The Book of Household Management - Mrs. Isabella Beeton

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35. DINNER BEING ANNOUNCED, the host offers his arm to, and places on
his right hand at the dinner-table, the lady to whom he desires to pay
most respect, either on account of her age, position, or from her being
the greatest stranger in the party. If this lady be married and her
husband present, the latter takes the hostess to her place at table, and
seats himself at her right hand. The rest of the company follow in
couples, as specified by the master and mistress of the house, arranging
the party according to their rank and other circumstances which may be
known to the host and hostess.

It will be found of great assistance to the placing of a party
at the dinner-table, to have the names of the guests neatly (and
correctly) written on small cards, and placed at that part of
the table where it is desired they should sit. With respect to
the number of guests, it has often been said, that a private
dinner-party should consist of not less than the number of the
Graces, or more than that of the Muses. A party of ten or twelve
is, perhaps, in a general way, sufficient to enjoy themselves
and be enjoyed. White kid gloves are worn by ladies at
dinner-parties, but should be taken off before the business of
dining commences.

36. THE GUESTS BEING SEATED AT THE DINNER-TABLE, the lady begins to help
the soup, which is handed round, commencing with the gentleman on her
right and on her left, and continuing in the same order till all are
served. It is generally established as a rule, not to ask for soup or
fish twice, as, in so doing, part of the company may be kept waiting too
long for the second course, when, perhaps, a little revenge is taken by
looking at the awkward consumer of a second portion. This rule, however,
may, under various circumstances, not be considered as binding.

It is not usual, where taking wine is _en regle_, for a
gentleman to ask a lady to take wine until the fish or soup is
finished, and then the gentleman honoured by sitting on the
right of the hostess, may politely inquire if she will do him
the honour of taking wine with him. This will act as a signal to
the rest of the company, the gentleman of the house most
probably requesting the same pleasure of the ladies at his right
and left. At many tables, however, the custom or fashion of
drinking wine in this manner, is abolished, and the servant
fills the glasses of the guests with the various wines suited to
the course which is in progress.

37. WHEN DINNER IS FINISHED, THE DESSERT is placed on the table,
accompanied with finger-glasses. It is the custom of some gentlemen to
wet a corner of the napkin; but the hostess, whose behaviour will set
the tone to all the ladies present, will merely wet the tips of her
fingers, which will serve all the purposes required. The French and
other continentals have a habit of gargling the mouth; but it is a
custom which no English gentlewoman should, in the slightest degree,
imitate.

38. WHEN FRUIT HAS BEEN TAKEN, and a glass or two of wine passed round,
the time will have arrived when the hostess will rise, and thus give the
signal for the ladies to leave the gentlemen, and retire to the
drawing-room. The gentlemen of the party will rise at the same time, and
he who is nearest the door, will open it for the ladies, all remaining
courteously standing until the last lady has withdrawn. Dr. Johnson has
a curious paragraph on the effects of a dinner on men. "Before dinner,"
he says, "men meet with great inequality of understanding; and those who
are conscious of their inferiority have the modesty not to talk. When
they have drunk wine, every man feels himself happy, and loses that
modesty, and grows impudent and vociferous; but he is not improved, he
is only not sensible of his defects." This is rather severe, but there
may be truth in it.

In former times, when the bottle circulated freely amongst the
guests, it was necessary for the ladies to retire earlier than
they do at present, for the gentlemen of the company soon became
unfit to conduct themselves with that decorum which is essential
in the presence of ladies. Thanks, however, to the improvements
in modern society, and the high example shown to the nation by
its most illustrious personages, temperance is, in these happy
days, a striking feature in the character of a gentleman.
Delicacy of conduct towards the female sex has increased with
the esteem in which they are now universally held, and thus, the
very early withdrawing of the ladies from the dining-room is to
be deprecated. A lull in the conversation will seasonably
indicate the moment for the ladies' departure.

