The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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Nevertheless, either nature was disturbed in her own efforts by these
applications, or the patient was resolved to disgrace the doctor. For
the more remedies that were administered, her convulsions became the more
violent; and in spite of all his endeavours, he could not overcome the
obstinacy of the distemper. Such a miscarriage, upon the back of his
rival's success, could not fail to overwhelm him with confusion;
especially as the mother baited him with repeated entreaties to do
something for the recovery of her daughter. At length, after having
exercised her patience in vain for several hours, this affectionate
parent could no longer suppress the suggestions of her concern, but, in
an incoherent strain, told him that her duty would not suffer her to be
longer silent in an affair on which depended the life of her dear child.
That she had seen enough to believe he had mistaken the case of poor
Biddy, and he could not justly blame her for recalling Doctor Fathom,
whose prescription had operated in a miraculous manner.
Looby, shocked at this proposal, protested against it with great
vehemence, as an expedient highly injurious to himself. "My remedies,"
said he, "are just beginning to take effect, and, in all probability, the
fit will not last much longer; so that, by calling in another person at
this juncture, you will defraud me of that credit which is my due, and
deck my adversary with trophies to which he has no pretension." She was
prevailed upon, by this remonstrance, to wait another half hour, when
perceiving, as yet, no alteration for the better, and being distracted
with her fears, which reproached her with want of natural affection, she
sent a message to Doctor Fathom, desiring to see him with all possible
despatch.
He was not slow in obeying the call, but hastening to the scene of
action, was not a little surprised to find Looby still in the apartment.
This gentleman, since better might not be, resolved to sacrifice his
pride to his interest, and, rather than lose his patient altogether, and
run the risk of forfeiting his reputation at the same time, stayed with
intention to compromise his difference with Fathom, that he might not be
wholly excluded from the honour of the cure, in case it could be
effected. But he had reckoned without his host in his calculation of the
Count's placability; for, when he put on his capitulating face, and,
after a slight apology for his late behaviour, proposed that all
animosity should subside in favour of the young lady, whose life was at
stake, our hero rejected his advances with infinite disdain, and assured
the mother, in a very solemn tone, that, far from consulting with a man
who had treated him so unworthily, he would not stay another minute in
the house, unless he should see him discarded; a satisfaction barely
sufficient to atone for the affront he himself had suffered by the unjust
preference she had before given to his rival.
There was no remedy. Looby was obliged to retreat in his turn; then our
adventurer, approaching the bedside, reconnoitred the patient, examined
the medicines which had been administered, and lifting up his eyes in
expressive silence, detached the footman with a new order to the
apothecary. It was well the messenger used expedition, otherwise Doctor
Fathom would have been anticipated by the operation of nature; for, the
fit having almost run its career, Miss Biddy was on the point of
retrieving her senses, when the frontal prescribed by Fathom was applied;
to the efficacy of this, therefore, was ascribed her recovery, when she
opened her eyes, and began to pour forth unconnected ejaculations; and in
a few moments after, she was persuaded to swallow a draught prepared for
the purpose, her perception returned, and Ferdinand gained the reputation
of having performed a second miracle.
But he was furnished with a piece of intelligence, of much more energy
than all she had taken, and so soon as he concluded she was capable to
bear the news without any dangerous emotion, he, among other articles of
chit-chat culled for her amusement, took the opportunity of telling the
company, that Squire Stub (the cause of Miss Biddy's disorder) had, in
his way to matrimony, been robbed of his bride, by a gentleman to whom
she had been formerly engaged. He had waited for her on purpose at an
inn on the road, where he found means to appease her displeasure, which
he had, it seems, incurred, and to supersede her new lover, whom she
quitted without ceremony; upon which the squire had returned to
Tunbridge, cursing her levity, yet blessing his good stars for having so
seasonably prevented his ruin, which would have infallibly been the
consequence of his marrying such an adventurer.
