The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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My only comfort is, that now
My dubbolt fortune is so low,
That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again and mend.
"And now, to return from this digression, you will perhaps be surprised
to hear that the head or chairman of our club is really a sovereign
prince; no less, I'll assure you, than the celebrated Theodore king of
Corsica, who lies in prison for a debt of a few hundred pounds. Heu!
quantum mutatus ab illo. It is not my business to censure the conduct of
my superiors; but I always speak my mind in a cavalier manner, and as,
according to the Spectator, talking to a friend is no more than thinking
aloud, entre nous, his Corsican majesty has been scurvily treated by a
certain administration. Be that as it will, he is a personage of a very
portly appearance, and is quite master of the bienseance. Besides, they
will find it their interest to have recourse again to his alliance; and
in that case some of us may expect to profit by his restoration. But few
words are best.
"He that maintains the second rank in our assembly is one Major
Macleaver, an Irish gentleman, who has served abroad; a soldier of
fortune, sir, a man of unquestionable honour and courage, but a little
overbearing, in consequence of his knowledge and experience. He is a
person of good address,--to be sure, and quite free of the mauvaise
honte, and he may have seen a good deal of service. But what then? other
people may be as good as he, though they have not had such opportunities;
if he speaks five or six languages, he does not pretend to any taste in
the liberal arts, which are the criterion of an accomplished gentleman.
"The next is Sir Mungo Barebones, the representative of a very ancient
family in the north; his affairs are very much deranged, but he is a
gentleman of great probity and learning, and at present engaged in a very
grand scheme, which, if he can bring it to bear, will render him famous
to all posterity; no less than the conversion of the Jews and the
Gentiles. The project, I own, looks chimerical to one who has not
conversed with the author; but, in my opinion, he has clearly
demonstrated, from an anagrammatical analysis of a certain Hebrew word,
that his present Majesty, whom God preserve, is the person pointed at in
Scripture as the temporal Messiah of the Jews; and, if he could once
raise by subscription such a trifling sum as twelve hundred thousand
pounds, I make no doubt but he would accomplish his aim, vast and
romantic as it seems to be.
"Besides these, we have another messmate, who is a French chevalier, an
odd sort of a man, a kind of Lazarillo de Tormes, a caricatura; he wears
a long beard, pretends to be a great poet, and makes a d---ed fracas with
his verses. The king has been obliged to exert his authority over him
more than once, by ordering him into close confinement, for which he was
so rash as to send his majesty a challenge; but he afterwards made his
submission, and was again taken into favour. The truth is, I believe his
brain is a little disordered, and, he being a stranger, we overlook his
extravagancies.
"Sir, we shall think ourselves happy in your accession to our society.
You will be under no sort of restraint; for, though we dine at one table,
every individual calls and pays for his own mess. Our conversation, such
as it is, will not, I hope, be disagreeable; and though we have not
opportunities of breathing the pure Arcadian air, and cannot, 'under the
shade of melancholy boughs, lose and neglect the creeping hours of time,'
we may enjoy ourselves over a glass of punch or a dish of tea. Nor are
we destitute of friends, who visit us in these shades of distress. The
major has a numerous acquaintance of both sexes; among others, a first
cousin of good fortune, who, with her daughters, often cheer our
solitude; she is a very sensible ladylike gentlewoman, and the young
ladies have a certain degagee air, that plainly shows they have seen the
best company. Besides, I will venture to recommend Mrs. Minikin as a
woman of tolerable breeding and capacity, who, I hope, will not be found
altogether deficient in the accomplishments of the sex. So that we find
means to make little parties, in which the time glides away insensibly.
Then I have a small collection of books which are at your service. You
may amuse yourself with Shakespeare, or Milton, or Don Quixote, or any of
our modern authors that are worth reading, such as the Adventures of
Loveill, Lady Frail, George Edwards, Joe Thompson, Bampfylde Moore Carew,
Young Scarron, and Miss Betsy Thoughtless; and if you have a taste for
drawing, I can entertain you with a parcel of prints by the best
masters."
