Parent and Child Vol. III., Child Study and Training - Mosiah Hall
"A four-year-old boy when he first entered the kindergarten was the most
complete embodiment of negative training I have ever met. It was 'No, I
don't want to,' 'No, I won't sit by that boy,' 'No, I don't like blocks.'
Nothing pleased him; nothing satisfied him. He was already an isolated
character, unhappy himself and a source of discomfort to others. Soon after
beginning our work, I heard a whizzing sound, and Paul's voice crying out:
'Joseph has knocked my soldier off the table and he did it on purpose too.'
My first impulse was to say: 'Why did you do that? It was naughty. Go and
pick up Paul's soldier.' But that would have been negative treatment, too
much of which had been heaped upon him already; so, instead, I said: 'Oh,
well, Paul, never mind, Joseph doesn't know that we try to make each other
happy in kindergarten.'
"Some time afterwards I said: 'Come here, Joseph, I wish you to be my
messenger boy.' This was a privilege highly desired by the children. Joseph
came reluctantly as if expecting some hidden censure, but soon he was busy
running back and forth, giving each child the proper materials for the next
half-hour's work. As soon as the joy of service had melted him into a mood
of comradeship, I whispered: 'Run over now and get Paul's soldier.'
Instantly he obeyed, picked it up, and placed it on the table before its
owner, quietly slipped into his own place and began his work. His whole
nature for the time being was changed. Continued treatment of this kind
completely transformed the nature of the child."
Scolding and finding fault are the most common forms of negative training
employed by parents. Such treatment brings out and emphasizes the opposite
qualities from those desired, since they appeal to the very worst side of
the child's nature. Usually, too, the sympathy of the mother and the
affection of the child are separated and coldness takes their place.
Suggest to the child at the right time the act you wish him to do and
usually it will be quickly accomplished; then if a child is praised a
little for his promptness, he will soon grow into the habit of doing
promptly other more important tasks. The boy who dallied over everything he
did was soon cured by the simple device of counting while he ran an errand
and then praising him for his quick return. A little praise goes farther
than much censure. Sometimes a boy's tone and manner are lacking in respect
to his mother, or a girl becomes troublesome and defies authority. This
condition did not come about suddenly; it is the result of continued
negative treatment. Usually, if a boy is disrespectful or a girl impudent,
it is because the parents through neglect or improper training, have
unconsciously fostered such behavior.
Some children are timid and superstitious, too often they are laughed at
and ridiculed; on the other hand, fun should never be made of such children
and they should be given every opportunity to develop courage and
self-reliance. If a child is irreverent, he should have his eyes opened to
the wonders of creation and to the majesty and power displayed by the Maker
of the universe. So, in all cases, the parents should beware of the almost
universal, negative mode of training which represses, scolds, finds fault,
and results in producing hardness, slyness, obstinacy, and other
undesirable qualities; instead, positive methods should be employed. They
suggest correct action, substitute the right for the wrong, praise for
blame, encouragement rather than discouragement, and stimulate to higher
endeavor. However, if occasion demands, parents may be stern, unrelenting
and even resort to punishment.
LESSON XIII
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. What is the main point of this lesson?
2. Discuss the "won't" child.
3. Discuss the "don't" boy.
4. Discuss scolding and finding fault versus judicious praise.
5. What is the value of suggestion in guiding children? Illustrate.
6. What often explains disrespect and impudence in children?
8. Illustrate some helpful ways that give positive training to children.
Selections from "The Dawn of Character," by Mumford, will be found helpful,
for further studies on this subject.
FOOD, DRESS AND TOYS
"_The Body Is More Than Raiment; and Life, More Than Meat_."
The normal child is born in a state of naturalness with respect to his
tastes and appetites and the endeavor should be to keep him in this natural
state. But too often his senses are stimulated to excess and an artificial
appetite is begun which usually leads to some form of intemperance. Much of
the excess in drinking is due, not to inheritance, but to vicious feeding.
A false appetite leads to physical unrest and uneasiness and this naturally
lends itself to the pleasure and excitement of drink.
