A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. IX - Various
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CHURMS.
Bravely resolved, i' faith!
LELIA.
But, to be short--
I have a secret friend, that dwells from hence
Some two days' journey, that's the most;
And if you can, as well I know you may,
Convey me thither secretly--
For company I desire no other than your own--
Here take my hand:
That once perform'd, my heart is next.
CHURMS.
If on th'adventure all the dangers lay,
That Europe or the western world affords;
Were it to combat Cerberus himself,
Or scale the brazen walls of Pluto's court,
When as there is so fair a prize propos'd;
If I shrink back, or leave it unperform'd,
Let the world canonise me for a coward:
Appoint the time, and leave the rest to me.
LELIA.
When night's black mantle overspreads the sky,
And day's bright lamp is drenched in the west--
To-morrow night I think the fittest time,
That silent shade[s] may give us[159] safe convoy
Unto our wished hopes, unseen of living eye.
CHURMS.
And at that time I will not fail
In that, or ought may make for our avail.
NURSE.
But what if Sophos should meet you by the forest-side, and encounter
you with his single rapier?
CHURMS.
Sophos? a hop of my thumb!
A wretch, a wretch! Should Sophos meet
Us there accompani'd with some champion
With whom 'twere any credit to encounter,
Were he as stout as Hercules himself,
Then would I buckle with them hand to hand,
And bandy blows, as thick as hailstones fall,
And carry Lelia away in spite of all their force.
What? love will make cowards fight--
Much more a man of my resolution.
LELIA.
And on your resolution I'll depend.
Until to-morrow at th'appointed time,
When I look for you: till when I leave you,
And go make preparation for our journey.
CHURMS.
Farewell, fair love, until we meet again. Why so: did I not tell you she
would be glad to run away with me at length? Why, this falls out, e'en
as a man would say, thus I would have it. But now I must go cast about
for some money too. Let me see, I have outlawed three or four of Gripe's
debtors; and I have the bonds in mine own hands. The sum that is due to
him is some two or three hundred pounds. Well, I'll to them; if I can
get but one half, I'll deliver them their bonds, and leave the other
half to their own consciences: and so I shall be sure to get money to
bear charges. When all fails, well fare a good wit! But soft; no more of
that. Here comes Master Gripe.
_Enter_ GRIPE.
GRIPE.
What, Master Churms? what, all alone? How fares your body?
CHURMS.
Faith, sir, reasonable well: I am e'en walking here to take the
fresh air.
GRIPE.
'Tis very wholesome, this fair weather. But, Master Churms, how like you
my daughter? Can you do any good on her? Will she be ruled yet? How
stands she affected to Peter Plod-all?
CHURMS.
O, very well, sir; I have made her very conformable. O, let me alone to
persuade a woman. I hope you shall see her married within this week at
most,--(_Aside_) I mean to myself.
GRIPE.
Master Churms, I am so exceedingly beholding to you, I cannot tell how I
shall requite your kindness. But, i' the meantime, here's a brace of
angels for you to drink for your pains. This news hath e'en lightened my
heart. O sir, my neighbour Plod-all is very wealthy. Come, Master
Churms, you shall go home with me: we'll have good cheer, and be merry
for this to-night, i' faith.
CHURMS.
Well, let them laugh that win. [_Aside. Exeunt_.
_Enter_ PEG _and her_ GRANAM.
PEG.
Granam, give me but two crowns of red gold, and I'll give you twopence
of white silver, if Robin the devil be not a water-witch.
MOTHER MIDNIGHT.
Marry, Jesus bless us! why, prythee?
PEG.
Marry, I'll tell you why. Upon the morrow after the blessed new year, I
came trip, trip, trip, over the market hill, holding up my petticoat to
the calves of my legs, to show my fine coloured stockings, and how
finely I could foot it in a pair of new corked shoes I had bought; and
there I spied this Monsieur Muffe lie gaping up into the skies, to know
how many maids would be with child in the town all the year after. O,
'tis a base vexation slave! How the country talks of the large-ribbed
varlet!
MOTHER MIDNIGHT.
Marry, out upon him. What a Friday-faced slave it is: I think in my
conscience, his face never keeps holiday.