It would be superfluous to observe, that these tidings operated like an
admirable specific on the spirits of the young lady, who, while she
affected to pity the squire, was so much overjoyed at his disappointment,
that her eyes began to sparkle with uncommon vivacity, and in less than
two hours after the last of those terrible attacks, she was restored to a
better state of health than she had enjoyed for many weeks. Fathom was
not forgot amidst the rejoicings of the family. Besides an handsome
gratuity for the effects of his extraordinary skill, the old lady
favoured him with a general invitation to her house, and the daughter not
only considered him as the restorer of her health, and angel of her good
fortune, but also began to discover an uncommon relish for his
conversation; so that he was struck with the prospect of succeeding
Squire Stub in her affection. A conquest which, if sanctioned by the
approbation of the mother, would console him for all the disappointments
he had sustained; for Miss Biddy was entitled to a fortune of ten
thousand pounds, provided she should marry with the consent of her
parent, who was the sole executrix of the father's will.
Animated with the hope of such an advantageous match, our adventurer
missed no opportunity of improving the lodgment he had made, while the
two ladies failed not to extol his medical capacity among all their
female acquaintances. By means of this circulation, his advice was
demanded in several other cases, which he managed with such an imposing
air of sagacity and importance, that his fame began to spread, and before
the end of the season, he had ravished more than one half of the business
from his competitor. Notwithstanding these fortunate events, he foresaw,
that he should find great difficulty in transplanting his reputation, so
as to take root in London, which was the only soil in which he could
propose to rise to any degree of prosperity and independence; and this
reflection was grounded upon a maxim which universally prevails among the
English people, namely, to overlook and wholly neglect, on their return
to the metropolis, all the connexions they may have chanced to acquire
during their residence at any of the medical wells. And this social
disposition is so scrupulously maintained, that two persons who lived
in the most intimate correspondence at Bath or Tunbridge, shall in
four-and-twenty hours so totally forget their friendship, as to meet in
St. James's Park, without betraying the least token of recognition; so
that one would imagine these mineral waters were so many streams issuing
from the river Lethe, so famed of old for washing away all traces of
memory and recollection.
Aware of this oblivious principle, Doctor Fathom collected all his
qualifications, in order to make such an impression upon the heart of
Miss Biddy, as would resist all her endeavours to shake him from her
remembrance; and his efforts succeeded so well, that Squire Stub's
advances to a reconciliation were treated with manifest indifference. In
all probability our hero would have made a very advantageous campaign,
had not his good fortune been retarded by an obstruction, which, as he
did not perceive it, he could not possibly surmount. In displaying his
accomplishments to captivate the daughter, he had unwittingly made an
absolute conquest of the mother, who superintended the conduct of Miss
Biddy with such jealous vigilance, that he could find no opportunity of
profiting by the progress he had made in her heart; for the careful
matron would never lose sight of her, no, not for one moment.
Had the old lady given the least intimation to our adventurer, of the
sentiments she entertained in his behalf, his complaisance was of such a
pliable texture, that he would have quitted his other pursuit, and made
her the sole object of his attention. But she either depended upon the
effect of his own good taste and discernment, or was too proud to
disclose a passion which he had hitherto overlooked.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
REPAIRS TO THE METROPOLIS, AND ENROLS HIMSELF AMONG THE SONS OF PAEAN.
Before this affair could be brought to a proper explanation, the season
being almost ended, the ladies departed from Tunbridge, and in a little
time Doctor Fathom followed them to London, having previously obtained
permission to visit them in that metropolis. He had solicited the same
favour of some other families, in which he hoped to take root, though he
knew they were pre-engaged to different physicians; and resolving to make
his first medical appearance in London with some eclat, he not only
purchased an old chariot, which was new painted for the purpose, but
likewise hired a footman, whom he clothed in laced livery, in order to
distinguish himself from the common run of his brethren.
This equipage, though much more expensive than his finances could bear,
he found absolutely necessary to give him a chance for employment; as
every shabby retainer to physic, in this capital, had provided himself
with a vehicle, which was altogether used by way of a travelling
sign-post, to draw in customers; so that a walking physician was
considered as an obscure pedlar, trudging from street to street, with
his pack of knowledge on his shoulders, and selling his remnants of
advice by retail. A chariot was not now set up for the convenience of a
man sinking under the fatigue of extensive practice, but as a piece of
furniture every way as necessary as a large periwig with three tails; and
a physician, let his merit, in other respects, be never so conspicuous,
can no more expect to become considerable in business, without the
assistance of this implement, than he can hope to live without food, or
breathe without a windpipe.
