Samantha Among the Brethren, Part 3. - Josiah Allen\'s Wife (Marietta Holley)
SAMANTHA
AMONG THE BRETHREN.
By
"Josiah Allen's Wife"
(Marietta Holley)
Part 3
CHAPTER VII.
But along about the middle of the fifth week I see a change. Lodema
had been uncommon exasperatin', and I expected she would set Josiah to
goin', and I groaned in spirit, to think what a job wuz ahead of me, to
part their two tongues--when all of a sudden I see a curius change come
over my pardner's face.
I remember jest the date that the change in his mean wuz visible, and
made known to me--for it wuz the very mornin' that we got the invitation
to old Mr. and Miss Pressley's silver weddin'. And that wuz the
fifteenth day of the month along about the middle of the forenoon.
And it wuz not half an hour after Elnathen Pressley came to the door and
give us the invitations, that I see the change in his mean.
And when I asked him about it afterwards, what that strange and curius
look meant, he never hung back a mite from tellin' me, but sez right out
plain:
"Mebby, Samantha, I hain't done exactly as I ort to by cousin Lodema,
and I have made up my mind to make her a happy surprise before she goes
away."
"Wall," sez I, "so do."
I thought he wuz goin' to get her a new dress. She had been a-hintin'
to him dretful strong to that effect. She wanted a parmetty, or a
balzereen, or a circassien, which wuz in voge in her young days. But I
wuz in hopes he would get her a cashmere, and told him so, plain.
But I couldn't get him to tell what the surprise wuz. He only sez, sez
he:
"I am goin' to make her a happy surprise."
And the thought that he wuz a-goin' to branch out and make a change, wuz
considerable of a comfort to me. And I needed comfort--yes, indeed I
did--I needed it bad. For not one single thing did I do for her that I
done right, though I tried my best to do well by her.
But she found fault with my vittles from mornin' till night, though I am
called a excellent cook all over Jonesville, and all round the adjoining
country, out as far as Loontown, and Zoar. It has come straight back to
me by them that wouldn't lie. But it hain't made me vain.
But I never cooked a thing that suited Lodema, not a single thing. Most
of my vittles wuz too fresh, and then if I braced up and salted 'em
extra so as to be sure to please her, why then they wuz briny, and hurt
her mouth.
Why, if you'll believe it, I give her a shawl, made her a present of it;
it had even checks black and white, jest as many threads in the black
stripes as there wuz in the white, for I counted 'em.
And she told me, after she had looked it all over and said it wuz kinder
thin and slazy, and checkered shawls had gone out of fashion, and the
black looked some as if it would fade with washin', and the white wuzn't
over clear, and the colors wuzn't no ways becomin' to her complexion,
and etcetery, etcetery.
"But," sez she, after she had got all through with the rest of her
complaints--"if the white stripes wuz where the black wuz, and the black
where the white wuz, she should like it quite well." And there it wuz,
even check, two and two. Wall, that wuz a sample of her doin's. If
anybody had a Roman nose she wanted a Greecy one.
[Illustration: "IF THE WHITE STRIPES WUZ WHERE THE BLACK WUZ."]
And if the nose wuz Greece, why then she wanted Rome.
Why, Josiah sez to me along about the third week, he said (to ourselves,
in private), "that if Lodema went to Heaven she would be dissatisfied
with it, and think it wuz livelier, and more goin' on down to the other
place." And he said she would get the angels all stirred up a findin'
fault with their feathers.
I told him "I would not hear such talk."
"Wall," sez he, "don't you believe it?"
And I kinder turned him off, and wouldn't tell, and told him it wuz
wicked to talk so.
"Wall," sez Josiah, "you dassent say she wouldn't."
And I dassent, though I wouldn't own it up to him, I dassent.
And if she kinder got out of other occupations for a minute durin' them
first weeks she would be a quarrelin' with Josiah Allen about age.
I s'pose she and Josiah wuzn't far from the same age, for they wuz
children together. But she wanted to make out she wuz young.
