Mike and Psmith - P. G. Wodehouse
MIKE AND PSMITH
By P.G. WODEHOUSE
MEREDITH PRESS / NEW YORK
Copyright 1909 by A. & C. Black
CONTENTS
CHAPTER
1. MR. JACKSON MAKES UP HIS MIND
2. SEDLEIGH
3. PSMITH
4. STAKING OUT A CLAIM
5. GUERRILLA WARFARE
6. UNPLEASANTNESS IN THE SMALL HOURS
7. ADAIR
8. MIKE FINDS OCCUPATION
9. THE FIRE BRIGADE MEETING
10. ACHILLES LEAVES HIS TENT
11. THE MATCH WITH DOWNING'S
12. THE SINGULAR BEHAVIOR OF JELLICOE
13. JELLICOE GOES ON THE SICK LIST
14. MIKE RECEIVES A COMMISSION
15. ... AND FULFILLS IT
16. PURSUIT
17. THE DECORATION OF SAMMY
18. MR. DOWNING ON THE SCENT
19. THE SLEUTH-HOUND
20. A CHECK
21. THE DESTROYER OF EVIDENCE
22. MAINLY ABOUT SHOES
23. ON THE TRAIL AGAIN
24. THE ADAIR METHOD
25. ADAIR HAS A WORD WITH MIKE
26. CLEARING THE AIR
27. IN WHICH PEACE IS DECLARED
28. MR. DOWNING MOVES
29. THE ARTIST CLAIMS HIS WORK
30. SEDLEIGH V. WRYKYN
PREFACE
In Evelyn Waugh's book _Decline and Fall_ his hero, applying for a post
as a schoolmaster, is told by the agent, "We class schools in four
grades--leading school, first-rate school, good school, and school."
Sedleigh in Mike and Psmith would, I suppose, come into the last-named
class, though not quite as low in it as Mr. Waugh's Llanabba. It is one
of those small English schools with aspirations one day to be able to
put the word "public" before their name and to have their headmaster
qualified to attend the annual Headmaster's Conference. All it needs is
a few more Adairs to get things going. And there is this to be noted,
that even at a "school" one gets an excellent education. Its only
drawback is that it does not play the leading schools or the first-rate
schools or even the good schools at cricket. But to Mike, fresh from
Wrykyn (a "first-rate school") and Psmith, coming from Eton (a "leading
school") Sedleigh naturally seemed something of a comedown. It took Mike
some time to adjust himself to it, though Psmith, the philosopher,
accepted the change of conditions with his customary equanimity.
This was the first appearance of Psmith. He came into two other books,
_Psmith in the City_ and _Psmith, Journalist_, before becoming happily
married in _Leave It to Psmith_, but I have always thought that he was
most at home in this story of English school life. To give full play to
his bland clashings with Authority he needs to have authority to clash
with, and there is none more absolute than that of the masters at an
English school.
Psmith has the distinction of being the only one of my numerous
characters to be drawn from a living model. A cousin of mine was at Eton
with the son of D'Oyly Carte, the man who produced the Gilbert and
Sullivan operettas, and one night he told me about this peculiar
schoolboy who dressed fastidiously and wore a monocle and who, when one
of the masters inquired after his health, replied "Sir, I grow thinnah
and thinnah." It was all the information I required in order to start
building him in a star part.
If anyone is curious as to what became of Mike and Psmith in later life,
I can supply the facts. Mike, always devoted to country life, ran a
prosperous farm. Psmith, inevitably perhaps, became an equally
prosperous counselor at the bar like Perry Mason, specializing, like
Perry, in appearing for the defense.
I must apologize, as I did in the preface to _Mike at Wrykyn,_ for all
the cricket in this book. It was unavoidable. There is, however, not
quite so much of it this time.
P.G. Wodehouse.
1
MR. JACKSON MAKES UP HIS MIND
If Mike had been in time for breakfast that fatal Easter morning he
might have gathered from the expression on his father's face, as Mr.
