The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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"The English are in general upright and honest, therefore unsuspecting
and credulous. They are too much engrossed with their own business to
pry into the conduct of their neighbours, and too indifferent, in point
of disposition, to interest themselves in what they conceive to be
foreign to their own concerns. They are wealthy and mercantile, of
consequence liberal and adventurous, and so well disposed to take a man's
own word for his importance, that they suffer themselves to be preyed
upon by such a bungling set of impostors, as would starve for lack of
address in any other country under the sun. This being a true sketch of
the British character, so far as I have been able to observe and learn,
you will easily comprehend the profits that may be extracted from it, by
virtue of those arts by which you so eminently excel;--the great, the
unbounded prospect lies before me! Indeed, I look upon this opulent
kingdom as a wide and fertile common, on which we adventurers may range
for prey, without let or molestation. For so jealous are the natives of
their liberties, that they will not bear the restraint of necessary
police, and an able artist may enrich himself with their spoils, without
running any risk of attracting the magistrate, or incurring the least
penalty of the law.
"In a word, this metropolis is a vast masquerade, in which a man of
stratagem may wear a thousand different disguises, without danger of
detection. There is a variety of shapes in which we the knights of
industry make our appearance in London. One glides into a nobleman's
house in the capacity of a valet-de-chambre, and in a few months leads
the whole family by the nose. Another exhibits himself to the public, as
an empiric or operator for the teeth; and by dint of assurance and
affidavits, bearing testimony to wonderful cures that never were
performed, whirls himself into his chariot, and lays the town under
contribution. A third professes the composition of music, as well as the
performance, and by means of a few capriciosos on the violin, properly
introduced, wriggles himself into the management of private and public
concerts. And a fourth breaks forth at once in all the splendour of a
gay equipage, under the title and denomination of a foreign count. Not
to mention those inferior projectors, who assume the characters of
dancers, fencing-masters, and French ushers, or, by renouncing their
religion, seek to obtain a provision for life.
"Either of these parts will turn to the account of an able actor; and, as
you are equally qualified for all, you may choose that which is most
suitable to your own inclination. Though, in my opinion, you was
designed by nature to shine in the great world, which, after all, is the
most ample field for men of genius; because the game is deeper, and
people of fashion being, for the most part, more ignorant, indolent,
vain, and capricious, than their inferiors, are of consequence more
easily deceived; besides, their morals sit generally so loose about them,
that, when a gentleman of our fraternity is discovered in the exercise of
his profession, their contempt of his skill is the only disgrace he
incurs."
Our hero was so well pleased with this picture, that he longed to peruse
the original, and, before these two friends parted, they settled all the
operations of the campaign. Ratchcali, that same evening, hired
magnificent lodgings for Count Fathom, in the court end of the town, and
furnished his wardrobe and liveries from the spoils of Monmouth Street;
he likewise enlisted another footman and valet-de-chambre into his
service, and sent to the apartments divers large trunks, supposed to be
filled with the baggage of this foreign nobleman, though, in reality,
they contained little else than common lumber.
Next day, our adventurer took possession of his new habitation, after
having left to his friend and associate the task of dismissing the
unfortunate Elenor, who was so shocked at the unexpected message, that
she fainted away; and when she recovered the use of her senses so well as
to reflect upon her forlorn condition, she was seized with the most
violent transports of grief and dismay, by which her brain was disordered
to such a degree, that she grew furious and distracted, and was, by the
advice and assistance of the Tyrolese, conveyed into the hospital of
Bethlem; where we shall leave her for the present, happily bereft of her
reason.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
HE APPEARS IN THE GREAT WORLD WITH UNIVERSAL APPLAUSE AND ADMIRATION.
Meanwhile, Fathom and his engine were busied in completing his equipage,
so that in a few days he had procured a very gay chariot, adorned with
painting, gilding, and a coat of arms, according to his own fancy and
direction. The first use he made of this vehicle was that of visiting
the young nobleman from whom he had received such important civilities on
the road, in consequence of an invitation at parting, by which he learned
his title and the place of his abode in London.
