The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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An unconcerned reader, when he peruses the history of two competitors,
who lived two thousand years ago, or who perhaps never had existence,
except in the imagination of the author, cannot help interesting himself
in the dispute, and espousing one side of the contest, with all the zeal
of a warm adherent. What wonder, then, that we should be heated in our
own concerns, review our actions with the same self-approbation that they
had formerly acquired, and recommend them to the world with all the
enthusiasm of paternal affection?
Supposing this to be the case, it was lucky for the cause of historical
truth, that so many pens have been drawn by writers, who could not be
suspected of such partiality; and that many great personages, among the
ancients as well as moderns, either would not or could not entertain the
public with their own memoirs. From this want of inclination or capacity
to write, in our hero himself, the undertaking is now left to me, of
transmitting to posterity the remarkable adventures of FERDINAND COUNT
FATHOM; and by the time the reader shall have glanced over the subsequent
sheets, I doubt not but he will bless God that the adventurer was not his
own historian.
This mirror of modern chivalry was none of those who owe their dignity to
the circumstances of their birth, and are consecrated from the cradle for
the purposes of greatness, merely because they are the accidental
children of wealth. He was heir to no visible patrimony, unless we
reckon a robust constitution, a tolerable appearance, and an uncommon
capacity, as the advantages of inheritance. If the comparison obtains in
this point of consideration, he was as much as any man indebted to his
parent; and pity it was, that, in the sequel of his fortune, he never had
an opportunity of manifesting his filial gratitude and regard. From this
agreeable act of duty to his sire, and all those tendernesses that are
reciprocally enjoyed betwixt the father and the son, he was unhappily
excluded by a small circumstance; at which, however, he was never heard
to repine. In short, had he been brought forth in the fabulous ages of
the world, the nature of his origin might have turned to his account; he
might, like other heroes of antiquity, have laid claim to divine
extraction, without running the risk of being claimed by an earthly
father. Not that his parents had any reason to disown or renounce their
offspring, or that there was anything preternatural in the circumstances
of his generation and birth; on the contrary, he was, from the beginning,
a child of promising parts, and in due course of nature ushered into the
world amidst a whole cloud of witnesses. But, that he was acknowledged
by no mortal sire, solely proceeded from the uncertainty of his mother,
whose affections were so dissipated among a number of admirers, that she
could never pitch upon the person from whose loins our hero sprung.
Over and above this important doubt under which he was begotten, other
particularities attended his birth, and seemed to mark him out as
something uncommon among the sons of men. He was brought forth in a
waggon, and might be said to be literally a native of two different
countries; for, though he first saw the light in Holland, he was not born
till after the carriage arrived in Flanders; so that, all these
extraordinary circumstances considered, the task of determining to what
government he naturally owed allegiance, would be at least as difficult
as that of ascertaining the so much contested birthplace of Homer.
Certain it is, the Count's mother was an Englishwoman, who, after having
been five times a widow in one campaign, was, in the last year of the
renowned Marlborough's command, numbered among the baggage of the allied
army, which she still accompanied, through pure benevolence of spirit,
supplying the ranks with the refreshing streams of choice Geneva, and
accommodating individuals with clean linen, as the emergency of their
occasions required. Nor was her philanthropy altogether confined to such
ministration; she abounded with "the milk of human kindness," which
flowed plentifully among her fellow-creatures; and to every son of Mars
who cultivated her favour, she liberally dispensed her smiles, in order
to sweeten the toils and dangers of the field.
And here it will not be amiss to anticipate the remarks of the reader,
who, in the chastity and excellency of his conception, may possibly
exclaim, "Good Heaven! will these authors never reform their
imaginations, and lift their ideas from the obscene objects of low life?
Must the public be again disgusted with the grovelling adventures of a
waggon? Will no writer of genius draw his pen in the vindication of
taste, and entertain us with the agreeable characters, the dignified
conversation, the poignant repartee, in short, the genteel comedy of the
polite world?"