"Why do you not eat the pickles, my son?" said one father; "they are very
nice." "No," said the boy, "I don't see any use in eating spiced pickles,
it doesn't help to make me strong; my teacher says so." Would that every
child were thus trained to prefer wholesome to unwholesome food. Our
schools are doing good work along these lines of personal hygiene; parents
should reinforce the efforts of the teacher by bringing the home hygiene up
to the right standards.
The clothing of children also deserves some attention. Probably in nothing
else is vanity and selfishness more easily displayed than in dress. How
rare a thing it is to find a beautiful child, simply or even plainly
dressed, who is neither vain of her good looks nor of her rich apparel. The
sweetest object in the world is a beautiful child, tastily dressed, free
from vanity, and perfectly natural and unspoiled. The mother who praises
her child's curls or rosy cheeks rather than the child's actions or inner
motives, is developing vanity of the worst kind--placing beauty of
appearance above beauty of conduct.
"Fashionable parties for children are abominations upon the face of the
earth." Soon enough the child will come in contact with that which is
unnatural and deceitful without having artificial conduct forced upon him.
LESSON XIV
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. What may result from developing an artificial appetite in children?
2. What should the young mother avoid in feeding her child?
3. What evils result from over-indulgence in candy, nick-nacks, soda water,
etc.?
4. In the dress of children how is vanity often developed?
5. What may result from constant praise of the good looks of the child?
6. Discuss proper dress in children.
For further help on these points read Mrs. Harrison's "Study of Child
Nature," pages 47 to 54.
CULTIVATING THE EMOTIONS
_It Is a Serious Mistake to Begin Educating the Intellect Before Training
the Emotions_
In the history of the race, art develops before science, just as in nature
the blossom comes before the fruit; so in the child emotions come before
reason, and he is attracted and his sympathies aroused by nearly any appeal
to his senses long before his understanding tells him why. Notwithstanding
this fact, nearly every educative effort is confined to the intellect and
the feelings are allowed to shift for themselves. The result is that many a
child grows up cold, hard, and matter-of-fact, with little of color, poetry
or sympathy to enrich his life. The common mistake is to starve the
emotions in order to overfeed the understanding. The education of the heart
must keep pace with that of the head if a well-balanced character is to be
developed. Even in school the teacher too often proceeds to stuff the child
with information before first awakening interest in the subject. Once
arouse the interest of a child in any subject and he will pursue it to
success.
Toys are of much value to children not only as promoters of play but
because they appeal to their sympathies and give exercise to the emotions.
The two great obstacles to the exercise of the right emotions are fear and
pity. Toys are great aids in overcoming these tendencies. Through dramatic
play with toys, children exercise their own imaginations and put action
into their own lives; and gradually fear and pity are overcome through the
confidence the child develops in himself.
"We find the instincts of the race renewed in each new-born infant. Each
individual child desires to master his surroundings. He cannot yet drive a
real horse and wagon, but his very soul delights in the three-inch horse
and the gaily-painted wagon; he cannot tame real tigers and lions, but his
eyes dance with pleasure as he places and replaces the animals of his toy
menagerie. He cannot at present run engines or direct railways, but he can
control for a whole half-hour the movements of his miniature train. He is
not yet ready for real fatherhood, but he can pet and play with, and rock
to sleep and tenderly guard the doll baby." Through toys the child
practises in miniature most of the activities of the adult and thus
gradually bridges the chasm between his small capacity and the great
realities and possibilities of life.
The heart should be trained as carefully as the head. Our emotions even
more than our reason govern us. Train the child to feel rightly, to admire
the good, the true and the beautiful, and you need not fear. He will
develop a love of home, of country and of God that will carry him safely
throughout all his life. This does not mean that we shall neglect the
training of his intellect; both heart and head should be trained together,
but the heart must not be neglected; for out of it, says the Good Book,
come the issues of life.
LESSON XV
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. What may result from cultivating the intellect in children before
stimulating the emotions?
2. Which governs us most, our feelings or our reason?
3. How can we develop best the right emotions in childhood, such as
kindness and unselfishness?
