out, and if you did it would
do you absolutely no good. Your husband is no dumb fool to be
"influenced" this way or that by two women! He is a man with ideas of
his own. If he was disappointed in you as wife, he has possibly turned
to some other woman. If so the more you pry and suspect and hint around,
the more positively he will turn away from you. If you "found out" and
made things warm for him or another he would simply hate and despise you
and be the harder set against you. This is the Law.
The thing for you to do is to recognize your husband's RIGHT to make and
answer for his own mistakes. Then drop the whole thing from your mind
and calculations.
Then treat your husband as you would any man who came to visit you. Make
yourself as attractive and cultured and agreeable as possible, and look
out for his comfort, but never get in his way nor question his doings.
Stand square up on your own feet and be as fine a woman as you know how
to be--as gracious a one. If he does love some other woman it may be but
a temporary infatuation and if you are attractive and kind and sensible
and independent enough he may return to his first love in his own
good time.
If not, why, no matter. Just you get interested in life on your own
account and let him do as he will. If he does care for another woman he
deserves credit for not deserting you, as many a man would have done.
Just respect and honor him for the good that is in him, instead of
condemning him mentally because the good does not show just according to
your ideas of how it should.
Love does not stay put, no matter how hard folks try to keep it put.
All we can do is to be as lovable as possible and thus do our part to
_attract_ love.
It may be that you are simply a sentimental goose who imagines her
husband is "influenced" away from her, because, forsooth, he does not
pay her the attentions he used to.
I was once that kind of a goose myself, and it widened a breach that did
not then exist except in my mind; widened it until at last it became a
real breach--my husband went elsewhere for his companionship. I was too
morbid and finicky and exacting for a healthy man.