The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
HE REPAIRS TO BRISTOL SPRING, WHERE HE REIGNS PARAMOUNT DURING THE WHOLE
SEASON.
We shall therefore leave her in this comfortable situation, and return to
our adventurer, whose appearance at Bristol was considered as a happy
omen by the proprietor of the hot well, and all the people who live by
the resort of company to that celebrated spring. Nor were they deceived
in their prognostic. Fathom, as usual, formed the nucleus or kernel of
the beau monde; and the season soon became so crowded, that many people
of fashion were obliged to quit the place for want of lodging. Ferdinand
was the soul that animated the whole society. He not only invented
parties of pleasure, but also, by his personal talents, rendered them
more agreeable. In a word, he regulated their diversions, and the master
of the ceremonies never would allow the ball to be begun till the Count
was seated.
Having thus made himself the object of admiration and esteem, his advice
was an oracle, to which they had recourse in all doubtful cases of
punctilio or dispute, or even of medicine; for among his other
accomplishments, his discourse on that subject was so plausible, and well
adapted to the understanding of his hearers, that any person who had not
actually studied the medical art would have believed he was inspired by
the spirit of Aesculapius. What contributed to the aggrandisement of his
character in this branch of knowledge, was a victory he obtained over an
old physician, who plied at the well, and had one day unfortunately begun
to harangue in the pump-room upon the nature of the Bristol water. In
the course of this lecture he undertook to account for the warmth of the
fluid; and his ideas being perplexed with a great deal of reading, which
he had not been able to digest, his disquisition was so indistinct, and
his expression so obscure and unentertaining, that our hero seized the
opportunity of displaying his own erudition, by venturing to contradict
some circumstances of the doctor's hypothesis, and substituting a theory
of his own, which, as he had invented it for the purpose, was equally
amusing and chimerical.
He alleged, that fire was the sole vivifying principle that pervaded all
nature; that, as the heat of the sun concocted the juice of vegetables,
and ripened those fruits that grow upon the surface of this globe, there
was likewise an immense store of central fire reserved within the bowels
of the earth, not only for the generation of gems, fossils, and all the
purposes of the mineral world, but likewise for cherishing and keeping
alive those plants which would otherwise perish by the winter's cold.
The existence of such a fire he proved from the nature of all those
volcanoes, which in almost every corner of the earth are continually
vomiting up either flames or smoke. "These," said he, "are the great
vents appointed by nature for the discharge of that rarefied air and
combustible matter, which, if confined, would burst the globe asunder;
but, besides the larger outlets, there are some small chimneys through
which part of the heat transpires; a vapour of that sort, I conceive,
must pass through the bed or channel of this spring, the waters of which,
accordingly retain a moderate warmth."
This account, which totally overthrew the other's doctrine, was so
extremely agreeable to the audience, that the testy doctor lost his
temper, and gave them to understand, without preamble, that he must be a
person wholly ignorant of natural philosophy, who could invent such a
ridiculous system, and they involved in worse than an Egyptian fog, that
could not at once discern its weakness and absurdity. This declaration
introduced a dispute, which was unanimously determined in favour of our
adventurer. On all such occasions the stream of prejudice runs against
the physician, even though his antagonist has nothing to recommend
himself to the favour of the spectators; and this decision depends upon
divers considerations. In the first place, there is a continual war
carried on against the learned professions, by all those who, conscious
of their own ignorance, seek to level the reputation of their superiors
with their own. Secondly, in all disputes upon physic that happen
betwixt a person who really understands the art, and an illiterate
pretender, the arguments of the first will seem obscure and
unintelligible to those who are unacquainted with the previous systems on
which they are built; while the other's theory, derived from common
notions, and superficial observation, will be more agreeable, because
better adapted to the comprehension of the hearers. Thirdly, the
judgment of the multitude is apt to be biassed by that surprise which is
the effect of seeing an artist foiled at his own weapons, by one who
engages him only for amusement.
