The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Complete - Tobias Smollett
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Having thus established himself her confidant and gossip, he knew his
next step of promotion would necessarily be to the degree of her lover;
and in that belief resolved to play the same game with Mademoiselle
Wilhelmina, whose complexion was very much akin to that of her
stepmother; indeed they resembled each other too much to live upon any
terms of friendship or even decorum. Fathom, in order to enjoy a private
conversation with the young lady, never failed to repeat his visit every
afternoon, till at length he had the pleasure of finding her disengaged,
the jeweller being occupied among his workmen, and his wife gone to
assist at a lying-in.
Our adventurer and the daughter had already exchanged their vows, by the
expressive language of the eyes; he had even declared himself in some
tender ejaculations which had been softly whispered in her ear, when he
could snatch an opportunity of venting them unperceived; nay, he had upon
divers occasions gently squeezed her fair hand, on pretence of tuning her
harpsichord, and been favoured with returns of the same cordial pressure;
so that, instead of accosting her with the fearful hesitation and reserve
of a timid swain, he told her, after the exercise of the doux-yeux, that
he was come to confer with her upon a subject that nearly concerned her
peace; and asked if she had not observed of late an evident abatement of
friendship in her mother's behaviour to him, whom she had formerly
treated with such marks of favour and respect. Mademoiselle would not
pay so ill a compliment to her own discernment as to say she had not
perceived the alteration; which, on the contrary, she owned was extremely
palpable; nor was it difficult to divine the cause of such estranged
looks. This remark was accompanied with an irresistible glance; she
smiled enchanting, the colour deepened on her cheeks, her breast began to
heave, and her whole frame underwent a most agreeable confusion.
Ferdinand was not a man to let such a favourable conjuncture pass
unregarded. "Yes, charming Wilhelmina!" exclaimed the politician in an
affected rapture, "the cause is as conspicuous as your attractions. She
hath, in spite of all my circumspection, perceived that passion which it
is not in my power to conceal, and in consequence of which I now declare
myself your devoted adorer; or, conscious of your superior excellence,
her jealousy hath taken the alarm, and, though stung with conjecture
only, repines at the triumph of your perfections. How far this spirit of
malignity may be inflamed to my prejudice, I know not. Perhaps, as this
is the first, it may be also the last opportunity I shall have of avowing
the dearest sentiments of my heart to the fair object that inspired them;
in a word, I may be for ever excluded from your presence. Excuse me,
then, divine creature! from the practice of those unnecessary forms,
which I should take pride in observing, were I indulged with the ordinary
privileges of an honourable lover; and, once for all, accept the homage
of an heart overflowing with love and admiration. Yes, adorable
Wilhelmina! I am dazzled with your supernatural beauty; your other
accomplishments strike me with wonder and awe. I am enchanted by the
graces of your deportment, ravished with the charms of your conversation;
and there is a certain tenderness of benevolence in that endearing
aspect, which, I trust, will not fail to melt with sympathy at the
emotions of a faithful slave like me."
So saying, he threw himself upon his knees, and, seizing her plump hand,
pressed it to his lips with all the violence of real transport. The
nymph, whose passions nature had filled to the brim, could not hear such
a rhapsody unmoved. Being an utter stranger to addresses of this kind,
she understood every word of it in the literal acceptation; she believed
implicitly in the truth of the encomiums he had bestowed, and thought it
reasonable he should be rewarded for the justice he had done to her
qualifications, which had hitherto been almost altogether overlooked. In
short, her heart began to thaw, and her face to hang out the flag of
capitulation; which was no sooner perceived by our hero, than he renewed
his attack with redoubled fervour, pronouncing in a most vehement tone,
"Light of my eyes, and empress of my soul! behold me prostrate at your
feet, waiting with the most pious resignation, for that sentence from
your lips, on which my future happiness or misery must altogether depend.
Not with more reverence does the unhappy bashaw kiss the sultan's letter
that contains his doom, than I will submit to your fatal determination.
Speak then, angelic sweetness! for never, ah! never will I rise from this
suppliant posture, until I am encouraged to live and hope. No! if you
refuse to smile upon my passion, here shall I breathe the last sighs of a
despairing lover; here shall this faithful sword do the last office to
its unfortunate master, and shed the blood of the truest heart that ever
felt the cruel pangs of disappointed love."