A man of our hero's politeness could not help expressing himself in the
warmest terms of gratitude for this courteous declaration. He thanked
the captain in particular for his obliging offers, and begged he would be
so good as to present his respects to the society, of which he longed to
be a member. It was determined, therefore, that Minikin should return in
an hour, when the Count would be dressed, in order to conduct him into
the presence of his majesty; and he had already taken his leave for the
present, when all of a sudden he came back, and taking hold of a
waistcoat that lay upon a chair, "Sir," said he, "give me leave to look
at that fringe; I think it is the most elegant knitting I ever saw. But
pray, sir, are not these quite out of fashion? I thought plain silk,
such as this that I wear, had been the mode, with the pockets very low."
Before Fathom had time to make any sort of reply, he took notice of his
hat and pumps; the first of which, he said, was too narrow in the brims,
and the last an inch too low in the heels. Indeed, they formed a
remarkable contrast with his own; for, exclusive of the fashion of the
cock, which resembled the form of a Roman galley, the brim of his hat, if
properly spread, would have projected a shade sufficient to shelter a
whole file of musketeers from the heat of a summer's sun; and the heels
of his shoes were so high as to raise his feet three inches at least from
the surface of the earth.
Having made these observations, for the credit of his taste, he retired,
and returning at the time appointed, accompanied Ferdinand to the
apartment of the king, at the doors of which their ears were invaded with
a strange sound, being that of a human voice imitating the noise of a
drum. The captain, hearing this alarm, made a full stop, and, giving the
Count to understand that his majesty was busy, begged he would not take
it amiss, if the introduction should be delayed for a few moments.
Fathom, curious to know the meaning of what he had heard, applied to his
guide for information, and learned that the king and the major, whom he
had nominated to the post of his general-in-chief, were employed in
landing troops upon the Genoese territory; that is, that they were
settling beforehand the manner of their disembarkation.
He then, by the direction of his conductor, reconnoitred them through the
keyhole, and perceived the sovereign and his minister sitting on opposite
sides of a deal board table, covered with a large chart or map, upon
which he saw a great number of mussel and oyster shells ranged in a
certain order, and, at a little distance, several regular squares and
columns made of cards cut in small pieces. The prince himself, whose
eyes were reinforced by spectacles, surveyed this armament with great
attention, while the general put the whole in action, and conducted their
motions by beat of drum. The mussel-shells, according to Minikin's
explanation, represented the transports, the oyster-shells were
considered as the men-of-war that covered the troops in landing, and the
pieces of card exhibited the different bodies into which the army was
formed upon its disembarkation.
As an affair of such consequence could not be transacted without
opposition, they had provided divers ambuscades, consisting of the enemy,
whom they represented by grey peas; and accordingly General Macleaver,
perceiving the said grey peas marching along shore to attack his forces
before they could be drawn up in battalia, thus addressed himself to the
oyster-shells, in an audible voice:--"You men-of-war, don't you see the
front of the enemy advancing, and the rest of the detachment following
out of sight? Arrah! the devil burn you, why don't you come ashore and
open your batteries?" So saying, he pushed the shells towards the
breach, performed the cannonading with his voice, the grey peas were soon
put in confusion, the general was beat, the cards marched forwards in
order of battle, and the enemy having retreated with great precipitation,
they took possession of their ground without farther difficulty.
CHAPTER FORTY
HE CONTEMPLATES MAJESTY AND ITS SATELLITES IN ECLIPSE.
This expedition being happily finished, General Macleaver put the whole
army, navy, transports, and scene of action into a canvas bag, the prince
unsaddled his nose, and Captain Minikin being admitted, our hero was
introduced in form. Very gracious was the reception he met with from his
majesty, who, with a most princely demeanour, welcomed him to court, and
even seated him on his right hand, in token of particular regard. True
it is, this presence-chamber was not so superb, nor the appearance of the
king so magnificent, as to render such an honour intoxicating to any
person of our hero's coolness and discretion. In lieu of tapestry, the
apartment was hung with halfpenny ballads, a truckle-bed without curtains
supplied the place of a canopy, and instead of a crown his majesty wore a
woollen night-cap. Yet, in spite of these disadvantages, there was an
air of dignity in his deportment, and a nice physiognomist would have
perceived something majestic in the features of his countenance.