Fathom, besides these advantages, was blessed with a flow of language, an
elegant address, a polite and self-denying style of argumentation,
together with a temper not to be ruffled; so that the victory could not
long waver between him and the physician, to whom he was infinitely
superior in every acquisition but that of solid learning, of which the
judges had no idea. This contest was not only glorious but profitable to
our adventurer, who grew into such request in his medical capacity, that
the poor doctor was utterly deserted by his patients, and Fathom's advice
solicited by every valetudinarian in the place; nor did he forfeit the
character he thus acquired by any miscarriages in his practice. Being
but little conversant with the materia medica, the circle of his
prescriptions was very small; his chief study was to avoid all drugs of
rough operation and uncertain effect, and to administer such only as
should be agreeable to the palate, without doing violence to the
constitution. Such a physician could not but be agreeable to people of
all dispositions; and, as most of the patients were in some shape
hypochondriac, the power of imagination, co-operating with his remedies,
often effected a cure.
On the whole, it became the fashion to consult the Count in all
distempers, and his reputation would have had its run, though the death
of every patient had given the lie to his pretensions. But empty fame
was not the sole fruit of his success. Though no person would presume to
affront this noble graduate with a fee, they did not fail to manifest
their gratitude by some more valuable present. Every day some superb
piece of china, curious snuffbox, or jewel, was pressed upon him; so
that, at the end of the season, he could almost have furnished a toyshop
with the acknowledgments he had received. Not only his avarice, but his
pleasure, was gratified in the course of his medical administration. He
enjoyed free access, egress, and regress with all the females at the
well, and no matron scrupled to put her daughter under his care and
direction. These opportunities could not be lost upon a man of his
intriguing genius; though he conducted his amours with such discretion,
that, during the whole season, no lady's character suffered on his
account, yet he was highly fortunate in his addresses, and we may venture
to affirm, that the reproach of barrenness was more than once removed by
the vigour of his endeavours.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
HE IS SMITTEN WITH THE CHARMS OF A FEMALE ADVENTURER, WHOSE ALLUREMENTS
SUBJECT HIM TO A NEW VICISSITUDE OF FORTUNE.
Among those who were distinguished by his gallantry was the young wife of
an old citizen of London, who had granted her permission to reside at the
hot well for the benefit of her health, under the eye and inspection of
his own sister, who was a maiden of fifty years. The pupil, whose name
was Mrs. Trapwell, though low in stature, was finely shaped, her
countenance engaging, though her complexion was brown, her hair in colour
rivalled the raven's back, and her eyes emulated the lustre of the
diamond. Fathom had been struck with her first appearance; but found it
impracticable to elude the vigilance of her duenna, so as to make a
declaration of his flame; until she herself, guessing the situation of
his thoughts, and not displeased with the discovery, thought proper to
furnish him with the opportunity he wanted, by counterfeiting an
indisposition, for the cure of which she knew his advice would be
implored. This was the beginning of an acquaintance, which was soon
improved to his wish; and so well did she manage her attractions, as in
some measure to fix the inconstancy of his disposition; for, at the end
of the season, his passion was not sated; and they concerted the means of
continuing their commerce, even after their return to London.
This intercourse effectually answered the purpose of the husband, who had
been decoyed into matrimony by the cunning of his spouse, whom he had
privately kept as a concubine before marriage. Conscious of her own
precarious situation, she had resolved to impose upon the infirmities of
Trapwell, and, feigning herself pregnant, gave him to understand she
could no longer conceal her condition from the knowledge of her brother,
who was an officer in the army, and of such violent passions, that,
should he once discover her backsliding, he would undoubtedly wipe away
the stains of his family dishonour with her own blood, as well as that of
her keeper. The citizen, to prevent such a catastrophe, took her to
wife; but soon after perceiving the trick which had been played upon him,
set his invention at work, and at length contrived a scheme which he
thought would enable him, not only to retrieve his liberty, but also
indemnify himself for the mortification he had undergone.
Far from creating any domestic disturbance, by upbraiding her with her
finesse, he seemed perfectly well pleased with his acquisition; and, as
he knew her void of any principle, and extremely addicted to pleasure, he
chose proper occasions to insinuate, that she might gratify her own
inclination, and at the same time turn her beauty to good account. She
joyfully listened to these remonstrances, and, in consequence of their
mutual agreement, she repaired to Bristol Spring, on pretence of an ill
state of health, accompanied by her sister-in-law, whom they did not
think proper to intrust with the real motive of her journey. Fathom's
person was agreeable, and his finances supposed to be in flourishing
order; therefore, she selected him from the herd of gallants, as a proper
sacrifice to the powers which she adored; and, on her arrival in London,
made her husband acquainted with the importance of her conquest.