The young lady, well-nigh overcome by this effusion, which brought the
tears into her eyes, "Enough, enough," cried she, interrupting him, "sure
you men were created for the ruin of our sex."--"Ruin!" re-echoed Fathom,
"talk not of ruin and Wilhelmina! let these terms be for ever parted, far
as the east and west asunder! let ever smiling peace attend her steps,
and love and joy still wanton in her train! Ruin, indeed, shall wait
upon her enemies, if such there be, and those love-lorn wretches who pine
with anguish under her disdain. Grant me, kind Heaven, a more propitious
boon; direct her genial regards to one whose love is without example, and
whose constancy is unparalleled. Bear witness to my constancy and faith,
ye verdant hills, ye fertile plains, ye shady groves, ye purling streams;
and if I prove untrue, ah! let me never find a solitary willow or a
bubbling brook, by help of which I may be enabled to put a period to my
wretched life."
Here this excellent actor began to sob most piteously, and the
tender-hearted Wilhelmina, unable longer to withstand his moving tale,
with a repetition of the interjection, ah! gently dropped into his
arms. This was the beginning of a correspondence that soon rose to a
very interesting pitch; and they forthwith concerted measures for
carrying it on without the knowledge or suspicion of her mother-in-law.
Nevertheless, the young lady, vanquished as she was, and unskilled in the
ways of men, would not all at once yield at discretion; but insisted upon
those terms, without which no woman's reputation can be secured. Our
lover, far from seeking to evade the proposal, assented to it in terms of
uncommon satisfaction, and promised to use his whole industry in finding
a priest upon whose discretion they could rely; nay, he certainly
resolved to comply with her request in good earnest, rather than forfeit
the advantages which he foresaw in their union. His good fortune,
however, exempted him from the necessity of taking such a step, which at
best must have been disagreeable; for so many difficulties occurred in
the inquiry which was set on foot, and so artfully did Fathom in the
meantime manage the influence he had already gained over her heart, that,
before her passion could obtain a legal gratification, she surrendered to
his wish, without any other assurance, than his solemn profession of
sincerity and truth, on which she reposed herself with the most implicit
confidence and faith.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
HE IS EXPOSED TO A MOST PERILOUS INCIDENT IN THE COURSE OF HIS INTRIGUE
WITH THE DAUGHTER.
He was rejoiced to find her so easily satisfied in such a momentous
concern, for the principal aim of the intrigue was to make her necessary
to his interested views, and even, if possible, an associate in the
fraudulent plans he had projected upon her father; consequently he
considered this relaxation in her virtue as an happy omen of his future
success. All the obstacles to their mutual enjoyment being thus removed,
our adventurer was by his mistress indulged with an assignation in her
own chamber, which, though contiguous to that of her stepmother, was
provided with a door that opened into a common staircase, to which he had
access at all hours of the night.
He did not neglect the rendezvous, but, presenting himself at the
appointed time, which was midnight, made the signal they had agreed upon,
and was immediately admitted by Wilhelmina, who waited for hire with a
lover's impatience. Fathom was not deficient in those expressions of
rapture that are current on those occasions; but, on the contrary, became
so loud in the transports of self-congratulation, that his voice reached
the ears of the vigilant stepmother, who wakening the jeweller from his
first nap, gave him to understand that some person was certainly in close
conversation with his daughter; and exhorted him to rise forthwith, and
vindicate the honour of his family.
The German, who was naturally of a phlegmatic habit, and never went to
bed without a full dose of the creature, which added to his
constitutional drowsiness, gave no ear to his wife's intimation, until
she had repeated it thrice, and used other means to rouse him from the
arms of slumber. Meanwhile Fathom and his inamorata overheard her
information, and our hero would have made his retreat immediately,
through the port by which he entered, had not his intention been
overruled by the remonstrances of the young lady, who observed that the
door was already fast bolted, and could not possibly be opened without
creating a noise that would confirm the suspicion of her parents; and
that over and above this objection he would, in sallying from that door,
run the risk of being met by her father, who in all probability would
present himself before it, in order to hinder our hero's escape. She
therefore conveyed him softly into her closet, where she assured him he
might remain with great tranquillity, in full confidence that she would
take such measures as would effectually screen him from detection.