PEG.
Why, his face can never be at quiet. He has such a choleric nose, I
durst ha' sworn by my maidenhead (God forgive me, that I should take
such an oath), that if William had had such a nose, I would never ha'
loved him.
_Enter_ WILLIAM CRICKET.
WILL CRICKET.
What a talking is here of noses? Come, Peg, we are toward marriage; let
us talk of that may do us good. Granam, what will you give us toward
housekeeping?
MOTHER MIDNIGHT.
Why, William, we are talking of Robin Goodfellow. What think you of him?
WILL CRICKET.
Marry, I say, he looks like a tankard-bearer that dwells in Petticoat
Lane at the sign of the Mermaid; and I swear by the blood of my
codpiece, and I were a woman, I would lug off his lave[160] ears, or
run him to death with a spit. And, for his face, I think 'tis pity there
is not a law made, that it should be felony to name it in any other
places than in bawdy-houses. But, Granam, what will you give us?
MOTHER MIDNIGHT.
Marry, I will give Peg a pot and a pan, two platters, a dish and a
spoon, a dog and a cat. I trow, she'll prove a good huswife, and love
her husband well too.
WILL CRICKET.
If she love me, I'll love her. I' faith, my sweet honeycomb, I'll love
thee _A per se A_. We must be asked in church next Sunday; and we'll be
married presently.
PEG.
I' faith, William, we'll have a merry day on't.
MOTHER MIDNIGHT.
That we will, i' faith, Peg; we'll have a whole noise of fiddlers there.
Come, Peg, let's hie us home; we'll make a bag-pudding to supper, and
William shall go and sup with us.
WILL CRICKET.
Come on, i' faith.
[_Exeunt_.
_Enter_ FORTUNATUS _and_ SOPHOS.
FORTUNATUS.
Why, how now, Sophos? all _amort_? still languishing in love?
Will not the presence of thy friend prevail,
Nor hope expel these sullen fits?
Cannot mirth wring if but a forged smile
From those sad drooping looks of thine?
Rely on hope, whose hap will lead thee right
To her, whom thou dost call thy heart's delight:
Look cheerly, man; the time is near at hand,
That Hymen, mounted on a snow-white coach,
Shall tend on Sophos and his lovely bride.
SOPHOS.
'Tis impossible: her father, man, her father--
He's all for Peter Plod-all.
FORTUNATUS.
Should I but see that Plod-all offer love,
This sword should pierce the peasant's breast,
And chase his soul from his accursed corpse
By an unwonted way unto the grisly lake.
But now th'appointed time is near,
That Churms should come with his supposed love:
Then sit we down under these leafy shades,
And wait the time of Lelia's wish'd approach.
[_They sit down_.
SOPHOS.
Ay, here I'll wait for Lelia's wish'd approach;
More wish'd to me than is a calm at sea[161]
To shipwreck'd souls, when great god Neptune frowns.
Though sad despair hath almost drown'd my hopes,
Yet would I pass the burning vaults of Ork[162],
As erst did Hercules to fetch his love,
If I might meet my love upon the strond,
And but enjoy her love one minute of an hour.
_Enter_ ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
But stay; what man or devil, or hellish fiend comes here,
Transformed in this ugly, uncouth shape?
FORTUNATUS.
O, peace a while; you shall see good sport anon.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
Now I am clothed in this hellish shape,
If I could meet with Sophos in these woods,
O, he would take me for the devil himself:
I should ha' good laughing, beside the forty
Shillings Peter Plod-all has given me; and if
I get no more, I'm sure of that. But soft;
Now I must try my cunning, for here he sits.--
The high commander of the damned souls,
Great Dis, the duke of devils, and prince of Limbo lake,
High regent of Acheron, Styx, and Phlegeton,
By strict command from Pluto, hell's great monarch,
And fair Proserpina, the queen of hell,
By full consent of all the damned hags,
And all the fiends that keep the Stygian plains,
Hath sent me here from depth of underground
To summon thee to appear at Pluto's court.
FORTUNATUS.
A man or devil, or whatsoe'er thou art,
I'll try if blows will drive thee down to hell:
Belike, thou art the devil's parator,
The basest officer that lives in hell;
For such thy words import thee for to be.
