The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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The whole mystery of the art was reduced to the simple exercise of
tossing up a guinea, and the lust of laying wagers, which they indulged
to a surprising pitch of ridiculous intemperance. In one corner of the
room might be heard a pair of lordlings running their grandmothers
against each other, that is, betting sums on the longest liver; in
another the success of the wager depended upon the sex of the landlady's
next child; and one of the waiters happening to drop down in an
apoplectic fit, a certain noble peer exclaimed, "Dead for a thousand
pounds." The challenge was immediately accepted; and when the master of
the house sent for a surgeon to attempt the cure, the nobleman, who set
the price upon the patient's head, insisted upon his being left to the
efforts of nature alone, otherwise the wager should be void. Nay, when
the landlord harped upon the loss he should sustain by the death of a
trusty servant, his lordship obviated the objection, by desiring that the
fellow might be charged in the bill.
In short, the rage of gaming seemed to have devoured all their other
faculties, and to have equalled the rash enthusiasm of the inhabitants of
Malacca in the East Indies, who are so possessed with that pernicious
spirit, that they sacrifice to it not only their fortunes, but also their
wives and children; and then letting their hair down upon their
shoulders, in imitation of the ancient Lacedaemonians when they devoted
themselves to death, those wretches unsheathe their daggers, and murder
every living creature in their way. In this, however, they differ from
the gamesters of our country, who never find their senses, until they
have lost their fortunes, and beggared their families; whereas the Malays
never run amuck, but in consequence of misery and despair.
Such are the amusements, or rather such is the continual employment of
those hopeful youths who are destined by birth to be the judges of our
property, and pillars of our constitution. Such are the heirs and
representatives of those patriots who planned, and those heroes who
maintained, the laws and freedom of their country; who were the patrons
of merit, the fathers of the poor, the terror of vice and immorality, and
at once the ornaments and support of a happy nation.
Our adventurer considered all these circumstances with his wonted
sagacity, and, seeing upon what precarious footing he must stand, should
he rank himself with such society, he wisely came to the resolution of
descending one step in the degrees of life, and of taking upon him the
title of physician, under which he did not despair of insinuating himself
into the pockets of his patients, and into the secrets of private
families, so as to acquire a comfortable share of practice, or captivate
the heart of some heiress or rich widow, whose fortune would at once
render him independent and happy.
After this determination, his next care was to concert measures for his
first appearance in this new character; well knowing, that the success of
a physician, in a great measure, depends upon the external equipage in
which he first declares himself an adept in the healing art. He first of
all procured a few books on the subject of medicine, which he studied
with great attention during the remaining part of the winter and spring,
and repaired to Tunbridge with the first of the season, where he appeared
in the uniform of Aesculapius, namely, a plain suit, full trimmed, with a
voluminous tie-periwig; believing that in this place he might glide, as
it were, imperceptibly into the functions of his new employment, and
gradually accustom himself to the method and form of prescription.
A man so well known in the gay world could not be supposed to effect such
a transformation without being observed; and therefore, in order to
anticipate the censure and ridicule of those who might be tempted to make
themselves merry at his expense, he, on his arrival at the wells,
repaired to the shop of an apothecary, and calling for pen, ink, and
paper, wrote a prescription, which he desired might be immediately made
up. While this was doing by the servant, he was invited into a parlour
by the master, with whom he entered into conversation touching the
properties of the Tunbridge water, which seemed to have been his
particular study; and indeed he had perused Rouzee's treatise on that
subject with indefatigable assiduity. From this theme, he made
digressions into other parts of medicine, upon which he spoke with such
plausible elocution, that the apothecary, whose knowledge in that art was
not very profound, looked upon him as a physician of great learning and
experience, and hinted a desire of knowing his name and situation.
Fathom accordingly gave him to understand, that he had studied physic,
and taken his degrees at Padua, rather for his amusement, than with any
view of exercising medicine, as he then could not possibly foresee the
misfortunes which had since happened to his family, and by which he was
now compelled to have recourse to a profession that was very much beneath
the expectations of his birth. Yet he bore his disappointments with
resignation, and even good-humour, and blessed his stars for having
inclined him to the study of any branch of knowledge by which he might be
enabled to laugh at the vicissitudes of fortune. He then observed, that
he had practised with some applause at the hot well near Bristol, before
he thought he should be ever reduced to the necessity of taking a fee,
and that, in all probability, his metamorphosis, when known, would
furnish matter of surprise and merriment to some of his old acquaintance.