He was fain to depend upon her assurance, and accordingly ensconced
himself behind her dressing-table; but he could not help sweating with
apprehension, and praying fervently to God for his deliverance, when he
heard the jeweller thundering at the door, and calling to his daughter
for admittance. Wilhelmina, who was already undressed, and had purposely
extinguished the light, pretended to be suddenly waked from her sleep,
and starting up, exclaimed in a tone of surprise and affright, "Jesu,
Maria! what is the matter?"--"Hussy!" replied the German in a terrible
accent, "open the door this instant; there is a man in your bedchamber,
and, by the lightning and thunder! I will wash away the stain he has cast
upon my honour with the schellum's heart's-blood."
Not at all intimidated by this boisterous threat, she admitted him
without hesitation, and, with a shrillness of voice peculiar to herself,
began to hold forth upon her own innocence and his unjust suspicion,
mingling in her harangue sundry oblique hints against her mother-in-law,
importing, that some people were so viciously inclined by their own
natures, that she did not wonder at their doubting the virtue of other
people; but that these people despised the insinuations of such people,
who ought to be more circumspect in their own conduct, lest they
themselves should suffer reprisals from those people whom they had so
maliciously slandered.
Having uttered these flowers of rhetoric, which were calculated for the
hearing of her step-dame, who stood with a light at her husband's back,
the young lady assumed an ironical air, and admonished her father to
search every corner of her apartment. She even affected to assist his
inquiry; with her own hands pulled out a parcel of small drawers, in
which her trinkets were contained; desired him to look into her
needlecase and thimble, and, seeing his examination fruitless, earnestly
intreated him to rummage her closet also, saying, with a sneer, that, in
all probability, the dishonourer would be found in that lurking-place.
The manner in which she pretended to ridicule his apprehensions made an
impression upon the jeweller, who was very well disposed to retreat into
his own nest, when his wife, with a certain slyness in her countenance,
besought him to comply with his daughter's request, and look into that
same closet, by which means Wilhelmina's virtue would obtain a complete
triumph.
Our adventurer, who overheard the conversation, was immediately seized
with a palsy of fear. He trembled at every joint, the sweat trickled
down his forehead, his teeth began to chatter, his hair to stand on end;
and he, in his heart, bitterly cursed the daughter's petulance, the
mother's malice, together with his own precipitation, by which he was
involved in an adventure so pregnant with danger and disgrace. Indeed,
the reader may easily conceive his disorder, when he heard the key
turning in the lock, and the German swearing that he would make him food
for the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air.
Fathom had come unprepared with weapons of defence, was naturally an
economist of his person, and saw himself on the brink of forfeiting not
only the promised harvest of his double intrigue, but also the reputation
of a man of honour, upon which all his future hopes depended. His agony
was therefore unspeakable, when the door flew open; and it was not till
after a considerable pause of recollection, that he perceived the candle
extinguished by the motion of the air produced from the German's sudden
irruption. This accident, which disconcerted him so much as to put a
full stop to his charge, was very favourable to our hero, who, summoning
all his presence of mind, crept up into the chimney, while the jeweller
stood at the door, waiting for his wife's return with another light; so
that, when the closet was examined, there was nothing found to justify
the report which the stepmother had made; and the father, after having
made a slight apology to Wilhelmina for his intrusion, retired with his
yoke-fellow into their own chamber.
The young lady, who little thought that her papa would have taken her at
her word, was overwhelmed with confusion and dismay, when she saw him
enter the closet; and, had her lover been discovered, would, in all
probability, have been the loudest in his reproach, and, perhaps, have
accused him of an intention to rob the house; but she was altogether
astonished when she found he had made shift to elude the inquiry of her
parents, because she could not conceive the possibility of his escaping
by the window, which was in the third storey, at a prodigious distance
from the ground; and how he should conceal himself in the apartment, was
a mystery which she could by no means unfold. Before her father and
mother retired, she lighted her lamp, on pretence of being afraid to be
in the dark, after the perturbation of spirits she had undergone; and her
room was no sooner evacuated of such troublesome visitants, than she
secured the doors, and went in quest of her lover.
