Trips to the Moon - Lucian
"I am no god, why call'st thou me divine?" {170}
I am Empedocles, the naturalist: after I had leaped into the
furnace, a vapour from AEtna carried me up hither, and here I live
in the moon and feed upon dew: I am come to free you from your
present distress." "You are very kind," said I, "most noble
Empedocles, and when I fly back to Greece, I shall not forget to pay
my devotions to you in the tunnel of my chimney every new moon."
"Think not," replied he, "that I do this for the sake of any reward
I might expect for it; by Endymion, {171} that is not the case, but
I was really grieved to see you so uneasy: and now, how shall we
contrive to make you see clear?" "That, by Jove," said I, "I cannot
guess, unless you can take off this mist from my eyes, for they are
horribly dim at present." "You have brought the remedy along with
you." "How so?" "Have you not got an eagle's wing?" "True, but
what has that to do with an eye?" "An eagle, you know, is more
sharp-sighted than any other creature, and the only one that can
look against the sun: your true royal bird is known by never
winking at the rays, be they ever so strong." "So I have heard, and
I am sorry I did not, before I came up, take out my own eyes and put
in the eagle's; thus imperfect, to be sure, I am not royally
furnished, but a kind of bastard bird." "You may have one royal
eye, for all that, if you please; it is only when you rise up to
fly, holding the vulture's wing still, and moving the eagle's only;
by which means, you will see clearly with one, though not at all
with the other." "That will do, and is sufficient for me; I have
often seen smiths, and other artists, look with one eye only, to
make their work the truer." This conversation ended, Empedocles
vanished into smoke, and I saw no more of him. I acted as he
advised me, and no sooner moved my eagle's wing, than a great light
came all around me, and I saw everything as clear as possible:
looking down to earth, I beheld distinctly cities and men, and
everything that passed amongst them; not only what they did openly,
but whatever was going on at home, and in their own houses, where
they thought to conceal it. I saw Lysimachus betrayed by his son;
{172a} Antiochus intriguing with his mother-in-law; {172b} Alexander
the Thessalian slain by his wife; and Attalus poisoned by his son:
in another place I saw Arsaces killing his wife, and the eunuch
Arbaces drawing his sword upon Arsaces; Spartim, the Mede, dragged
by the heels from the banquet by his guards, and knocked on the head
with a cup. In the palaces of Scythia and Thrace the same
wickedness was going forward; and nothing could I see but murderers,
adulterers, conspirators, false swearers, men in perpetual terrors,
and betrayed by their dearest friends and acquaintance.
Such was the employment of kings and great men: in private houses
there was something more ridiculous; there I saw Hermodorus the
Epicurean forswearing himself for a thousand drachmas; Agathocles
the Stoic quarrelling with his disciples about the salary for
tuition; Clinias the orator stealing a phial out of the temple; not
to mention a thousand others, who were undermining walls, litigating
in the forum, extorting money, or lending it upon usury; a sight,
upon the whole, of wonderful variety.
FRIEND.
It must have been very entertaining; let us have it all, I desire.
MENIPPUS.
I had much ado to see, to relate it to you is impossible; it was
like Homer's shield, {173} on one side were feasting and nuptials,
on the other haranguing and decrees; here a sacrifice, and there a
burial; the Getae at war, the Scythians travelling in their
caravans, the Egyptians tilling their fields, the Phoenicians
merchandising, the Cilicians robbing and plundering, the Spartans
flogging their children, and the Athenians perpetually quarrelling
and going to law with one another.
When all this was doing, at the same time, you may conceive what a
strange medley this appeared to me; it was just as if a number of
dancers, or rather singers, were met together, and every one was
ordered to leave the chorus, and sing his own song, each striving to
drown the other's voice, by bawling as loud as he could; you may
imagine what kind of a concert this would make.
FRIEND.
Truly ridiculous and confused, no doubt.
MENIPPUS.