This requisite is so well understood, that, exclusive of those who
profess themselves doctors, every raw surgeon, every idle apothecary, who
can make interest with some foolhardy coachmaker, may be seen dancing the
bays in all places of public resort, and grinning to one another from
their respective carriages. Hence proceed many of those cruel accidents
which are recorded in the daily papers. An apothecary's horses take
fright, and run away with his chariot, which is heard of no more. An
eminent surgeon being overturned, is so terrified at the thoughts of
mutilation, that he resolves to walk on foot all the days of his life;
and the coachman of a physician of great practice, having the misfortune
to be disabled by a fall from the box, his master can never find another
to supply his place.
None of these observations escaped the penetrating eye of Fathom, who,
before he pretended to seat himself in this machine, had made proper
inquiry into all the other methods practised, with a view to keep the
wheels in motion. In his researches, he found that the great world was
wholly engrossed by a few practitioners who had arrived at the summit of
reputation, consequently were no longer obliged to cultivate those arts
by which they rose; and that the rest of the business was parcelled out
into small enclosures, occupied by different groups of personages, male
and female, who stood in rings, and tossed the ball from one to another,
there being in each department two sets, the individuals of which
relieved one another occasionally. Every knot was composed of a
waiting-woman, nurse, apothecary, surgeon, and physician, and sometimes
a midwife was admitted into the party; and in this manner the farce was
commonly performed.
A fine lady, fatigued with idleness, complains of the vapours, is
deprived of her rest, though not so sick as to have recourse to medicine.
Her favourite maid, tired with giving her attendance in the night, thinks
proper, for the benefit of her own repose, to complain of a violent
headache, and recommends to her mistress a nurse of approved tenderness
and discretion; at whose house, in all likelihood, the said chambermaid
hath oft given the rendezvous to a male friend. The nurse, well skilled
in the mysteries of her occupation, persuades the patient, that her
malady, far from being slight or chimerical, may proceed to a very
dangerous degree of the hysterical affection, unless it be nipt in the
bud by some very effectual remedy. Then she recounts a surprising cure
performed by a certain apothecary, and appeals to the testimony of the
waiting-woman, who being the gossip of his wife, confirms the evidence,
and corroborates the proposal. The apothecary being summoned, finds her
ladyship in such a delicate situation, that he declines prescribing, and
advises her to send for a physician without delay. The nomination of
course falls to him, and the doctor being called, declares the necessity
of immediate venesection, which is accordingly performed by a surgeon of
the association.
This is one way of beginning the game. Though the commencement often
varies, and sometimes the apothecary and sometimes the physician opens
the scene; but, be that as it will, they always appear in a string, like
a flight of wild geese, and each confederacy maintains a correspondence
with one particular undertaker. Fathom, upon these considerations, set
up his rest in the first floor of an apothecary in the neighbourhood of
Charing Cross, to whom he was introduced by a letter from a friend at
Tunbridge, and who being made acquainted with his ability and scheme,
promised to let slip no opportunity of serving him; and, indeed, seemed
to espouse his interest with great alacrity. He introduced him to some
of his patients, on the strength of a gratis visit, sounded forth his
praise among all the good women of his acquaintance; and even prevailed
upon him to publish advertisements, importing that he would every day, at
a certain time and place, give his advice to the poor for nothing; hoping
that, by means of some lucky cure, his fame might be extended, and his
practice grow into request.
In the meantime his chariot rolled along through all the most frequented
streets, during the whole forenoon, and, at the usual hour, he never
failed to make his appearance at the medical coffee-house, with all that
solemnity of feature and address, by which the modern sons of Paean are
distinguished; not but that he was often puzzled about the decision of
his diurnal route. For the method of driving up one street and down
another, without halting, was become such a stale expedient, that the
very 'prentices used to stand at the shop doors, and ridicule the vain
parade. At length, however, he perused the map of London with great
diligence, and, having acquired a distinct idea of its topography, used
to alight at the end of long narrow thoroughfares and paved courts, where
the chariot was ordered to wait till his return; and, walking with great
gravity through the different turnings of these alleys, regain his
carriage by another passage, and resume his seat with an air of vast
importance. With a view to protract the time of his supposed visits,
he would, at one place, turn aside to a wall; at another, cheapen an
urinal; at a third corner, read a quack advertisement, or lounge a few
minutes in some bookseller's shop; and, lastly, glide into some obscure
coffee-house, and treat himself with a dram of usquebaugh.