His lordship was not only pleased, but proud to see such a stranger at
his gate, and entertained him with excess of complaisance and
hospitality; insomuch that, by his means, our hero soon became acquainted
with the whole circle of polite company, by whom he was caressed for his
insinuating manners and agreeable conversation. He had thought proper to
tell the nobleman, at their first interview in town, that his reasons for
concealing his knowledge of the English tongue were now removed, and that
he would no longer deny himself the pleasure of speaking a language which
had been always music to his ear. He had also thanked his lordship for
his generous interposition at the inn, which was an instance of that
generosity and true politeness which are engrossed by the English people,
who leave nought to other nations but the mere shadow of these virtues.
A testimony like this, from the mouth of such a noble stranger, won the
heart of the peer, who professed a friendship for him on the spot, and
undertook to see justice done to his lacquey, who in a short time was
gratified with a share of the seizure which had been made upon his
information, amounting to fifty or sixty pounds.
Ferdinand put not forth the whole strength of his accomplishments at
once, but contrived to spring a new mine of qualification every day, to
the surprise and admiration of all his acquaintance. He was gifted with
a sort of elocution, much more specious than solid, and spoke on every
subject that occurred in conversation with that familiarity and ease,
which, one would think, could only be acquired by long study and
application. This plausibility and confidence are faculties really
inherited from nature, and effectually serve the possessor, in lieu of
that learning which is not to be obtained without infinite toil and
perseverance. The most superficial tincture of the arts and sciences in
such a juggler, is sufficient to dazzle the understanding of half
mankind; and, if managed with circumspection, will enable him even to
spend his life among the literati, without once forfeiting the character
of a connoisseur.
Our hero was perfectly master of this legerdemain, which he carried to
such a pitch of assurance, as to declare, in the midst of a mathematical
assembly, that he intended to gratify the public with a full confutation
of Sir Isaac Newton's philosophy, to the nature of which he was as much a
stranger as the most savage Hottentot in Africa. His pretensions to
profound and universal knowledge were supported not only by this kind of
presumption, but also by the facility with which he spoke so many
different languages, and the shrewd remarks he had made in the course of
his travels and observation.
Among politicians, he settled the balance of power upon a certain
footing, by dint of ingenious schemes, which he had contrived for the
welfare of Europe. With officers, he reformed the art of war, with
improvements which had occurred to his reflection while he was engaged in
a military life. He sometimes held forth upon painting, like a member of
the Dilettanti club. The theory of music was a theme upon which he
seemed to expatiate with particular pleasure. In the provinces of love
and gallantry, he was a perfect Oroondates. He possessed a most
agreeable manner of telling entertaining stories, of which he had a large
collection; he sung with great melody and taste, and played upon the
violin with surprising execution. To these qualifications let us add his
affability and pliant disposition, and then the reader will not wonder
that he was looked upon as the pattern of human perfection, and his
acquaintance courted accordingly.
While he thus captivated the favour and affection of the English
nobility, he did not neglect to take other measures in behalf of the
partnership to which he had subscribed. The adventure with the two
squires at Paris had weakened his appetite for play, which was not at all
restored by the observations he had made in London, where the art of
gaming is reduced into a regular system, and its professors so laudably
devoted to the discharge of their functions, as to observe the most
temperate regimen, lest their invention should be impaired by the fatigue
of watching or exercise, and their ideas disturbed by the fumes of
indigestion. No Indian Brachman could live more abstemious than two of
the pack, who hunted in couple, and kennelled in the upper apartments of
the hotel in which our adventurer lived. They abstained from animal food
with the abhorrence of Pythagoreans, their drink was a pure simple
element, they were vomited once a week, took physic or a glyster every
third day, spent the forenoon in algebraical calculations, and slept from
four o'clock till midnight, that they might then take the field with that
cool serenity which is the effect of refreshment and repose.
