The Sorrows of a Show Girl - Kenneth McGaffey
"I never saw a girl so surprised in my life. For the nonce she was
nonplussed. She didn't know what to make of it. When she did you should
have heard the language she used. It is not for me to tell it in a
respectable crowd, for I only use it to Estelle, that's my maid, when
she pulls my hair, but it was certainly not fit for publication in a
family newspaper.
"She's continually getting into trouble. If it ain't one thing it's
another. It's a wonder to me she hasn't been pinched oftener than she
has.
"I never will forget one time she was out riding with a handsome
gentleman from Pittsburg in a cab and while leaning on his shoulder his
diamond scarfpin got caught in her teeth. She being a bashful young
thing--then. Well, when she takes her head off his shoulder the pin
naturally comes along, too, and then she got afraid that he would think
she was trying to nick it so she stuck the pin in her hat band,
intending to restore it on the way home. But in the next cafe they
stopped in she picked a fight and left him in a huff. Would you believe
it, that guy had the nerve to come around the next day and declare that
she had pinched the bauble and threaten to land her in the booby hatch
if she didn't come across.
"And they call that chivalry!
"No true gentleman would ever threaten to have a lady sent up.
"Did he get his pin? Well, I should say not. She threw such a strong
bluff about suing him for defamation of character that he came across
with two hundred cold to keep her quiet. But don't breathe this to a
soul unless they promise not to tell. I wouldn't have it get out that I
ever said anything about her for worlds, for, though we are the best of
friends, I am leaving her no opening to hand me one.
"Don't think for a minute that I have a past I am afraid to bring before
me. My fair young life has been as quiet and uneventful as an old mill
stream. Fact. You see, still water runs deep and the race is not always
to the swift. And goodness knows I would have no one say that about me.
I'm a Bohemian, whatever that is. Lots of dames I know have pasts. Why,
every time you mention Sid Eusons to Laura she nearly coughs up a spasm
and to even breathe medicine show to a certain leading man I know he
will immediately cut you off his calling list.
"The benefit business is not as prosperous this year as it has been
heretofore. I know several parties that have actually lost money on
them.
"Now that Lent is over I am going to have a good time. I always observe
Lent some way. This year I swore off refusing drinks or suppers. Wilbur
and I expect to be made one as soon as he locates his next season's job.
He's got one in sight that looks pretty good.
"A certain party has signed for it, but Wilbur gets it if this party
drops dead, so now Wilbur is following him around telling him that he
looks poorly. We ought to be very happy when we get married, for Wilbur
will be out ahead of a show all season and I will be here in New York.
What more would a happy bridal couple desire?
"Well, I must toddle along, as the hour is late and my automobile is
getting impatient.
"Be good, and don't forget that you promised on your word and honor to
take six tickets for the Friar Festival from me. Say, party, if you need
any change give me the office and I will slip it to you."
Sabrina makes a few remarks concerning a pink-whiskered bark who
is trying to convert the merry-merry and questions the propriety
of going on an extended yachting cruise with a grass widow for a
chaperone.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
"Say" remarked Sabrina, as we reached her table the other evening. "Did
you hear the gladsome tidings? Some purple-whiskered bark is going to
caper in this country from dear old Lunnon and deal out religion to the
Fluffs of the merry merry. Can you surpass it?
"He is going to slip it to us in our tea. Like knockout drops, I guess.
Gee, can you see him distributing tracts to that mob. It's a cinch that
they will make good curl papers, anyway.
"The only way to convert most of these dames is to wait until the
morning after a birthday party and work the remorse gag before they have
a chance to get a bracer for their hangover.
"Can you see him taking a bunch of them out on a picnic like he did in
England. Claremont or Far Rockaway for theirs, and if he didn't come
across with the big feed with the necessary liquid trimmings it would be
the tar and feathers for his. I have had several wine agents try to
convert me, but I always stick to the same brand. Let him come over and
we will show him a time that will make old Pap Dowie's reception look
like a twinkle.
"At that, us chorus dames ain't so worse. Of course there are a bunch of
shines in the aggregation, but I guess if you kept tab you would find
out that about nine-tenths of them slide for home as soon as they get
the cosmetic off their eyelashes. It's the other tenth that try to be
the human night keys that crab the act for the whole works.