And yet such, my friend, are all the poor performers upon earth, and
of such is composed the discordant music of human life; the voices
not only dissonant and inharmonious, but the forms and habits all
differing from each other, moving in various directions, and
agreeing in nothing; till at length the great master {175a} of the
choir drives everyone of them from the stage, and tells him he is no
longer wanted there; then all are silent, and no longer disturb each
other with their harsh and jarring discord. But in this wide and
extensive theatre, full of various shapes and forms, everything was
matter of laughter and ridicule. Above all, I could not help
smiling at those who quarrel about the boundaries of their little
territory, and fancy themselves great because they occupy a
Sicyonian {175b} field, or possess that part of Marathon which
borders on Oenoe, or are masters of a thousand acres in Acharnae;
when after all, to me, who looked from above, Greece was but four
fingers in breadth, and Attica a very small portion of it indeed. I
could not but think how little these rich men had to be proud of; he
who was lord of the most extensive country owned a spot that
appeared to me about as large as one of Epicurus's atoms. When I
looked down upon Peloponnesus, and beheld Cynuria, {176a} I
reflected with astonishment on the number of Argives and
Lacedemonians who fell in one day, fighting for a piece of land no
bigger than an Egyptian lentil; and when I saw a man brooding over
his gold, and boasting that he had got four cups or eight rings, I
laughed most heartily at him: whilst the whole Pangaeus, {176b}
with all its mines, seemed no larger than a grain of millet.
FRIEND.
A fine sight you must have had; but how did the cities and the men
look?
MENIPPUS.
You have often seen a crowd of ants running to and fro in and out of
their city, some turning up a bit of dung, others dragging a bean-
shell, or running away with half a grain of wheat. I make no doubt
but they have architects, demagogues, senators, musicians, and
philosophers amongst them. Men, my friend, are exactly like these:
if you approve not of the comparison, recollect, if you please, the
ancient Thessalian fables, and you will find that the Myrmidons,
{177} a most warlike nation, sprung originally from pismires.
When I had thus seen and diverted myself with everything, I shook my
wings and flew off,
"To join the sacred senate of the skies." {178a}
Scarce had I gone a furlong, when the Moon, in a soft female voice,
cried out to me, "Menippus, will you carry something for me to
Jupiter, so may your journey be prosperous?" "With all my heart,"
said I, "if it is nothing very heavy." "Only a message," replied
she, "a small petition to him: my patience is absolutely worn out
by the philosophers, who are perpetually disputing about me, who I
am, of what size, how it happens that I am sometimes round and full,
at others cut in half; some say I am inhabited, others that I am
only a looking-glass hanging over the sea, and a hundred conjectures
of this kind; even my light, {178b} they say, is none of my own, but
stolen from the Sun; thus endeavouring to set me and my brother
together by the ears, not content with abusing him, and calling him
a hot stone, and a mass of fire. In the meantime, I am no stranger
to what these men, who look so grave and sour all day, are doing o'
nights; but I see and say nothing, not thinking it decent to lay
open their vile and abominable lives to the public; for when I catch
them thieving, or practising any of their nocturnal tricks, I wrap
myself up in a cloud, that I may not expose to the world a parcel of
old fellows, who, in spite of their long beards, and professions of
virtue, are guilty of every vice, and yet they are always railing at
and abusing me. I swear by night I have often resolved to move
farther off to get out of reach of their busy tongues; and I beg you
would tell Jupiter that I cannot possibly stay here any longer,
unless he will destroy these naturalists, stop the mouths of the
logicians, throw down the Portico, burn the Academy, and make an end
of the inhabitants of Peripatus; so may I enjoy at last a little
rest, which these fellows are perpetually disturbing." "It shall be
done," said I, and away I set out for heaven, where
"No tracks of beasts or signs of men are found." {179}
In a little time the earth was invisible, and the moon appeared very
small; and now, leaving the sun on my right hand, I flew amongst the
stars, and on the third day reached my journey's end. At first I
intended to fly in just as I was, thinking that, being half an
eagle, I should not be discovered, as that bird was an old
acquaintance of Jupiter's, but then it occurred to me that I might
be found out by my vulture's wing, and laid hold on: deeming it,
therefore, most prudent not to run the hazard, I went up, and
knocked at the door: Mercury heard me, and asking my name, went off
immediately, and carried it to his master; soon after I was let in,
and, trembling and quaking with fear, found all the gods sitting
together, and seemingly not a little alarmed at my appearance there,
expecting probably that they should soon have a number of winged
mortals travelling up to them in the same manner: when Jupiter,
looking at me with a most severe and Titanic {180a} countenance,
cried out,
"Say who thou art, and whence thy country, name
Thy parents--" {180b}
At this I thought I should have died with fear; I stood motionless,
and astonished at the awfulness and majesty of his voice; but
recovering myself in a short time, I related to him everything from
the beginning, how desirous I was of knowing sublime truths, how I
went to the philosophers, and hearing them contradict one another,
and driven to despair, thought on the scheme of making me wings,
with all that had happened in my journey quite up to heaven. I then
delivered the message to him from the Moon, at which, softening his
contracted brow, he smiled at me, and cried, "What were Otus and
Ephialtes {181} in comparison of Menippus, who has thus dared to fly
up to heaven; but come, we now invite you to supper with us; to-
morrow we will attend to your business, and dismiss you." At these
words he rose up and went to that part of heaven where everything
from below could be heard most distinctly; for this, it seems, was
the time appointed to hear petitions. As we went along, he asked me
several questions about earthly matters, such as, "How much corn is
there at present in Greece? had you a hard winter last year? and did
your cabbages want rain? is any of Phidias's {182} family alive now?