Have a little patience, gentle, delicate, sublime critic; you, I doubt
not, are one of those consummate connoisseurs, who, in their
purifications, let humour evaporate, while they endeavour to preserve
decorum, and polish wit, until the edge of it is quite worn off. Or,
perhaps, of that class, who, in the sapience of taste, are disgusted with
those very flavours in the productions of their own country which have
yielded infinite delectation to their faculties, when imported from
another clime; and d--n an author in despite of all precedent and
prescription;--who extol the writings of Petronius Arbiter, read with
rapture the amorous sallies of Ovid's pen, and chuckle over the story of
Lucian's ass; yet, if a modern author presumes to relate the progress of
a simple intrigue, are shocked at the indecency and immorality of the
scene;--who delight in following Guzman d'Alfarache, through all the
mazes of squalid beggary; who with pleasure accompany Don Quixote and his
squire, in the lowest paths of fortune; who are diverted with the
adventures of Scarron's ragged troop of strollers, and highly entertained
with the servile situations of Gil Blas; yet, when a character in humble
life occasionally occurs in a performance of our own growth, exclaim,
with an air of disgust, "Was ever anything so mean! sure, this writer
must have been very conversant with the lowest scenes of life;"--who,
when Swift or Pope represents a coxcomb in the act of swearing, scruple
not to laugh at the ridiculous execrations; but, in a less reputed
author, condemn the use of such profane expletives;--who eagerly explore
the jakes of Rabelais, for amusement, and even extract humour from the
dean's description of a lady's dressing-room; yet in a production of
these days, unstamped with such venerable names, will stop their noses,
with all the signs of loathing and abhorrence, at a bare mention of the
china chamber-pot;--who applauded Catullus, Juvenal, Persius, and Lucan,
for their spirit in lashing the greatest names of antiquity; yet, when a
British satirist, of this generation, has courage enough to call in
question the talents of a pseudo-patron in power, accuse him of
insolence, rancour, and scurrility.
If such you be, courteous reader, I say again, have a little patience;
for your entertainment we are about to write. Our hero shall, with all
convenient despatch, be gradually sublimed into those splendid connexions
of which you are enamoured; and God forbid, that, in the meantime, the
nature of his extraction should turn to his prejudice in a land of
freedom like this, where individuals are every day ennobled in
consequence of their own qualifications, without the least retrospective
regard to the rank or merit of their ancestors. Yes, refined reader, we
are hastening to that goal of perfection, where satire dares not show her
face; where nature is castigated, almost even to still life; where humour
turns changeling, and slavers in an insipid grin; where wit is
volatilised into a mere vapour; where decency, divested of all substance,
hovers about like a fantastic shadow; where the salt of genius, escaping,
leaves nothing but pure and simple phlegm; and the inoffensive pen for
ever drops the mild manna of soul-sweetening praise.
CHAPTER TWO
A SUPERFICIAL VIEW OF OUR HERO'S INFANCY.
Having thus bespoken the indulgence of our guests, let us now produce the
particulars of our entertainment, and speedily conduct our adventurer
through the stage of infancy, which seldom teems with interesting
incidents.
As the occupations of his mother would not conveniently permit her to
suckle this her firstborn at her own breast, and those happy ages were
now no more, in which the charge of nursing a child might be left to the
next goat or she-wolf, she resolved to improve upon the ordinances of
nature, and foster him with a juice much more energetic than the milk of
goat, wolf, or woman; this was no other than that delicious nectar,
which, as we have already hinted, she so cordially distributed from a
small cask that hung before her, depending from her shoulders by a
leathern zone. Thus determined, ere he was yet twelve days old, she
enclosed him in a canvas knapsack, which being adjusted to her neck, fell
down upon her back, and balanced the cargo that rested on her bosom.
There are not wanting those who affirm, that, while her double charge was
carried about in this situation, her keg was furnished with a long and
slender flexible tube, which, when the child began to be clamorous, she
conveyed into his mouth, and straight he stilled himself with sucking;
but this we consider as an extravagant assertion of those who mix the
marvellous in all their narrations, because we cannot conceive how the
tender organs of an infant could digest such a fiery beverage, which
never fails to discompose the constitutions of the most hardy and robust.
We therefore conclude that the use of this potation was more restrained,
and that it was with simple element diluted into a composition adapted to
his taste and years. Be this as it will, he certainly was indulged in
the use of it to such a degree as would have effectually obstructed his
future fortune, had not he been happily cloyed with the repetition of the
same fare, for which he conceived the utmost detestation and abhorrence,
rejecting it with loathing and disgust, like those choice spirits, who,
having been crammed with religion in their childhood, renounce it in
their youth, among other absurd prejudices of education.