The other means used to force a trade, such as ordering himself to be
called from church, alarming the neighbourhood with knocking at his door
in the night, receiving sudden messages in places of resort, and
inserting his cures by way of news in the daily papers, had been so
injudiciously hackneyed by every desperate sculler in physic, that they
had lost their effect upon the public, and therefore were excluded from
the plan of our adventurer, whose scheme, for the present, was to exert
himself in winning the favour of those sage Sibyls, who keep, as it were,
the temple of medicine, and admit the young priest to the service of the
altar; but this he considered as a temporary project only, until he
should have acquired interest enough to erect an hospital, lock, or
infirmary, by the voluntary subscription of his friends, a scheme which
had succeeded to a miracle with many of the profession, who had raised
themselves into notice upon the carcases of the poor.
Yet even this branch was already overstocked, insomuch that almost every
street was furnished with one of these charitable receptacles, which,
instead of diminishing the taxes for the maintenance of the poor,
encouraged the vulgar to be idle and dissolute, by opening an asylum to
them and their families, from the diseases of poverty and intemperance.
For it remains to be proved, that the parish rates are decreased, the
bills of mortality lessened, the people more numerous, or the streets
less infested with beggars, notwithstanding the immense sums yearly
granted by individuals for the relief of the indigent.
But, waiving these reflections, Doctor Fathom hoped, that his landlord
would be a most useful implement for extending his influence, and, for
that reason, admitted him into a degree of partnership, after being fully
convinced that he was not under articles to any other physician.
Nevertheless, he was very much mistaken in reckoning on the importance of
his new ally, who was, like himself, a needy adventurer, settled upon
credit, and altogether unemployed, except among the very refuse of the
people, whom no other person would take the trouble to attend. So that
our hero got little else than experience and trouble, excepting a few
guineas which he made shift to glean among sojourners, with whom he
became occasionally acquainted, or young people, who had been unfortunate
in their amours.
In the midst of these endeavours, he did not omit his duty to the old
gentlewoman, whose daughter he had cured at Tunbridge; and was always
received with particular complacency, which, perhaps, he, in some
measure, owed to his genteel equipage, that gave credit to every door
before which it was seen; yet, Miss Biddy was as inaccessible as ever,
while the mother became more and more warm in her civilities, till at
length, after having prepared him with some extraordinary compliments,
she gave him to understand, that Biddy was no better than a giddy-headed
girl, far from being unexceptionable in her moral character, and
particularly deficient in duty and gratitude to her, who had been always
a tender and indulgent parent; she was therefore determined to punish the
young minx for her levity and want of natural affection, by altering her
own condition, could she find a worthy and agreeable man, on whom she
could bestow her hand and fortune without a blush.
The film was instantly removed from Fathom's eyes by this declaration,
which she uttered with such a significancy of look, as thrilled to his
soul with joyful presage, while he replied, it would, indeed, be a
difficult task to find a man who merited such happiness and honour; but,
surely, some there were, who would task their faculties to the uttermost,
in manifesting their gratitude, and desire of rendering themselves worthy
of such distinction. Though this answer was pronounced in such a manner
as gave her to understand he had taken the hint, she would not cheapen
her condescension so much as to explain herself further at that juncture,
and he was very well contented to woo her on her own terms; accordingly
he began to season his behaviour with a spice of gallantry, when he had
opportunities of being particular with this new inamorata, and, in
proportion to the returns she made, he gradually detached himself from
Miss Biddy, by intermitting, and, at last, discontinuing those ardent
expressions of love and admiration, which he had made shift to convey in
private looks and stolen whispers, during the rancorous inspection of her
mother.