"There's more dolls keeping their little sisters in convents than there
is ones buying white-topped shoes. The poor Jane has to go somewhere to
make her forget the blooming show shop.
"A bunch of these high-browed clucks jump all over the villages, ladies
of the court, etc., and think it's their fault that the price of
lobsters is so high.
"Maybe the price of lobsters is high, but did you ever see a chorus girl
buy one for herself?
"An actress gets handed hers at every stage of the game, just because a
few make the big noise. These old cranks are always laying for a chance
to get a little limelight, and they naturally make the big talk about
people that are in the public eye, and those that they know nothing
about.
"They should either furnish those guys with a muzzle or give them a pike
at the inside of the show business so that they would either keep their
trap shut or know what they are talking about. I will admit that there
are some grand wonders in this business, but that is no reason why the
whole game should be crabbed, and all get the pan for the actions of a
few.
"You all know that I am broad minded. I believe that everybody should
have a good time if they can keep sober. Of course I don't mean
painfully sober, but not to get disgustingly disgusting so that they
have to be dragged to the taxi. That I call going too far, and entirely
unnecessary.
"If a fluff commences to get too moist around the lamps she should
either plead a headache and slide for the curled hair or throw her
drinks on the floor when the host is holding hands or exchanging quips
with one of the other ladies in the party.
"Drink is an awful thing, especially the next morning. Thanks to
Wilbur's teaching, I take a spoonful of olive oil every evening before I
duck the hut, so I can sit in with the best and have the seating
capacity of a bonded warehouse.
"I pray thee do not breathe these little maidenish confidences, for it
might make hard feeling between me and some of my gentlemen friends I
have had to get checked at numerous places of refreshment.
"Wilbur is so busy getting ready for the Friars' Festival that you can't
chase a word out of him about anything else. Mr. Erlanger, Lee Schubert,
Lew Dockstader and Fred Thompson have all kicked in for their boxes, and
it is expected that a few more will realize the merits of the attraction
and kick in this week.
"To see the paper they have had given to them you'd think it was the
storeroom of the Bailey Show.
"I ain't saying nothing, but you just wait until those guys get through
with the long-handled brushes. They are going to give Friar Green the
job of tacking cards because he is quick on his feet. The big festival
comes off next Thursday, so if you haven't bought your seats it's time
to get busy. It will be the one best bet in the show line this season.
"Just think, Mr. Weber and Mr. Fields are going to appear together for
the first time in years.
"Honest, I am so excited over the affair that I can hardly wait. Wilbur
got two seats in the first row, and I'll be there with new frock on, my
hair in a braid and my feet in the orchestra pit. Between the festival
and the new clubhouse it's got Charley Cook running around in circles.
And Wells Hawks is so busy doping out stuff that I saw him pass an
elephant the other day without speaking to it.
"Harry Alward is working three eight-hour shifts every day, and the
whole blooming gang have gone so noodley that they won't even stop to
buy me a drink, and you can take it from me that when those guys
overlook a chance to do something for somebody in distress something has
gone wrong, or there is a big hen on.
"What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Have you heard the latest gossip?
Alla McSweeney is wearing 'Merry Widow' cocktails on the outside of
taxicabs now. That poor dear has to swallow a sinker with everything she
inhales. And she always comes up bright and cheerful with her face to
the pane waiting for the next one. I've seen her go under four times in
an evening, and though a little pale she is always there with the chimes
when the curtain drops.
"Yes, I put on my light ones some two weeks ago. I got jerry that there
would be some class to the humidity, so I made the quick change.
"I cannot decide yet what to do for the summer. I don't know whether to
go down to Bath Beach and take a cottage, go to the mountains or go back
to Emporia for a trip. I got run out of that hick hamlet the last time I
was there, and I am afraid if I go back I might get lynched. You can
never tell what those emotional tillers of the soil are going to do
next. Why, they are just as liable to vote for Bryan as not.
