The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves - Tobias Smollett
Dolly, who did not comprehend the nature of the illustration, understood
him in a literal sense, and, in a whimpering tone, exclaimed, "Sha't
then, I tell thee, cursed tuoad!" Tom, however, was so transported with
his subject, that he took no notice of poor Dolly's mistake, but
proceeded in his harangue upon the different kinds of tails, remainders,
and seisins, when he was interrupted by a noise that alarmed the whole
company. The rain had been succeeded by a storm of wind that howled
around the house with the most savage impetuosity, and the heavens were
overcast in such a manner that not one star appeared, so that all without
was darkness and uproar. This aggravated the horror of divers loud
screams, which even the noise of the blast could not exclude from the
ears of our astonished travellers. Captain Crowe called out, "Avast,
avast!" Tom Clarke sat silent, staring wildly, with his mouth still
open; the surgeon himself seemed startled, and Ferret's countenance
betrayed evident marks of confusion. The ostler moved nearer the
chimney, and the good woman of the house, with her two daughters, crept
closer to the company.
After some pause, the captain starting up, "These," said he, "be signals
of distress. Some poor souls in danger of foundering--let us bear up
a-head, and see if we can give them any assistance." The landlady begged
him, for Christ's sake, not to think of going out, for it was a spirit
that would lead him astray into fens and rivers, and certainly do him a
mischief. Crowe seemed to be staggered by this remonstrance, which his
nephew reinforced, observing, that it might be a stratagem of rogues to
decoy them into the fields, that they might rob them under the cloud of
night. Thus exhorted, he resumed his seat, and Mr. Ferret began to make
very severe strictures upon the folly and fear of those who believed and
trembled at the visitation of spirits, ghosts, and goblins. He said he
would engage with twelve pennyworth of phosphorus to frighten a whole
parish out of their senses; then he expatiated on the pusillanimity of
the nation in general, ridiculed the militia, censured the government,
and dropped some hints about a change of hands, which the captain could
not, and the doctor would not, comprehend.
Tom Clarke, from the freedom of his discourse, concluded he was a
ministerial spy, and communicated his opinion to his uncle in a whisper,
while this misanthrope continued to pour forth his invectives with a
fluency peculiar to himself. The truth is, Mr. Ferret had been a party
writer, not from principle, but employment, and had felt the rod of
power, in order to avoid a second exertion of which, he now found it
convenient to skulk about in the country, for he had received intimation
of a warrant from the secretary of state, who wanted to be better
acquainted with his person. Notwithstanding the ticklish nature of his
situation, it was become so habitual to him to think and speak in a
certain manner, that even before strangers whose principles and
connexions he could not possibly know, he hardly ever opened his mouth,
without uttering some direct or implied sarcasm against the government.
He had already proceeded a considerable way in demonstrating, that the
nation was bankrupt and beggared, and that those who stood at the helm
were steering full into the gulf of inevitable destruction, when his
lecture was suddenly suspended by a violent knocking at the door, which
threatened the whole house with inevitable demolition. Captain Crowe,
believing they should be instantly boarded, unsheathed his hanger, and
stood in a posture of defence. Mr. Fillet armed himself with the poker,
which happened to be red hot; the ostler pulled down a rusty firelock,
that hung by the roof, over a flitch of bacon. Tom Clarke perceiving the
landlady and her children distracted with terror, conducted them, out of
mere compassion, below stairs into the cellar; and as for Mr. Ferret, he
prudently withdrew into an adjoining pantry.
But as a personage of great importance in this entertaining history was
forced to remain some time at the door before he could gain admittance,
so must the reader wait with patience for the next chapter, in which he
will see the cause of this disturbance explained much to his comfort and
edification.
CHAPTER TWO
IN WHICH THE HERO OF THESE ADVENTURES MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON THE
STAGE OF ACTION.
The outward door of the Black Lion had already sustained two dreadful
shocks, but at the third it flew open, and in stalked an apparition that
smote the hearts of our travellers with fear and trepidation. It was the
figure of a man armed cap-a-pee, bearing on his shoulders a bundle
dropping with water, which afterwards appeared to be the body of a man
that seemed to have been drowned, and fished up from the bottom of the
neighbouring river.
