The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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Thus wafted upon the wings of applause, his fame soon diffused itself
into all the corners of this great capital. The newspapers teemed with
his praise; and in order to keep up the attention of the public, his
emissaries, male and female, separated into different coffee-houses,
companies, and clubs, where they did not fail to comment upon these
articles of intelligence. Such a favourable incident is, of itself,
sufficient to float the bark of a man's fortune. He was, in a few days,
called to another lady, labouring under the same disorder he had so
successfully dispelled, and she thought herself benefited by his advice.
His acquaintance naturally extended itself among the visitants and allies
of his patients; he was recommended from family to family; the fees began
to multiply; a variety of footmen appeared every day at his door; he
discontinued his sham circuit, and looking upon the present conjuncture,
as that tide in his affairs, which, according to Shakespeare, when taken
at the full, leads on to fortune, he resolved that the opportunity should
not be lost, and applied himself with such assiduity to his practice,
that, in all likelihood, he would have carried the palm from all his
contemporaries, had he not split upon the same rock which had shipwrecked
his hopes before.
We have formerly descanted upon that venereal appetite which glowed in
the constitution of our adventurer, and with all his philosophy and
caution could hardly keep within bounds. The reader, therefore, will not
be much surprised to learn, that, in the exercise of his profession, he
contracted an intimacy with a clergyman's wife, whom he attended as a
physician, and whose conjugal virtue he subdued by a long and diligent
exertion of his delusive arts, while her mind was enervated by sickness,
and her husband abroad upon his necessary occasions. This unhappy
patient, who was a woman of an agreeable person and lively conversation,
fell a sacrifice to her own security and self-conceit; her want of health
had confined her to a sedentary life, and her imagination being active
and restless, she had spent those hours in reading which other young
women devote to company and diversion, but, as her studies were not
superintended by any person of taste, she had indulged her own fancy
without method or propriety. The Spectator taught her to be a critic and
philosopher; from plays she learned poetry and wit, and derived her
knowledge of life from books of history and adventures. Fraught with
these acquisitions, and furnished by nature with uncommon vivacity, she
despised her own sex, and courted the society of men, among whom she
thought her talents might be more honourably displayed, fully confident
of her own virtue and sagacity, which enabled her to set all their arts
at defiance.
Thus qualified, she, in an evil hour, had recourse to the advice of our
adventurer, for some ailment under which she had long laboured, and found
such relief from his skill as very much prepossessed her in his favour.
She was no less pleased with his obliging manners than with his physic,
and found much entertainment in his conversation, so that the
acquaintance proceeded to a degree of intimacy, during which he perceived
her weak side, and being enamoured of her person, flattered her out of
all her caution. The privilege of his character furnished him with
opportunities to lay snares for her virtue, and, taking advantage of that
listlessness, languor, and indolence of the spirits, by which all the
vigilance of the soul is relaxed, he, after a long course of attention
and perseverance, found means to make shipwreck of her peace.
Though he mastered her chastity, he could not quiet her conscience, which
incessantly upbraided her with breach of the marriage vow; nor did her
undoer escape without a share of the reproaches suggested by her
penitence and remorse. This internal anxiety co-operating with her
disease, and perhaps with the medicines he prescribed, reduced her to the
brink of the grave; when her husband returned from a neighbouring
kingdom, in consequence of her earnest request, joined to the information
of her friends, who had written to him an account of the extremity in
which she was. The good man was afflicted beyond measure when he saw
himself upon the verge of losing a wife whom he had always tenderly
loved; but what were his emotions, when she, taking the first opportunity
of his being alone with her, accosted him to this effect:
"I am now hastening towards that dissolution from which no mortal is
exempted, and though the prospect of futurity is altogether clouded and
uncertain, my conscience will not allow me to plunge into eternity
without unburdening my mind, and, by an ingenuous confession, making all
the atonement in my power for the ingratitude I have been guilty of, and
the wrongs I have committed against a virtuous husband, who never gave me
cause of complaint. You stand amazed at this preamble, but alas! how
will you be shocked when I own that I have betrayed you in your absence,
that I have trespassed against God and my marriage vow, and fallen from
the pride and confidence of virtue to the most abject state of vice; yes,
I have been unfaithful to your bed, having fallen a victim to the
infernal insinuations of a villain, who took advantage of my weak and
unguarded moments. Fathom is the wretch who hath thus injured your
honour, and ruined my unsuspecting innocence. I have nothing to plead in
alleviation of my crime but the most sincere contrition of heart, and
though, at any other juncture, I could not expect your forgiveness, yet,
as I now touch the goal of life, I trust in your humanity and benevolence
for that pardon which will lighten the sorrows of my soul, and those
prayers which I hope will entitle me to favour at the throne of grace."