'Tis pity you should come so far without a fee;
And because I know money goes low with Sophos,
I'll pay you your fees: [_He beats him_.
Take that and that, and that, upon thee.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
O good sir, I beseech you; I'll do anything.
FORTUNATUS.
Then down to hell; for sure thou art a devil.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
O, hold your hands; I am not a devil, by my troth.
FORTUNATUS.
Zounds, dost thou cross me? I say thou art a devil.
[_Beats him again_.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
O Lord! sir, save my life, and I'll say as you say,
Or anything else you'll ha' me do.
FORTUNATUS.
Then stand up,
And make a preachment of thy pedigree,
And how at first thou learn'dst this devilish trade:
Up, I say. [_Beats him_.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
O, I will, sir: although in some places [_Stands upon a stool_.
I bear the title of a scurvy gentleman,
By birth I am a boat-wright's son of Hull,
My father got me of a refus'd hag,
Under the old ruins of Booby's barn;
Who, as she liv'd, at length she likewise died,
And for her good deeds went unto the devil:
But, hell not wont to harbour such a guest,
Her fellow-fiends do daily make complaint
Unto grim Pluto and his lady queen
Of her unruly misbehaviour;
Entreating that a passport might be drawn
For her to wander till the day of doom
On earth again, to vex the minds of men,
And swore she was the fittest fiend in hell
To drive men to desperation.
To this intent her passport straight was drawn,
And in a whirlwind forth of hell she came:
O'er hills she hurls, and scours along the plains;
The trees flew up by th'roots, the earth did quake for fear;
The houses tumble down; she plays the devil and all:
At length, not finding any one so fit
To effect her devilish charge as I,
She comes to me, as to her only child,
And me her instrument on earth she made:
And by her means I learn'd that devilish trade.
SOPHOS.
O monstrous villain!
FORTUNATUS.
But tell me, what's thy course of life,
And how thou shift'st for maintenance in the world?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
Faith, sir, I am in a manner a promoter,
Or (more fitly term'd) a promoting knave;
I creep into the presence of great men,
And, under colour of their friendships,
Effect such wonders in the world,
That babes will curse me that are yet unborn.
Of the best men I raise a common fame,
And honest women rob of their good name:
Thus daily tumbling in comes all my thrift;
That I get best, is got but by a shift:
But the chief course of all my life
Is to set discord betwixt man and wife.
FORTUNATUS.
Out upon thee, cannibal! [_He beats him_.
Dost thou think thou shalt ever come to heaven?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
I little hope for heav'n or heavenly bliss:
But if in hell doth any place remain
Of more esteem than is another room,
I hope, as guerdon for my just desert,
To have it for my detestable acts.
FORTUNATUS.
Were't not thy tongue condemns thy guilty soul,
I could not think that on this living earth
Did breathe a villain more audacious.
Go, get thee gone, and come not in my walk; [_Beats him_.
For, if thou dost, thou com'st unto thy woe.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
The devil himself was never conjur'd so.
[_Exit_ ROBIN.
SOPHOS.
Sure, he's no man, but an incarnate devil,
Whose ugly shape bewrays his monstrous mind.
FORTUNATUS.
And if he be a devil, I am sure he's gone:
But Churms the lawyer will be here anon,
And with him comes my sister Lelia;
'Tis he I am sure you look for.
SOPHOS.
Nay, she it is that I expect so long.
FORTUNATUS.
Then sit we down, until we hear more news,
This but a prologue to our play ensues.
[_They sit down_.
_Enter_ CHURMS _and_ LELIA.
But see where Churms and Lelia comes along:
He walks as stately as the great baboon.
Zounds, he looks as though his mother were a midwife.
SOPHOS.
Now, gentle Jove, great monarch of the world,
Grant good success unto my wand'ring hopes.
CHURMS.
Now Phoebus' silver eye is drench'd in western deep,
And Luna 'gins to show her splendent rays,
And all the harmless quiristers of woods
Do take repose, save only Philomel;
Whose heavy tunes do evermore record
With mournful lays the losses of her love.