These were terms upon which our hero would not risk his fortune; he was
too much addicted to pleasure to forego every other enjoyment but that of
amassing; and did not so much depend upon his dexterity in play as upon
his talent of insinuation, which, by this time, had succeeded so far
beyond his expectation, that he began to indulge the hope of enslaving
the heart of some rich heiress, whose fortune would at once raise him
above all dependence. Indeed, no man ever set out with a fairer prospect
on such an expedition; for he had found means to render himself so
agreeable to the fair sex, that, like the boxes of the playhouse, during
the representation of a new performance, his company was often bespoke
for a series of weeks; and no lady, whether widow, wife, or maiden, ever
mentioned his name, without some epithet of esteem or affection; such as
the dear Count! the charming Man! the Nonpareil, or the Angel!
While he thus shone in the zenith of admiration, it is not to be doubted,
that he could have melted some wealthy dowager or opulent ward; but,
being an enemy to all precipitate engagements, he resolved to act with
great care and deliberation in an affair of such importance, especially
as he did not find himself hurried by the importunities of want; for,
since his arrival in England, he had rather increased than exhausted his
finances, by methods equally certain and secure. In a word, he, with the
assistance of Ratchcali, carried on a traffic, which yielded great
profits, without subjecting the trader to the least loss or
inconvenience. Fathom, for example, wore upon his finger a large
brilliant, which he played to such advantage one night, at a certain
nobleman's house, where he was prevailed upon to entertain the company
with a solo on the violin, that everybody present took notice of its
uncommon lustre, and it was handed about for the perusal of every
individual. The water and the workmanship were universally admired; and
one among the rest having expressed a desire of knowing the value of such
a jewel, the Count seized that opportunity of entertaining them with a
learned disquisition into the nature of stones; this introduced the
history of the diamond in question, which he said had been purchased of
an Indian trader of Fort St. George, at an under price; so that the
present proprietor could afford to sell it at a very reasonable rate; and
concluded with telling the company, that, for his own part, he had been
importuned to wear it by the jeweller, who imagined it would have a
better chance for attracting a purchaser on his finger, than while it
remained in his own custody.
This declaration was no sooner made, than a certain lady of quality
bespoke the refuse of the jewel, and desired Ferdinand to send the owner
next day to her house, where he accordingly waited upon her ladyship with
the ring, for which he received one hundred and fifty guineas, two-thirds
of the sum being clear gain, and equally divided betwixt the associates.
Nor was this bargain such as reflected dishonour upon the lady's taste,
or could be productive of ill consequences to the merchant; for the
method of estimating diamonds is altogether arbitrary; and Ratchcali, who
was an exquisite lapidary, had set it in such a manner as would have
imposed upon any ordinary jeweller. By these means of introduction, the
Tyrolese soon monopolised the custom of a great many noble families, upon
which he levied large contributions, without incurring the least
suspicion of deceit. He every day, out of pure esteem and gratitude for
the honour of their commands, entertained them with the sight of some new
trinket, which he was never permitted to carry home unsold; and from the
profits of each job, a tax was raised for the benefit of our adventurer.
Yet his indultos were not confined to the article of jewels, which
constituted only one part of his revenue. By the industry of his
understrapper, he procured a number of old crazy fiddles, which were
thrown aside as lumber; upon which he counterfeited the Cremona mark, and
otherwise cooked them up with great dexterity; so that, when he had
occasion to regale the lovers of music, he would send for one of these
vamped instruments, and extract from it such tones as quite ravished the
hearers; among whom there was always some conceited pretender, who spoke
in raptures of the violin, and gave our hero an opportunity of launching
out in its praise, and declaring it was the best Cremona he had ever
touched. This encomium never failed to inflame the desires of the
audience, to some one of whom he was generous enough to part with it at
prime cost--that is, for twenty or thirty guineas clear profit; for he
was often able to oblige his friends in this manner, because, being an
eminent connoisseur, his countenance was solicited by all the musicians,
who wanted to dispose of such moveables.