While he was thus dangled in a state of suspension, a German trooper was
transiently smit with the charms of his mother, who listened to his
honourable addresses, and once more received the silken bonds of
matrimony; the ceremony having been performed as usual at the drum-head.
The lady had no sooner taken possession of her new name, than she
bestowed it upon her son, who was thenceforward distinguished by the
appellation of Ferdinand de Fadom; nor was the husband offended at this
presumption in his wife, which he not only considered as a proof of her
affection and esteem, but also as a compliment, by which he might in time
acquire the credit of being the real father of such a hopeful child.
Notwithstanding this new engagement with a foreigner, our hero's mother
still exercised the virtues of her calling among the English troops, so
much was she biassed by that laudable partiality, which, as Horace
observes, the natale solum generally inspires. Indeed this inclination
was enforced by another reason, that did not fail to influence her
conduct in this particular; all her knowledge of the High Dutch language
consisted in some words of traffic absolutely necessary for the practice
of hex vocation, together with sundry oaths and terms of reproach, that
kept her customers in awe; so that, except among her own countrymen, she
could not indulge that propensity to conversation, for which she had been
remarkable from her earliest years. Nor did this instance of her
affection fail of turning to her account in the sequel. She was promoted
to the office of cook to a regimental mess of officers; and, before the
peace of Utrecht, was actually in possession of a suttling-tent, pitched
for the accommodation of the gentlemen in the army.
Meanwhile, Ferdinand improved apace in the accomplishments of infancy;
his beauty was conspicuous, and his vigour so uncommon, that he was
with justice likened unto Hercules in the cradle. The friends of his
father-in-law dandled him on their knees, while he played with their
whiskers, and, before he was thirteen months old, taught him to suck
brandy impregnated with gunpowder, through the touch-hole of a pistol.
At the same time, he was caressed by divers serjeants of the British
army, who severally and in secret contemplated his qualifications with a
father's pride, excited by the artful declaration with which the mother
had flattered each apart.
Soon as the war was (for her unhappily) concluded, she, as in duty bound,
followed her husband into Bohemia; and his regiment being sent into
garrison at Prague, she opened a cabaret in that city, which was
frequented by a good many guests of the Scotch and Irish nations, who
were devoted to the exercise of arms in the service of the Emperor. It
was by this communication that the English tongue became vernacular to
young Ferdinand, who, without such opportunity, would have been a
stranger to the language of his forefathers, in spite of all his mother's
loquacity and elocution; though it must be owned, for the credit of her
maternal care, that she let slip no occasion of making it familiar to his
ear and conception; for, even at those intervals in which she could find
no person to carry on the altercation, she used to hold forth in earnest
soliloquies upon the subject of her own situation, giving vent to many
opprobrious invectives against her husband's country, between which and
Old England she drew many odious comparisons; and prayed, without
ceasing, that Europe might speedily be involved in a general war, so as
that she might have some chance of re-enjoying the pleasures and
emoluments of a Flanders campaign.
CHAPTER THREE
HE IS INITIATED IN A MILITARY LIFE, AND HAS THE GOOD FORTUNE TO ACQUIRE A
GENEROUS PATRON.
While she wearied Heaven with these petitions, the flame of war broke out
betwixt the houses of Ottoman and Austria, and the Emperor sent forth an
army into Hungary, under the auspices of the renowned Prince Eugene. On
account of this expedition, the mother of our hero gave up housekeeping,
and cheerfully followed her customers and husband into the field; having
first provided herself with store of those commodities in which she had
formerly merchandised. Although the hope of profit might in some measure
affect her determination, one of the chief motives for her visiting the
frontiers of Turkey, was the desire of initiating her son in the
rudiments of his education, which she now thought high time to inculcate,
he being, at this period, in the sixth year of his age; he was
accordingly conducted to the camp, which she considered as the most
consummate school of life, and proposed for the scene of his instruction;
and in this academy he had not continued many weeks, when he was an
eye-witness of that famous victory, which, with sixty thousand men, the
Imperial general obtained over an army of one hundred and fifty thousand
Turks.