39. AFTER-DINNER INVITATIONS MAY BE GIVEN; by which we wish to be
understood, invitations for the evening. The time of the arrival of
these visitors will vary according to their engagements, or sometimes
will be varied in obedience to the caprices of fashion. Guests invited
for the evening are, however, generally considered at liberty to arrive
whenever it will best suit themselves,--usually between nine and twelve,
unless earlier hours are specifically named. By this arrangement, many
fashionable people and others, who have numerous engagements to fulfil,
often contrive to make their appearance at two or three parties in the
course of one evening.

40. THE ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-PARTY TABLE being disposed of, let us
now enter slightly into that of an evening party or ball. The
invitations issued and accepted for either of these, will be written in
the same style as those already described for a dinner-party. They
should be sent out _at least_ three weeks before the day fixed for the
event, and should be replied to within a week of their receipt. By
attending to these courtesies, the guests will have time to consider
their engagements and prepare their dresses, and the hostess will, also,
know what will be the number of her party.

If the entertainment is to be simply an evening party, this must
be specified on the card or note of invitation. Short or verbal
invitations, except where persons are exceedingly intimate, or
are very near relations, are very far from proper, although, of
course, in this respect and in many other respects, very much
always depends on the manner in which the invitation is given.
True politeness, however, should be studied even amongst the
nearest friends and relations; for the mechanical forms of good
breeding are of great consequence, and too much familiarity may
have, for its effect, the destruction of friendship.

41. AS THE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ARRIVE, each should be shown to a room
exclusively provided for their reception; and in that set apart for the
ladies, attendants should be in waiting to assist in uncloaking, and
helping to arrange the hair and toilet of those who require it. It will
be found convenient, in those cases where the number of guests is large,
to provide numbered tickets, so that they can be attached to the cloaks
and shawls of each lady, a duplicate of which should be handed to the
guest. Coffee is sometimes provided in this, or an ante-room, for those
who would like to partake of it.

42. AS THE VISITORS ARE ANNOUNCED BY THE SERVANT, it is not necessary
for the lady of the house to advance each time towards the door, but
merely to rise from her seat to receive their courtesies and
congratulations. If, indeed, the hostess wishes to show particular
favour to some peculiarly honoured guests, she may introduce them to
others, whose acquaintance she may imagine will be especially suitable
and agreeable. It is very often the practice of the master of the house
to introduce one gentleman to another, but occasionally the lady
performs this office; when it will, of course, be polite for the persons
thus introduced to take their seats together for the time being.

The custom of non-introduction is very much in vogue in many
houses, and guests are thus left to discover for themselves the
position and qualities of the people around them. The servant,
indeed, calls out the names of all the visitors as they arrive,
but, in many instances, mispronounces them; so that it will not
be well to follow this information, as if it were an unerring
guide. In our opinion, it is a cheerless and depressing custom,
although, in thus speaking, we do not allude to the large
assemblies of the aristocracy, but to the smaller parties of the
middle classes.

43. A SEPARATE ROOM OR CONVENIENT BUFFET should be appropriated for
refreshments, and to which the dancers may retire; and cakes and
biscuits, with wine negus, lemonade, and ices, handed round. A supper is
also mostly provided at the private parties of the middle classes; and
this requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of attention and
supervision. It usually takes place between the first and second parts
of the programme of the dances, of which there should be several
prettily written or printed copies distributed about the ball-room.

_In private parties_, a lady is not to refuse the invitation of
a gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. The
hostess must he supposed to have asked to her house only those
persons whom she knows to be perfectly respectable and of
unblemished character, as well as pretty equal in position; and
thus, to decline the offer of any gentleman present, would be a
tacit reflection on the master and mistress of the house. It may
be mentioned here, more especially for the young who will read
this book, that introductions at balls or evening parties, cease
with the occasion that calls them forth, no introduction, at
these times, giving a gentleman a right to address, afterwards,
a lady. She is, consequently, free, next morning, to pass her
partner at a ball of the previous evening without the slightest
recognition.

