The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves - Tobias Smollett
"Crabshaw, seeing himself clear of the fray, did not tarry to take leave
of his master, but made the most of his way to Greavesbury Hall, where he
appeared hardly with any vestige of the human countenance, so much had he
been defaced in this adventure. He did not fail to raise a great clamour
against Sir Launcelot, whom he cursed as a coward in plain terms,
swearing he would never serve him another day. But whether he altered
his mind on cooler reflection, or was lectured by his wife, who well
understood her own interest, he rose with the cock, and went again in
quest of Sir Launcelot, whom he found on the eve of a very hazardous
enterprise.
"In the midst of a lane, the knight happened to meet with a party of
about forty recruits, commanded by a serjeant, a corporal, and a drummer,
which last had his drum slung at his back; but seeing such a strange
figure mounted on a high-spirited horse, he was seized with an
inclination to divert his company. With this view, he braced his drum,
and, hanging it in its proper position, began to beat a point of war,
advancing under the very nose of Bronzomarte; while the corporal
exclaimed, 'D--n my eyes, who have we got here?--old King Stephen, from
the horse armoury in the Tower, or the fellow that rides armed at my Lord
Mayor's show?' The knight's steed seemed, at least, as well pleased with
the sound of the drum, as were the recruits that followed it; and
signified his satisfaction in some curvetings and caprioles, which did
not at all discompose the rider, who, addressing himself to the serjeant,
'Friend,' said he, 'you ought to teach your drummer better manners. I
would chastise the fellow on the spot for his insolence, were it not out
of the respect I bear to his majesty's service.' 'Respect mine a--!'
cried this ferocious commander; what, d'ye think to frighten us with your
pewter piss-pot on your skull, and your lacquered pot-lid on your arm?
Get out of the way, and be d--ned, or I'll raise with my halbert such a
clatter upon your target, that you'll remember it the longest day you
have to live.' At that instant, Crabshaw arriving upon Gilbert, 'So,
rascal,' said Sir Launcelot, 'you are returned. Go and beat in that
scoundrel's drum-head.'
"The squire, who saw no weapons of offence about the drummer but a sword,
which he hoped the owner durst not draw, and being resolved to exert
himself in making atonement for his desertion, advanced to execute his
master's orders; but Gilbert, who liked not the noise, refused to proceed
in the ordinary way. Then the squire, turning his tail to the drummer,
he advanced in a retrograde motion, and with one kick of his heels, not
only broke the drum into a thousand pieces, but laid the drummer in the
mire, with such a blow upon his hip-bone, that he halted all the days of
his life. The recruits, perceiving the discomfiture of their leader,
armed themselves with stones; the serjeant raised his halbert in a
posture of defence, and immediately a severe action ensued. By this
time, Crabshaw had drawn his sword, and begun to lay about him like a
devil incarnate; but, in a little time, he was saluted by a volley of
stones, one of which knocked out two of his grinders, and brought him to
the earth, where he had like to have found no quarter; for the whole
company crowded about him, with their cudgels brandished; and perhaps he
owed his preservation to their pressing so hard that they hindered one
another from using their weapons.
"Sir Launcelot, seeing with indignation the unworthy treatment his squire
had received, and scorning to stain his lance with the blood of
plebeians, instead of couching it at the rest, seized it by the middle,
and fetching one blow at the serjeant, broke in twain the halbert which
he had raised as a quarter-staff for his defence. The second stroke
encountered his pate, which being the hardest part about him, sustained
the shock without damage; but the third, lighting on his ribs, he
honoured the giver with immediate prostration. The general being thus
overthrown, Sir Launcelot advanced to the relief of Crabshaw, and handled
his weapon so effectually, that the whole body of the enemy were disabled
or routed, before one cudgel had touched the carcass of the fallen
squire. As for the corporal, instead of standing by his commanding
officer, he had overleaped the hedge, and run to the constable of an
adjoining village for assistance. Accordingly, before Crabshaw could be
properly remounted, the peace officer arrived with his posse; and by the
corporal was charged with Sir Launcelot and his squire, as two
highwaymen. The constable, astonished at the martial figure of the
knight, and intimidated at sight of the havoc he had made, contented
himself with standing at a distance, displaying the badge of his office,
and reminding the knight that he represented his majesty's person.
"Sir Launcelot, seeing the poor man in great agitation, assured him that
his design was to enforce, not violate the laws of his country; and that
he and his squire would attend him to the next justice of peace; but, in
the meantime, he, in his turn, charged the peace officer with the
serjeant and drummer, who had begun the fray.