Thus far, fair love, we pass in secret sort
Beyond the compass of thy father's bounds,
Whilst he on down-soft bed securely sleeps,
And not so much as dreams of our depart
The dangers pass'd, now think on nought but love;
I'll be thy dear, be thou my heart's delight.
SOPHOS.
Nay, first I'll send thy soul to coal-black night. [_Aside_.]
CHURMS.
Thou promis'dst love, now seal it with a kiss.
FORTUNATUS.
Nay, soft, sir; your mark is at the fairest.
Forswear her love, and seal it with a kiss
Upon the burnish'd splendour of this blade,
Or it shall rip the entrails of thy peasant heart.
SOPHOS.
Nay, let me do it, that's my part.
CHURMS.
You wrong me much, to rob me of my love.
SOPHOS.
Avaunt, base braggard! Lelia's mine.
CHURMS.
She lately promis'd love to me.
FORTUNATUS.
Peace, night-raven, peace! I'll end this controversy.
Come, Lelia, stand between them both,
As equal judge to end this strife:
Say which of these shall have thee to his wife.
I can devise no better way than this.
Now choose thy love, and greet him with a kiss.
LELIA.
My choice is made, and here it is.
[_She kisses Sophos_.
SOPHOS.
See here the mirror of true constancy,
Whose steadfast love deserves a prince's worth.
LELIA.
Master Churms, are you not well?
I must confess I would have chosen you,
But that I ne'er beheld your legs till now;
Trust me, I never look'd so low before.
CHURMS.
I know, you use to look aloft.
LELIA.
Yet not so high as your crown.
CHURMS.
What, if you had?
LELIA.
Faith, I should ha' spied but a calf's head.
CHURMS.
Zounds, cosen'd of the wench, and scoff'd at too!
'Tis intolerable; and shall I lose her thus?
How it mads me, that I brought not my sword
And buckler with me.
FORTUNATUS.
What, are you in your sword-and-buckler terms?
I'll put you out of that humour.
There, Lelia sends you that by me,
And that, to recompense your love's desires;
And that, as payment for your well-earn'd hire. [_Beats him_.
Go, get thee gone, and boast of Lelia's love.
CHURMS.
Where'er I go, I'll leave with her my curse,
And rail on you with speeches vild.
FORTUNATUS.
A crafty knave was never so beguil'd.
Now Sophos' hopes have had their lucky haps,
And he enjoys the presence of his love:
My vow's perform'd, and I am full reveng'd
Upon this hell-bred race of cursed imps.
Now rests nought but my father's free consent,
To knit the knot that time can ne'er untwist,
And that, as this, I likewise will perform.
No sooner shall Aurora's pearled dew
O'erspread the mantled earth with silver drops,
And Phoebus bless the orient with a blush,
To chase black night to her deformed cell,
But I'll repair unto my father's house,
And never cease with my enticing words,
To work his will to knit this Gordian knot:
Till when I'll leave you to your am'rous chat.
Dear friend, adieu; fair sister, too, farewell:
Betake yourselves unto some secret place,
Until you hear from me how things fall out.
[_Exit_ FORTUNATUS.
SOPHOS.
We both do wish a fortunate good-night.
LELIA.
And pray the gods to guide thy steps aright.
SOPHOS.
Now come, fair Lelia, let's betake ourselves
Unto a little hermitage hereby,
And there to live obscured from the world,
Till fates and fortune call us thence away,
To see the sunshine of our nuptial day.
See how the twinkling stars do hide their borrow'd shine,
As half-asham'd their lustre is so stain'd
By Lelia's beauteous eyes, that shine more bright
Than twinkling stars do in a winter's night--
In such a night did Paris win his love.
LELIA.
In such a night Aeneas prov'd unkind.
SOPHOS.
In such a night did Troilus court his dear.
LELIA.
In such a night fair Phillis was betray'd.
SOPHOS.
I'll prove as true as ever Troilus was.
LELIA.
And I as constant as Penelope.
SOPHOS.
Then let us solace, and in love's delight
And sweet embracings spend the livelong night;
And whilst love mounts her on her wanton wings,
Let descant run on music's silver strings.
[_Exeunt_.
A SONG.
1.