Having deposited his burden carefully on the floor, he addressed himself
to the company in these words: "Be not surprised, good people, at this
unusual appearance, which I shall take an opportunity to explain, and
forgive the rude and boisterous manner in which I have demanded, and
indeed forced admittance; the violence of my intrusion was the effect of
necessity. In crossing the river, my squire and his horse were swept
away by the stream, and, with some difficulty, I have been able to drag
him ashore, though I am afraid my assistance reached him too late, for
since I brought him to land he has given no signs of life."
Here he was interrupted by a groan, which issued from the chest of the
squire, and terrified the spectators as much as it comforted the master.
After some recollection, Mr. Fillet began to undress the body, which was
laid in a blanket on the floor, and rolled from side to side by his
direction. A considerable quantity of water being discharged from the
mouth of this unfortunate squire, he uttered a hideous roar, and, opening
his eyes, stared wildly around. Then the surgeon undertook for his
recovery; and his master went forth with the ostler in quest of the
horses, which he had left by the side of the river. His back was no
sooner turned, than Ferret, who had been peeping from behind the
pantry-door, ventured to rejoin the company; pronouncing with a smile,
or rather grin, of contempt, "Hey-day! what precious mummery is this?
What, are we to have the farce of Hamlet's ghost?" "Adzooks," cried the
captain, "My kinsman Tom has dropped astern--hope in God a-has not bulged
to, and gone to bottom." "Pish," exclaimed the misanthrope, "there's no
danger; the young lawyer is only seizing Dolly in tail."
Certain it is, Dolly squeaked at that instant in the cellar; and Clarke
appearing soon after in some confusion, declared she had been frightened
by a flash of lightning. But this assertion was not confirmed by the
young lady herself, who eyed him with a sullen regard, indicating
displeasure, though not indifference; and when questioned by her mother,
replied, "A doan't maind what a-says, so a doan't, vor all his goalden
jacket, then."
In the meantime the surgeon had performed the operation of phlebotomy on
the squire, who was lifted into a chair, and supported by the landlady
for that purpose; but he had not as yet given any sign of having
retrieved the use of his senses. And here Mr. Fillet could not help
contemplating, with surprise, the strange figure and accoutrements of his
patient, who seemed in age to be turned of fifty. His stature was below
the middle size; he was thick, squat, and brawny, with a small
protuberance on one shoulder, and a prominent belly, which, in
consequence of the water he had swallowed, now strutted beyond its usual
dimensions. His forehead was remarkably convex, and so very low, that
his black bushy hair descended within an inch of his nose; but this did
not conceal the wrinkles of his front, which were manifold. His small
glimmering eyes resembled those of the Hampshire porker, that turns up
the soil with his projecting snout. His cheeks were shrivelled and
puckered at the corners, like the seams of a regimental coat as it comes
from the hands of the contractor. His nose bore a strong analogy in
shape to a tennis-ball, and in colour to a mulberry; for all the water of
the river had not been able to quench the natural fire of that feature.
His upper jaw was furnished with two long white sharp-pointed teeth or
fangs, such as the reader may have observed in the chaps of a wolf, or
full-grown mastiff, and an anatomist would describe as a preternatural
elongation of the dentes canini. His chin was so long, so peaked, and
incurvated, as to form in profile, with his impending forehead, the exact
resemblance of a moon in the first quarter. With respect to his
equipage, he had a leathern cap upon his head, faced like those worn by
marines, and exhibiting in embroidery, the figure of a crescent. His
coat was of white cloth, faced with black, and cut in a very antique
fashion; and, in lieu of a waistcoat, he wore a buff jerkin. His feet
were cased with loose buskins, which, though they rose almost to his
knee, could not hide that curvature, known by the appellation of bandy
legs. A large string of bandaliers garnished a broad belt that graced
his shoulders, from whence depended an instrument of war, which was
something between a back-sword and a cutlass; and a case of pistols were
stuck in his girdle.
Such was the figure which the whole company now surveyed with admiration.
After some pause, he seemed to recover his recollection. He rolled about
his eyes around, and, attentively surveying every individual, exclaimed,
in a strange tone, "Bodikins! where's Gilbert?" This interrogation did
not savour much of sanity, especially when accompanied with a wild
stare, which is generally interpreted as a sure sign of a disturbed
understanding. Nevertheless, the surgeon endeavoured to assist his
recollection. "Come," said he, "have a good heart.--How dost do,
friend?" "Do!" replied the squire, "do as well as I can.--That's a lie
too; I might have done better. I had no business to be here." "You
ought to thank God and your master," resumed the surgeon, "for the
providential escape you have had." "Thank my master!" cried the squire,
"thank the devil! Go and teach your grannum to crack filberds. I know
who I'm bound to pray for, and who I ought to curse the longest day I
have to live."