"The justice had been a pettifogger, and was a sycophant to a nobleman in
the neighbourhood, who had a post at court. He therefore thought he
should oblige his patron, by showing his respect for the military; but
treated our knight with the most boorish insolence; and refused to admit
him into his house, until he had surrendered all his weapons of offence
to the constable. Sir Launcelot and his squire being found the
aggressors, the justice insisted upon making out their mittimus, if they
did not find bail immediately; and could hardly be prevailed upon to
agree that they should remain at the house of the constable, who, being a
publican, undertook to keep them in safe custody, until the knight could
write to his steward. Meanwhile he was bound over to the peace; and the
serjeant with his drummer were told they had a good action against him
for assault and battery, either by information or indictment.
"They were not, however, so fond of the law as the justice seemed to be.
Their sentiments had taken a turn in favour of Sir Launcelot, during the
course of his examination, by which it appeared that he was really a
gentleman of fashion and fortune; and they resolved to compromise the
affair without the intervention of his worship. Accordingly, the
serjeant repaired to the constable's house, where the knight was lodged;
and humbled himself before his honour, protesting with many oaths, that,
if he had known his quality, he would have beaten the drummer's brains
about his ears, for presuming to give his honour or his horse the least
disturbance; thof the fellow, he believed, was sufficiently punished in
being a cripple for life.
"Sir Launcelot admitted of his apologies; and taking compassion on the
fellow who had suffered so severely for his folly, resolved to provide
for his maintenance. Upon the representation of the parties to the
justice, the warrant was next day discharged; and the knight returned to
his own house, attended by the serjeant and the drummer mounted on
horseback, the recruits being left to the corporal's charge.
"The halberdier found the good effects of Sir Launcelot's liberality; and
his companion being rendered unfit for his majesty's service, by the
heels of Gilbert, is now entertained at Greavesbury Hall, where he will
probably remain for life.
"As for Crabshaw, his master gave him to understand, that if he did not
think him pretty well chastised for his presumption and flight, by the
discipline he had undergone in the last two adventures, he would turn him
out of his service with disgrace. Timothy said he believed it would be
the greatest favour he could do him to turn him out of a service in which
he knew he should be rib-roasted every day, and murdered at last.
"In this situation were things at Greavesbury Hall about a month ago,
when I crossed the country to Ferrybridge, where I met my uncle.
Probably, this is the first incident of their second excursion; for the
distance between this here house and Sir Launcelot's estate does not
exceed fourscore or ninety miles."
CHAPTER SIX
IN WHICH THE READER WILL PERCEIVE THAT IN SOME CASES MADNESS IS CATCHING.
Mr. Clarke having made an end of his narrative, the surgeon thanked him
for the entertainment he had received; and Mr. Ferret shrugged up his
shoulders in silent disapprobation. As for Captain Crowe, who used at
such pauses to pour in a broadside of dismembered remarks, linked
together like chain-shot, he spoke not a syllable for some time; but,
lighting a fresh pipe at the candle, began to roll such voluminous clouds
of smoke as in an instant filled the whole apartment, and rendered
himself invisible to the whole company. Though he thus shrouded himself
from their view, he did not long remain concealed from their hearing.
They first heard a strange dissonant cackle, which the doctor knew to be
a sea-laugh, and this was followed by an eager exclamation of "Rare
pastime, strike my yards and topmasts!--I've a good mind--why shouldn't--
many a losing voyage I've--smite my taffrel but I wool"--
By this time he had relaxed so much in his fumigation, that the tip of
his nose and one eye reappeared; and as he had drawn his wig forwards, so
as to cover his whole forehead, the figure that now saluted their eyes
was much more ferocious and terrible than the fire-breathing chimera of
the ancients. Notwithstanding this dreadful appearance, there was no
indignation in his heart, but, on the contrary, an agreeable curiosity,
which he was determined to gratify.
Addressing himself to Mr. Fillet, "Pr'ythee, doctor," said he, "canst
tell, whether a man, without being rated a lord or a baron, or what d'ye
call um, d'ye see, may n't take to the highway in the way of a frolic,
d'ye see?--Adad! for my own part, brother, I'm resolved as how to cruise
a bit in the way of an arrant--if so be as I can't at once be commander,
mayhap I may be bore upon the books as a petty officer or the like, d'ye
see."