Trapwell overwhelmed her with caresses and praise for her discreet and
dutiful conduct, and faithfully promised that she should pocket in her
own privy purse one-half of the spoils that should be gathered from her
gallant, whom she therefore undertook to betray, after he had swore, in
the most solemn manner, that his intention was not to bring the affair to
a public trial, which would redound to his own disgrace, but to extort a
round sum of money from the Count, by way of composition. Confiding in
this protestation, she in a few days gave him intelligence of an
assignation she had made with our adventurer, at a certain bagnio near
Covent Garden; upon which he secured the assistance of a particular
friend and his own journeyman, with whom, and a constable, he repaired to
the place of rendezvous, where he waited in an adjoining room, according
to the directions of his virtuous spouse, until she made the preconcerted
signal of hemming three times aloud, when he and his associates rushed
into the chamber and surprised our hero in bed with his inamorata.
The lady on this occasion acted her part to a miracle; she screamed at
their approach; and, after an exclamation of "Ruined and undone!"
fainted away in the arms of her spouse, who had by this time seized her
by the shoulders, and begun to upbraid her with her infidelity and guilt.
As for Fathom, his affliction was unutterable, when he found himself
discovered in that situation, and made prisoner by the two assistants,
who had pinioned him in such a manner, that he could not stir, much less
accomplish an escape. All his ingenuity and presence of mind seemed to
forsake him in this emergency. The horrors of an English jury overspread
his imagination; for he at once perceived that the toil into which he had
fallen was laid for the purpose; consequently he took it for granted that
there would be no deficiency in point of evidence. Soon as he
recollected himself, he begged that no violence might be offered to his
person, and entreated the husband to favour him with a conference, in
which the affair might be compromised, without prejudice to the
reputation of either.
At first Trapwell breathed nothing but implacable revenge, but, by the
persuasion of his friends, after he had sent home his wife in a chair, he
was prevailed upon to hear the proposals of the delinquent, who having
assured him, by way of apology, that he had always believed the lady was
a widow, made him an offer of five hundred pounds, as an atonement for
the injury he had sustained. This being a sum no ways adequate to the
expectation of the citizen, who looked upon the Count as possessor of an
immense estate, he rejected the terms with disdain, and made instant
application to a judge, from whom he obtained a warrant for securing his
person till the day of trial. Indeed, in this case, money was but a
secondary consideration with Trapwell, whose chief aim was to be legally
divorced from a woman he detested. Therefore there was no remedy for the
unhappy Count, who in vain offered to double the sum. He found himself
reduced to the bitter alternative of procuring immediate bail, or going
directly to Newgate.
In this dilemma he sent a messenger to his friend Ratchcali, whose
countenance fell when he understood the Count's condition; nor would he
open his mouth in the style of consolation, until he had consulted a
certain solicitor of his acquaintance, who assured him the law abounded
with such resources as would infallibly screen the defendant, had the
fact been still more palpable than it was. He said there was great
presumption to believe the Count had fallen a sacrifice to a conspiracy,
which by some means or other would be detected; and, in that case, the
plaintiff might obtain one shilling in lieu of damages. If that
dependence should fail, he hinted that, in all probability, the witnesses
were not incorruptible; or, should they prove to be so, one man's oath
was as good as another's; and, thank Heaven, there was no dearth of
evidence, provided money could be found to answer the necessary
occasions.
Ratchcali, comforted by these insinuations, and dreading the resentment
of our adventurer, who, in his despair, might punish him severely for his
want of friendship, by some precipitate explanation of the commerce they
had carried on; moved, I say, by these considerations, and moreover
tempted with the prospect of continuing to reap the advantages resulting
from their conjunction, he and another person of credit with whom he
largely dealt in jewels, condescended to become sureties for the
appearance of Fathom, who was accordingly admitted to bail. Not but that
the Tyrolese knew Ferdinand too well to confide in his parole. He
depended chiefly upon his ideas of self-interest, which, he thought,
would persuade him to risk the uncertain issue of a trial, rather than
quit the field before the harvest was half over; and he was resolved to
make his own retreat without ceremony, should our hero be unwise enough
to abandon his bail.