Such alteration could not long escape the jealous eyes of the young lady,
no more than the cause of this alienation, which, in a moment, converted
all her love into irreconcilable hate, and filled her whole soul with the
most eager desire of vengeance. For she now not only considered him as a
mercenary wretch, who had slighted her attractions for the sordid
gratifications of avarice, but also as an interloper, who wanted to
intercept her fortune, in the odious character of a father-in-law. But,
before she could bring her aim to any ripeness of contrivance, her
mother, having caught cold at church, was seized with a rheumatic fever,
became delirious in less than three days, and, notwithstanding all the
prescriptions and care of her admirer, gave up the ghost, without having
retrieved the use of her senses, or been able to manifest, by will, the
sentiments she entertained in favour of her physician, who, as the reader
will easily perceive, had more reasons than one to be mortally chagrined
at this event.
Miss Biddy being thus put in possession of the whole inheritance, not
only renounced all correspondence with Doctor Fathom, by forbidding him
the house, but likewise took all opportunities of prejudicing his
character, by hinting, that her dear mamma had fallen a sacrifice to his
ignorance and presumption.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
ACQUIRES EMPLOYMENT IN CONSEQUENCE OF A LUCKY MISCARRIAGE.
These ill offices, however, far from answering her purpose, had a quite
contrary effect. For, in consequence of her invectives, he was, in a few
days, called to the wife of a merchant, who piously hoped, that his
practice would not give Miss Biddy the lie. The patient had long
lingered under a complication of distempers, and being in no immediate
danger of her life, Doctor Fathom was in no hurry to strike a decisive
stroke; till the husband growing impatient of delay, and so explicit in
his hints, that it was impossible to misapprehend his meaning, our
adventurer resolved to do something effectual for his satisfaction, and
prescribed a medicine of such rough operation, as he thought must either
oblige his employer, or produce a change in the lady's constitution, that
would make a noise in the world, and bring a new accession to his fame.
Proceeding upon these maxims, he could not be disappointed. The remedy
played its part with such violence, as reduced the patient to extremity,
and the merchant had actually bespoke an undertaker; when, after a series
of swoonings and convulsions, nature so far prevailed, as to expel, at
once, the prescription and the disease; yet the good-natured husband was
so much affected with the agonies to which he saw the wife of his bosom
exposed by this specific, that, although the effect of it was her perfect
recovery, he could never bear the sight of Fathom for the future, nor
even hear his name mentioned, without giving signs of horror and
indignation. Nay, he did not scruple to affirm, that, had our adventurer
been endowed with the least tincture of humanity, he would have suffered
the poor woman to depart in peace, rather than restore her to health, at
the expense of such anxiety and torture.
On the other hand, this extraordinary cure was blazoned abroad by the
good lady and her gossips, with such exaggerations as roused the
astonishment of the public, and concurred with the report of his last
miscarriage to bring him upon the carpet, as the universal subject of
discourse. When a physician becomes the town talk, he generally
concludes his business more than half done, even though his fame should
wholly turn upon his malpractice; insomuch that some members of the
faculty have been heard to complain, that they never had the good fortune
to be publicly accused of homicide; and it is well known, that a certain
famous empiric, of our day, never flourished to any degree of wealth and
reputation till after he had been attacked in print, and fairly convicted
of having destroyed a good number of the human species. Success raised
upon such a foundation would, by a disciple of Plato, and some modern
moralists, be ascribed to the innate virtue and generosity of the human
heart, which naturally espouses the cause that needs protection. But I,
whose notions of human excellence are not quite so sublime, am apt to
believe it is owing to that spirit of self-conceit and contradiction,
which is, at least, as universal, if not as natural, as the moral sense
so warmly contended for by those ideal philosophers.
The most infamous wretch often finds his account in these principles of
malevolence and self-love. For wheresoever his character falls under
discussion there is generally some person present, who, either from an
affectation of singularity, or envy to the accusers, undertakes his
defence, and endeavours to invalidate the articles of his impeachment,
until he is heated by altercation, and hurried into more effectual
measures for his advantage. If such benefits accrue to those who have no
real merit to depend upon, surely our hero could not but reap something
extraordinary from the debates to which he now gave rise; as, by the
miraculous cure he had affected, all his patient's friends, all the
enemies of her husband, all those who envied his other adversary, were
interested in his behalf, exclusive of such admirers as surprise and
curiosity might engage in his cause.