"Now, the Lord forbid!" cried Clarke, with tears in his eyes, "I'd rather
see you dead than brought to such a dilemma." "Mayhap thou wouldst,"
answered the uncle; "for then, my lad, there would be some picking--aha!
dost thou tip me the traveller, my boy?" Tom assured him he scorned any
such mercenary views. "I am only concerned," said he, "that you should
take any step that might tend to the disgrace of yourself or your family;
and I say again I had rather die than live to see you reckoned any
otherwise than compos."--"Die and be d--ned! you shambling half-timber'd
son of a----," cried the choleric Crowe; "dost talk to me of keeping a
reckoning and compass?--I could keep a reckoning, and box my compass long
enough before thy keelstone was laid--Sam Crowe is not come here to ask
thy counsel how to steer his course." "Lord! sir," resumed the nephew,
"consider what people will say--all the world will think you mad." "Set
thy heart at ease, Tom," cried the seaman, "I'll have a trip to and again
in this here channel. Mad! what then? I think for my part one half of
the nation is mad--and the other not very sound--I don't see why I han't
as good a right to be mad as another man--but, doctor, as I was saying,
I'd be bound to you, if you would direct me where I can buy that same
tackle that all arrant must wear; as for the matter of the long pole,
headed with iron, I'd never desire better than a good boat-hook, and
could make a special good target of that there tin sconce that holds the
candle--mayhap any blacksmith will hammer me a skull-cap, d'ye see, out
of an old brass kettle; and I can call my horse by the name of my ship,
which was Mufti."
The surgeon was one of those wags who can laugh inwardly, without
exhibiting the least outward mark of mirth or satisfaction. He at once
perceived the amusement which might be drawn from this strange
disposition of the sailor, together with the most likely means which
could be used to divert him from such an extravagant pursuit. He
therefore tipped Clarke the wink with one side of his face, while the
other was very gravely turned to the captain, whom he addressed to this
effect. "It is not far from hence to Sheffield, where you might be
fitted completely in half a day--then you must wake your armour in church
or chapel, and be dubbed. As for this last ceremony, it may be performed
by any person whatsoever. Don Quixote was dubbed by his landlord; and
there are many instances on record, of errants obliging and compelling
the next person they met to cross their shoulders, and dub them knights.
I myself would undertake to be your godfather; and I have interest enough
to procure the keys of the parish church that stands hard by; besides,
this is the eve of St. Martin, who was himself a knight-errant, and
therefore a proper patron to a novitiate. I wish we could borrow Sir
Launcelot's armour for the occasion."
Crowe, being struck with this hint, started up, and laying his fingers
on his lips to enjoin silence, walked off softly on his tiptoes, to
listen at the door of our knight's apartment, and judge whether or not
he was asleep. Mr. Fillet took this opportunity to tell his nephew that
it would be in vain for him to combat this humour with reason and
argument; but the most effectual way of diverting him from the plan of
knight-errantry would be, to frighten him heartily while he should keep
his vigil in the church; towards the accomplishment of which purpose he
craved the assistance of the misanthrope as well as the nephew. Clarke
seemed to relish the scheme; and observed, that his uncle, though endued
with courage enough to face any human danger, had at bottom a strong fund
of superstition, which he had acquired, or at least improved, in the
course of a sea-life. Ferret, who perhaps would not have gone ten paces
out of his road to save Crowe from the gallows, nevertheless engaged as
an auxiliary, merely in hope of seeing a fellow-creature miserable; and
even undertook to be the principal agent in this adventure. For this
office indeed he was better qualified than they could have imagined. In
the bundle which he kept under his greatcoat, there was, together with
divers nostrums, a small vial of liquid phosphorus, sufficient, as he had
already observed, to frighten a whole neighbourhood out of their senses.
In order to concert the previous measures without being overheard, these
confederates retired with a candle and lantern into the stable; and their
backs were scarce turned, when Captain Crowe came in loaded with pieces
of the knight's armour, which he had conveyed from the apartment of Sir
Launcelot, whom he had left fast asleep.
Understanding that the rest of the company were gone out for a moment, he
could not resist the inclination he felt of communicating his intention
to the landlady, who, with her daughter, had been too much engaged in
preparing Crabshaw's supper, to know the purport of their conversation.