And she would tell Josiah that "he seemed jest like a father to her, and
always had." And sometimes when she felt the most curius, she would call
him "Father," and "Pa," and "Papa." And it would mad Josiah Allen so
that I would have all I could do to quell him down.
Now I didn't feel so, I didn't mind it so much. Why, there would be
days, when she felt the curiusest, that she would call me "Mother," and
"Ma," and foller me round with foot-stools and things, when I went to
set down, and would kinder worry over my fallin' off the back step, and
would offer to help me up the suller stairs, and so forth, and watchin'
over what I et, and tellin' me folks of my age ort to be careful, and
not over-eat.
And Josiah asked me to ask her "How she felt about that time?" For she
wuz from three to four years older than I wuz.
But I wouldn't contend with her, and the footstools come kinder handy, I
had jest as lieve have 'em under my feet as not, and ruther. And as for
rich vittles not agreein' with me, and my not over-eatin', I broke that
tip by fallin' right in with her, and not cookin' such good things--that
quelled her down, and gaulded Josiah too.
But, as I said, it riled Josiah the worst of anything to have Lodema
call him father, for he wants to make out that he is kinder young
himself.
And sez he to her one day, about the third week, when she was a-goin'
on about how good and fatherly he looked, and how much he seemed like
a parent to her, and always had, sez he: "I wonder if I seemed like a
father to you when we wuz a-kickin' at each other in the same cradle?"
Sez he: "We both used to nuss out of the same bottle, any way, for
I have heard my mother say so lots of times. There wuzn't ten days'
difference in our ages. You wuz ten days the oldest as I have always
made out."
She screamed right out, "Why, Josiah Allen, where is your conscience to
talk in that way--and your heart?"
"In here, where everybody's is," sez Josiah, strikin' himself with his
right hand--he meant to strike against his left breast, but struck too
low, kinder on his stomach.
And sez I, "That is what I have always thought, Josiah Allen. I have
always had better luck reachin' your conscience through your stomach
than in any other way. And now," sez I coldly, "do you go out and bring
in a pail of water."
I used to get beat out and sick of their scufflin's and disagreein's,
and broke 'em up whenever I could.
But oh! oh! how she did quarrel with Josiah Allen and that buzz saw
scheme of his'n. How light she made of that enterprise, how she demeaned
the buzz, and run the saws--till I felt that bad as I hated the
enterprise myself, I felt that a variety of loud buzz saws would be a
welcome relief from her tongue--from their two tongues; for as fur down
as she would run them buzz saws, jest so fur would Josiah Allen praise
'em up.
[Illustration: LODEMA AND JOSIAH IN YOUTH.]
She never agreed with Josiah Allen but in jest one thing while she was
under his ruff. I happened to mention one day how extremely anxious I
wuz to have females set on the Conference; and then, wantin' to dispute
me, and also bein' set on that side, she run down the project, and
called it all to nort--and when too late she see that she had got over
on Josiah Allen's side of the fence.
But it had one good effect. When that man see she wuz there, he waded
off, way out of sight of the project, and wouldn't mention it--it madded
him so to be on the same side of the fence she wuz--so that it seemed
to happen all for the best.
Why, I took her as a dispensation from the first, and drawed all sorts
of morels from her, and sights of 'em--sights.
But oh, it wuz tuff on me, fearful tuff.
And when she calculated and laid out to make out her visit and go, wuz
more than we could tell.
CHAPTER VIII.
For two weeks had passed away like a nite mair of the nite--and three
weeks, and four weeks--and she didn't seem to be no nigher goin' than
she did when she came.
And I would not make a move towards gettin' rid of her, not if I had
dropped down in my tracts, because she wuz one of the relatives on his
side.
But I wuz completely fagged out; it did seem, as I told Tirzah Ann one
day in confidence, "that I never knew the meanin' of the word 'fag'
before."