Here the captain interposing, "Nay, brother," said he, "you are bound to
pray for this here gentleman as your sheet-anchor; for, if so be as he
had not cleared your stowage of the water you had taken in at your upper
works, and lightened your veins, d'ye see, by taking away some of your
blood, adad! you had driven before the gale, and never been brought up
in this world again, d'ye see." "What, then you would persuade me,"
replied the patient, "that the only way to save my life was to shed my
precious blood? Look ye, friend, it shall not be lost blood to me.--I
take you all to witness, that there surgeon, or apothecary, or farrier,
or dog-doctor, or whatsoever he may be, has robbed me of the balsam of
life.--He has not left so much blood in my body as would fatten a starved
flea.--O! that there was a lawyer here to serve him with a siserari."
Then fixing his eyes upon Ferret, he proceeded: "An't you a limb of the
law, friend?--No, I cry you mercy, you look more like a showman or a
conjurer."--Ferret, nettled at this address, answered, "It would be well
for you, that I could conjure a little common sense into that numskull of
yours." "If I want that commodity," rejoined the squire, "I must go to
another market, I trow.--You legerdemain men be more like to conjure the
money from our pockets than sense into our skulls. Vor my own part, I
was once cheated of vorty good shillings by one of your broother cups and
balls." In all probability he would have descended to particulars, had
he not been seized with a return of his nausea, which obliged him to call
for a bumper of brandy. This remedy being swallowed, the tumult in his
stomach subsided. He desired he might be put to bed without delay, and
that half a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon might, in a couple of hours,
be dressed for his supper.
He was accordingly led off the scene by the landlady and her daughter;
and Mr. Ferret had just time to observe the fellow was a composition, in
which he did not know whether knave or fool most predominated, when the
master returned from the stable. He had taken off his helmet, and now
displayed a very engaging countenance. His age did not seem to exceed
thirty. He was tall, and seemingly robust; his face long and oval, his
nose aquiline, his mouth furnished with a set of elegant teeth, white as
the drifted snow, his complexion clear, and his aspect noble. His
chestnut hair loosely flowed in short natural curls; and his grey eyes
shone with such vivacity, as plainly showed that his reason was a little
discomposed. Such an appearance prepossessed the greater part of the
company in his favour. He bowed round with the most polite and affable
address; inquired about his squire, and, being informed of the pains Mr.
Fillet had taken for his recovery, insisted upon that gentleman's
accepting a handsome gratuity. Then, in consideration of the cold bath
he had undergone, he was prevailed upon to take the post of honour;
namely, the great chair fronting the fire, which was reinforced with a
billet of wood for his comfort and convenience.
Perceiving his fellow-travellers, either overawed into silence by his
presence, or struck dumb with admiration at his equipage, he accosted
them in these words, while an agreeable smile dimpled on his cheek:--
"The good company wonders, no doubt, to see a man cased in armour, such
as hath been for above a whole century disused in this and every other
country of Europe; and perhaps they will be still more surprised, when
they hear that man profess himself a novitiate of that military order,
which hath of old been distinguished in Great Britain, as well as through
all Christendom, by the name of knights-errant. Yes, gentlemen, in that
painful and thorny path of toil and danger I have begun my career, a
candidate for honest fame; determined, as far as in me lies, to honour
and assert the efforts of virtue; to combat vice in all her forms,
redress injuries, chastise oppression, protect the helpless and forlorn,
relieve the indigent, exert my best endeavours in the cause of innocence
and beauty, and dedicate my talents, such as they are, to the service of
my country."
"What!" said Ferret, "you set up for a modern Don Quixote? The scheme
is rather too stale and extravagant. What was a humorous romance and
well-timed satire in Spain near two hundred years ago, will make but a
sorry jest, and appear equally insipid and absurd when really acted from
affectation, at this time of day, in a country like England."
The knight, eyeing this censor with a look of disdain, replied, in a
solemn, lofty tone: "He that from affectation imitates the extravagancies
recorded of Don Quixote, is an impostor equally wicked and contemptible.