Accordingly, every corner of the closet underwent a new search, and she
called upon his name with a soft voice, which she thought no other person
would overhear. But Ferdinand did not think proper to gratify her
impatience, because he could not judge of the predicament in which he
stood by the evidence of all his senses, and would not relinquish his
post, until he should be better certified that the coast was clear.
Meanwhile, his Dulcinea, having performed her inquiry to no purpose,
imagined there was something preternatural in the circumstance of his
vanishing so unaccountably, and began to cross herself with great
devotion. She returned to her chamber, fixed the lamp in the fireplace,
and, throwing herself upon the bed, gave way to the suggestions of her
superstition, which were reinforced by the silence that prevailed, and
the gloomy glimmering of the light. She reflected upon the trespass she
had already committed in her heart, and, in the conjectures of her fear,
believed that her lover was no other than the devil himself, who had
assumed the appearance of Fathom, in order to tempt and seduce her
virtue.
While her imagination teemed with those horrible ideas, our adventurer,
concluding, from the general stillness, that the jeweller and his wife
were at last happily asleep, ventured to come forth from his
hiding-place, and stood before his mistress all begrimed with soot.
Wilhelmina, lifting up her eyes, and seeing this sable apparition, which
she mistook for Satan in propria persona, instantly screamed, and began
to repeat her pater-noster with an audible voice. Upon which Ferdinand,
foreseeing that her parents would be again alarmed, would not stay to
undeceive her and explain himself, but, unlocking the door with great
expedition, ran downstairs, and luckily accomplished his escape. This
was undoubtedly the wisest measure he could have taken; for he had not
performed one half of his descent toward the street, when the German was
at his daughter's bedside, demanding to know the cause of her
exclamation. She then gave him an account of what she had seen, with all
the exaggerations of her own fancy, and, after having weighed the
circumstances of her story, he interpreted the apparition into a thief,
who had found means to open the door that communicated with the stair;
but, having been scared by Wilhelmina's shriek, had been obliged to
retreat before he could execute his purpose.
Our hero's spirits were so wofully disturbed by this adventure, that, for
a whole week, he felt no inclination to visit his inamorata, and was not
without apprehension that the affair had terminated in an explanation
very little to his advantage. He was, however, delivered from this
disagreeable suspense, by an accidental meeting with the jeweller
himself, who kindly chid him for his long absence, and entertained him in
the street with an account of the alarm which his family had sustained,
by a thief who broke into Wilhelmina's apartment. Glad to find his
apprehension mistaken, he renewed his correspondence with the family,
and, in a little time, found reason to console himself for the jeopardy
and panic he had undergone.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
HE IS REDUCED TO A DREADFUL DILEMMA, IN CONSEQUENCE OF AN ASSIGNATION
WITH THE WIFE.
Nor was his whole care and attention engrossed by the execution of this
scheme upon the daughter. While he managed his concerns in that quarter
with incredible ardour and application, he was not the less indefatigable
in the prosecution of his design upon the mother-in-law, which he
forwarded with all his art during those opportunities he enjoyed in the
absence of Wilhelmina, who was frequently called away by the domestic
duties of the house. The passions of the jeweller's wife were in such a
state of exaltation, as exempted our hero from the repulses and fatigue
attending a long siege.
We have already observed how cunningly he catered for the gratification
of her ruling appetite, and have exhibited pregnant proofs of his ability
in gaining upon the human heart; the reader will not therefore be
surprised at the rapidity of his conquest over the affections of a lady
whose complexion was perfectly amorous, and whose vanity laid her open to
all the attempts of adulation. In a word, matters were quickly brought
to such a mutual understanding, that, one evening, while they amused
themselves at lansquenet, Fathom conjured her to give him the rendezvous
next day at the house of any third person of her own sex, in whose
discretion she could confide; and, after a few affected scruples on her
side, which he well knew how to surmount, she complied with his request,
and the circumstances of the appointment were settled accordingly. After
this treaty, their satisfaction rose to such a warmth, and the
conversation became so reciprocally endearing, that our gallant expressed
his impatience of waiting so long for the accomplishment of his wishes,
and, with the most eager transport, begged she would, if possible,
curtail the term of his expectation, that his brain might not suffer by
his standing so many tedious hours on the giddy verge of rapture.