Nor did he neglect the other resources of a skilful virtuoso. Every
auction afforded some picture, in which, though it had been overlooked by
the ignorance of the times, he recognised the style of a great master,
and made a merit of recommending it to some noble friend. This commerce
he likewise extended to medals, bronzes, busts, intaglios, and old china,
and kept divers artificers continually employed in making antiques for
the English nobility. Thus he went on with such rapidity of success in
all his endeavours, that he himself was astonished at the infatuation he
had produced. Nothing was so wretched among the productions of art, that
he could not impose upon the world as a capital performance; and so
fascinated were the eyes of his admirers, he could easily have persuaded
them that a barber's bason was an Etrurian patera, and the cover of a
copper pot no other than the shield of Ancus Martius. In short, it was
become so fashionable to consult the Count in everything relating to
taste and politeness, that not a plan was drawn, not even a house
furnished, without his advice and approbation; nay, to such a degree did
his reputation in these matters excel, that a particular pattern of
paper-hangings was known by the name of Fathom; and his hall was every
morning crowded with upholsterers, and other tradesmen, who came, by
order of their employers, to learn his choice, and take his directions.
The character and influence he thus acquired, he took care to maintain
with the utmost assiduity and circumspection. He never failed to appear
the chief personage at all public diversions and private assemblies, not
only in conversation and dress, but also in the article of dancing, in
which he outstripped all his fellows, as far as in every other genteel
accomplishment.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
HE ATTRACTS THE ENVY AND ILL OFFICES OF THE MINOR KNIGHTS OF HIS OWN
ORDER, OVER WHOM HE OBTAINS A COMPLETE VICTORY.
Such a pre-eminence could not be enjoyed without exciting the malevolence
of envy and detraction, in the propagation of which none were so
industrious as the brethren of his own order, who had, like him, made a
descent upon this island, and could not, without repining, see the whole
harvest in the hands of one man, who, with equal art and discretion,
avoided all intercourse with their society. In vain they strove to
discover his pedigree, and detect the particular circumstances of his
life and conversation; all their inquiries were baffled by the obscurity
of his origin, and that solitary scheme which he had adopted in the
beginning of his career. The whole fruit of their investigation amounted
to no more than a certainty that there was no family of any consideration
in Europe known by the denomination of Fathom; and this discovery they
did not fail to divulge for the benefit of our adventurer, who had by
this time taken such firm root in the favour of the great, as to set all
those little arts at defiance; and when the report reached his ear,
actually made his friends merry with the conjectures which had been
circulated at his expense.
His adversaries, finding themselves disappointed in this effort, held a
consultation to devise other measures against him, and came to a
resolution of ending him by the sword, or rather of expelling him from
the kingdom by the fear of death, which they hoped he had not courage
enough to resist, because his deportment had always been remarkably mild
and pacific. It was upon this supposition that they left to the
determination of the dice the choice of the person who should execute
their plan; and the lot falling upon a Swiss, who, from the station of a
foot soldier in the Dutch service, out of which he had been drummed for
theft, had erected himself into the rank of a self-created chevalier,
this hero fortified himself with a double dose of brandy, and betook
himself to a certain noted coffee-house, with an intent to affront Count
Fathom in public.
He was lucky enough to find our adventurer sitting at a table in
conversation with some persons of the first rank; upon which he seated
himself in the next box, and after having intruded himself into their
discourse, which happened to turn upon the politics of some German
courts, "Count," said he to Ferdinand, in a very abrupt and disagreeable
manner of address, "I was last night in company with some gentlemen,
among whom a dispute happened about the place of your nativity; pray,
what country are you of?" "Sir," answered the other, with great
politeness, "I at present have the honour to be of England." "Oho!"
replied the chevalier, "I ask your pardon, that is to say, you are incog;
some people may find it convenient to keep themselves in that situation."
"True," said the Count, "but some people are too well known to enjoy that
privilege." The Swiss being a little disconcerted at this repartee,
which extracted a smile from the audience, after some pause, observed,
that persons of a certain class had good reason to drop the remembrance
of what they have been; but a good citizen will not forget his country,
or former condition. "And a bad citizen," said Fathom, "cannot, if he
would, provided he has met with his deserts; a sharper may as well forget
the shape of a die, or a discarded soldier the sound of a drum."