The poor husband was so much overwhelmed with grief and confusion at this
unexpected address that he could not recollect himself till after a pause
of several minutes, when uttering a hollow groan, "I will not," said he,
"aggravate your sufferings, by reproaching you with my wrongs, though
your conduct hath been but an ill return for all my tenderness and
esteem. I look upon it as a trial of my Christian patience, and bear my
misfortune with resignation; meanwhile, I forgive you from my heart, and
fervently pray that your repentance may be acceptable to the Father of
Mercy." So saying, he approached her bedside, and embraced her in token
of his sincerity. Whether this generous condescension diffused such a
composure upon her spirits as tended to the ease and refreshment of
nature, which had been almost exhausted by disease and vexation, certain
it is, that from this day she began to struggle with her malady in
surprising efforts, and hourly gained ground, until her health was pretty
well re-established.
This recovery was so far beyond the husband's expectation, that he began
to make very serious reflections on the event, and even to wish he had
not been quite so precipitate in pardoning the backslidings of his wife;
for, though he could not withhold his compassion from a dying penitent,
he did not at all relish the thoughts of cohabiting, as usual, with a
wife self-convicted of the violation of the matrimonial contract; he
therefore considered his declaration as no more than a provisional
pardon, to take place on condition of her immediate death, and, in a
little time, not only communicated to her his sentiments on this subject,
but also separated himself from her company, secured the evidence of
her maid, who had been confidant in her amour with Fathom, and
immediately set on foot a prosecution against our adventurer, whose
behaviour to his wife he did not fail to promulgate, with all its
aggravating circumstances. By these means the doctor's name became so
notorious that every man was afraid of admitting him into his house, and
every woman ashamed of soliciting his advice.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
HIS ECLIPSE, AND GRADUAL DECLINATION.
Misfortunes seldom come single; upon the back of this hue and cry he
unluckily prescribed phlebotomy to a gentleman of some rank, who chanced
to expire during the operation, and quarrelled with his landlord the
apothecary, who charged him with having forgot the good offices he had
done him in the beginning of his career, and desired he would provide
himself with another lodging.
All these mishaps, treading upon the heels of one another, had a very
mortifying effect upon his practice. At every tea-table his name was
occasionally put to the torture, with that of the vile creature whom he
had seduced, though it was generally taken for granted by all those
female casuists, that she must have made the first advances, for it could
not be supposed that any man would take much trouble in laying schemes
for the ruin of a person whose attractions were so slender, especially
considering the ill state of her health, a circumstance that seldom adds
to a woman's beauty or good-humour; besides, she was always a pert minx,
that affected singularity, and a masculine manner of speaking, and many
of them had foreseen that she would, some time or other, bring herself
into such a premunire. At all gossipings, where the apothecary or his
wife assisted, Fathom's pride, ingratitude, and malpractice were
canvassed; in all clubs of married men he was mentioned with marks of
abhorrence and detestation, and every medical coffee-house rung with his
reproach. Instances of his ignorance and presumption were quoted, and
many particulars feigned for the purpose of defamation, so that our hero
was exactly in the situation of a horseman, who, in riding at full speed
for the plate, is thrown from the saddle in the middle of the race, and
left without sense or motion upon the plain.