what is the reason that the Athenians have left off sacrificing to
me for so many years? do they think of building up the Olympian
temple again? are the thieves taken that robbed the Dodonaean?"
When I had answered all these, "Pray, Menippus," said he, "what does
mankind really think of me?" "How should they think of you," said
I, "but with the utmost veneration, that you are the great sovereign
of the gods." "There you jest," said he, "I am sure; I know well
enough how fond they are of novelty, though you will not own it.
There was a time, indeed, when I was held in some estimation, when I
was the great physician, when I was everything, in short--
"When streets, and lanes, and all was full of Jove." {183a}
Pisa {183b} and Dodona {183c} were distinguished above every place,
and I could not see for the smoke of sacrifices; but, since Apollo
has set up his oracle at Delphi, and AEsculapius practises physic at
Pergamus; since temples have been erected to Bendis {183d} at
Thrace, to Anubis in Egypt, and to Diana at Ephesus, everybody runs
after them; with them they feast, to them they offer up their
hecatombs, and think it honour enough for a worn-out god, as I am,
if they sacrifice once in six years at Olympia; whilst my altars are
as cold and neglected as Plato's laws, {184} or the syllogisms of
Chrysippus."
With this and such-like chat we passed away the time, till we came
to the place where the petitions were to be heard. Here we found
several holes, with covers to them, and close to every one was
placed a golden chair. Jupiter sat down in the first he came to,
and lifting up the lid, listened to the prayers, which, as you may
suppose, were of various kinds. I stooped down and heard several of
them myself, such as, "O Jupiter, grant me a large empire!" "O
Jupiter, may my leeks and onions flourish and increase!" "Grant
Jupiter, that my father may die soon!" "Grant I may survive my
wife!" "Grant I may not be discovered, whilst I lay wait for my
brother!" "Grant that I may get my cause!" "Grant that I may be
crowned at Olympia!" One sailor asked for a north wind, another for
a south; the husbandman prayed for rain, and the fuller for
sunshine. Jupiter heard them all, but did not promise everybody--
"--some the just request,
He heard propitious, and denied the rest." {185a}
Those prayers which he thought right and proper he let up through
the hole, and blew the wicked and foolish ones back, that they might
not rise to heaven. One petition, indeed, puzzled him a little; two
men asking favours of him directly contrary to each other, at the
same time, and promising the same sacrifice; he was at a loss which
to oblige; he became immediately a perfect Academic, and like
Pyrrho, {185b} was held in suspense between them. When he had done
with the prayers, he sat down upon the next chair, over another
hole, and listened to those who were swearing and making vows. When
he had finished this business, and destroyed Hermodorus, the
Epicurean, for perjury, he removed to the next seat, and gave
audience to the auguries, oracles, and divinations; which having
despatched, he proceeded to the hole that brought up the fume of the
victims, together with the name of the sacrificer. Then he gave out
his orders to the winds and storms: "Let there be rain to-day in
Scythia, lightning in Africa, and snow in Greece; do you, Boreas,
blow in Lydia, and whilst Notus lies still, let the north wind raise
the waves of the Adriatic, and about a thousand measures of hail be
sprinkled over Cappadocia."