"I have been invited out to Far Rockaway for a week or two. Mr. Corse
Payton is going to make his summer home out there, and if he is within a
radius of ten miles I know we are slated for the one grand time. He is
so full of Iowa gallantry that he wouldn't let even a dog go by without
offering it a highball. He's just that soft hearted. He's got a young
hotel out there and the bars are down for any of his friends.
"Some of us girls are talking about getting a houseboat and leading the
simple. The chances are it will fall through most everything we dope out
does. That's the trouble with us actresses. We get a wild idea and work
it to death for a few minutes and then somebody says, 'I'll buy,' and
the stuff is off. We could have lots of fun on a houseboat if it had a
cool cellar. I certainly do love to go bathing by moonlight. It's so
romantic.
"There's a certain party of some prominence on Wall Street that wants me
to be one of a party on board his yacht, as his wife is going to Europe
for the summer, but I don't know about these yachting parties, for there
has been so much scandal about some of them that I am afraid it will
lacerate my reputation. You know, above all things, I must be careful
with that. Especially now that I am going to become a bride. Yep, Wilbur
and I expect to pull off the wedding bell specialty early in June, or as
soon as the season opens at Saratoga.
"I think a young married couple can have such a nice quiet time in
Saratoga if they go there on their bridal trip and the season is opened.
There is so many society people and others there that life never drags.
"I remember I was there on my first wedding tour, but my husband wasn't
with me. What! Didn't you know I had been married. Certainly I have, and
I am betraying no confidences when I declare myself. Yes, I have been
married, and to Saratoga on my wedding trip my husband couldn't
accompany me because he was with another show. I never had such an
extended bridal trip. All one-night stands. I was with a musical comedy
at the time, and I met my husband in Racine, Wis. I know that's an awful
place to meet anybody, even your husband, but this is a sad and true
tale. He was the leading juvenile with a one-two-three show, and such a
handsome thing you never saw on the stage.
"Honest, to hear him spring that sure-fire hokum you would have thought
he believed it. I know he passed the same line of dope out to me, and I
fell for it. What more could you ask? I was a young and trusting thing
then, having been in the business only one season, so I was not 'wised'
up to the proper point to believe no man until he makes good. He
introduced himself to me after the performance, and as we were laying
off there waiting for the angel to come across with the necessary funds
for us to continue our successful tour, I had nothing else to do but to
listen to his line of chatter.
"He handed it over so strong that I took it all in, and one day when he
sought my hand I nailed him to the mast and we beat it for the justice
of the peace and were made one.
"His show closed shortly after that and I had to learn to send him
money. He got so proud and stuck up that he wouldn't even hunt for a
job, until at last it got so unbearable that I had to get a divorce.
"He was a gay and festive young thing, and though I left town the day we
were married I still look upon him as my first husband.
"No, I never have seen him since, but we did a great deal of
corresponding especially when he needed money.
"If you could get Clarence--yes, that was his name ain't it a
scream?--if you could get Clarence soused he was the boy comic. Honest,
I have seen him bring a smile out of a head waiter.
"He was the real spendthrift. Why, every day he was courting me in
Racine he would take me down and let me look at the lake for hours at a
time, and often he would tell me he was going to take me boat riding.
Shows what a piker I was. If I knew what I do now I would have sprung a
laugh and told him if he wanted my fair young heart he would have to
show me more excitement than a watch meeting.
"My, how I do run on! Here I got to sell a couple more seats for the
festival, for it is coming off a week from this coming Thursday, and I
want to have all the other girls faded. What, must you go? Say, party,
take it from me--break open your bank and count your pennies, for it's
the chance of a lifetime. Da-da."
She discusses the advisability of chorus girls charging time for
their company like a taxicab. She goes for a sail on the river
and the party meets with several accidents before finally having
a wreck.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"Gee, Kid, I can scarce restrain myself," remarked Sabrina, the Show
Girl, as we met her on the street.
"The big show comes off Thursday afternoon, and me! Why, I'll be there
dressed up like a circus. Take it from me, it's a bet you don't want to
overlook. I seen a guy go up to the managers and wave $10,000 in their
faces for the box office receipts, and all he got was the cold, cruel
laugh of scorn.