The dame, who was naturally compassionate, sympathised with his
condition, and, unable to resist his pathetic supplications, gave him to
understand that his desire could not be granted, without subjecting them
both to some hazard, but that she was disposed to run any risk in behalf
of his happiness and peace. After this affectionate preamble, she told
him that her husband was then engaged in a quarterly meeting of the
jewellers, from whence he never failed to return quite overwhelmed with
wine, tobacco, and the phlegm of his own constitution; so that he would
fall fast asleep as soon as his head should touch the pillow, and she be
at liberty to entertain the lover without interruption, provided he could
find means to deceive the jealous vigilance of Wilhelmina, and conceal
himself in some corner of the house, unsuspected and unperceived.
Our lover, remembering his adventure with the daughter, would have
willingly dispensed with this expedient, and began to repent of the
eagerness with which he had preferred his solicitation; but, seeing there
was now no opportunity of retracting with honour, he affected to enter
heartily into the conversation, and, after much canvassing, it was
determined, that, while Wilhelmina was employed in the kitchen, the
mother should conduct our adventurer to the outer door, where he should
pay the compliment of parting, so as to be overheard by the young lady;
but, in the meantime, glide softly into the jeweller's bedchamber, which
was a place they imagined least liable to the effects of a daughter's
prying disposition, and conceal himself in a large press or wardrobe,
that stood in one corner of the apartment. The scene was immediately
acted with great success, and our hero cooped up in his cage, where he
waited so long, that his desires began to subside, and his imagination to
aggravate the danger of his situation.
"Suppose," said he to himself, "this brutal German, instead of being
stupefied with wine, should come home inflamed with brandy, to the use of
which he is sometimes addicted, far from feeling any inclination to
sleep, he will labour under the most fretful anxiety of watching; every
irascible particle in his disposition will be exasperated; he will be
offended with every object that may present itself to his view; and, if
there is the least ingredient of jealousy in his temper, it will manifest
itself in riot and rage. What if his frenzy should prompt him to search
his wife's chamber for gallants? this would certainly be the first place
to which he would direct his inquiry; or, granting this supposition
chimerical, I may be seized with an irresistible inclination to cough,
before he is oppressed with sleep; he may be waked by the noise I shall
make in disengaging myself from this embarrassed situation; and, finally,
I may find it impracticable to retire unseen or unheard, after everything
else shall have succeeded to my wish."
These suggestions did not at all contribute to the quiet of our
adventurer, who, having waited three whole hours in the most
uncomfortable suspense, heard the jeweller brought into the room in that
very condition which his fears had prognosticated. He had, it seems,
quarrelled over his cups with another tradesman, and received a
salutation on the forehead with a candlestick, which not only left an
ignominious and painful mark upon his countenance, but even disordered
his brain to a very dangerous degree of delirium; so that, instead of
allowing himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed by his wife, he
answered all her gentle admonitions and caresses with the most
opprobrious invectives and obstreperous behaviour; and, though he did not
tax her with infidelity to his bed, he virulently accused her of
extravagance and want of economy; observed, her expensive way of living
would bring him to a morsel of bread; and unfortunately recollecting the
attempt of the supposed thief, started up from his chair, swearing by
G--'s mother that he would forthwith arm himself with a brace of pistols,
and search every apartment in the house. "That press," said he, with
great vociferation, "may, for aught I know, be the receptacle of some
ruffian."
So saying, he approached the ark in which Fathom was embarked, and
exclaiming, "Come forth, Satan," applied his foot to the door of it, with
such violence as threw him from the centre of gravity, and laid him
sprawling on his back. This address made such an impression upon our
adventurer, that he had well-nigh obeyed the summons, and burst from his
concealment, in a desperate effort to escape, without being recognised by
the intoxicated German; and indeed, had the application been repeated, he
in all likelihood would have tried the experiment, for by this time his
terrors had waxed too strong to be much longer suppressed. From this
hazardous enterprise he was, however, exempted by a lucky accident that
happened to his disturber, whose head chancing to pitch upon the corner
of a chair in his fall, he was immediately lulled into a trance, during
which the considerate lady, guessing the disorder of her gallant, and
dreading further interruption, very prudently released him from his
confinement, after she had put out the light, and in the dark conveyed
him to the door, where he was comforted with the promise that she would
punctually remember the rendezvous of next day.