Jackson opened the envelope containing his school report and read the
contents, that the document in question was not exactly a paean of
praise from beginning to end. But he was late, as usual. Mike always was
late for breakfast in the holidays.
When he came down on this particular morning, the meal was nearly over.
Mr. Jackson had disappeared, taking his correspondence with him; Mrs.
Jackson had gone into the kitchen, and when Mike appeared the thing had
resolved itself into a mere vulgar brawl between Phyllis and Ella for
the jam, while Marjory, recently affecting a grown-up air, looked on in
a detached sort of way, as if these juvenile gambols distressed her.
"Hello, Mike," she said, jumping up as he entered, "here you are--I've
been keeping everything hot for you."
"Have you? Thanks awfully. I say ..." His eye wandered in mild surprise
round the table. "I'm a bit late."
Marjory was bustling about, fetching and carrying for Mike, as she
always did. She had adopted him at an early age, and did the thing
thoroughly. She was fond of her other brothers, especially when they
made centuries in first-class cricket, but Mike was her favorite. She
would field out in the deep as a natural thing when Mike was batting at
the net in the paddock, though for the others, even for Joe, who had
played in all five Test Matches in the previous summer, she would do it
only as a favor.
Phyllis and Ella finished their dispute and went out. Marjory sat on the
table and watched Mike eat.
"Your report came this morning, Mike," she said.
The kidneys failed to retain Mike's undivided attention. He looked up
interested. "What did it say?"
"I didn't see--I only caught sight of the Wrykyn crest on the envelope.
Father didn't say anything."
Mike seemed concerned. "I say, that looks rather rotten! I wonder if it
was awfully bad. It's the first I've had from Appleby."
"It can't be any worse than the horrid ones Mr. Blake used to write when
you were in his form."
"No, that's a comfort," said Mike philosophically. "Think there's any
more tea in that pot?"
"I call it a shame," said Marjory; "they ought to be jolly glad to have
you at Wrykyn just for cricket, instead of writing beastly reports that
make father angry and don't do any good to anybody."
"Last Christmas he said he'd take me away if I got another one."
"He didn't mean it really, I _know_ he didn't! He couldn't! You're the
best bat Wrykyn's ever had."
"What ho!" interpolated Mike.
"You _are_. Everybody says you are. Why, you got your first the very
first term you were there--even Joe didn't do anything nearly so good as
that. Saunders says you're simply bound to play for England in another
year or two."
"Saunders is a jolly good chap. He bowled me a half volley on the off
the first ball I had in a school match. By the way, I wonder if he's out
at the net now. Let's go and see."
Saunders the professional was setting up the net when they arrived. Mike
put on his pads and went to the wicket, while Marjory and the dogs
retired as usual to the far hedge to retrieve.
She was kept busy. Saunders was a good sound bowler of the M.C.C. minor
match type, and there had been a time when he had worried Mike
considerably, but Mike had been in the Wrykyn team for three seasons
now, and each season he had advanced tremendously in his batting. He had
filled out in three years. He had always had the style, and now he had
the strength as well, Saunder's bowling on a true wicket seemed simple
to him. It was early in the Easter holidays, but already he was
beginning to find his form. Saunders, who looked on Mike as his own
special invention, was delighted.
"If you don't be worried by being too anxious now that you're captain,
Master Mike," he said, "you'll make a century every match next term."
"I wish I wasn't; it's a beastly responsibility."
Henfrey, the Wrykyn cricket captain of the previous season, was not
returning next term, and Mike was to reign in his stead. He liked the
prospect, but it certainly carried with it a rather awe-inspiring
responsibility. At night sometimes he would lie awake, appalled by the
fear of losing his form, or making a hash of things by choosing the
wrong men to play for the school and leaving the right men out. It is no
light thing to captain a public school at cricket.
As he was walking toward the house, Phyllis met him. "Oh, I've been
hunting for you, Mike; Father wants you."