"The clubhouse had its official opening last night, and as yet none of
those that were in attendance have appeared upon the scene. I ain't
saying a word, but I bet they had an awful time.
"Them Friars are great people. I been the busy little bee all week
trying to get some tickets, but I guess they are all sold out. All of
the out-of-town guys are clamoring for gallery seats behind posts. And
anything less than $50 for one of the seats is considered as car fare.
"Wilbur went to the opening of the new clubhouse last night, and I got a
'phone from him this morning saying he was going home and get some
sleep.
"Say, party, was you up to the Friars' Convention last Sunday? Talk
about fun, this sixty laughs in sixty minutes stunt looked like a
Methodist watch meeting.
"Honest, I felt sorry for Miss Piatt of 'The Merry Widow' bunch. She was
elected to represent that outfit by the whole company Saturday night and
then none of the girls showed up to vote for her. The funny thing of the
whole works was that Miss Sara Spotted-Weazel from the Bill Show nearly
won at that. Gee, did you hearken to the cadenza she turned loose?
Indian comic opera. Fine business. I am glad Josephine Cohan got it,
'cause she's a nice girl, though Louise Dresser is all right at that.
"Beban was the foxy guy; every time anybody didn't show up from any
company he would claim that he was the delegate and put the thing
through. Wasn't Al Davis the busy party! Corbett thought the thing all
out and Davis did the hard work, and then every Friar for miles around
put in their little gab and told Davis how it should be done.
"Did you ever notice that the party inside the taxi knows more about
running it than the chauffeur? Al was wise. He paid no attention to
their words of advice and that's why the thing was a success. Too many
chefs spoil the cheese sandwich. Them's my words and they go as they
lay. Hank Green got sore 'cause I spoke to him, so I won't do it any
more.
"Wilbur and I are to be united in wedlock next week and we are going on
our wedding tour. Where it will be goodness only knows. It may be only
to Canarsie or Far Rockaway.
"Since he met me he has planted a bunch of change, and a gentleman
friend of mine gave him a few tips on the market, and he's got what he
claims is a tidy sum. He's talking about taking a trip to Europe. Such a
chance. What license have we in that neck of woods? I told him to take a
ride over the Williamsburg bridge and that would give him all the Europe
he wanted.
"He wants to go over there and bring back a couple of big vaudeville
acts and make a bunch of money. Rats, I tell him, rats. What does he
know about vaudeville acts? Some of these wops that go across never get
it out of their systems. All you hear is, 'When I was in London.'
"I remember the time I met Ted Marks in Maxim's. Maxim's is in Paris,
you know, my dear. It gives me a sharp, stinging pain. Those burgs ain't
such a much. You can get just as good things to drink right here in New
York, so, I says to him, 'what's the use of making a fool trip like
that?' But he's noodly on the subject and spends half of his spare time
reading 'Short Trips in the Old World,' 'Life in the Latin Quarter,'
'Fifty-seven Ways to Avoid Tipping' and all that kind of junk. A trip to
Asbury Park would satisfy me just as well.
"Alia McSweeney's Judge gave her a new automobile the other day and we
had a match race on the Merrick Road. Honest, the way my car left her
tied to the post was a crime. We both stopped drinking three hours
before the race commenced, so that our nerves would be in good
condition."
"She may be a good chorus girl, but she certainly is a bum racer. I beat
her by two dogs, six chickens and a lamp post. I would have got a milk
wagon, only Wilbur carelessly blew the horn and scared him up a side
street. After the race the loser had to treat the winner to the big
eats. I can't tell you what we had, but I can say this much. If she
loses another race the Judge will have to go over to the corporations.
Eat? We had the best there was.
"Gee, I am sore on this racing thing. You know I went down there a
couple of weeks ago and chased the books up a tree. I prance down there
the other day and they had me going some. I had a crowd of inside info,
and what do I do but let a wop tout me out of it and play his horse. I
lost just five hundred cold ones by the deal, and I sure does give this
guy a laying out.
"I says to him, 'What license you got to give a lady a bum steer like
that? Here I go and plant my fifty on the dog you handed me at 6 to 5,
and the 10 to 1 shot I was going to play wins! Where's my comeback? I
ask you as a lady, where do I get off?' He offered to kick in with the
fifty I lost, but I put up such an awful roar that he gave me two
hundred more to ease my aching heart.