4. In what ways may toys help to develop the child? Discuss here proper and
improper toys; which are preferable, dolls or Teddy Bears, in developing
motherly instincts? What about soldiers, firearms, etc., in their effect on
boys?
For further reading on this point, Mrs. Harrison's "Study on Child Nature"
will be found helpful. Let some member report from the book, if it be
available, dealing particularly with pages 66 to 70.
THE INFLUENCE OF LOVE
_Love Is the Vital Element Which Transforms Human Nature and Makes Life
Worth Living_
The sweetest word in all the language is _love_. Without it life is a
frozen tundra where the sun never shines. Home is beautiful because there
is love. If a planet exists where love is absent, then it contains no
fire-sides, the laughter of children is never heard, flowers do not grow
there, and the singing of birds is unknown.
If selfishness is ever overcome, if it is ever transformed into service, it
will be when love is triumphant; for love alone is great enough to
sacrifice itself for another. Love only can reach the sublime heights of
faith and exaltation, of reverence and worship. Love alone has the power to
say, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."
There is, however, a strange contradiction or opposition in love. Sometimes
it is as weak and timid as a bashful girl, at other times, as strong and
heroic as an Amazon; now it is like the harmony in music or the delicate
coloring of a sunset; again, like the thunderous roar of Niagara or the
consuming fire of Vesuvius.
Love is an instrument with many strings, some so delicate that they catch
the sweetest symphonies of the soul, others so powerful that they resound
to the mighty storms and tempests of life, and some so vibrant that they
throb to the sorrows and heartaches of a bleeding world.
Affection is awakened in the child with his first smile in recognition of
his mother's face. How shall this budding affection be rightly nurtured and
developed so that it shall flower and bring forth good fruit? It is desired
that he shall be generous and possess good will towards others, that he
shall have sympathy and the spirit of sacrifice for those dear to him; but
too often the fruit of promise is eaten into by the worm of selfishness.
"Selfishness is the most universal of sins and the most hateful. Dante
placed Lucifer, the embodiment of selfishness, down below all other sinners
in the dark pit of the Inferno, frozen in a sea of ice. Well did the poet
know that this sin lay at the root of all others. Think, if you can, of one
crime or vice which has not its origin in selfishness."
As already stated, the primary instincts of the child favor the development
of selfishness and the gratification of the appetites and passions. The
utmost care, therefore, must be exercised by the parents, from the very
beginning, if the affections and desires of the child are to be trained
away from itself and not permitted to become self-centered. Happy is the
child whose mother knows how to direct those earliest manifestations of
love. The undisciplined senses and appetites easily degenerate into
indulgence of passion, or grow into that moral control which delights in
temperance.
The inborn desire for praise and recognition may express itself in bragging
vanity, or expand into heroic endeavor. So, too, there is a physical love
which expresses itself in a mere caress and a higher, purer, more glorious
love which manifests itself in service and self-sacrifice. The tremendous
hug of the little arms and the kiss of the rosy lips are manifestations of
physical love; while the child is in this loving mood the wise mother
should ask of him some little service, slight at first, but sufficient to
make him put forth some effort to serve her. In this way she can transform
this mere selfish love into the beginning of that spiritual love which
Christ commended when He said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments."
The parent stands to his child for the time being, as the one supreme
source of every power and blessing; the wise parent may establish
between himself and the little one almost the same beautiful and solemn
relationship as that which exists between the Supreme Giver of all good and
His children. "Not every one that sayeth unto me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall
enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father
which is in Heaven."
"Love is to be tested always by its effect upon the will. From the
beginning the will must be made strong and unselfish by repeated acts of
loving self-sacrifice. Contrast the selfish, all-absorbing love of Romeo
for Juliet, who could not live without the physical presence of the one he
loved, with that grandly beautiful love of Hector for Andromache, who, out
of the very love he bore her, could place her to one side and answer the
stern call of duty that she might never in the future have cause for
painful blush.