And Tirzah Ann told me (she couldn't bear her) that if she wuz in my
place, she would start her off. Sez she:
"She has plenty of brothers and sisters, and a home of her own, and why
should she come here to torment you and father;" and sez she, "I'll talk
to her, mother, I'd jest as leve as not." Sez I, "Tirzah Ann, if you
say a word to her, I'll--I'll never put confidence in you agin;" sez I,
"Life is full of tribulations, and we must expect to bear our crosses;"
sez I, "The old martyrs went through more than Lodema."
Sez Tirzah Ann, "I believe Lodema would have wore out John Rogers."
And I don't know but she would, but I didn't encourage her by ownin' it
up that she would; but I declare for't, I believe she would have been
more tegus than the nine children, and the one at the breast, any way.
Wall, as I said, it wuz durin' the fifth week that Josiah Allen turned
right round, and used her first rate.
And when she would talk before folks about how much filial affection she
had for him, and about his always havin' been jest like a parent to her,
and everything of the kind--he never talked back a mite, but looked
clever, and told me in confidence, "That he had turned over a new leaf,
and he wuz goin' to surprise her--give her a happy surprise."
And he seemed, instead of lovin' to rile her up, as he had, to jest put
his hull mind on the idee of the joyful surprise.
Wall, I am always afraid (with reason) of Josiah Allen's enterprizes.
But do all I could, he wouldn't tell me one word about what he wuz goin'
to do, only he kep it up, kep a-sayin' that,
"It wuz somethin' I couldn't help approvin' of, and it wuz somethin'
that would happify me, and be a solid comfort to her, and a great gain
and honor."
So (though I trembled some for the result) I had to let it go on, for
she wuz one of the relations on his own side, and I knew it wouldn't do
for me to interfere too much, and meddle.
Why, he did come right out one day and give hints to me to that effect.
Sez I, "Why do you go on and be so secret about it? Why don't you tell
your companion all about it, what you are a-goin' to do, and advise with
her?"
And he sez, "I guess I know what I am about. She is one of the relations
on my side, and I guess I have got a few rights left, and a little
spunk."
"Yes," sez I, sadly, "you have got the spunk."
"Wall," sez he, "I guess I can spunk up, and do somethin' for one of my
own relations, without any interference or any advice from any of the
Smith family, or anybody else."
Sez I, "I don't want to stop your doin' all you can for Lodema, but why
not tell what you are a-goin' to do?"
"It will be time enough when the time comes," sez he. "You will find it
out in the course of next week."
Wall, it run along to the middle of the next week. And one day I had
jest sot down to tie off a comforter.
It wuz unbleached cheese cloth that I had bought and colored with tea
leaves. It wuz a sort of a light mice color, a pretty soft gray, and I
wuz goin' to tie it in with little balls of red zephyr woosted, and work
it in buttonhole stitch round the edge with the same.
It wuz fur our bed, Josiah's and mine, and it wuz goin' to be soft and
warm and very pretty, though I say it, that shouldn't.
[Illustration: "I HAD JEST SOT DOWN TO TIE OFF A COMFORTER."]
It wuzn't quite so pretty as them that hain't colored. I had 'em for my
spare beds, cream color tied with pale blue and pink, that wuz perfectly
beautiful and very dressy; but I thought for everyday use a colored one
would be better.
Wall, I had brought it out and wuz jest a-goin' to put it onto the
frames (some new-fashioned ones I had borrowed from Tirzah Ann for the
occasion).
And Cousin Lodema had jest observed, "that the new-fashioned frames with
legs wuzn't good for nothin', and she didn't like the color of gray,
it looked too melancholy, and would be apt to depress our feelin's too
much, and would be tryin' to our complexions."
And I told her "that I didn't spoze there would be a very great
congregation in our bedroom, as a general thing in the dead of night, to
see whether it wuz becomin' to Josiah and me or not. And, it bein' as
dark as Egypt, our complexions wouldn't make a very bad show any way."