His progress, though rapid, had been so short, that he could not be
supposed to have laid up store against such a day of trouble, and as he
still cherished hopes of surmounting those obstacles which had so
suddenly started up in his way, he would not resign his equipage nor
retrench his expenses, but appeared as usual in all public places with
that serenity and confidence of feature which he had never deposited, and
maintained his external pomp upon the little he had reserved in the days
of his prosperity, and the credit he had acquired by the punctuality of
his former payments. Both these funds, however, failed in a very little
time, his lawsuit was a gulf that swallowed up all his ready money, and
the gleanings of his practice were scarce sufficient to answer his pocket
expenses, which now increased in proportion to the decrease of business,
for, as he had more idle time, and was less admitted into private
families, so he thought he had more occasion to enlarge his acquaintance
among his own sex, who alone were able to support him in his disgrace
with the other. He accordingly listed himself in several clubs, and
endeavoured to monopolise the venereal branch of trade, though this was
but an indifferent resource, for almost all his patients of this class
were such as either could not, or would not, properly recompense the
physician.
For some time he lingered in this situation, without going upwards or
downwards, floating like a wisp of straw at the turning of the tide,
until he could no longer amuse the person of whom he had hired his
coach-horses, or postpone the other demands, which multiplied upon him
every day. Then was his chariot overturned with a hideous crash, and his
face so much wounded with the shivers of the glass, which went to pieces
in the fall, that he appeared in the coffee-house with half a dozen black
patches upon his countenance, gave a most circumstantial detail of the
risk he had run, and declared, that he did not believe he should ever
hazard himself again in any sort of wheel carriage.
Soon after this accident, he took an opportunity of telling his friends,
in the same public place, that he had turned away his footman on account
of his drunkenness, and was resolved, for the future, to keep none but
maids in his service, because the menservants are generally impudent,
lazy, debauched, or dishonest; and after all, neither so neat, handy, or
agreeable as the other sex. In the rear of this resolution, he shifted
his lodgings into a private court, being distracted with the din of
carriages, that disturb the inhabitants who live towards the open street;
and gave his acquaintance to understand, that he had a medical work upon
the anvil, which he could not finish without being indulged in silence
and tranquillity. In effect, he gradually put on the exteriors of an
author. His watch, with an horizontal movement by Graham, which he had
often mentioned, and shown as a very curious piece of workmanship, began,
about this time, to be very much out of order, and was committed to the
care of a mender, who was in no hurry to restore it. His tie-wig
degenerated into a major; he sometimes appeared without a sword, and was
even observed in public with a second day's shirt. At last, his clothes
became rusty; and when he walked about the streets, his head turned round
in a surprising manner, by an involuntary motion in his neck, which he
had contracted by a habit of reconnoitring the ground, that he might
avoid all dangerous or disagreeable encounters.
Fathom, finding himself descending the hill of fortune with an acquired
gravitation, strove to catch at every twig, in order to stop or retard
his descent. He now regretted the opportunities he had neglected, of
marrying one of several women of moderate fortune, who had made advances
to him in the zenith of his reputation; and endeavoured, by forcing
himself into a lower path of life than any he had hitherto trod, to keep
himself afloat, with the portion of some tradesman's daughter, whom he
meant to espouse. While he exerted himself in this pursuit, he happened,
in returning from a place about thirty miles from London, to become
acquainted, in the stage-coach, with a young woman of a very homely
appearance, whom, from the driver's information, he understood to be the
niece of a country justice, and daughter of a soap-boiler, who had lived
and died in London, and left her, in her infancy, sole heiress of his
effects, which amounted to four thousand pounds. The uncle, who was her
guardian, had kept her sacred from the knowledge of the world, resolving
to effect a match betwixt her and his own son; and it was with much
difficulty he had consented to this journey, which she had undertaken as
a visit to her own mother, who had married a second husband in town.
Fraught with these anecdotes, Fathom began to put forth his gallantry and
good-humour, and, in a word, was admitted by the lady to the privilege of
an acquaintance, in which capacity he visited her during the term of her
residence in London; and, as there was no time to be lost, declared his
honourable intentions. He had such a manifest advantage, in point of
personal accomplishments, over the young gentleman who was destined for
her husband, that she did not disdain his proposals; and, before she set
out for the country, he had made such progress in her heart, that the day
was actually fixed for their nuptials, on which he faithfully promised to
carry her off in a coach and six. How to raise money for this expedition
was all the difficulty that remained; for, by this time, his finances
were utterly dried up, and his credit altogether exhausted. Upon a very
pressing occasion, he had formerly applied himself to a certain wealthy
quack, who had relieved his necessities by lending him a small sum of
money, in return for having communicated to him a secret medicine, which
he affirmed to be the most admirable specific that ever was invented.