He was certainly a personage of very prepossessing mien; his manners were
engaging, his conversation agreeable, and any man whose heart was subject
to the meltings of humanity would have deplored his distress, and looked
upon him as a most pathetic instance of that miserable reverse to which
all human grandeur is exposed. His fall was even greater than that of
Belisarius, who, after having obtained many glorious victories over the
enemies of his country, is said to have been reduced to such extremity of
indigence, that, in his old age, when he was deprived of his eyesight, he
sat upon the highway like a common mendicant, imploring the charity of
passengers in the piteous exclamation of Date obolum Belisario; that is,
"Spare a farthing to your poor old soldier Belisarius." I say, this
general's disgrace was not so remarkable as that of Theodore, because he
was the servant of Justinian, consequently his fortune depended upon the
nod of that emperor; whereas the other actually possessed the throne of
sovereignty by the best of all titles, namely, the unanimous election of
the people over whom he reigned; and attracted the eyes of all Europe, by
the efforts he made in breaking the bands of oppression, and vindicating
that liberty which is the birthright of man.
The English of former days, alike renowned for generosity and valour,
treated those hostile princes, whose fate it was to wear their chains,
with such delicacy of benevolence, as even dispelled the horrors of
captivity; but their posterity of this refined age feel no compunction at
seeing an unfortunate monarch, their former friend, ally, and partisan,
languish amidst the miseries of a loathsome jail, for a paltry debt
contracted in their own service. But, moralising apart, our hero had not
long conversed with this extraordinary debtor, who in his present
condition assumed no other title than that of Baron, than he perceived in
him a spirit of Quixotism, which all his experience, together with the
vicissitudes of his fortune, had not been able to overcome. Not that his
ideas soared to such a pitch of extravagant hope as that which took
possession of his messmates, who frequently quarrelled one with another
about the degrees of favour to which they should be entitled after the
king's restoration; but he firmly believed that affairs would speedily
take such a turn in Italy, as would point out to the English court the
expediency of employing him again; and his persuasion seemed to support
him against every species of poverty and mortification.
While they were busy in trimming the balance of power on the other side
of the Alps, their deliberations were interrupted by the arrival of a
scullion, who came to receive their orders touching the bill of fare for
dinner, and his majesty found much more difficulty in settling this
important concern, than in compromising all the differences between the
Emperor and the Queen of Spain. At length, however, General Macleaver
undertook the office of purveyor for his prince; Captain Minikin insisted
upon treating the Count; and in a little time the table was covered with
a cloth, which, for the sake of my delicate readers, I will not attempt
to describe.
At this period they were joined by Sir Mungo Barebones, who, having found
means to purchase a couple of mutton chops, had cooked a mess of broth,
which he now brought in a saucepan to the general rendezvous. This was
the most remarkable object which had hitherto presented itself to the
eyes of Fathom. Being naturally of a meagre habit, he was, by indigence
and hard study, wore almost to the bone, and so bended towards the earth,
that in walking his body described at least 150 degrees of a circle. The
want of stockings and shoes he supplied with a jockey straight boot and
an half jack. His thighs and middle were cased in a monstrous pair of
brown trunk breeches, which the keeper bought for his use from the
executor of a Dutch seaman who had lately died in the jail. His shirt
retained no signs of its original colour, his body was shrouded in an old
greasy tattered plaid nightgown; a blue and white handkerchief surrounded
his head, and his looks betokened that immense load of care which he had
voluntarily incurred for the eternal salvation of sinners. Yet this
figure, uncouth as it was, made his compliments to our adventurer in
terms of the most elegant address, and, in the course of conversation,
disclosed a great fund of valuable knowledge. He had appeared in the
great world, and borne divers offices of dignity and trust with universal
applause. His courage was undoubted, his morals were unimpeached, and
his person held in great veneration and esteem; when his evil genius
engaged him in the study of Hebrew, and the mysteries of the Jewish
religion, which fairly disordered his brain, and rendered him incapable
of managing his temporal affairs. When he ought to have been employed in
the functions of his post, he was always wrapt in visionary conferences
with Moses on the Mount; rather than regulate the economy of his
household, he chose to exert his endeavours in settling the precise
meaning of the word Elohim; and having discovered that now the period was
come, when the Jews and Gentiles would be converted, he postponed every
other consideration, in order to facilitate that great and glorious
event.
By this time Ferdinand had seen every member of the club, except the
French chevalier, who seemed to be quite neglected by the society; for
his name was not once mentioned during this communication, and they sat
down to dinner, without asking whether he was dead or alive. The king
regaled himself with a plate of ox-cheek; the major, who complained that
his appetite had forsaken him, amused himself with some forty hard eggs,
malaxed with salt butter; the knight indulged upon his soup and bouilli,
and the captain entertained our adventurer with a neck of veal roasted
with potatoes; but before Fathom could make use of his knife and fork, he
was summoned to the door, where he found the chevalier in great
agitation, his eyes sparkling like coals of fire.