_Old Triton must forsake his dear,
The lark doth chant her cheerful lay;
Aurora smiles with merry cheer,
To welcome in a happy day_.
2.
_The beasts do skip,
The sweet birds sing;
The wood-nymphs dance,
The echoes ring_.
3.
_The hollow caves with joy resounds,
And pleasure ev'rywhere abounds;
The Graces, linking hand in hand,
In love have knit a glorious band_.
_Enter_ ROBIN GOODFELLOW, _old_ PLOD-ALL, _and his son_ PETER.
PLOD-ALL.
Hear you, Master Goodfellow, how have you sped?
PETER PLOD-ALL.
Ha' you played the devil bravely, and feared the scholar out on's wits?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
A pox of the scholar!
PLOD-ALL.
Nay, hark you: I sent you vorty shillings, and you shall have the cheese
I promised you too.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
A plague of the vorty shillings, and the cheese too!
PETER PLOD-ALL.
Hear you, will you give me the powder you told me of?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
How you vex me! Powder, quotha? zounds, I have been powdered.
PLOD-ALL.
Son, I doubt he will prove a crafty knave, and cosen us of our money.
We'll go to Master Justice, and complain on him, and get him whipped out
o' the country for a coneycatcher.
PETER PLOD-ALL.
Ay, or have his ears nailed to the pillory. Come, let's go.
[_Exeunt_ PLOD-ALL _and his son_.
_Enter_ CHURMS.
CHURMS.
Fellow Robin, what news? how goes the world?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
Faith, the world goes, I cannot tell how. How sped you with your wench?
CHURMS.
I would the wench were at the devil! A plague upon't, I never say my
prayers; and that makes me have such ill-luck.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
I think the scholar be hunted with some demi-devil.
CHURMS.
Why, didst thou fray him?
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
Fray him? a vengeance on't! all our shifting knavery's known; we are
counted very vagrants. Zounds, I am afraid of every officer for
whipping.
CHURMS.
We are horribly haunted: our behaviour is so beastly, that we are grown
loathsome; our craft gets us nought but knocks.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
What course shall we take now?
CHURMS.
Faith, I cannot tell: let's e'en run our country; for here's no staying
for us.
ROBIN GOODFELLOW.
Faith, agreed: let's go into some place where we are not known, and
there set up the art of knavery with the second edition.
[_Exeunt_.
_Enter_ GRIPE _solus_.
GRIPE.
Every one tells me I look better than I was wont: my heart's lightened,
and my spirits are revived. Why, methinks I am e'en young again. It joys
my heart that this same peevish girl, my daughter, will be ruled at the
last yet; but I shall never be able to make Master Churms amends for the
great pains he hath taken.
_Enter_ NURSE.
NURSE.
Master, now out upon's. Well-a-day! we are all undone.
GRIPE.
Undone! what sudden accident hath chanced? Speak! what's the matter?
NURSE.
Alas! that ever I was born! My mistress and Master Churms are run away
together.
GRIPE.
'Tis not possible; ne'er tell me: I dare trust Master Churms with a
greater matter than that.
NURSE.
Faith, you must trust him, whether you will or no; for he's gone.
_Enter_ WILL CRICKET.
WILL CRICKET.
Master Gripe, I was coming to desire that I might have your absence at
my wedding; for I hear say you are very liberal grown o' late. For I
spake with three or four of your debtors this morning, that ought you
hundred pounds a piece; and they told me that you sent Master Churms to
them, and took of some ten pounds, and of some twenty, and delivered
them their bonds, and bad them pay the rest when they were able.
GRIPE.
I am undone, I am robbed! My daughter! my money! Which way are they
gone?
WILL CRICKET.
Faith, sir, it's all to nothing, but your daughter and Master Churms are
gone both one way. Marry, your money flies, some one way, and some
another; and therefore 'tis but a folly to make hue and cry after it.
GRIPE.
Follow them, make hue and cry after them. My daughter! my money! all's
gone! what shall I do?
WILL CRICKET.
Faith, if you will be ruled by me, I'll tell you what you shall do. Mark
what I say; for I'll teach you the way to come to heaven, if you stumble
not--give all you have to the poor but one single penny, and with that
penny buy you a good strong halter; and when you ha' done so, come to
me, and I'll tell you what you shall do with it. [_Aside_.