The nostrum had been used, and, luckily for him, succeeded in the trial;
so that the empiric, in the midst of his satisfaction, began to reflect,
that this same Fathom, who pretended to be in possession of a great many
remedies, equally efficacious, would certainly become a formidable rival
to him in his business, should he ever be able to extricate himself from
his present difficulties.
In consequence of these suggestions, he resolved to keep our adventurer's
head under water, by maintaining him in the most abject dependence.
Accordingly he had, from time to time, accommodated him with small
trifles, which barely served to support his existence, and even for these
had taken notes of hand, that he might have a scourge over his head, in
case he should prove insolent or refractory. To this benefactor Fathom
applied for a reinforcement of twenty guineas, which he solicited with
the more confidence, as that sum would certainly enable him to repay all
other obligations. The quack would advance the money upon no other
condition, than that of knowing the scheme, which being explained, he
complied with Ferdinand's request; but, at the same time, privately
despatched an express to the young lady's uncle, with a full account of
the whole conspiracy; so that, when the doctor arrived at the inn,
according to appointment, he was received by his worship in person, who
gave him to understand, that his niece had changed her mind, and gone
fifty miles farther into the country to visit a relation. This was a
grievous disappointment to Fathom, who really believed his mistress had
forsaken him through mere levity and caprice, and was not undeceived till
several months after her marriage with her cousin, when, at an accidental
meeting in London, she explained the story of the secret intelligence,
and excused her marriage, as the effect of rigorous usage and compulsion.
Had our hero been really enamoured of her person, he might have probably
accomplished his wishes, notwithstanding the steps she had taken. But
this was not the case. His passion was of a different nature, and the
object of it effectually without his reach. With regard to his appetite
for women, as it was an infirmity of his constitution, which he could not
overcome, and as he was in no condition to gratify it at a great expense,
he had of late chosen a housekeeper from the hundreds of Drury, and, to
avoid scandal, allowed her to assume his name. As to the intimation
which had been sent to the country justice, he immediately imputed it to
the true author, whom he marked for his vengeance accordingly; but, in
the meantime, suppressed his resentment, because he in some measure
depended upon him for subsistence. On the other hand, the quack,
dreading the forwardness and plausibility of our hero, which might, one
time or other, render him independent, put a stop to those supplies, on
pretence of finding them inconvenient; but, out of his friendship and
goodwill to Fathom, undertook to procure for him such letters of
recommendation as would infallibly make his fortune in the West Indies,
and even to set him out in a genteel manner for the voyage. Ferdinand
perceived his drift, and thanked him for his generous offer, which he
would not fail to consider with all due deliberation; though he was
determined against the proposal, but obliged to temporise, that he might
not incur the displeasure of this man, at whose mercy he lay. Meanwhile
the prosecution against him in Doctors' Commons drew near a period, and
the lawyers were clamorous for money, without which, he foresaw he should
lose the advantage which his cause had lately acquired by the death of
his antagonist's chief evidence; he therefore, seeing every other channel
shut up, began to doubt, whether the risk of being apprehended or slain
in the character of a highwayman, was not overbalanced by the prospect of
being acquitted of a charge which had ruined his reputation and fortune,
and actually entertained thoughts of taking the air on Hounslow Heath,
when he was diverted from this expedient by a very singular adventure.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
AFTER DIVERS UNSUCCESSFUL EFFORTS, HE HAS RECOURSE TO THE MATRIMONIAL
NOOSE.
Chancing to meet with one of his acquaintance at a certain coffee-house,
the discourse turned upon the characters of mankind, when, among other
oddities, his friend brought upon the carpet a certain old gentlewoman of
such a rapacious disposition, that, like a jackdaw, she never beheld any
metalline substance, without an inclination, and even an effort to
secrete it for her own use and contemplation. Nor was this infirmity
originally produced from indigence, inasmuch as her circumstances had
been always affluent, and she was now possessed of a considerable sum of
money in the funds; notwithstanding which, the avarice of her nature
tempted her to let lodgings, though few people could live under the same
roof with such an original, who, rather than be idle, had often filched
pieces of her own plate, and charged her servants with the theft, or
hinted suspicion of her lodgers. Fathom, struck with the description,
soon perceived how this woman's disease might be converted to his
advantage; and after having obtained sufficient intelligence, on pretence
of satisfying his curiosity, he visited the widow, in consequence of a
bill at her door, and actually hired an apartment in her house, whither
he forthwith repaired with his inamorata.