When Jupiter had done all his business we repaired to the feast, for
it was now supper-time, and Mercury bade me sit down by Pan, the
Corybantes, Attis, and Sabazius, a kind of demi-gods who are
admitted as visitors there. Ceres served us with bread, and Bacchus
with wine; Hercules handed about the flesh, Venus scattered myrtles,
and Neptune brought us fish; not to mention that I got slyly a
little nectar and ambrosia, for my friend Ganymede, out of good-
nature, if he saw Jove looking another way, would frequently throw
me in a cup or two. The greater gods, as Homer tells us {187a}
(who, I suppose, had seen them as well as myself,) never taste meat
or wine, but feed upon ambrosia and get drunk with nectar, at the
same time their greatest luxury is, instead of victuals, to suck in
the fumes that rise from the victims, and the blood of the
sacrifices that are offered up to them. Whilst we were at supper,
Apollo played on the harp, Silenus danced a cordax, and the Muses
repeated Hesiod's Theogony, and the first Ode of Pindar. When these
recreations were over we all retired tolerably well soaked, {187b}
to bed,
"Now pleasing rest had sealed each mortal eye,
And even immortal gods in slumber lie,
All but myself--" {187c}
I could not help thinking of a thousand things, and particularly how
it came to pass that, during so long a time Apollo {188a} should
never have got him a beard, and how there came to be night in
heaven, though the sun is always present there and feasting with
them. I slept a little, and early in the morning Jupiter ordered
the crier to summon a council of the gods, and when they were all
assembled, thus addressed himself to them.
"The stranger who came here yesterday, is the chief cause of my
convening you this day. I have long wanted to talk with you
concerning the philosophers, and the complaints now sent to us from
the Moon make it immediately necessary to take the affair into
consideration. There is lately sprung up a race of men, slothful,
quarrelsome, vain-glorious, foolish, petulant, gluttonous, proud,
abusive, in short what Homer calls,
"An idle burthen to the ground." {188b}
These, dividing themselves into sects, run through all the
labyrinths of disputation, calling themselves Stoics, Academics,
Epicureans, Peripatetics, and a hundred other names still more
ridiculous; then wrapping themselves up in the sacred veil of
virtue, they contract their brows and let down their beards, under a
specious appearance hiding the most abandoned profligacy; like one
of the players on the stage, if you strip him of his fine habits
wrought with gold, all that remains behind is a ridiculous spectacle
of a little contemptible fellow, hired to appear there for seven
drachmas. And yet these men despise everybody, talk absurdly of the
gods, and drawing in a number of credulous boys, roar to them in a
tragical style about virtue, and enter into disputations that are
endless and unprofitable. To their disciples they cry up fortitude
and temperance, a contempt of riches and pleasures, and, when alone,
indulge in riot and debauchery. The most intolerable of all is,
that though they contribute nothing towards the good and welfare of
the community, though they are
"Unknown alike in council and in field;" {189}
yet are they perpetually finding fault with, abusing, and reviling
others, and he is counted the greatest amongst them who is most
impudent, noisy, and malevolent; if one should say to one of these
fellows who speak ill of everybody, 'What service are you of to the
commonwealth?' he would reply, if he spoke fairly and honestly, 'To
be a sailor or a soldier, or a husbandman, or a mechanic, I think
beneath me; but I can make a noise and look dirty, wash myself in
cold water, go barefoot all winter, and then, like Momus, find fault
with everybody else; if any rich man sups luxuriously, I rail at,
and abuse him; but if any of my friends or acquaintance fall sick,
and want my assistance, I take no notice of them.'
"Such, my brother gods, are the cattle {190} which I complain of;
and of all these the Epicureans are the worst, who assert that the
gods take no care of human affairs, or look at all into them: it is
high time, my brethren, that we should take this matter into
consideration, for if once they can persuade the people to believe
these things, you must all starve; for who will sacrifice to you,
when they can get nothing by it? What the Moon accuses you of, you
all heard yesterday from the stranger; consult, therefore, amongst
yourselves, and determine what may best promote the happiness of
mankind, and our own security." When Jupiter had thus spoken, the
assembly rung with repeated cries, of "thunder, and lightning! burn,
consume, destroy! down with them into the pit, to Tartarus, and the
giants!" Jove, however, once more commanding silence, cried out,
"It shall be done as you desire; they and their philosophy shall
perish together: but at present, no punishments must be inflicted;
for these four months to come, as you all know, it is a solemn
feast, and I have declared a truce: next year, in the beginning of
the spring, my lightning shall destroy them.
"As to Menippus, first cutting off his wings that he may not come
here again, let Mercury carry him down to the earth."
Saying this, he broke up the assembly, and Mercury taking me up by
my right ear, brought me down, and left me yesterday evening in the
Ceramicus. And now, my friend, you have heard everything I had to
tell you from heaven; I must take my leave, and carry this good news
to the philosophers, who are walking in the Poecile.
NOTES.