The good woman, being informed of the captain's design to remain alone
all night in the church, began to oppose it with all her rhetoric. She
said it was setting his Maker at defiance, and a wilful running into
temptation. She assured him that all the country knew that the church
was haunted by spirits and hobgoblins; that lights had been seen in every
corner of it, and a tall woman in white had one night appeared upon the
top of the tower; that dreadful shrieks were often heard to come from the
south aisle, where a murdered man had been buried; that she herself had
seen the cross on the steeple all a-fire; and one evening as she passed
a-horseback close by the stile at the entrance into the churchyard, the
horse stood still, sweating and trembling, and had no power to proceed,
until she had repeated the Lord's Prayer.
These remarks made a strong impression on the imagination of Crowe, who
asked in some confusion, if she had got that same prayer in print? She
made no answer, but reaching the Prayer-Book from a shelf, and turning up
the leaf, put it into his hand; then the captain having adjusted his
spectacles, began to read, or rather spell aloud, with equal eagerness
and solemnity. He had refreshed his memory so well as to remember the
whole, when the doctor, returning with his companions, gave him to
understand that he had procured the key of the chancel, where he might
watch his armour as well as in the body of the church; and that he was
ready to conduct him to the spot. Crowe was not now quite so forward as
he had appeared before, to achieve this adventure. He began to start
objections with respect to the borrowed armour; he wanted to stipulate
the comforts of a can of flip, and a candle's end, during his vigil; and
hinted something of the damage he might sustain from your malicious imps
of darkness.
The doctor told him, the constitutions of chivalry absolutely required
that he should be left in the dark alone, and fasting, to spend the night
in pious meditations; but if he had any fears which disturbed his
conscience, he had much better desist, and give up all thoughts of
knight-errantry, which could not consist with the least shadow of
apprehension. The captain, stung by this remark, replied not a word, but
gathering up the armour into a bundle, threw it on his back, and set out
for the place of probation, preceded by Clarke with the lantern. When
they arrived at the church, Fillet, who had procured the key from the
sexton, who was his patient, opened the door, and conducted our novice
into the middle of the chancel, where the armour was deposited. Then
bidding Crowe draw his hanger, committed him to the protection of Heaven,
assuring him he would come back, and find him either dead or alive by
daybreak, and perform the remaining part of the ceremony. So saying, he
and the other associates shook him by the hand and took their leave,
after the surgeon had tilted up the lantern to take a view of his visage,
which was pale and haggard.
Before the door was locked upon him, he called aloud, "Hilloa! doctor,
hip--another word, d'ye see." They forthwith returned to know what he
wanted, and found him already in a sweat. "Hark ye, brother," said he,
wiping his face, "I do suppose as how one may pass away the time in
whistling the Black Joke, or singing Black-eyed Susan, or some such
sorrowful ditty."--"By no means," cried the doctor; "such pastimes are
neither suitable to the place, nor the occasion, which is altogether a
religious exercise. If you have got any psalms by heart, you may sing a
stave or two, or repeat the Doxology."--"Would I had Tom Laverick here,"
replied our novitiate; "he would sing your anthems like a sea-mew--a had
been a clerk a-shore--many's the time and often I've given him a rope's
end for singing psalms in the larboard watch. Would I had hired the son
of a b---h to have taught me a cast of his office--but it cannot be holp,
brother--if we can't go large, we must haul up a wind, as the saying is;
if we can't sing, we must pray." The company again left him to his
devotion, and returned to the public-house, in order to execute the
essential part of their project.
CHAPTER SEVEN
IN WHICH THE KNIGHT RESUMES HIS IMPORTANCE.
Doctor Fillet having borrowed a couple of sheets from the landlady,
dressed the misanthrope and Tom Clarke in ghostly apparel, which was
reinforced by a few drops of liquid phosphorus, from Ferret's vial,
rubbed on the foreheads of the two adventurers. Thus equipped, they
returned to the church with their conductor, who entered with them softly
at an aisle which was opposite to a place where the novice kept watch.
They stole unperceived through the body of the church; and though it was
so dark that they could not distinguish the captain with the eye, they
heard the sound of his steps, as he walked backwards and forwards on the
pavement with uncommon expedition, and an ejaculation now and then
escaped in a murmur from this lips.
The triumvirate having taken their station with a large pew in their
front, the two ghosts uncovered their heads, which by the help of the
phosphorus exhibited a pale and lambent flame, extremely dismal and
ghastly to the view; then Ferret in a squeaking tone, exclaimed, "Samuel
Crowe! Samuel Crowe!" The captain hearing himself accosted in this
manner, at such a time, and in such a place, replied, "Hilloah"; and
turning his eyes towards the quarter whence the voice seemed to proceed,
beheld the terrible apparition. This no sooner saluted his view than his
hair bristled up, his knees began to knock, and his teeth to chatter,
while he cried aloud, "In the name of God, where are you bound, ho?" To
this hail the misanthrope answered, "We are the spirits of thy
grandmother Jane and thy aunt Bridget."