The apothecary was equally struck with his polite address, and pleased
with his agreeable discourse. He consoled him for the misfortunes of his
family, by assuring him, that in England nothing could be more
honourable, or indeed profitable, than the character of a physician,
provided he could once wriggle himself into practice; and insinuated,
that, although he was restricted by certain engagements with other
persons of the faculty, he should be glad of an opportunity to show his
regard for Doctor Fathom. This was a very effectual method which our
hero took to intimate his new character to the public. By the industry
and communicative disposition of the apothecary, it was circulated in
half a day through every family in the place; and, next morning, when
Ferdinand appeared, the company forthwith assembled in separate groups,
and from each knot he heard his name reverberated in a whisper.
Having thus announced himself to all whom it might concern, and allowed
the ladies two days to discuss the merit of his transfiguration, together
with the novelty of the case, he ventured to salute, at a distance, a
lady and her daughter, who had been his patients at the hot well; and,
although they honoured his bow with the return of a slight curtsey, they
gave him not the least encouragement to make a nearer approach.
Notwithstanding this rebuff, he concluded, that, should the health of
either come in question, they would renew their application to his skill,
and what was refused by their pride would be granted by their
apprehension. Here, however, he happened to be mistaken in his
conjecture.
The young lady being seized with a violent headache and palpitation, her
mother desired the apothecary to recommend a physician; and the person
with whom he was contracted being at that time absent, he proposed Doctor
Fathom as a man of great ability and discretion. But the good lady
rejected the proposal with disdain, because she had formerly known him in
the character of a Count--though that very character was the chief reason
that had then induced her to crave his advice.
Such is the caprice of the world in general, that whatever bears the face
of novelty captivates, or rather bewitches, the imagination, and
confounds the ideas of reason and common sense. If, for example, a
scullion, from the clinking of pewter, shall conceive a taste for the
clinking of rhyme, and make shift to bring together twenty syllables, so
as that the tenth and last shall have the like ending, the composition is
immediately extolled as a miracle; and what appeals to the admiration is
not the wit, the elegance, or poetry of the work, but the uncultivated
talent and humble station of the author. A reader does not exclaim,
"What a delicate sentiment! what a beautiful simile! what easy and
musical versification!"--but cries in rapture, "Heavens! what a prodigy a
poet from the scullery! a muse in livery! or, Apollo with a trowel!"--The
public is astonished into liberality--the scullion eats from those
trenchers he scoured before--the footman is admitted into the coach
behind which he was wont to stand--and the bricklayer, instead of
plastering walls, bedaubs his illustrious partner with the mortar of his
praise. Thus, lifted into a higher sphere, their talents receive
cultivation; they become professed bards, and though their subsequent
works bear evident marks of improvement, they are neglected among the
rest of their brethren, because that novelty, which recommended them in
the beginning, no longer remains.
So it fared with our adventurer in his new occupation. There was
something so extraordinary in a nobleman's understanding medicine, and so
uncommon in a physician's prescribing gratis, that the curiosity and
admiration of the company at Bristol were engaged, and they followed his
advice, as the direction of some supernatural intelligence. But, now
that he professed himself one of the faculty, and might be supposed to
have refreshed his memory, and reinforced his knowledge for the occasion,
he was as much overlooked as any other physician unsupported by interest
or cabal; or, at least, the notice he attracted was not at all to the
advantage of his character, because it wholly regarded the decline of his
fortune, which is a never-failing fund of disgrace.