Our hero was not a little surprised at this apparition, who, having asked
pardon for the freedom he had used, observed, that, understanding the
Count was a foreigner, he could not dispense with appealing to him
concerning an outrage he had suffered from the keeper, who, without any
regard to his rank or misfortunes, had been base enough to refuse him
credit for a few necessaries, until he could have a remittance from his
steward in France; he therefore conjured Count Fathom, as a stranger and
nobleman like himself, to be the messenger of defiance, which he resolved
to send to that brutal jailor, that, for the future, he might learn to
make proper distinctions in the exercise of his function.
Fathom, who had no inclination to offend this choleric Frenchman, assured
him that he might depend upon his friendship; and, in the meantime,
prevailed upon him to accept of a small supply, in consequence of which
he procured a pound of sausages, and joined the rest of the company
without delay; making a very suitable addition to such an assemblage of
rarities. Though his age did not exceed thirty years, his beard, which
was of a brindled hue, flowed down, like Aaron's, to his middle. Upon
his legs he wore red stockings rolled up over the joint of the knee, his
breeches were of blue drab, with vellum button-holes, and garters of gold
lace, his waistcoat of scarlet, his coat of rusty black cloth, his hair,
twisted into a ramilie, hung down to his rump, of the colour of jet, and
his hat was adorned with a white feather.
This original had formed many ingenious schemes to increase the glory and
grandeur of France, but was discouraged by Cardinal Fleury, who, in all
appearance, jealous of his great talents, not only rejected his projects,
but even sent him to prison, on pretence of being offended at his
impertinence. Perceiving that, like the prophet, he had no honour in his
own country, he no sooner obtained his release, than he retired to
England, where he was prompted by his philanthropy to propose an
expedient to our ministry, which would have saved a vast effusion of
blood and treasure; this was an agreement between the Queen of Hungary
and the late Emperor, to decide their pretensions by a single combat; in
which case he offered himself as the Bavarian champion; but in this
endeavour he also proved unsuccessful. Then turning his attention to the
delights of poetry, he became so enamoured of the muse, that he neglected
every other consideration, and she as usual gradually conducted him to
the author's never-failing goal--a place of rest appointed for all those
sinners whom the profane love of poesy hath led astray.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
ONE QUARREL IS COMPROMISED, AND ANOTHER DECIDED BY UNUSUAL ARMS.
Among other topics of conversation that were discussed at this genial
meeting, Sir Mungo's scheme was brought upon the carpet by his majesty,
who was graciously pleased to ask how his subscription filled? To this
interrogation the knight answered, that he met with great opposition from
a spirit of levity and self-conceit, which seemed to prevail in this
generation, but that no difficulties should discourage him from
persevering in his duty; and he trusted in God, that, in a very little
time, he should be able to confute and overthrow the false philosophy of
the moderns, and to restore the writings of Moses to that pre-eminence
and veneration which is due to an inspired author. He spoke of the
immortal Newton with infinite contempt, and undertook to extract from the
Pentateuch a system of chronology which would ascertain the progress of
time since the fourth day of the creation to the present hour, with such
exactness, that not one vibration of a pendulum should be lost; nay, he
affirmed that the perfection of all arts and sciences might be attained
by studying these secret memoirs, and that he himself did not despair of
learning from them the art of transmuting baser metals into gold.
The chevalier, though he did not pretend to contradict these assertions,
was too much attached to his own religion to acquiesce in the knight's
project of converting the Jews and the Gentiles to the Protestant heresy,
which, he said, God Almighty would never suffer to triumph over the
interests of his own Holy Catholic Church. This objection produced
abundance of altercation between two very unequal disputants; and the
Frenchman, finding himself puzzled by the learning of his antagonist, had
recourse to the argumentum ad hominem, by laying his hand upon his sword,
and declaring that he was ready to lose the last drop of his blood in
opposition to such a damnable scheme.