His father-in-law was engaged, and his mother would not be idle on this
occasion. She was a perfect mistress of all the camp qualifications, and
thought it a duty incumbent on her to contribute all that lay in her
power towards distressing the enemy. With these sentiments she hovered
about the skirts of the army, and the troops were no sooner employed in
the pursuit, than she began to traverse the field of battle with a
poignard and a bag, in order to consult her own interest, annoy the foe,
and exercise her humanity at the same time. In short, she had, with
amazing prowess, delivered some fifty or threescore disabled Mussulmen of
the pain under which they groaned, and made a comfortable booty of the
spoils of the slain, when her eyes were attracted by the rich attire of
an Imperial officer, who lay bleeding on the plain, to all appearance in
the agonies of death.
She could not in her heart refuse that favour to a friend and Christian
she had so compassionately bestowed upon so many enemies and infidels,
and therefore drew near with the sovereign remedy, which she had already
administered with such success. As she approached this deplorable object
of pity, her ears were surprised with an ejaculation in the English
tongue, which he fervently pronounced, though with a weak and languid
voice, recommending his soul to God, and his family to the protection of
Heaven. Our Amazon's purpose was staggered by this providential
incident; the sound of her native language, so unexpectedly heard, and so
pathetically delivered, had a surprising effect upon her imagination; and
the faculty of reflection did not forsake her in such emergency. Though
she could not recollect the features of this unhappy officer, she
concluded, from his appearance, that he was some person of distinction in
the service, and foresaw greater advantage to herself in attempting to
preserve his life, than she could possibly reap from the execution of her
first resolve. "If," said she to herself, "I can find means of conveying
him to his tent alive, he cannot but in conscience acknowledge my
humanity with some considerable recompense; and, should he chance to
survive his wounds, I have everything to expect from his gratitude and
power."
Fraught with these prudential suggestions, she drew near the unfortunate
stranger, and, in a softened accent of pity and condolence, questioned
him concerning his name, condition, and the nature of his mischance, at
the same time making a gentle tender of her service. Agreeably surprised
to hear himself accosted in such a manner, by a person whose equipage
seemed to promise far other designs, he thanked her in the most grateful
terms for her humanity, with the appellation of kind countrywoman; gave
her to understand that he was colonel of a regiment of horse; that he had
fallen in consequence of a shot he received in his breast at the
beginning of the action; and, finally, entreated her to procure some
carriage on which he might be removed to his tent. Perceiving him faint
and exhausted with loss of blood, she raised up his head, and treated him
with that cordial which was her constant companion. At that instant,
espying a small body of hussars returning to the camp with the plunder
they had taken, she invoked their assistance, and they forthwith carried
the officer to his own quarters, where his wound was dressed, and his
preserver carefully tended him until his recovery was completed.
In return for these good offices, this gentleman, who was originally of
Scotland, rewarded her for the present with great liberality, assured her
of his influence in promoting her husband, and took upon himself the
charge of young Ferdinand's education; the boy was immediately taken into
his protection, and entered as a trooper in his own regiment; but his
good intentions towards his father-in-law were frustrated by the death of
the German, who, in a few days after this disposition, was shot in the
trenches before Temiswaer.
This event, over and above the conjugal affliction with which it invaded
the lady's quiet, would have involved her in infinite difficulty and
distress, with regard to her temporal concerns, by leaving her
unprotected in the midst of strangers, had not she been thus
providentially supplied with an effectual patron in the colonel, who was
known by the appellation of Count Melvil. He no sooner saw her, by the
death of her husband, detached from all personal connexions with a
military life, than he proposed that she should quit her occupation in
the camp, and retire to his habitation in the city of Presburg, where she
would be entertained in ease and plenty during the remaining part of her
natural life. With all due acknowledgments of his generosity, she begged
to be excused from embracing his proposal, alleging she was so much
accustomed to her present way of life, and so much devoted to the service
of the soldiery, that she should never be happy in retirement, while the
troops of any prince in Christendom kept the field.
The Count, finding her determined to prosecute her scheme, repeated his
promise of befriending her upon all occasions; and in the meantime
admitted Ferdinand into the number of his domestics, resolving that he
should be brought up in attendance upon his own son, who was a boy of the
same age. He kept him, however, in his tent, until he should have an
opportunity of revisiting his family in person; and, before that occasion
offered, two whole years elapsed, during which the illustrious Prince
Eugene gained the celebrated battle of Belgrade, and afterwards made
himself master of that important frontier.