GRIPE.
Bring me my daughter: that Churms, that villain! I'll tear him with my
teeth.
NURSE.
Master, nay, pray you, do not run mad: I'll tell you good news; my young
Master Fortunatus is come home: and see where he comes.
_Enter_ FORTUNATUS.
GRIPE.
If thou hadst said Lelia, it had been something.
FORTUNATUS.
Thus Fortunatus greets his father,
And craves his blessing on his bended knee.
GRIPE.
Ay, here's my son; but Lelia she'll not come.
Good Fortunatus, rise: wilt thou shed tears,
And help thy father moan?
If so, say ay; if not, good son, begone.
FORTUNATUS.
What moves my father to these uncouth fits?
WILL CRICKET.
Faith, sir, he's almost mad; I think he cannot tell you: and therefore
I--presuming, sir, that my wit is something better than his at this
time--do you mark, sir?--out of the profound circumambulation of my
supernatural wit, sir--do you understand?--will tell you the whole
superfluity of the matter, sir. Your sister Lelia, sir, you know, is a
woman, as another woman is, sir.
FORTUNATUS.
Well, and what of that?
WILL CRICKET.
Nay, nothing, sir; but she fell in love with one Sophos, a very proper,
wise young man, sir. Now, sir, your father would not let her have him,
sir; but would have married her to one, sir, that would have fed her
with nothing but barley bag-puddings and fat bacon. Now, sir, to tell
you the truth, the fool, ye know, has fortune to land; but Mistress
Lelia's mouth doth not hang for that kind of diet.
FORTUNATUS.
And how then?
WILL CRICKET.
Marry then, there was a certain cracking, cogging, pettifogging,
butter-milk slave, sir, one Churms, sir, that is the very quintessence
of all the knaves in the bunch: and if the best man of all his kin had
been but so good as a yeoman's son, he should have been a marked knave
by letters patents. And he, sir, comes me sneaking, and cosens them both
of their wench, and is run away with her. And, sir, belike, he has
cosened your father here of a great deal of his money too.
NURSE.
Sir, your father did trust him but too much; but I always thought he
would prove a crafty knave.
GRIPE.
My trust's betray'd, my joy's exil'd:
Grief kills the heart, my hope's beguil'd.
FORTUNATUS.
Where golden gain doth blear a father's eyes,
That precious pearl, fetch'd from Parnassus' mount,
Is counted refuse, worse than bull'on brass;
Both joys and hopes hang of a silly twine,
That still is subject unto flitting time,
That turns joy into grief, and hope to sad despair,
And ends his days in wretched worldly care.
Were I the richest monarch under heaven,
And had one daughter thrice as fair
As was the Grecian Menelaus' wife,
Ere I would match her to an untaught swain,
Though one whose wealth exceeded Croesus' store,
Herself should choose, and I applaud her choice
Of one more poor than ever Sophos was,
Were his deserts but equal unto his.
If I might speak without offence,
You were to blame to hinder Lelia's choice;
As she in nature's graces doth excel,
So doth Minerva grace him full as well.
NURSE.
Now, by cock and pie, you never spake a truer word in your life. He's a
very kind gentleman, for, last time he was at our house, he gave me
three-pence.
WILL CRICKET.
O, nobly spoken: God send Peg to prove as wise a woman as her mother,
and then we shall be sure to have wise children. Nay, if he be so
liberal, old grandsire, you shall give him the goodwill of your
daughter.
GRIPE.
She is not mine, I have no daughter now:
That I should say--I had, thence comes my grief.
My care of Lelia pass'd a father's love;
My love of Lelia makes my loss the more;
My loss of Lelia drowns my heart in woe;
My heart's woe makes this life a living death:
Care, love, loss, heart's woe, living death,
Join all in one to stop this vital breath.
Curs'd be the time I gap'd for golden gain,
I curse the time I cross'd her in her choice;
Her choice was virtuous, but my will was base:
I sought to grace her from the Indian mines,
But she sought honour from the starry mount.
What frantic fit possess'd my foolish brain?
What furious fancy fired so my heart,
To hate fair virtue, and to scorn desert?