"Wall," she said, "to tie it with red wuzn't at all appropriate, it wuz
too dressy a color for folks of our age, Josiah's and mine." "Why," sez
she, "even _I_, at _my_ age, would skurcely care to sleep under one so
gay. And she wouldn't have a cheese cloth comforter any way." She sort
o' stopped to ketch breath, and Josiah sez:
"Oh, wall, Lodema, a cheese cloth comforter is better than none, and I
should think you would be jest the one to like any sort of a frame on
legs."
But I wunk at him, a real severe and warnin' wink, and he stopped short
off, for all the world as if he had forgot bein' on his good behavior;
he stopped short off, and went right to behavin', and sez he to me:
"Don't put on your comforter to-day, Samantha, for Tirzah Ann and
Whitfield and the babe are a-comin' over here bimeby, and Maggie is
a-comin', and Thomas Jefferson."
"Wall," sez I, "that is a good reason why I should keep on with it; the
girls can help me if I don't get it off before they get here."
And then he sez, "Miss Minkley is a-comin', too, and the Elder."
"Why'ee," sez I, "Josiah Allen, why didn't you tell me before, so I
could have baked up somethin' nice? What a man you are to keep things;
how long have you known it?"
"Oh, a week or so!"
"A week!" sez I; "Josiah Allen, where is your conscience? if you have
got a conscience."
"In the same old place," sez he, kinder hittin' himself in the pit of
his stomach.
"Wall, I should think as much," sez I.
And Lodema sez, sez she: "A man that won't tell things is of all
creeters that walks the earth the most disagreeable. And I should think
the girls, Maggie and Tirzah Ann, would want to stay to home and clean
house such a day as this is. And I should think a Elder would want to
stay to home so's to be on hand in case of anybody happenin' to be
exercised in their minds, and wantin to talk to him on religious
subjects. And if I wuz a Elder's wife, I should stay to home with him;
I should think it wuz my duty and my privilege. And if I wuz a married
woman, I would have enough baked up in the house all the time, so's not
to be afraid of company."
But I didn't answer back. I jest sot away my frames, and went out and
stirred up a cake; I had one kind by me, besides cookies and jell tarts.
But I felt real worked up to think I hadn't heard. Wall, I hadn't more'n
got that cake fairly into the oven when the children come, and Elder
Minkley and his wife. And I thought they looked queer, and I thought the
Elder begun to tell me somethin', and I thought I see Josiah wink at
him. But I wouldn't want to take my oath whether he wunk or not, but I
_thought_ he wunk.
I wuz jest a turnin' this over in my mind, and a carryin' away their
things, when I glanced out of the settin' room winder, and lo, and
behold! there wuz Abi Adsit a comin' up to the front door, and right
behind her wuz her Pa and Ma Adsit, and Deacon Henzy and his wife,
and Miss Henn and Metilda, and Lute Pitkins and his wife, and Miss
Petengill, and Deacon Sypher and Drusilly, and Submit Tewksbury--a hull
string of 'em as long as a procession.
Sez I, and I spoke it right out before I thought--sez I--
"Why'ee!" sez I. "For the land's sake!" sez I, "has there been a
funeral, or anything? And are these the mourners?" sez I. "Are they
stoppin' here to warm?"
For it wuz a cold day--and I repeated the words to myself mechanically
as it wuz, as I see 'em file up the path.
"They be mourners, hain't they?"
"No," sez Josiah, who had come in and wuz a standin' by the side of me,
as I spoke out to myself unbeknown to me--sez he in a proud axent--
"No, they hain't mourners, they are Happyfiers; they are Highlariers;
they have come to our party. We are givin' a party, Samantha. We are
havin' a diamond weddin' here for Lodema."
"A diamond weddin'!" I repeated mechanically.
"Yes, this is my happy surprise for Lodema."
I looked at Lodema Trumble. She looked strange. She had sunk back in her
chair. I thought she wuz a-goin' to faint, and she told somebody the
next day, "that she did almost lose her conscientiousness."
"Why," sez I, "she hain't married."
[Illustration: "WE ARE GIVIN' A PARTY, SAMANTHA."]