44. THE BALL IS GENERALLY OPENED, that is, the first place in the first
quadrille is occupied, by the lady of the house. When anything prevents
this, the host will usually lead off the dance with the lady who is
either the highest in rank, or the greatest stranger. It will be well
for the hostess, even if she be very partial to the amusement, and a
graceful dancer, not to participate in it to any great extent, lest her
lady guests should have occasion to complain of her monopoly of the
gentlemen, and other causes of neglect. A few dances will suffice to
show her interest in the entertainment, without unduly trenching on the
attention due to her guests. In all its parts a ball should be
perfect,--

"The music, and the banquet, and the wine;
The garlands, the rose-odours, and the flowers."

The hostess or host, during the progress of a ball, will
courteously accost and chat with their friends, and take care
that the ladies are furnished with seats, and that those who
wish to dance are provided with partners. A gentle hint from the
hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike manner, that certain
ladies have remained unengaged during several dances, is sure
not to be neglected by any gentleman. Thus will be studied the
comfort and enjoyment of the guests, and no lady, in leaving the
house, will be able to feel the chagrin and disappointment of
not having been invited to "stand up" in a dance during the
whole of the evening.

45. WHEN ANY OF THE CARRIAGES OF THE GUESTS ARE ANNOUNCED, or the time
for their departure arrived, they should make a slight intimation to the
hostess, without, however, exciting any observation, that they are about
to depart. If this cannot be done, however, without creating too much
bustle, it will be better for the visitors to retire quietly without
taking their leave. During the course of the week, the hostess will
expect to receive from every guest a call, where it is possible, or
cards expressing the gratification experienced from her entertainment.
This attention is due to every lady for the pains and trouble she has
been at, and tends to promote social, kindly feelings.

46. HAVING THUS DISCOURSED of parties of pleasure, it will be an
interesting change to return to the more domestic business of the house,
although all the details we have been giving of dinner-parties, balls,
and the like, appertain to the department of the mistress. Without a
knowledge of the etiquette to be observed on these occasions, a mistress
would be unable to enjoy and appreciate those friendly pleasant meetings
which give, as it were, a fillip to life, and make the quiet happy home
of an English gentlewoman appear the more delightful and enjoyable. In
their proper places, all that is necessary to be known respecting the
dishes and appearance of the breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper tables,
will be set forth in this work.

47. A FAMILY DINNER AT HOME, compared with either giving or going to a
dinner-party, is, of course, of much more frequent occurrence, and many
will say, of much greater importance. Both, however, have to be
considered with a view to their nicety and enjoyment; and the latter
more particularly with reference to economy. These points will be
especially noted in the following pages on "Household Cookery." Here we
will only say, that for both mistress and servants, as well in large as
small households, it will be found, by far, the better plan, to cook and
serve the dinner, and to lay the tablecloth and the sideboard, with the
same cleanliness, neatness, and scrupulous exactness, whether it be for
the mistress herself alone, a small family, or for "company." If this
rule be strictly adhered to, all will find themselves increase in
managing skill; whilst a knowledge of their daily duties will become
familiar, and enable them to meet difficult occasions with ease, and
overcome any amount of obstacles.

48. OF THE MANNER OF PASSING EVENINGS AT HOME, there is none pleasanter
than in such recreative enjoyments as those which relax the mind from
its severer duties, whilst they stimulate it with a gentle delight.
Where there are young people forming a part of the evening circle,
interesting and agreeable pastime should especially be promoted. It is
of incalculable benefit to them that their homes should possess all the
attractions of healthful amusement, comfort, and happiness; for if they
do not find pleasure there, they will seek it elsewhere. It ought,
therefore, to enter into the domestic policy of every parent, to make
her children feel that home is the happiest place in the world; that to
imbue them with this delicious home-feeling is one of the choicest gifts
a parent can bestow.