These mortifications did not overcome the patience and perseverance of
Fathom, who foresaw, that the soothing hand of time would cast a veil of
oblivion over those scenes which were remembered to his prejudice; and
that, in the meantime, though he was excluded from the private parties of
the fair sex, in which his main hope of success was placed, he should be
able to insinuate himself into some degree of favour and practice among
the male patients; and some lucky cure, properly displayed, might be the
means of propagating his fame, and banishing that reserve which at
present interfered with his purpose. Accordingly, it was not long before
he found means to break that spell of universal prejudice that hedged him
in. At the ordinary which he frequented, his polite carriage, facetious
remarks, and agreeable stories soon conciliated the regard of his
fellow-guests, among whom he sometimes rallied his own transformation
with singular good-humour and success. He was even witty upon his want
of employment, and used to observe, that a physician without practice
had one comfort to which his brethren were strangers, namely, that the
seldomer he had occasion to prescribe, the less he had upon his
conscience on account of being accessory to the death of his
fellow-creatures.
Nothing so effectually blunts the shafts of ridicule, and defeats the
aims of slander, as this method of anticipation. In spite of the arrows
that were levelled against his reputation from every tea-table at
Tunbridge, he made his party good among almost all the gay young
gentlemen that frequented the place. Far from avoiding his company, they
began to court his conversation, and he was commonly seen in the walks
surrounded with a group of admirers.
Having thus paved the way for a total removal of the invidious
prepossession that obstructed his views, he, one night, while every
person was lulled in the arms of repose, and universal silence prevailed,
tuned his violin, and began to play some masterly airs, in a tone so
uncommonly expressive, and with such ravishing dexterity of execution,
that a certain lady, who lodged in the same house, being waked by the
music, and ignorant of the source from which it flowed, listened with
rapture, as to the harp of an angel, and, wrapping herself in a loose
gown, rose and opened her chamber door, in order to discover in what
apartment the musician resided. She no sooner entered the passage, than
she found her fellow-lodgers already assembled on the same occasion; and
there they remained during the best part of the night, transported by the
harmony which our hero produced.
Doctor Fathom was immediately known to be the author of this
entertainment; and thus retrieved the benefit of that admiration which he
had forfeited by appearing in the shape of a physician. For, as people
had formerly wondered to see a count skilled in medicine, they were now
amazed to find a physician such a master in music.
The good effects of this stratagem were almost instantaneous. His
performance became the topic of discourse among all the fashionable
company. His male friends complimented him from the information of the
other sex; and that lady whom he had regaled, instead of that shyness and
disdain with which she used to receive his salutation, at their very next
meeting in the thoroughfare, returned his bow with marks of profound
respect. Nay, at midnight, she, with the rest, took post in the same
place where they had been stationed before; and, by frequent tittering,
and repeated whispers, gave intimation to Fathom, that they would be glad
of a second serenade. But he was too well acquainted with the human
passions to indulge this their desire. It was his interest to inflame
their impatience, rather than to gratify their expectation; and therefore
he tantalised them for some hours, by tuning his violin, and playing some
flourishes, which, however, produced nothing to fulfil their wishes.
At the ordinary, he was accosted by a gentleman, a lodger in the same
house, who assured him, that the ladies would take it as a great favour
if he would let them know when he intended to amuse himself again with
his instrument, that they might not, by falling asleep beforehand,
deprive themselves of the pleasure of hearing his music. To this message
he replied, with an air of consequence and reserve, that, though music
was not the art he professed, he should be always complaisant enough to
entertain the ladies to the utmost of his power, when their commands were
signified to him in a manner suited to his character; but that he would
never put himself on the footing of an itinerate harper, whose music is
tolerated through the medium of a board partition. The gentleman having
reported this answer to his constituents, they empowered him to invite
Doctor Fathom to breakfast, and he was next morning introduced with the
usual ceremony, and treated with uncommon regard by all the females of
the house, assembled for his reception.
Having thus broken the ice of their aversion in one part, so as that the
beams of his personal accomplishments had room to operate, he soon
effected a general thaw in his favour, and found himself growing once
more into request amongst the most amiable part of the creation. His
company was coveted, and his taste consulted in their balls, concerts,
and private assemblies; and he recompensed the regard they paid to him
with an incessant exertion of his agreeable talents, politeness, and
good-humour.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
TRIUMPHS OVER A MEDICAL RIVAL.