"Wall, she ort to be, if she hain't," sez he. "I say it is high time for
her to have some sort of a weddin'. Everybody is a havin' 'em--tin, and
silver and wooden, and basswood, and glass, and etc.--and I thought it
wuz a perfect shame that Lodema shouldn't have none of no kind--and I
thought I'd lay to, and surprise her with one. Every other man seemed
to be a-holdin' off, not willin' seemin'ly that she should have one, and
I jest thought I would happify her with one."
"Wall, why didn't you make her a silver one, or a tin?" sez I.
"Or a paper one!" screamed Lodema, who had riz up out of her almost
faintin' condition. "That would have been much more appropriate," sez
she.
"Wall, I thought a diamond one would be more profitable to her. For I
asked 'em all to bring diamonds, if they brought anything. And then I
thought it would be more suitable to her age."
"Why!" she screamed out. "They have to be married seventy-five years
before they can have one."
"Yes," sez he dreemily, "I thought that would be about the right
figure."
Lodema wuz too mad to find fault or complain or anything. She jest
marched up-stairs and didn't come down agin that night. And the young
folks had a splendid good time, and the old ones, too.
Tirzah Ann and Maggie had brought some refreshments with 'em, and so had
some of the other wimmen, and, with what I had, there wuz enough, and
more than enough, to refresh ourselves with.
Wall, the very next mornin' Lodema marched down like a grenideer, and
ordered Josiah to take her to the train. And she eat breakfast with her
things on, and went away immegiately after, and hain't been back here
sense.
And I wuz truly glad to see her go, but wuz sorry she went in such a
way, and I tell Josiah he wuz to blame,
But he acts as innocent as you pleese. And he goes all over the
arguments agin every time I take him to do about it. He sez "she wuz old
enough to have a weddin' of some kind."
And of course I can't dispute that, when he faces me right down, and
sez:
"Hain't she old enough?"
And I'll say, kinder short--
"Why, I spoze so!"
"Wall," sez he, "wouldn't it have been profitable to her if they had
brought diamonds? Wouldn't it have been both surprisin' and profitable?"
And sez he, "I told 'em expressly to bring diamonds if they had more
than they wanted. I charged old Bobbet and Lute Pitkins specially on the
subject. I didn't want 'em to scrimp themselves; but," sez I, "if you
have got more diamonds than you want, Lute, bring over a few to Lodema."
[Illustration: "IF YOU HAVE GOT MORE DIAMONDS THAN YOU WANT."]
"Yes," sez I, coldly, "he wuz dretful likely to have diamonds more then
he wanted, workin' out by day's work to support his family. You know
there wuzn't a soul you invited that owned a diamond."
"How did I know what they owned? I never have prowled round into their
bureau draws and things, tryin' to find out what they had; they might
have had quarts of 'em, and I not know it."
Sez I, "You did it to make fun of Lodema and get rid of her. And it only
makes it worse to try to smooth it over." Sez I, "I'd be honorable about
it if I wuz in your place, and own up."
"Own up? What have I got to own up? I shall always say if my orders wuz
carried out, it would have been a profitable affair for Lodema, and it
would--profitable and surprisin'."
And that is all I can get him to say about it, from that day to this.
CHAPTER IX.
But truly the labors that descended onto my shoulders immegiately after
Lodema's departure wuz hard enough to fill up my hull mind, and tax
every one of my energies.
Yes, my labors and the labors of the other female Jonesvillians wuz deep
and arjuous in the extreme (of which more and anon bimeby).
I had been the female appinted in a private and becomin' female way, to
go to Loontown to see the meetin' house there that we heard they had
fixed over in a cheap but commojous way. And for reasons (of which more
and anon) we wanted to inquire into the expense, the looks on't, etc.,
etc.
So I persuaded Josiah Allen to take me over to Loontown on this pressin'
business, and he gin his consent to go on the condition that we should
stop for a visit to Cephas Bodley'ses. Josiah sets store by 'em. You
see they are relations of ourn and have been for some time, entirely
unbeknown to us, and they'd come more'n a year ago a huntin' of us up.