Light or fancy needlework often forms a portion of the evening's
recreation for the ladies of the household, and this may be
varied by an occasional game at chess or backgammon. It has
often been remarked, too, that nothing is more delightful to the
feminine members of a family, than the reading aloud of some
good standard work or amusing publication. A knowledge of polite
literature may be thus obtained by the whole family, especially
if the reader is able and willing to explain the more difficult
passages of the book, and expatiate on the wisdom and beauties
it may contain. This plan, in a great measure, realizes the
advice of Lord Bacon, who says, "Read not to contradict and
refute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk
and discourse, but to weigh and consider."

49. IN RETIRING FOR THE NIGHT, it is well to remember that early rising
is almost impossible, if late going to bed be the order, or rather
disorder, of the house. The younger members of a family should go early
and at regular hours to their beds, and the domestics as soon as
possible after a reasonably appointed hour. Either the master or the
mistress of a house should, after all have gone to their separate rooms,
see that all is right with respect to the lights and fires below; and no
servants should, on any account, be allowed to remain up after the heads
of the house have retired.

50. HAVING THUS GONE FROM EARLY RISING TO EARLY RETIRING, there remain
only now to be considered a few special positions respecting which the
mistress of the house will be glad to receive some specific information.

51. WHEN A MISTRESS TAKES A HOUSE in a new locality, it will be
etiquette for her to wait until the older inhabitants of the
neighbourhood call upon her; thus evincing a desire, on their part, to
become acquainted with the new comer. It may be, that the mistress will
desire an intimate acquaintance with but few of her neighbours; but it
is to be specially borne in mind that all visits, whether of ceremony,
friendship, or condolence, should be punctiliously returned.

52. YOU MAY PERHAPS HAVE BEEN FAVOURED with letters of introduction from
some of your friends, to persons living in the neighbourhood to which
you have just come. In this case inclose the letter of introduction in
an envelope with your card. Then, if the person, to whom it is
addressed, calls in the course of a few days, the visit should be
returned by you within the week, if possible. Any breach of etiquette,
in this respect, will not readily be excused.

In the event of your being invited to dinner under the above
circumstances, nothing but necessity should prevent you from
accepting the invitation. If, however, there is some distinct
reason why you cannot accept, let it be stated frankly and
plainly, for politeness and truthfulness should be ever allied.
An opportunity should, also, be taken to call in the course of a
day or two, in order to politely express your regret and
disappointment at not having been able to avail yourself of
their kindness.

53. IN GIVING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION, it should always be handed to
your friend, unsealed. Courtesy dictates this, as the person whom you
are introducing would, perhaps, wish to know in what manner he or she
was spoken of. Should you _receive_ a letter from a friend, introducing
to you any person known to and esteemed by the writer, the letter should
be immediately acknowledged, and your willingness expressed to do all in
your power to carry out his or her wishes.

54. SUCH ARE THE ONEROUS DUTIES which enter into the position of the
mistress of a house, and such are, happily, with a slight but continued
attention, of by no means difficult performance. She ought always to
remember that she is the first and the last, the Alpha and the Omega in
the government of her establishment; and that it is by her conduct that
its whole internal policy is regulated. She is, therefore, a person of
far more importance in a community than she usually thinks she is. On
her pattern her daughters model themselves; by her counsels they are
directed; through her virtues all are honoured;--"her children rise up
and call her blessed; her husband, also, and he praiseth her."
Therefore, let each mistress always remember her responsible position,
never approving a mean action, nor speaking an unrefined word. Let her
conduct be such that her inferiors may respect her, and such as an
honourable and right-minded man may look for in his wife and the mother
of his children. Let her think of the many compliments and the sincere
homage that have been paid to her sex by the greatest philosophers and
writers, both in ancient and modern times. Let her not forget that she
has to show herself worthy of Campbell's compliment when he said,--

"The world was sad! the garden was a wild!
And man the hermit sigh'd, till _woman_ smiled."

Let her prove herself, then, the happy companion of man, and able to
take unto herself the praises of the pious prelate, Jeremy Taylor, who
says,--"A good wife is Heaven's last best gift to man,--his angel and
minister of graces innumerable,--his gem of many virtues,--his casket of
jewels--her voice is sweet music--her smiles his brightest day;--her
kiss, the guardian of his innocence;--her arms, the pale of his safety,
the balm of his health, the balsam of his life;--her industry, his
surest wealth;--her economy, his safest steward;--her lips, his faithful
counsellors;--her bosom, the softest pillow of his cares; and her
prayers, the ablest advocates of Heaven's blessings on his head."