Such an adventure could not long lie concealed from the notice of the
public, even if both parties had been at pains to suppress the
circumstances. But the plaintiff, far from seeking to cover, affected to
complain loudly of his misfortune, that he might interest his neighbours
in his behalf, and raise a spirit of rancour and animosity, to influence
the jury against this insolent foreigner, who had come over into England
to debauch our wives and deflower our daughters; while he employed a
formidable band of lawyers to support the indictment, which he laid at
ten thousand pounds damages.
Meanwhile, Fathom and his associate did not fail to take all proper
measures for his defence; they retained a powerful bar of counsel, and
the solicitor was supplied with one hundred pounds after another, to
answer the expense of secret service; still assuring his clients that
everything was in an excellent train, and that his adversary would gain
nothing but shame and confusion of face. Nevertheless, there was a
necessity for postponing the trial, on account of a material evidence,
who, though he wavered, was not yet quite brought over; and the attorney
found means to put off the decision from term to term, until there was no
quibble left for further delay. While this suit was depending, our hero
continued to move in his usual sphere; nor did the report of his
situation at all operate to his disadvantage in the polite world; on the
contrary, it added a fresh plume to his character, in the eyes of all
those who were not before acquainted with the triumphs of his gallantry.
Notwithstanding this countenance of his friends, he himself considered
the affair in a very serious light; and perceiving that, at any rate, he
must be a considerable loser, he resolved to double his assiduity in
trade, that he might be the more able to afford the extraordinary expense
to which he was subjected.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
FRESH CAUSE FOR EXERTING HIS EQUANIMITY AND FORTITUDE.
The reader may have observed, that Fathom, with all his circumspection,
had a weak side, which exposed him to sundry mischances; this was his
covetousness, which on some occasions became too hard for his discretion.
At this period of time it was, by the circumstances of his situation,
inflamed to a degree of rapacity. He was now prevailed upon to take a
hand at whist or piquet, and even to wield the hazard-box; though he had
hitherto declared himself an irreconcilable enemy to all sorts of play;
and so uncommon was his success and dexterity at these exercises, as to
surprise his acquaintance, and arouse the suspicion of some people, who
repined at his prosperity.
But in nothing was his conduct more inexcusable than in giving way to the
dangerous temerity of Ratchcali, which he had been always at pains to
restrain, and permitting him to practise the same fraud upon an English
nobleman, which had been executed upon himself at Frankfort. In other
words, the Tyrolese, by the canal of Ferdinand's finger and
recommendation, sold a pebble for a real brilliant, and in a few days the
cheat was discovered, to the infinite confusion of our adventurer, who
nevertheless assumed the guise of innocence with so much art, and
expressed such indignation against the villain who had imposed upon his
judgment and unsuspecting generosity, that his lordship acquitted him of
any share in the deceit, and contented himself with the restitution,
which he insisted upon making out of his own pocket, until he should be
able to apprehend the rogue, who had thought proper to abscond for his
own safety. In spite of all this exculpation, his character did not fail
to retain a sort of stigma, which indeed the plainest proofs of innocence
are hardly able to efface; and his connexion with such a palpable knave
as the Tyrolese appeared to be, had an effect to his prejudice in the
minds of all those who were privy to the occurrence.
When a man's reputation is once brought in question, every trifle is, by
the malevolence of mankind, magnified into a strong presumption against
the culprit. A few whispers communicated by the envious mouth of
slander, which he can have no opportunity to answer and refute, shall, in
the opinion of the world, convict him of the most horrid crimes; and for
one hypocrite who is decked with the honours of virtue, there are twenty
good men who suffer the ignominy of vice; so well disposed are
individuals to trample upon the fame of their fellow-creatures. If the
most unblemished merit is not protected from this injustice, it will not
be wondered at that no quarter was given to the character of an
adventurer like Fathom, who, among other unlucky occurrences, had the
misfortune to be recognised about this time by his two Parisian friends,
Sir Stentor Stile and Sir Giles Squirrel.