They said they "thought relations ought to be hunted up and hanged
together." They said "the idea of huntin' us up had come to 'em after
readin' my books." They told me so, and I said, "Wall!" I didn't add nor
diminish to that one "wall," for I didn't want to act too backward, nor
too forward. I jest kep' kinder neutral, and said, "Wall!"
You see Cephas'ses father's sister-in-law wuz stepmother to my aunt's
second cousin on my father's side. And Cephas said that "he had felt
more and more, as years went by, that it wuz a burnin' shame for
relations to not know and love each other." He said "he felt that he
loved Josiah and me dearly."
I didn't say right out whether it wuz reciprokated or not I kinder said,
"Wall!" agin.
And I told Josiah, in perfect confidence and the wood-house chamber,
"that I had seen nearer relations than Mr. Bodley'ses folks wuz to us,"
[Illustration: "CEPHAS SAID IT WUZ A BURNIN' SHAME FOR RELATIONS TO
NOT KNOW AND LOVE EACH OTHER."]
Howsumever, I done well by 'em. Josiah killed a fat turkey, and I baked
it, and done other things for their comfort, and we had quite a good
time. Cephas wuz ruther flowery and enthusiastick, and his mouth and
voice wuz ruther large, but he meant well, I should judge, and we had
quite a good time.
She wuz very freckled, and a second-day Baptist by perswasion, and wuz
piecin' up a crazy bedquilt. She went a-visitin' a good deal, and got
pieces of the women's dresses where she visited for blocks. So it wuz
quite a savin' bedquilt, and very good-lookin', considerin'.
But to resoom and continue on. Cephas'ses folks made us promise on our
two sacred honors, Josiah's honor and mine, that we would pay back the
visit, for, as Cephas said, "for relatives to live so clost to each
other, and not to visit back and forth, wuz a burnin' shame and a
disgrace." And Josiah promised that we would go right away after
sugerin'.
We wouldn't promise on the New Testament, as Cephas wanted us to (he is
dretful enthusiastick); but we gin good plain promises that we would go,
and laid out to keep our two words.
Wall, we got there onexpected, as they had come onto us. And we found
'em plunged into trouble. Their only child, a girl, who had married a
young lawyer of Loontown, had jest lost her husband with the typus, and
they wuz a-makin' preparations for the funeral when we got there. She
and her husband had come on a visit, and he wuz took down bed-sick there
and died.
I told 'em I felt like death to think I had descended down onto 'em at
such a time.
But Cephas said he wuz jest dispatchin' a messenger for us when we
arrove, for, he said, "in a time of trouble, then wuz the time, if ever,
that a man wanted his near relations clost to him."
And he said "we had took a load offen him by appearin' jest as we
did, for there would have been some delay in gettin' us there, if the
messenger had been dispatched."
He said "that mornin' he had felt so bad that he wanted to die--it
seemed as if there wuzn't nothin' left for him to live for; but now he
felt that he had sunthin' to live for, now his relatives wuz gathered
round him."
Josiah shed tears to hear Cephas go on. I myself didn't weep none, but I
wuz glad if we could be any comfort to 'em, and told 'em so.
And I told Sally Ann, that wuz Cephas'ses wife, that I would do anything
I could to help 'em. And she said everything wuz a-bein' done that
wuz necessary. She didn't know of but one thing that wuz likely to be
overlooked and neglected, and that wuz the crazy bedquilt. She said
"she would love to have that finished to throw over a lounge in the
settin'-room, that wuz frayed out on the edges, and if I felt like it,
it _would_ be a great relief to her to have me take it right offen her
hands and finish it."
So I took out my thimble and needle (I always carry such necessaries
with me, in a huzzy made expressly for that purpose), and I sot down and
went to piecin' up. There wuz seventeen blocks to piece up, each one
crazy as a loon to look at, and it wuz all to set together.