He that counterfeits madness, unless he dissembles, like the elder
Brutus, for some virtuous purpose, not only debases his own soul, but
acts as a traitor to Heaven, by denying the divinity that is within him.
I am neither an affected imitator of Don Quixote, nor, as I trust in
Heaven, visited by that spirit of lunacy so admirably displayed in the
fictitious character exhibited by the inimitable Cervantes. I have not
yet encountered a windmill for a giant, nor mistaken this public-house
for a magnificent castle; neither do I believe this gentleman to be the
constable; nor that worthy practitioner to be Master Elizabat, the
surgeon recorded in Amadis de Gaul; nor you to be the enchanter Alquife,
nor any other sage of history or romance; I see and distinguish objects
as they are discerned and described by other men. I reason without
prejudice, can endure contradiction, and, as the company perceives, even
bear impertinent censure without passion or resentment. I quarrel with
none but the foes of virtue and decorum, against whom I have declared
perpetual war, and them I will everywhere attack as the natural enemies
of mankind."
"But that war," said the cynic, "may soon be brought to a conclusion, and
your adventures close in Bridewell, provided you meet with some
determined constable, who will seize your worship as a vagrant, according
to the statute." "Heaven and earth!" cried the stranger, starting up,
and laying his hand on his sword, "do I live to hear myself insulted with
such an opprobrious epithet, and refrain from trampling into dust the
insolent calumniator?"
The tone in which these words were pronounced, and the indignation that
flashed from the eyes of the speaker, intimidated every individual of the
society, and reduced Ferret to a temporary privation of all his
faculties. His eyes retired within their sockets; his complexion, which
was naturally of a copper hue, now shifted to a leaden colour; his teeth
began to chatter; and all his limbs were agitated by a sudden palsy. The
knight observed his condition, and resumed his seat, saying, "I was to
blame; my vengeance must be reserved for very different objects. Friend,
you have nothing to fear--the sudden gust of passion is now blown over.
Recollect yourself, and I will reason calmly on the observation you have
made."
This was a very seasonable declaration to Mr. Ferret, who opened his
eyes, and wiped his forehead, while the other proceeded in these terms:
"You say I am in danger of being apprehended as a vagrant. I am not so
ignorant of the laws of my country, but that I know the description of
those who fall within the legal meaning of this odious term. You must
give me leave to inform you, friend, that I am neither bearward, fencer,
stroller, gipsy, mountebank, nor mendicant; nor do I practise subtle
craft, to deceive and impose upon the king's lieges; nor can I be held as
an idle disorderly person, travelling from place to place, collecting
monies by virtue of counterfeited passes, briefs, and other false
pretences; in what respect, therefore, am I to be deemed a vagrant?
Answer boldly without fear or scruple."
To this interrogation the misanthrope replied, with a faltering accent,
"If not a vagrant, you incur the penalty for riding armed in affray of
the peace." "But, instead of riding armed in affray of the peace,"
resumed the other, "I ride in preservation of the peace; and gentlemen
are allowed by the law to wear armour for their defence. Some ride with
blunderbusses, some with pistols, some with swords, according to their
various inclinations. Mine is to wear the armour of my forefathers.
Perhaps I use them for exercise, in order to accustom myself to fatigue,
and strengthen my constitution; perhaps I assume them for a frolic."
"But if you swagger, armed and in disguise, assault me on the highway, or
put me in bodily fear for the sake of the jest, the law will punish you
in earnest," cried the other. "But my intention," answered the knight,
"is carefully to avoid all those occasions of offence." "Then," said
Ferret, "you may go unarmed, like other sober people." "Not so,"
answered the knight; "as I propose to travel all times, and in all
places, mine armour may guard me against the attempts of treachery; it
may defend me in combat against odds, should I be assaulted by a
multitude, or have occasion to bring malefactors to justice."
"What, then," exclaimed the philosopher, "you intend to co-operate with
the honourable fraternity of thief-takers?" "I do purpose," said the
youth, eyeing him with a look of ineffable contempt, "to act as a
coadjutator to the law, and even to remedy evils which the law cannot
reach; to detect fraud and treason, abase insolence, mortify pride,
discourage slander, disgrace immodesty, and stigmatise ingratitude, but
the infamous part of a thief-catcher's character I disclaim. I neither
associate with robbers and pickpockets, knowing them to be such, that, in
being intrusted with their secrets, I may the more effectually betray
them; nor shall I ever pocket the reward granted by the legislature to
those by whom robbers are brought to conviction; but I shall always think
it my duty to rid my country of that pernicious vermin, which prey upon
the bowels of the commonwealth--not but that an incorporated company of
licensed thieves might, under proper regulations, be of service to the
community."