"What for?"
"I don't know."
"Where?"
"He's in the study. He seems ..." added Phyllis, throwing in the
information by a way of a makeweight, "in a beastly temper."
Mike's jaw fell slightly. "I hope the dickens it's nothing to do with
that bally report," was his muttered exclamation.
Mike's dealings with his father were as a rule of a most pleasant
nature. Mr. Jackson was an understanding sort of man, who treated his
sons as companions. From time to time, however, breezes were apt to
ruffle the placid sea of good fellowship. Mike's end-of-term report was
an unfailing wind raiser; indeed, on the arrival of Mr. Blake's
sarcastic resume of Mike's shortcomings at the end of the previous term,
there had been something not unlike a typhoon. It was on this occasion
that Mr. Jackson had solemnly declared his intention of removing Mike
from Wrykyn unless the critics became more flattering; and Mr. Jackson
was a man of his word.
It was with a certain amount of apprehension, therefore, that Jackson
entered the study.
"Come in, Mike," said his father, kicking the waste-paper basket; "I
want to speak to you."
Mike, skilled in omens, scented a row in the offing. Only in moments of
emotion was Mr. Jackson in the habit of booting the basket.
There followed an awkward silence, which Mike broke by remarking that he
had carted a half volley from Saunders over the on-side hedge
that morning.
"It was just a bit short and off the leg stump, so I stepped out--may I
bag the paper knife for a jiffy? I'll just show--"
"Never mind about cricket now," said Mr. Jackson; "I want you to listen
to this report."
"Oh, is that my report, Father?" said Mike, with a sort of sickly
interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his tub.
"It is," replied Mr. Jackson in measured tones, "your report; what is
more, it is without exception the worst report you have ever had."
"Oh, I say!" groaned the record-breaker.
"'His conduct,'" quoted Mr. Jackson, "'has been unsatisfactory in the
extreme, both in and out of school.'"
"It wasn't anything really. I only happened--"
Remembering suddenly that what he had happened to do was to drop a
cannonball (the school weight) on the form-room floor, not once, but on
several occasions, he paused.
"'French bad; conduct disgraceful--'"
"Everybody rags in French."
"'Mathematics bad. Inattentive and idle.'"
"Nobody does much work in Math."
"'Latin poor. Greek, very poor.'"
"We were doing Thucydides, Book Two, last term--all speeches and
doubtful readings, and cruxes and things--beastly hard! Everybody
says so."
"Here are Mr. Appleby's remarks: 'The boy has genuine ability, which he
declines to use in the smallest degree.'"
Mike moaned a moan of righteous indignation.
"'An abnormal proficiency at games has apparently destroyed all desire
in him to realize the more serious issues of life.' There is more to the
same effect."
Mr. Appleby was a master with very definite ideas as to what constituted
a public-school master's duties. As a man he was distinctly pro-Mike. He
understood cricket, and some of Mike's strokes on the off gave him
thrills of pure aesthetic joy; but as a master he always made it his
habit to regard the manners and customs of the boys in his form with an
unbiased eye, and to an unbiased eye Mike in a form room was about as
near the extreme edge as a boy could be, and Mr. Appleby said as much in
a clear firm hand.
"You remember what I said to you about your report at Christmas, Mike?"
said Mr. Jackson, folding the lethal document and replacing it in
its envelope.
Mike said nothing; there was a sinking feeling in his interior.
"I shall abide by what I said."
Mike's heart thumped.
"You will not go back to Wrykyn next term."
Somewhere in the world the sun was shining, birds were twittering;
somewhere in the world lambkins frisked and peasants sang blithely at
their toil (flat, perhaps, but still blithely), but to Mike at that
moment the sky was black, and an icy wind blew over the face of
the earth.
The tragedy had happened, and there was an end of it. He made no attempt
to appeal against the sentence. He knew it would be useless, his father,
when he made up his mind, having all the unbending tenacity of the
normally easygoing man.