"I knew an ideal home where husband and wife were filled with the most
exalted love I have ever known, but the husband died. The wife said: 'All
that was beautiful or attractive in my life went out with my husband, and
yet I know that I must, for the love I bear him, remain and rear our child
as he would have him reared.' As I listened to these words, quietly uttered
by the courageous wife, I realized what love, real love, could help the
poor, stricken heart to endure."
The child must be trained through love to give up his own will to others,
and, from the beginning, learn to submit to things which are unpleasant.
If this thought is insisted on from the first, obedience will come easily
to the child; but woe be to both mother and child if egotism, self-will and
selfishness secure a fast hold upon the young heart.
A mother should never refuse the help offered by the child. If the work is
of such nature that the little one cannot share it, let the mother suggest
as a substitute something else which the child can do. Help turned away
begets idleness and nourishes selfishness. "No, dear, you cannot help dress
baby, but you may hand mama the clothes."
"A six-year-old boy, who had been taught true love through service, found
his mother one morning too ill to answer his many questions. 'Mama cannot
talk to you to-day, Philip, she has a severe headache.' He quietly closed
the door and soon there was a mysterious bumping and moving about of the
heavy furniture in the next room. Soon it all was still, then the door was
gently opened and little Philip tiptoed to his mother's bed and whispered,
'Mama, I have straightened the furniture and tidied up the room; is your
headache better?'
"A little three-year-old boy running rapidly stumbled and bumped his head
severely against the trunk of a tree. Loud cries of pain at once arose, but
his little brother took him by the arm and pushed him with all his might
towards his mother, saying in the most reassuring tone imaginable, 'Run to
mama, Ned, run to mama, she'll kiss it and make it well. Please run to her
quick.' 'Perfect love casteth out all fear.' Surely the wise mother can
devise a thousand ways by which to kindle the flame of love in her child
until her fond dreams for the little ones are transformed into living
realities. But the doubter may remark, 'What if I ask my child to do
something for me and he refuses or begins to make excuses or asks why his
brother can't do it?' You have simply mistaken the time for stretching the
young soul's wings. Begin the training when the child is in the loving mood
and you will rarely fail to get the desired response; yet, if need be,
command the performance of the deed, so that by repeated doing the selfish
heart may at length learn the pleasure of unselfishness and thus enter into
the joy of true living."
Let parents take this motto to heart: _Trust not the physical love of your
child, but seek to transform it into that higher love which manifests
itself in service. The real love of your child is measured by the extent to
which he will sacrifice his own comfort and pleasure to serve you_.
LESSON XVI
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. Why has the delicate sentiment of love such a power in shaping the lives
of men?
2. What may be said of selfishness?
3. How may the desire for praise be expressed?
4. Contrast physical and spiritual love.
5. How may love help to develop a strong will?
6. How must the child be taught obedience?
7. Illustrate how loving service may be secured.
8. How may the real love of the child for the parent be measured?
MORAL TRAINING
_There Is No Escape from Wrong-Doing. Mercy Cannot Rob Justice_
"Somehow I'll escape," is the fatal thought which blinds the poor fool who,
for the first time, treads the path of self-indulgence or wrong-doing. But
he ought to know that escape is impossible. No cave is dark enough, no
ocean deep enough to hide the transgressor from the consequences of his
misdeeds. A kind heaven may forgive him, and the one he injures may
overlook the offence; but his own body and mind cannot forget; they have
registered the deed once for all and it can never be atoned for or
forgotten. The doing of a bad deed changes the individual in some
particular, slight or great as the case may be, and, pathetic though it
seems, he cannot go back and try it over again; the scar remains, as if
seared by a hot iron, and, if the hurt is serious enough, heredity may pass
it down the ages.
How easily a bad habit is formed. "It won't hurt me" is whispered by the
siren voice of temptation, because the consequences of the transgression
are not felt or seen immediately, a second offence seems less serious than
the first. Soon habit steps in and stamps the process on mind and body and
before the author is conscious of it, a serious appetite or a degrading
vice is fastened upon him from which neither time nor effort, prayers nor
tears, may ever shake him free.
"_Vice is a monster of such frightful mien,
That to be hated needs but to be seen,
But seen too oft, familiar with its face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace_."