As the chevalier's character and story were not unknown, this application
raised an universal laugh at his expense, which provoked him to such a
degree, that, starting up, he swore Fathom could not have mentioned any
object in nature that he himself resembled so much as a drum, which was
exactly typified by his emptiness and sound, with this difference,
however, that a drum was never noisy till beaten, whereas the Count would
never be quiet, until he should have undergone the same discipline. So
saying, he laid his hand upon his sword with a menacing look, and walked
out as if in expectation of being followed by our adventurer, who
suffered himself to be detained by the company, and very calmly took
notice, that his antagonist would not be ill pleased at their
interposition. Perhaps he would not have comported himself with such
ease and deliberation, had not he made such remarks upon the disposition
of the chevalier, as convinced him of his own safety. He had perceived a
perplexity and perturbation in the countenance of the Swiss, when he
first entered the coffee-room; his blunt and precipitate way of accosting
him seemed to denote confusion and compulsion; and, in the midst of his
ferocity, this accurate observer discerned the trepidation of fear. By
the help of these signs, his sagacity soon comprehended the nature of his
schemes, and prepared accordingly for a formal defiance.
His conjecture was verified next morning by a visit from the chevalier,
who, taking it for granted that Fathom would not face an adversary in the
field, because he had not followed him from the coffee-house, went to his
lodgings with great confidence, and demanded to see the Count upon an
affair that would admit of no delay. Maurice, according to his
instructions, told him that his master was gone out, but desired he would
have the goodness to repose himself in the parlour, till the Count's
return, which he expected every moment. Ferdinand, who had taken post in
a proper place for observation, seeing his antagonist fairly admitted,
took the same road, and appearing before him, wrapped up in a long
Spanish cloak, desired to know what had procured him the honour of such
an early visit. The Swiss, raising his voice to conceal his agitation,
explained his errand, in demanding reparation for the injury his honour
had sustained the preceding day, in that odious allusion to a scandalous
report which had been raised by the malice of his enemies; and insisted,
in a very imperious style, upon his attending him forthwith to the
nursery in Hyde Park. "Have a little patience," said our adventurer with
great composure, "and I will do myself the pleasure to wait upon you in a
few moments."
With these words, he rang the bell, and, calling for a bason of water,
laid aside his cloak, and displayed himself in his shirt, with a sword in
his right hand, which was all over besmeared with recent blood, as if he
had just come from the slaughter of a foe. This phenomenon made such an
impression upon the astonished chevalier, already discomposed by the
resolute behaviour of the Count, that he became jaundiced with terror and
dismay, and, while his teeth chattered in his head, told our hero he had
hoped, from his known politeness, to have found him ready to acknowledge
an injury which might have been the effect of anger or misapprehension,
in which case the affair might have been compromised to their mutual
satisfaction, without proceeding to those extremities which, among men of
honour, are always accounted the last resource. To this representation
Ferdinand answered, that the affair had been of the chevalier's own
seeking, inasmuch as he had intruded himself into his company, and
treated him with the most insolent and unprovoked abuse, which plainly
flowed from a premeditated design against his honour and reputation; he,
therefore, far from being disposed to own himself in the wrong, would not
even accept of a public acknowledgment from him, the aggressor, whom he
looked upon as an infamous sharper, and was resolved to chastise
accordingly.
Here the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a person who was
brought to the door in a chair, and conducted into another apartment,
from which a message was brought to the Count, importing, that the
stranger desired to speak with him upon business of the last importance.
Fathom having chid the servant for admitting people without his order,
desired the Swiss to excuse him for a minute longer, and went in to the
next room, from whence the following dialogue was overheard by this
challenger:--"Count," said the stranger, "you are not ignorant of my
pretensions to the heart of that young lady, at whose house I met you
yesterday; therefore you cannot be surprised when I declare myself
displeased with your visits and behaviour to my mistress, and demand that
you will instantly promise to drop the correspondence." "Else what
follows?" answered Ferdinand, with a cool and temperate voice. "My
resentment and immediate defiance," replied the other; "for the only
alternative I propose is, to forego your design upon that lady, or to
decide our pretension by the sword."