Yet, in the midst of all this attention, his medical capacity seemed to
be quite forgot. They respected his good breeding, were charmed with his
voice, and admired the fine touches of his hand upon the violin; but in
cultivating the fiddler, they utterly neglected the physician; and in
vain did he attempt to divide their regard, by taking all opportunities
to turn the conversation into a more interesting channel. It was to
little purpose he endeavoured to arouse the wonder of his audience with
frequent descriptions of portentous maladies and amazing cures he had
seen and performed in the course of his study and practice abroad; and to
no effect did he publicly busy himself in making experiments on the
mineral water, in which he pretended to have made several new and
important discoveries. These efforts did not make a lasting impression
upon the minds of the company; because they saw nothing surprising in a
physician's being acquainted with all the mysteries of his art; and, as
their custom was already bespoke for others of the profession, whom it
was their interest to employ, our adventurer might have starved amidst
the caresses of his acquaintance, had not he derived considerable
advantage from a lucky accident in the course of his expectancy.
A gentlewoman's daughter, of a weakly constitution, by drinking the
waters, had so far recovered her health and complexion, as to allure the
affection of a young squire in the neighbourhood, who amused her for some
time with his addresses, until his heart was seduced by the charms of
another young lady lately arrived at the wells. The forsaken nymph,
shocked at this disgrace and mortification, relapsed into her former
languishing disorder; and was by her mother put under the management and
prescription of a physician, who had been an industrious enemy of Fathom
from his first appearance at Tunbridge. The patient, though violently
chagrined at the levity of her quondam admirer, was not altogether
without hope, that the very same inconstancy which had prompted him to
leave her, might in time induce him to return, after the novelty of his
new passion should be wore off; and this hope served to support her under
the sorrow and disgrace of her disappointment. At length, however, the
squire and his new mistress disappeared; and some busybody was officious
enough to communicate this piece of news to the forlorn shepherdess, with
this additional circumstance, that they were gone to a neighbouring
parish to be joined in the bands of wedlock.
These fatal tidings were no sooner imparted to the abandoned Phillis,
than she was seized with an hysteric fit; and, what rendered the accident
more unfortunate, her physician had been called to the country, and was
not expected at Tunbridge till next day. The apothecary was immediately
summoned; and, being either puzzled by the symptoms, or afraid of
encroaching upon the province of his superiors, advised the old lady to
send for Doctor Fathom without delay. She had no other objection to this
expedient, but the enmity which she knew subsisted between the two
leeches; yet, hearing that her own doctor would not consult with Fathom
upon his return but, perhaps renounce the patient, by which means her
daughter's health might be endangered, she would not solicit our hero's
assistance, until the young lady had remained seven hours speechless and
insensible; when, her fear prevailing over every other consideration, she
implored the advice of our adventurer, who, having made the necessary
interrogations, and felt the patient's pulse, which was regular and
distinct, found reason to conclude that the fit would not last much
longer, and, after having observed that she was in a very dangerous way,
prescribed some medicines for external application; and, to enhance their
opinion of his diligence and humanity, resolved to stay in the room and
observe their effect.
His judgment did not fail him on this occasion. In less than half an
hour after his embrocations had been applied, she recovered the use of
her tongue, opened her eyes, and having, in delirious exclamations,
upbraided her perfidious lover, became quite sensible and composed,
though she continued extremely low and dejected. To remedy these
sinkings, certain cordials were immediately administered, according to
the prescription of Doctor Fathom, upon whom extraordinary encomiums were
bestowed by all present, who believed he had actually rescued her from
the jaws of death; and as he was by this time let into the secrets of the
family, he found himself in a fair way of being an egregious favourite of
the old gentlewoman; when, unluckily, his brother, having dismissed his
country patient with uncommon despatch, entered the apartment, and eyed
his rival with looks of inexpressible rage; then, surveying the patient,
and the phials that stood upon the table, by turns, "What, in the name of
God!" cried he, "is the meaning of all this trash!"
"Really, doctor," replied the mother, a little confounded at being thus
taken by surprise, "Biddy has been taken dangerously ill, and lain seven
or eight hours in a severe fit, from which I am confident she would never
have recovered without the help of a physician; and as you were absent,
we had recourse to this gentleman, whose prescription hath had a happy
and surprising effect." "Effect!" cried this offended member of the
faculty, "pshaw!--stuff!--who made you judge of effects or causes?" Then
advancing to the patient, "What has been the matter, Miss Biddy, that you
could not wait till my return?"