Cherishing, then, in her breast the respected utterances of the good and
the great, let the mistress of every house rise to the responsibility of
its management; so that, in doing her duty to all around her, she may
receive the genuine reward of respect, love, and affection!

_Note_.--Many mistresses have experienced the horrors of house-hunting,
and it is well known that "three removes are as good (or bad, rather) as
a fire." Nevertheless, it being quite evident that we must, in these
days at least, live in houses, and are sometimes obliged to change our
residences, it is well to consider some of the conditions which will add
to, or diminish, the convenience and comfort of our homes.

Although the choice of a house must be dependent on so many different
circumstances with different people, that to give any specific
directions on this head would be impossible and useless; yet it will be
advantageous, perhaps, to many, if we point out some of those general
features as to locality, soil, aspect, &c., to which the attention of
all house-takers should be carefully directed.

Regarding the locality, we may say, speaking now more particularly of a
town house, that it is very important to the health and comfort of a
family, that the neighbourhood of all factories of any kind, producing
unwholesome effluvia or smells, should be strictly avoided. Neither is
it well to take a house in the immediate vicinity of where a noisy trade
is carried on, as it is unpleasant to the feelings, and tends to
increase any existing irritation of the system.

Referring to soils; it is held as a rule, that a gravel soil is superior
to any other, as the rain drains through it very quickly, and it is
consequently drier and less damp than clay, upon which water rests a far
longer time. A clay country, too, is not so pleasant for walking
exercise as one in which gravel predominates.

The aspect of the house should be well considered, and it should be
borne in mind that the more sunlight that comes into the house, the
healthier is the habitation. The close, fetid smell which assails one on
entering a narrow court, or street, in towns, is to be assigned to the
want of light, and, consequently, air. A house with a south or
south-west aspect, is lighter, warmer, drier, and consequently more
healthy, than one facing the north or north-east.

Great advances have been made, during the last few years, in the
principles of sanitary knowledge, and one most essential point to be
observed in reference to a house, is its "drainage," as it has been
proved in an endless number of cases, that bad or defective drainage is
as certain to destroy health as the taking of poisons. This arises from
its injuriously affecting the atmosphere; thus rendering the air we
breathe unwholesome and deleterious. Let it be borne in mind, then, that
unless a house is effectually drained, the health of its inhabitants is
sure to suffer; and they will be susceptible of ague, rheumatism,
diarrhoea, fevers, and cholera.

We now come to an all-important point,--that of the water supply. The
value of this necessary article has also been lately more and more
recognized in connection with the question of health and life; and most
houses are well supplied with every convenience connected with water.
Let it, however, be well understood, that no house, however suitable in
other respects, can be desirable, if this grand means of health and
comfort is, in the slightest degree, scarce or impure. No caution can be
too great to see that it is pure and good, as well as plentiful; for,
knowing, as we do, that not a single part of our daily food is prepared
without it, the importance of its influence on the health of the inmates
of a house cannot be over-rated.

Ventilation is another feature which must not be overlooked. In a
general way, enough of air is admitted by the cracks round the doors and
windows; but if this be not the case, the chimney will smoke; and other
plans, such as the placing of a plate of finely-perforated zinc in the
upper part of the window, must be used. Cold air should never be
admitted under the doors, or at the bottom of a room, unless it be close
to the fire or stove; for it will flow along the floor towards the
fireplace, and thus leave the foul air in the upper part of the room,
unpurified, cooling, at the same time, unpleasantly and injuriously, the
feet and legs of the inmates.

The rent of a house, it has been said, should not exceed one-eighth of
the whole income of its occupier; and, as a general rule, we are
disposed to assent to this estimate, although there may be many
circumstances which would not admit of its being considered infallible.