Ferret, emboldened by the passive tameness with which the stranger bore
his last reflection, began to think he had nothing of Hector but his
outside, and gave a loose to all the acrimony of his party rancour.
Hearing the knight mention a company of licensed thieves, "What else,"
cried he, "is the majority of the nation? What is your standing army at
home, that eat up their fellow-subjects? What are your mercenaries
abroad, whom you hire to fight their own quarrels? What is your militia,
that wise measure of a sagacious ministry, but a larger gang of petty
thieves, who steal sheep and poultry through mere idleness; and were
they confronted with an enemy, would steal themselves away? What is your
. . . but a knot of thieves, who pillage the nation under colour of
law, and enrich themselves with the wreck of their country? When you
consider the enormous debt of above an hundred millions, the intolerable
load of taxes and impositions under which we groan, and the manner in
which that burden is yearly accumulating, to support two German
electorates, without our receiving anything in return, but the shows of
triumph and shadows of conquest;--I say, when you reflect on these
circumstances, and at the same time behold our cities filled with
bankrupts, and our country with beggars, can you be so infatuated as to
deny that the ministry is mad, or worse than mad--our wealth exhausted,
our people miserable, our credit blasted, and our state on the brink of
perdition? This prospect, indeed, will make the fainter impression, if
we recollect that we ourselves are a pack of such profligate, corrupted,
pusillanimous rascals, as deserve no salvation."
The stranger, raising his voice to a loud tone, replied, "Such, indeed,
are the insinuations, equally false and insidious, with which the
desperate emissaries of a party endeavour to poison the minds of his
majesty's subjects, in defiance of common honesty and common sense. But
he must be blind to all perception, and dead to candour, who does not see
and own that we are involved in a just and necessary war, which has been
maintained on truly British principles, prosecuted with vigour, and
crowned with success; that our taxes are easy, in proportion to our
wealth; that our conquests are equally glorious and important; that our
commerce flourishes, our people are happy, and our enemies reduced to
despair. Is there a man who boasts a British heart, that repines at the
success and prosperity of his country? Such there are, (Oh, shame to
patriotism, and reproach to Great Britain!) who act as the emissaries of
France, both in word and writing; who exaggerate our necessary burdens,
magnify our dangers, extol the power of our enemies, deride our
victories, extenuate our conquests, condemn the measures of our
government, and scatter the seeds of dissatisfaction through the land.
Such domestic traitors are doubly the objects of detestation;--first, in
perverting truth; and, secondly, in propagating falsehood, to the
prejudice of that community of which they have professed themselves
members. One of these is well known by the name of Ferret, an old,
rancorous, incorrigible instrument of sedition. Happy it is for him that
he has never fallen in my way; for, notwithstanding the maxims of
forbearance which I have adopted, the indignation which the character of
that caitiff inspires, would probably impel me to some act of violence,
and I should crush him like an ungrateful viper, that gnawed the bosom
which warmed it into life!"
These last words were pronounced with a wildness of look, that even
bordered upon frenzy. The misanthrope once more retired to the pantry
for shelter, and the rest of the guests were evidently disconcerted.
Mr. Fillet, in order to change the conversation, which was likely to
produce serious consequences, expressed uncommon satisfaction at the
remarks which the knight had made, signified his approbation of the
honourable office he had undertaken, declared himself happy in having
seen such an accomplished cavalier, and observed, that nothing was
wanting to render him a complete knight-errant, but some celebrated
beauty, the mistress of his heart, whose idea might animate his breast,
and strengthen his arm to the utmost exertion of valour. He added, that
love was the soul of chivalry.
The stranger started at this discourse. He turned his eyes on the
surgeon with a fixed regard; his countenance changed; a torrent of tears
gushed down his cheeks; his head sunk upon his bosom; he heaved a
profound sigh, and remained in silence with all the external marks of
unutterable sorrow. The company were, in some measure, infected by his
despondence, concerning the cause of which, however, they would not
venture to inquire.