Here Fathom interposing, "Sir," said he, "if you will step into the next
room, I will communicate my sentiments of the case, together with the
method upon which I have proceeded, that we may deliberate upon the next
step that is to be taken." Instead of complying with this proposal, he
seated himself in a chair, with his back to our adventurer, and, while he
examined Miss Biddy's pulse, gave him to understand, that he should not
consult with him about the matter.
Fathom, not in the least disconcerted at this uncivil answer, walked
round his antagonist, and, placing himself in his front, desired to know
his reason for treating him with such supercilious contempt. "I am
resolved," said the other, "never to consult with any physician who has
not taken his degrees at either of the English universities." "Upon the
supposition," replied our adventurer, "that no person can be properly
educated for the profession at any other school." "You are in the
right," answered Doctor Looby; "that is one of many reasons I have to
decline the consultation."
"How far you are in the right," retorted Fathom, "I leave the world to
judge, after I have observed, that, in your English universities, there
is no opportunity of studying the art; no, not so much as a lecture given
on the subject. Nor is there one physician of note in this kingdom who
has not derived the greatest part of his medical knowledge from the
instructions of foreigners."
Looby, incensed at this asseveration, which he was not prepared to
refute, exclaimed, in a most infuriate accent, "Who are you?--whence came
you?--where was you bred? You are one of those, I believe, who graduate
themselves, and commence doctors, the Lord knows how; an interloper, who,
without licence or authority, comes hither to take the bread out of the
mouths of gentlemen who have been trained to the business in a regular
manner, and bestowed great pains and expense to qualify themselves for
the profession. For my own part, my education cost me fifteen hundred
pounds."
"Never was money laid out to less purpose," said Ferdinand; "for it does
not appear that you have learned so much as the basis of medical
requirements, namely, that decorum and urbanity which ought to
distinguish the deportment of every physician. You have even debased the
noblest and most beneficial art that ever engaged the study of mankind,
which cannot be too much cultivated, and too little restrained, in
seeking to limit the practice of it to a set of narrow-minded, illiberal
wretches, who, like the lowest handicraftsmen, claim the exclusive
privileges of a corporation. Had you doubted my ability, you ought to
have satisfied yourself in a manner consistent with decency and candour;
but your behaviour on this occasion is such a malicious outrage upon good
manners and humanity, that, were it not for my regard to these ladies, I
would chastise you for your insolence on the spot. Meanwhile, madam,"
addressing himself to the mother, "you must give me leave to insist upon
your dismissing either that gentleman, or me, without hesitation."
This peremptory language had an instantaneous effect upon the hearers.
Looby's face grew pale, and his nether lip began to tremble. The patient
was dismayed, and the old gentlewoman concerned and perplexed. She
earnestly besought the gentlemen to be reconciled to each other, and
enter into a friendly consultation upon her daughter's distemper; but,
finding both equally averse to accommodation, and Fathom becoming more
and more importunate in his demand, she presented him with a double fee;
and giving him to understand that Doctor Looby had long attended the
family, and was intimately acquainted with her own and Biddy's
constitution, said, she hoped he would not take it amiss if she retained
her old physician.
Though our hero was much mortified at this triumph of his rival, he made
a virtue of necessity, and retired with great complaisance, wishing that
Miss Biddy might never again be the subject of such a disagreeable
dispute. Whether the patient was frighted at this altercation, or
displeased with her mother's decision against an agreeable young fellow,
who had, as it were, recalled her from the grave, and made himself master
of the secret that rankled at her heart, or the disease had wound up her
nerves for another paroxysm, certain it is, she all of a sudden broke
forth into a violent peal of laughter, which was succeeded by the most
doleful cries, and other expressions of grief; then she relapsed into a
fit, attended with strong convulsions, to the unspeakable terror of the
old gentlewoman, who entreated Doctor Looby to be expeditious in his
prescription. Accordingly he seized the pen with great confidence, and a
whole magazine of antihysteric medicines were, in different forms,
externally and internally applied.