Mr. Jackson was sorry for Mike. He understood him, and for that reason
he said very little now.
"I am sending you to Sedleigh," was his next remark.
Sedleigh! Mike sat up with a jerk. He knew Sedleigh by name--one of
those schools with about a hundred boys which you never hear of except
when they send up their gym team to Aldershot, or their Eight to Bisley.
Mike's outlook on life was that of a cricketer, pure and simple. What
had Sedleigh ever done? What were they ever likely to do? Whom did they
play? What Old Sedleighan had ever done anything at cricket? Perhaps
they didn't even _play_ cricket!
"But it's an awful hole," he said blankly.
Mr. Jackson could read Mike's mind like a book. Mike's point of view was
plain to him. He did not approve of it, but he knew that in Mike's place
and at Mike's age he would have felt the same. He spoke dryly to hide
his sympathy.
"It is not a large school," he said, "and I don't suppose it could play
Wrykyn at cricket, but it has one merit--boys work there. Young Barlitt
won a Balliol scholarship from Sedleigh last year." Barlitt was the
vicar's son, a silent, spectacled youth who did not enter very largely
into Mike's world. They had met occasionally at tennis parties, but not
much conversation had ensued. Barlitt's mind was massive, but his topics
of conversation were not Mike's.
"Mr. Barlitt speaks very highly of Sedleigh," added Mr. Jackson.
Mike said nothing, which was a good deal better than saying what he
would have liked to have said.
2
SEDLEIGH
The train, which had been stopping everywhere for the last half hour,
pulled up again, and Mike, seeing the name of the station, got up,
opened the door, and hurled a bag out on to the platform in an emphatic
and vindictive manner. Then he got out himself and looked about him.
"For the school, sir?" inquired the solitary porter, bustling up, as if
he hoped by sheer energy to deceive the traveler into thinking that
Sedleigh station was staffed by a great army of porters.
Mike nodded. A somber nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody
had met him in 1812, and said, "So you're back from Moscow, eh?" Mike
was feeling thoroughly jaundiced. The future seemed wholly gloomy. And,
so far from attempting to make the best of things, he had set himself
deliberately to look on the dark side. He thought, for instance, that he
had never seen a more repulsive porter, or one more obviously
incompetent than the man who had attached himself with a firm grasp to
the handle of the bag as he strode off in the direction of the luggage
van. He disliked his voice, his appearance, and the color of his hair.
Also the boots he wore. He hated the station, and the man who took
his ticket.
"Young gents at the school, sir," said the porter, perceiving from
Mike's _distrait_ air that the boy was a stranger to the place, "goes up
in the bus mostly. It's waiting here, sir. Hi, George!"
"I'll walk, thanks," said Mike frigidly.
"It's a goodish step, sir."
"Here you are."
"Thank you, sir. I'll send up your luggage by the bus, sir. Which 'ouse
was it you was going to?"
"Outwood's."
"Right, sir. It's straight on up this road to the school. You can't miss
it, sir."
"Worse luck," said Mike.
He walked off up the road, sorrier for himself than ever. It was such
absolutely rotten luck. About now, instead of being on his way to a
place where they probably ran a Halma team instead of a cricket eleven,
and played hunt-the-slipper in winter, he would be on the point of
arriving at Wrykyn. And as captain of cricket, at that. Which was the
bitter part of it. He had never been in command. For the last two
seasons he had been the star man, going in first, and heading the
averages easily at the end of the season; and the three captains under
whom he had played during his career as a Wrykynian, Burgess, Enderby,
and Henfrey, had always been sportsmen to him. But it was not the same
thing. He had meant to do such a lot for Wrykyn cricket this term. He
had had an entirely new system of coaching in his mind. Now it might
never be used. He had handed it on in a letter to Strachan, who would be
captain in his place; but probably Strachan would have some scheme of
his own. There is nobody who could not edit a paper in the ideal way;
and there is nobody who has not a theory of his own about cricket
coaching at school.