CHAPTER FOUR
HIS MOTHER'S PROWESS AND DEATH; TOGETHER WITH SOME INSTANCES OF HIS OWN
SAGACITY.
It would have been impossible for the mother of our adventurer, such as
she hath been described, to sit quietly in her tent, while such an heroic
scene was acting. She was no sooner apprised of the general's intention
to attack the enemy, than she, as usual, packed up her moveables in a
waggon, which she committed to the care of a peasant in the
neighbourhood, and put herself in motion with the troops; big with the
expectation of re-acting that part in which she had formerly acquitted
herself so much to her advantage.--Nay, she by this time looked upon her
own presence as a certain omen of success to the cause which she
espoused; and, in their march to battle, actually encouraged the ranks
with repeated declarations, importing, that she had been eye-witness of
ten decisive engagements, in all of which her friends had been
victorious, and imputing such uncommon good fortune to some supernatural
quality inherent in her person.
Whether or not this confidence contributed to the fortune of the day, by
inspiring the soldiers to an uncommon pitch of courage and resolution, I
shall not pretend to determine. But, certain it is, the victory began
from that quarter in which she had posted herself; and no corps in the
army behaved with such intrepidity as that which was manifested by those
who were favoured with her admonitions and example; for she not only
exposed her person to the enemy's fire, with the indifference and
deliberation of a veteran, but she is said to have achieved a very
conspicuous exploit by the prowess of her single arm. The extremity of
the line to which she had attached herself, being assaulted in flank by a
body of the spahis, wheeled about, in order to sustain the charge, and
received them with such a seasonable fire, as brought a great number of
turbans to the ground; among those who fell, was one of the chiefs or
agas, who had advanced before the rest, with a view to signalise his
valour.
Our English Penthesilea no sooner saw this Turkish leader drop, than,
struck with the magnificence of his own and horse's trappings, she sprung
forward to seize them as her prize, and found the aga not dead, though in
a good measure disabled by his misfortune, which was entirely owing to
the weight of his horse, that, having been killed by a musket-ball, lay
upon his leg, so that he could not disengage himself. Nevertheless,
perceiving the virago approach with fell intent, he brandished his
symitar, and tried to intimidate his assailant with a most horrible
exclamation; but it was not the dismal yell of a dismounted cavalier,
though enforced with a hideous ferocity of countenance, and the menacing
gestures with which he waited her approach, that could intimidate such an
undaunted she-campaigner; she saw him writhing in the agonies of a
situation from which he could not move; and, running towards him with the
nimbleness and intrepidity of a Camilla, described a semicircle in the
progress of her assault, and attacking him on one side, plunged her
well-tried dagger in his throat. The shades of death encompassed him,
his life-blood issued at the wound, he fell prone upon the earth, he bit
the dust, and having thrice invoked the name of Allah! straight expired.
While his destiny was thus fulfilled, his followers began to reel; they
seemed dismayed at the fate of their chief, beheld their companions drop
like the leaves in autumn, and suddenly halted in the midst of their
career. The Imperialists, observing the confusion of the enemy,
redoubled their fire; and, raising a dreadful shout, advanced in order to
improve the advantage they had gained. The spahis durst not wait the
shock of such an encounter; they wheeled to the right-about, and clapping
spurs to their horses, fled in the utmost disorder. This was actually
the circumstance that turned the scale of battle. The Austrians pursued
their good fortune with uncommon impetuosity, and in a few minutes left
the field clear for the mother of our hero, who was such an adept in the
art of stripping, that in the twinkling of an eye the bodies of the aga
and his Arabian lay naked to the skin. It would have been happy for her,
had she been contented with these first-fruits, reaped from the fortune
of the day, and retired with her spoils, which were not inconsiderable;
but, intoxicated with the glory she had won, enticed by the glittering
caparisons that lay scattered on the plain, and without doubt prompted by
the secret instinct of her fate, she resolved to seize opportunity by the
forelock, and once for all indemnify herself for the many fatigues,
hazards, and sorrows she had undergone.