At mention of these names, Crowe's terrors began to give way to his
resentment, and he pronounced in a quick tone of surprise, mixed with
indignation, "What d'ye want? what d'ye want? what d'ye want, ho?" The
spirit replied, "We are sent to warn thee of thy fate." "From whence,
ho?" cried the captain, whose choler had by this time well-nigh triumphed
over his fear. "From Heaven," said the voice. "Ye lie, ye b------s of
hell!" did our novice exclaim; "ye are d--ned for heaving me out of my
right, five fathom and a half by the lead, in burning brimstone. Don't I
see the blue flames come out of your hawse holes?--mayhap you may be the
devil himself, for aught I know--but I trust in the Lord, d'ye see--I
never disrated a kinsman, d'ye see, so don't come alongside of me--put
about on th'other tack, d'ye see--you need not clap hard a-weather, for
you'll soon get to hell again with a flowing sail."
So saying, he had recourse to his Paternoster; but perceiving the
apparitions approach, he thundered out, "Avast,--avast--sheer off, ye
babes of hell, or I'll be foul of your forelights." He accordingly
sprung forwards with his hanger, and very probably would have set the
spirits on their way to the other world, had he not fallen over a pew in
the dark, and entangled himself so much among the benches, that he could
not immediately recover his footing. The triumvirate took this
opportunity to retire; and such was the precipitation of Ferret in his
retreat, that he encountered a post by which his right eye sustained
considerable damage; a circumstance which induced him to inveigh bitterly
against his own folly, as well as the impertinence of his companions, who
had inveigled him into such a troublesome adventure. Neither he nor
Clarke could be prevailed upon to revisit the novice. The doctor himself
thought his disease was desperate; and, mounting his horse, returned to
his own habitation.
Ferret, finding all the beds in the public-house were occupied, composed
himself to sleep in a Windsor chair at the chimney corner; and Mr.
Clarke, whose disposition was extremely amorous, resolved to renew his
practices on the heart of Dolly. He had reconnoitred the apartments in
which the bodies of the knight and his squire were deposited, and
discovered close by the top of the staircase a sort of a closet or hovel,
just large enough to contain a truckle bed, which, from some other
particulars, he supposed to be the bedchamber of his beloved Dolly, who
had by this time retired to her repose. Full of this idea, and
instigated by the demon of desire, Mr. Thomas crept softly upstairs, and
lifting the latch of the closet door, his heart began to palpitate with
joyous expectation; but before he could breathe the gentle effusions of
his love, the supposed damsel started up and seizing him by the collar
with a Herculean gripe, uttered, in the voice of Crabshaw, "It wan't for
nothing that I dreamed of Newgate, sirrah; but I'd have thee to know, an
arrant squire is not to be robbed by such a peddling thief as thee--here
I'll howld thee vast, an the devil were in thy doublet--help! murder!
vire! help!"
It was impossible for Mr. Clarke to disengage himself, and equally
impracticable to speak in his own vindication; so that here he stood
trembling and half throttled, until the whole house being alarmed, the
landlady and her ostler ran upstairs with a candle. When the light
rendered objects visible, an equal astonishment prevailed on all sides;
Crabshaw was confounded at sight of Mr. Clarke, whose person he well
knew; and releasing him instantly from his grasp, "Bodikins!" cried he,
"I believe as how this hause is haunted--who thought to meet with Measter
Laawyer Clarke at midnight, and so far from hoam?" The landlady could
not comprehend the meaning of this encounter; nor could Tom conceive how
Crabshaw had transported himself thither from the room below, in which he
saw him quietly reposed. Yet nothing was more easy than to explain this
mystery: the apartment below was the chamber which the hostess and her
daughter reserved for their own convenience; and this particular having
been intimated to the squire while he was at supper, he had resigned his
bed quietly, and been conducted hither in the absence of the company.
Tom, recollecting himself as well as he could, professed himself of
Crabshaw's opinion, that the house was haunted, declaring that he could
not well account for his being there in the dark; and leaving those that
were assembled to discuss this knotty point, retired downstairs in hope
of meeting with his charmer, whom accordingly he found in the kitchen
just risen, and wrapped in a loose dishabille.