Wrykyn, too, would be weak this year, now that he was no longer there.
Strachan was a good, free bat on his day, and, if he survived a few
overs, might make a century in an hour, but he was not to be depended
upon. There was no doubt that Mike's sudden withdrawal meant that Wrykyn
would have a bad time that season. And it had been such a wretched
athletic year for the school. The football fifteen had been hopeless,
and had lost both the Ripton matches, the return by over sixty points.
Sheen's victory in the light weights at Aldershot had been their one
success. And now, on top of all this, the captain of cricket was removed
during the Easter holidays. Mike's heart bled for Wrykyn, and he found
himself loathing Sedleigh and all its works with a great loathing.
The only thing he could find in its favor was the fact that it was set
in a very pretty country. Of a different type from the Wrykyn country,
but almost as good. For three miles Mike made his way through woods and
past fields. Once he crossed a river. It was soon after this that he
caught sight, from the top of a hill, of a group of buildings that wore
an unmistakably schoollike look.
This must be Sedleigh.
Ten minutes' walk brought him to the school gates, and a baker's boy
directed him to Mr. Outwood's.
There were three houses in a row, separated from the school buildings by
a cricket field. Outwood's was the middle one of these.
Mike went to the front door and knocked. At Wrykyn he had always charged
in at the beginning of term at the boys' entrance, but this formal
reporting of himself at Sedleigh suited his mood.
He inquired for Mr. Outwood, and was shown into a room lined with books.
Presently the door opened, and the housemaster appeared.
There was something pleasant and homely about Mr. Outwood. In appearance
he reminded Mike of Smee in _Peter Pan_. He had the same eyebrows and
pince-nez and the same motherly look.
"Jackson?" he said mildly.
"Yes, sir."
"I am very glad to see you, very glad indeed. Perhaps you would like a
cup of tea after your journey. I think you might like a cup of tea. You
come from Crofton, in Shropshire, I understand, Jackson, near
Brindleford? It is a part of the country which I have always wished to
visit. I dare say you have frequently seen the Cluniac Priory of St.
Ambrose at Brindleford?"
Mike, who would not have recognized a Cluniac Priory if you had handed
him one on a tray, said he had not.
"Dear me! You have missed an opportunity which I should have been glad
to have. I am preparing a book on Ruined Abbeys and Priories of England,
and it has always been my wish to see the Cluniac Priory of St. Ambrose.
A deeply interesting relic of the sixteenth century. Bishop Geoffrey,
1133-40--"
"Shall I go across to the boys' part, sir?"
"What? Yes. Oh, yes. Quite so. And perhaps you would like a cup of tea
after your journey? No? Quite so. Quite so. You should make a point of
visiting the remains of the Cluniac Priory in the summer holidays,
Jackson. You will find the matron in her room. In many respects it is
unique. The northern altar is in a state of really wonderful
preservation. It consists of a solid block of masonry five feet long and
two and a half wide, with chamfered plinth, standing quite free from the
apse wall. It will well repay a visit. Good-bye for the present,
Jackson, good-bye."
Mike wandered across to the other side of the house, his gloom visibly
deepened. All alone in a strange school, where they probably played
hopscotch, with a housemaster who offered one cups of tea after one's
journey and talked about chamfered plinths and apses. It was a
little hard.
He strayed about, finding his bearings, and finally came to a room which
he took to be the equivalent of the senior day room at a Wrykyn house.
Everywhere else he had found nothing but emptiness. Evidently he had
come by an earlier train than was usual. But this room was occupied.
A very long, thin youth, with a solemn face and immaculate clothes, was
leaning against the mantelpiece. As Mike entered, he fumbled in his top
left waistcoat pocket, produced an eyeglass attached to a cord, and
fixed it in his right eye. With the help of this aid to vision he
inspected Mike in silence for a while, then, having flicked an invisible
speck of dust from the left sleeve of his coat, he spoke.