It was not long before he perceived that his landlady's character had not
been misrepresented. He fed her distemper with divers inconsiderable
trinkets, such as copper medals, corkscrews, odd buckles, and a paltry
seal set in silver, which were, at different times, laid as baits for her
infirmity, and always conveyed away with remarkable eagerness, which he
and his Dulcinea took pleasure in observing from an unsuspected place.
Thus confirmed in his opinion, he, at length, took an opportunity of
exposing a metal watch that belonged to his mistress, and saw it seized
with great satisfaction, in the absence of his helpmate, who had gone
abroad on purpose. According to instruction, she soon returned, and
began to raise a terrible clamour about the loss of her watch; upon which
she was condoled by her landlady, who seemed to doubt the integrity of
the maid, and even proposed that Mrs. Fathom should apply to some justice
of the peace for a warrant to search the servant's trunk. The lady
thanked her for the good advice, in compliance with which she had
immediate recourse to a magistrate, who granted a search warrant, not
against the maid, but the mistress; and she, in a little time, returned
with the constable at her back.
These precautions being taken, Doctor Fathom desired a private conference
with the old gentlewoman, in which he gave her to understand, that he had
undoubted proofs of her having secreted, not only the watch, but also
several other odd things of less consequence, which he lost since his
residence in her house. He then showed the warrant he had obtained
against her, and asked if she had anything to offer why the constable
should not do his duty? Inexpressible were the anguish and confusion of
the defendant, when she found herself thus entrapped, and reflected, that
she was on the point of being detected of felony; for she at once
concluded, that the snare was laid for her, and knew that the officer of
justice would certainly find the unlucky watch in one of the drawers of
her scrutoire.
Tortured with these suggestions, afraid of public disgrace, and dreading
the consequence of legal conviction, she fell on her knees before the
injured Fathom, and, after having imputed her crime to the temptations of
necessity, implored his compassion, promised to restore the watch, and
everything she had taken, and begged he would dismiss the constable, that
her reputation might not suffer in the eye of the world.
Ferdinand, with a severity of countenance purposely assumed, observed
that, were she really indigent, he had charity enough to forgive what she
had done; but, as he knew her circumstances were opulent, he looked upon
this excuse as an aggravation of her guilt, which was certainly the
effect of a vicious inclination; and he was therefore determined to
prosecute her with the utmost severity of the law, as an example and
terror to others, who might be infected with the same evil disposition.
Finding him deaf to all her tears and entreaties, she changed her note,
and offered him one hundred guineas, if he would compromise the affair,
and drop the prosecution, so as that her character should sustain no
damage. After much argumentation, he consented to accept of double the
sum, which being instantly paid in East India bonds, Doctor Fathom told
the constable, that the watch was found; and for once her reputation was
patched up. This seasonable supply enabled our hero to stand trial with
his adversary, who was nonsuited, and also to mend his external
appearance, which of late had not been extremely magnificent.
Soon after this gleam of good fortune, a tradesman, to whom he was
considerably indebted, seeing no other probable means to recover his
money, introduced Fathom to the acquaintance of a young widow who lodged
at his house, and was said to be in possession of a considerable fortune.
Considering the steps that were taken, it would have been almost
impossible for him to miscarry in his addresses. The lady had been bred
in the country, was unacquainted with the world, and of a very sanguine
disposition, which her short trial of matrimony had not served to cool.
Our adventurer was instructed to call at the tradesman's house, as if
by accident, at an appointed time, when the widow was drinking tea with
her landlady. On these occasions he always behaved to admiration. She
liked his person, and praised his politeness, good-humour, and good
sense; his confederates extolled him as a prodigy of learning, taste,
and good-nature; they likewise represented him as a person on the eve of
eclipsing all his competitors in physic. An acquaintance and intimacy
soon ensued, nor was he restricted in point of opportunity. In a word,
he succeeded in his endeavours, and, one evening, on pretence of
attending her to the play, he accompanied her to the Fleet, where they
were married, in presence of the tradesman and his wife, who were of the
party.