{17} One of Alexander's generals, to whose share, on the division of
the empire, after that monarch's death, fell the kingdom of Thrace,
in which was situated the city of Abdera.
{18a} A small fragment of this tragedy, which has in it the very
line here quoted by Lucian, is yet extant in Barnes's edition of
Euripides.
{18b} This story may afford no useless admonition to the managers of
the Haymarket and other summer theatres, who, it is to be hoped,
will not run the hazard of inflaming their audiences with too much
tragedy in the dog days.
{19a} This alludes to the Parthian War, in the time of Severian; the
particulars of which, except the few here occasionally glanced at,
we are strangers to. Lucian, most probably, by this tract totally
knocked up some of the historians who had given an account of it,
and prevented many others, who were intimidated by the severity of
his strictures, attempting to transmit the history of it to
posterity.
{19b} This saying is attributed to Empedocles.
{20a} The most famous of the Pontic cities, and well known as the
residence of the renowned Cynic philosopher. It is still called by
the same name, and is a port town of Asiatic Turkey, on the Euxine.
{20b} A kind of school or gymnasium where the young men performed
their exercises. The choice of such a place by a philosopher to
roll a tub in heightens the ridicule.
{21} See Homer's "Odyssey," M 1. 219.
{23} Alluding to the story he set out with.
{24a} [Greek]. Gr. The Latin translation renders it "octava
duplici." See Burney's "Dissertation on Music," Sect. 1.
{24b} Gr. [Greek], aspera arteria, or the wind-pipe. The comparison
is strictly just and remarkably true, as we may all recollect how
dreadful the sensation is when any part of our food slips down what
is generally called "the wrong way."
{25a} See Homer's "Iliad," [Greek] 1. 227, and Virgil's "Camilla,"
in the 7th book of the "AEneid."
{25b} See Homer's "Iliad," [Greek] 1. 18. One of the blind bard's
speciosa miracula, which Lucian is perpetually laughing at.
{26} [Greek], or cerussa. Painting, we see, both amongst men and
women, was practised long ago, and has at least the plea of
antiquity in its favour. According to Lucian, the men laid on
white; for the [Greek] was probably ceruse, or white lead; the
ladies, we may suppose, as at present, preferred the rouge.
{29} Dinocrates. The same story is told of him, with some little
alteration, by Vitruvius. Mention is made of it likewise by Pliny
and Strabo.
{35} "His buckler's mighty orb was next displayed;
Tremendous Gorgon frowned upon its field,
And circling terrors filled the expressive shield.
Within its concave hung a silver thong,
On which a mimic serpent creeps along,
His azure length in easy waves extends,
Till, in three heads, th' embroidered monster ends."
See Pope's "Homer's Iliad," book xi., 1. 43.
Lucian here means to ridicule, not Homer, but the historian's absurd
imitation of him.
{39} The Greek expression was proverbial. Horace has adopted it:
"Parturiunt montes, nascetur ridiculus mus."
{40} Lucian adds, [Greek], ut est in proverbio, by which it appears
that barbers and their shops were as remarkable for gossiping and
tittle-tattle in ancient as they are in modern times. Aristophanes
mentions them in his "Plutus," they are recorded also by Plutarch,
and Theophrastus styles them [Greek].
{41} See Thucydides, book ii., cap. 34.
{42} Who fell upon his sword. See the "Ajax" of Sophocles.
{43} For a description of this famous statue, see Pausanias.
{44} The [Greek], or scarus, is mentioned by several ancient
authors, as a fish of the most delicate flavour, and is supposed to
be of the same nature with our chars in Cumberland, and some other
parts of this kingdom. I have ventured, therefore, to call it by
this name, till some modern Apicius can furnish me with a better.
{45} Dragons, or fiery serpents, were used by the Parthians, and
Suidas tells us, by the Scythians also, as standards, in the same
manner as the Romans made use of the eagle, and under every one of
these standards were a thousand men. See Lips. de Mil. Rom., cap.
4.
{46} See Arrian.
{47} The idea here so deservedly laughed at, of a history of what
was to come, if treated, not seriously, as this absurd writer
treated it, but ludicrously, as Lucian would probably have treated
it himself, might open a fine field for wit and humour. Something
of this kind appeared in a newspaper a few years ago, which, I
think, was called "News for a Hundred Years Hence;" and though but a
rough sketch, was well executed. A larger work, on the same ground,
and by a good hand, might afford much entertainment.