"Hello," he said.
He spoke in a tired voice.
"Hello," said Mike.
"Take a seat," said the immaculate one. "If you don't mind dirtying your
bags, that's to say. Personally, I don't see any prospect of ever
sitting down in this place. It looks to me as if they meant to use these
chairs as mustard-and-cress beds. A Nursery Garden in the Home. That
sort of idea. My name," he added pensively, "is Smith. What's yours?"
3
PSMITH
"Jackson," said Mike.
"Are you the Bully, the Pride of the School, or the Boy who is Led
Astray and takes to Drink in Chapter Sixteen?"
"The last, for choice," said Mike, "but I've only just arrived, so I
don't know."
"The boy--what will he become? Are you new here, too, then?"
"Yes! Why, are you new?"
"Do I look as if I belonged here? I'm the latest import. Sit down on
yonder settee, and I will tell you the painful story of my life. By the
way, before I start, there's just one thing. If you ever have occasion
to write to me, would you mind sticking a P at the beginning of my name?
P-s-m-i-t-h. See? There are too many Smiths, and I don't care for
Smythe. My father's content to worry along in the old-fashioned way, but
I've decided to strike out a fresh line. I shall found a new dynasty.
The resolve came to me unexpectedly this morning. I jotted it down on
the back of an envelope. In conversation you may address me as Rupert
(though I hope you won't), or simply Smith, the _P_ not being sounded.
Compare the name Zbysco, in which the Z is given a similar
miss-in-balk. See?"
Mike said he saw. Psmith thanked him with a certain stately old world
courtesy.
"Let us start at the beginning," he resumed. "My infancy. When I was but
a babe, my eldest sister was bribed with a shilling an hour by my nurse
to keep an eye on me, and see that I did not raise Cain. At the end of
the first day she struck for one-and-six, and got it. We now pass to my
boyhood. At an early age, I was sent to Eton, everybody predicting a
bright career for me. But," said Psmith solemnly, fixing an owl-like
gaze on Mike through the eyeglass, "it was not to be."
"No?" said Mike.
"No. I was superannuated last term."
"Bad luck."
"For Eton, yes. But what Eton loses, Sedleigh gains."
"But why Sedleigh, of all places?"
"This is the most painful part of my narrative. It seems that a certain
scug in the next village to ours happened last year to collar a
Balliol--"
"Not Barlitt!" exclaimed Mike.
"That was the man. The son of the vicar. The vicar told the curate, who
told our curate, who told our vicar, who told my father, who sent me off
here to get a Balliol too. Do _you_ know Barlitt?"
"His father's vicar of our village. It was because his son got a Balliol
that I was sent here."
"Do you come from Crofton?"
"Yes."
"I've lived at Lower Benford all my life. We are practically long-lost
brothers. Cheer a little, will you?"
Mike felt as Robinson Crusoe felt when he met Friday. Here was a fellow
human being in this desert place. He could almost have embraced Psmith.
The very sound of the name Lower Benford was heartening. His dislike for
his new school was not diminished, but now he felt that life there might
at least be tolerable.
"Where were you before you came here?" asked Psmith. "You have heard my
painful story. Now tell me yours."
"Wrykyn. My father took me away because I got such a lot of bad
reports."
"My reports from Eton were simply scurrilous. There's a libel action in
every sentence. How do you like this place, from what you've seen
of it?"
"Rotten."
"I am with you, Comrade Jackson. You won't mind my calling you Comrade,
will you? I've just become a socialist. It's a great scheme. You ought
to be one. You work for the equal distribution of property, and start by
collaring all you can and sitting on it. We must stick together. We are
companions in misfortune. Lost lambs. Sheep that have gone astray.
Divided, we fall, together we may worry through. Have you seen Professor
Radium yet? I should say Mr. Outwood. What do you think of him?"