These worthy knights-errant had returned to their own country, after
having made a very prosperous campaign in France, at the end of which,
however, they very narrowly escaped the galleys; and seeing the Polish
Count seated at the head of taste and politeness, they immediately
circulated the story of his defeat at Paris, with many ludicrous
circumstances of their own invention, and did not scruple to affirm that
he was a rank impostor. When the laugh is raised upon a great man, he
never fails to dwindle into contempt. Ferdinand began to perceive a
change in the countenance of his friends. His company was no longer
solicited with that eagerness which they had formerly expressed in his
behalf. Even his entertainments were neglected; when he appeared at any
private or public assembly, the ladies, instead of glowing with pleasure,
as formerly, now tittered or regarded him with looks of disdain; and a
certain pert, little, forward coquette, with a view to put him out of
countenance, by raising the laugh at his expense, asked him one night, at
a drum, when he had heard from his relations in Poland? She succeeded in
her design upon the mirth of the audience, but was disappointed in the
other part of her aim; for our hero replied, without the least mark of
discomposure, "They are all in good health at your service, madam; I wish
I knew in what part of the world your relations reside, that I might
return the compliment." By this answer, which was the more severe, as
the young lady was of very doubtful extraction, he retorted the laugh
upon the aggressor, though he likewise failed in his attempt upon her
temper; for she was perhaps the only person present who equalled himself
in stability of countenance.
Notwithstanding this appearance of unconcern, he was deeply touched with
these marks of alienation in the behaviour of his friends, and,
foreseeing in his own disgrace the total shipwreck of his fortune, he
entered into a melancholy deliberation with himself about the means of
retrieving his importance in the beau monde, or of turning his address
into some other channel, where he could stand upon a less slippery
foundation. In this exercise of his thoughts, no scheme occurred more
feasible than that of securing the booty he had made, and retiring with
his associate, who was also blown, into some other country, where their
names and characters being unknown, they might pursue their old plan of
commerce without molestation. He imparted this suggestion to the
Tyrolese, who approved the proposal of decamping, though he combated with
all his might our hero's inclination to withdraw himself before the
trial, by repeating the assurances of the solicitor, who told him he
might depend upon being reimbursed by the sentence of the court for great
part of the sums he had expended in the course of the prosecution.
Fathom suffered himself to be persuaded by these arguments, supported
with the desire of making an honourable retreat, and, waiting patiently
for the day of trouble, discharged his sureties, by a personal appearance
in court. Yet this was not the only score he discharged that morning;
the solicitor presented his own bill before they set out for Westminster
Hall, and gave the Count to understand that it was the custom, from time
immemorial, for the client to clear with his attorney before trial.
Ferdinand had nothing to object against this established rule, though he
looked upon it as a bad omen, in spite of all the solicitor's confidence
and protestations; and he was not a little confounded, when, looking into
the contents, he found himself charged with 350 attendances. He knew it
was not his interest to disoblige his lawyer at such a juncture;
nevertheless, he could not help expostulating with him on this article,
which seemed to be so falsely stated with regard to the number; when his
questions drew on an explanation, by which he found he had incurred the
penalty of three shillings and fourpence for every time he chanced to
meet the conscientious attorney, either in the park, the coffee-house, or
the street, provided they had exchanged the common salutation; and he had
good reason to believe the solicitor had often thrown himself in his way,
with a view to swell this item of his account.
With this extortion our adventurer was fain to comply, because he lay at
the mercy of the caitiff; accordingly, he with a good grace paid the
demand, which, including his former disbursements, amounted to three
hundred and sixty-five pounds eleven shillings and threepence three
farthings, and then presenting himself before the judge, quietly
submitted to the laws of the realm. His counsel behaved like men of
consummate abilities in their profession; they exerted themselves with
equal industry, eloquence, and erudition, in their endeavours to perplex
the truth, browbeat the evidence, puzzle the judge, and mislead the jury;
but the defendant found himself wofully disappointed in the deposition of
Trapwell's journeyman, whom the solicitor pretended to have converted to
his interest. This witness, as the attorney afterwards declared, played
booty, and the facts came out so clear, that Ferdinand Count Fathom was
convicted of criminal conversation with the plaintiff's wife, and cast in
fifteen hundred pounds, under the denomination of damages.