--Pope.
The child must be trained early to know: "The way of the transgressor is
hard," and "He that sows the wind must reap the whirlwind." It is a great
mistake for the parent to step in and free the child from the consequences
of his first wrong acts. Let the consequences fall on his own head, and
perchance they will teach him wisdom. The true purpose of punishment is to
teach the necessity of obedience to law. Everything that is good and
desirable will come to him who obeys the law upon which the blessing is
predicated; every evil falls on the head of him who constantly violates
law. In the final analysis, the punishments which nature inflicts are kind,
because they are warnings which, if heeded, will prevent serious injury.
The purpose of all discipline is to produce a self-governing individual,
not one who needs to be governed by someone else. Until a person learns to
govern himself he counts for little in this world.
Two serious mistakes are made in child government. One is the indulgence of
a soft, vacillating policy by the parent which permits a child to shirk his
duties and to escape from the natural results of his misdeeds. Through the
parent's taking upon his own shoulders the consequences of the child's
wrong-doing, the child is lured into the false belief that duty may be
shirked, responsibility set aside, and life be made to yield one sweet
round of pleasure. How will a child so trained be prepared to endure the
disappointments and heartaches of a world which compels each of us to
drink his portion of the bitter hemlock?
The other mistake is to employ unnatural or arbitrary punishments. Even the
smallest child has an instinctive idea of justice and resents anything
which he regards as unjust. On the other hand, he learns quickly the
inevitableness with which pain follows the violation of law, and how
certain is the working out of cause and effect.
Mrs. Harrison gives this admirable illustration: "The little one puts his
hand upon the hot stove; no whirlwind from without rushes in and pushes the
hand away from the stove, then with loud and vengeful blasts scolds him
for his heedlessness or wrong-doing. He simply is burned--the natural
consequences of his own deed; and the fire quietly glows on, regardless of
the pain which he is suffering. If again he transgresses the law, again he
is burned as quietly as before, with no expostulation, threat, or warning.
He quickly learns the lesson and avoids the fire thereafter, bearing no
grudge against it."
When the child scatters her toys and playthings all over the room, the
natural penalty is to require that they be gathered up and the room made
tidy; when the boy scampers across the newly-cleaned floor with his muddy
boots, he should be made to mop up the floor carefully; thus in a thousand
similar ways, the parent may train the child to observe care and order in
everything done.
Nothing is more beautiful than a large family where each child is taught to
care for and to rely upon himself, and to give a little willing service to
others. But the tired mother will remark, "Oh, yes, that all sounds very
nice, but mothers have no time to spare to eternally watch and train their
children." Hold a moment, there is a fallacy here; she ought to say, "I
have no time to spare because I failed to train the children in the manner
mentioned." In no other way can the mother save so much time as by taking a
little time at first to train the child to be neat, tidy and orderly, or
later to feel the inevitable consequences of violating law.
Instead of saving time in this sensible way, too often the mother loses
both time and the love of her child through becoming irritable and scolding
the little one for every offence committed. Nothing is worse than scolding,
a sound thrashing administered now and then is far less cruel. Nearly every
evil instinct in the child is aroused through fault-finding and scolding.
How long will it take to teach the parent, once for all, that scolding,
nagging, shutting up in the dark closets, and every other form of arbitrary
punishment arouse in the child a sense of injustice and resentment, which,
if not corrected later, will result in estrangement and loss of love
between parent and child? The child has a right to expect justice from his
parent. Only where this is found will the child develop that sense of
freedom and independence of thought and action which produce the highest
type of individual--one who is able to govern himself.
"But what shall be done when more serious offences are committed?" The
parent may well ask. In all likelihood there will be no serious offences if
the slight ones are treated properly. A mother came to me with her face
full of suppressed suffering. "What shall I do?" she remarked, "I have
discovered that my boy steals money from his father's purse." "Give him a
purse of his own," I answered, "and give him ways of earning money of his
own." It is asserted that more than half the boys sent to reform schools go
there because of theft. How many of them might have been saved if they had
been taught how to earn and to know the value of an honest dollar?