"I lose him in the crowd and then take a peek at the entries again and
find the gee-gee I intended betting on didn't even start. Of course I
couldn't find the party that gave me the two fifty, search as I might.
Wasn't that rotten luck?
"I ran that two fifty up to an even thousand before the last race and
then beat it for home and mother. The bunch went into the fresh air fund
along with the rest. I am now trying to meet some nice gentleman who
does business in Wall Street and get him to make a few conservative
investments for me. Not that I intend to use any of my own money.
Certainly not. But it is a good thing to have a bank account to flash,
so that the boob will think he will get a comeback if he does lose.
"A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when
he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics
before I could get rid of him.
"The conceited yen some of these boobs have in thinking that a fluff has
nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight.
"I am trying to get the Chorus Girls' Union to get together and pass a
law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab. Don't you think
that would be a good idea? Lots of times the supper ain't worth the time
she wastes on the cluck. They could have a little indicator fastened to
their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the
flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall,
and then collect. In that way the doll would have the price of
breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe. It would
reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot.
"Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley's yacht
The Hornet the other day? He calls it The Hornet because he got stung
when he bought it. The weather was all to the good the other afternoon,
so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after
loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out. Gosh, the
water was lovely. Gym don't care what becomes of the blooming barge as
long as it doesn't get lost. You can even sink it, if you mark the spot.
We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, 'cause the boat
wouldn't hold them, and sallied forth.
"Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat. Come to find out later, it was
a stone boat he had been educated on.
"Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the
gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream. Yo
ho, my lads, yo, ho.
"The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after
nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail
so the wind would push the boat right along. Aye, aye, captain, a fish
sou'-sou' by east with the wind in his teeth! The sturdy vessel was just
tearing along. Honest, you could see it move--right along, just like a
clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to
reach for a bottle of beer that didn't belong to her, fell overboard.
"It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the nob with an
oar when she came-up. We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in
a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry.
"She got jerry to the fact that there was a bottle of jig juice in the
galley and at once threw a chill. Honest, to see that fluff do a stage
chill would have made a eel laugh, ha! ha! in that manner. She shook so
hard she nearly threw us all out of the scow, so that we finally had to
listen to her pleadings and pass her the booze.
"I was for letting her shake so if we wanted mixed drinks al we would
have to do was to put the glass in her mitt and say go to it, but some
of the gazabos in the mob got a sympathy streak and let her have it. I'd
a let her had it, all right, all right, the outside of the bottle right
on the marcel.
"The subterfuges these Janes will indulge in to accomplish their ends
makes my goat jump the barrier.
"Nothing else marred our pleasant little sail up the river except when
we opened the lunch box we found only one sandwich, and no one would eat
it. Everybody wanted to trade their interest in it for a bottle of beer,
and there was nearly a riot.
"It was finally settled by Wilbur, who is always the fair-haired boy
when it comes to emergencies. He took the sandwich and threw it
overboard and each and every member of the famished crew had another
eyedropper full of suds. If it hadn't been for him, we would be out
there yet.
"We had got up to nearly opposite 155th street by this time and some of
the less experienced members of the jolly gang were commencing to worry
that they would never see Broadway again and stationed a lookout in the
bow to find Albany. Aye, aye, the deck, water sighted on the port beam.
On duty, captain. These noodley dames were strong for reversing and
returning to our harbor, which we had not seen for these many years--ah,
the brave sailor lad; alas, he had to remain away from home at night--so
Wilbur started to turn the boat around.
"I think he must have thought he was driving a street car, for instead
of reversing like any white man would, he pulled off an evolution that
was a peach.
"All of the wind ducked out of the sail gag for a minute and the boat
spun around, then, all of a sudden, it filled again, and, bingo! the
scow slowly lays over on her side an dies. The outfit fell into the
water kerplunk. I think I touched the bottom nine times before I grabbed
the side of the boat. I remember distinctly of passing a fish so often
that we got on speaking terms.