Sir Mungo, though in all appearance reduced to the last stage of animal
existence, no sooner heard this epithet applied to his plan, than his
eyes gleamed like lightning, he sprung from his seat with the agility of
a grasshopper, and, darting himself out at the door like an arrow from a
bow, reappeared in a moment with a long rusty weapon, which might have
been shown among a collection of rarities as the sword of Guy Earl of
Warwick. This implement he brandished over the chevalier's head with the
dexterity of an old prize-fighter, exclaiming, in the French language,
"Thou art a profane wretch marked out for the vengeance of Heaven, whose
unworthy minister I am, and here thou shalt fall by the sword of the Lord
and of Gideon."
The chevalier, unterrified by this dreadful salutation, desired he would
accompany him to a more convenient place; and the world might have been
deprived of one or both these knights-errant, had not General Macleaver,
at the desire of his majesty, interposed, and found means to bring
matters to an accommodation.
In the afternoon the society was visited by the major's cousin and her
daughters, who no sooner appeared than they were recognised by our
adventurer, and his acquaintance with them renewed in such a manner as
alarmed the delicacy of Captain Minikin, who in the evening repaired to
the Count's apartment, and with a formal physiognomy, accosted him in
these words: "Sir, I beg pardon for this intrusion, but I come to consult
you about an affair in which my honour is concerned; and a soldier
without honour, you know, is no better than a body without a soul. I
have always admired that speech of Hotspur in the first part of Henry the
Fourth:
By Heaven, methinks it were an easy leap,
To pluck bright honour from the pale-fac'd moon;
Or dive into the bottom of the deep,
Where fathom-line could never touch the ground,
And pluck up drowned honour by the locks--
"There is a boldness and ease in the expression, and the images are very
picturesque. But, without any further preamble, pray, sir, give me leave
to ask how long you have been acquainted with those ladies who drank tea
with us this afternoon. You'll forgive the question, sir, when I tell
you that Major Macleaver introduced Mrs. Minikin to them as to ladies of
character, and, I don't know how, sir, I have a sort of presentiment that
my wife has been imposed upon. Perhaps I may be mistaken, and God grant
I may. But there was a je ne sais quoi in their behaviour to-day, which
begins to alarm my suspicion. Sir, I have nothing but my reputation to
depend upon, and I hope you will excuse me, when I earnestly beg to know
what rank they maintain in life."
Fathom, without minding the consequence, told him, with a simper, that he
knew them to be very good-natured ladies, who devoted themselves to the
happiness of mankind. This explanation had no sooner escaped from his
lips, than the captain's face began to glow with indignation, his eyes
seemed bursting from their spheres, he swelled to twice his natural
dimensions, and, raising himself on his tiptoes, pronounced, in a strain
that emulated thunder, "Blood! sir, you seem to make very light of the
matter, but it is no joke to me, I'll assure you, and Macleaver shall see
that I am not to be affronted with impunity. Sir, I shall take it as a
singular favour if you will be the bearer of a billet to him, which I
shall write in three words; nay, sir, you must give me leave to insist
upon it, as you are the only gentleman of our mess whom I can intrust
with an affair of this nature."
Fathom, rather than run the risk of disobliging such a punctilious
warrior, after having in vain attempted to dissuade him from his purpose,
undertook to carry the challenge, which was immediately penned in these
words:
"SIR,--You have violated my honour in imposing upon Mrs. Minikin your
pretended cousins as ladies of virtue and reputation. I therefore demand
such satisfaction as a soldier ought to receive, and expect you will
adjust with my friend Count Fathom the terms upon which you shall be met
by the much injured GOLIAH MINIKIN."
This morceau being sealed and directed, was forthwith carried by our
adventurer to the lodgings of the major, who had by this time retired to
rest, but hearing the Count's voice, he got up and opened the door in
cuerpo, to the astonishment of Ferdinand, who had never before seen such
an Herculean figure. He made an apology for receiving the Count in his
birthday suit, to which he said he was reduced by the heat of his
constitution, though he might have assigned a more adequate cause, by
owning that his shirt was in the hands of his washerwoman; then shrouding
himself in a blanket, desired to know what had procured him the honour of
such an extraordinary visit. He read the letter with great composure,
like a man accustomed to such intercourse; then addressing himself to the
bearer, "I will be after diverting the gentleman," said he, "in any
manner he shall think proper; but, by Jesus, this is no place for such
amusements, because, as you well know, my dear Count, if both should be
killed by the chance of war, neither of us will be able to escape, and
after the breath is out of his body, he will make but a sorry excuse to
his family and friends. But that is no concern of mine, and therefore I
am ready to please him in his own way."