A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. IX - Various
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COM. SEN. I will walk with you very willingly, for I grow weary of
sitting. Come, Master Register and Master Phantastes.
[_Exeunt_ OMNES.
ACTUS QUARTUS, SCAENA PRIMA.
MENDACIO, ANAMNESTES, HEURESIS.
MEN. Prythee, Nam, be persuaded: is't not better to go to a feast, than
stay here for a fray?
ANA. A feast? dost think Auditus will make the judges a feast?
MEN. Faith, ay. Why should he carry them to his house else?
ANA. Why, sirrah, to hear a set or two of songs: 'slid, his banquets are
nothing but fish, all sol, sol, sol.[275] I'll teach thee wit, boy;
never go thee to a musician's house for junkets, unless thy stomach lies
in thine ears; for there is nothing but commending this song's delicate
air, that ode's dainty air, this sonnet's sweet air, that madrigal's
melting air, this dirge's mournful air: this church air, that chamber
air: French air, English air, Italian air. Why, lad, they be pure
camelions; they feed only upon air.
MEN. Camelions? I'll be sworn some of your fiddlers be rather camels,
for by their good wills they will never leave eating.
ANA. True, and good reason, for they do nothing all the day but stretch
and grate their small guts. But, O, yonder's the ape Heuresis; let me
go, I prythee.
MEN. Nay, good-now, stay a little, let's see his humour.
HEU. I see no reason to the contrary, for we see the quintessence of
wine will convert water into wine; why therefore should not the elixir
of gold turn lead into pure gold? [_Soliloquises_.]
MEN. Ha, ha, ha, ha! He is turned chemic, sirrah; it seems so by his
talk.
HEU. But how shall I devise to blow the fire of beechcoals with a
continual and equal blast? ha? I will have my bellows driven with a
wheel, which wheel shall be a self-mover.
ANA. Here's old turning[276]; these chemics, seeking to turn lead into
gold, turn away all their own silver.
HEU. And my wheel shall be geometrically proportioned into seven or nine
concave encircled arms, wherein I will put equal poises: ay, ay; [Greek:
heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, I have it.
MEN. Heuresis!
HEU. But what's best to contain the quicksilver, ha?
ANA. Do you remember your promise, Heuresis?
HEU. It must not be iron; for quicksilver is the tyrant of metals, and
will soon fret it.
ANA. Heuresis? Heuresis?
HEU. Nor brass, nor copper, nor mastlin[277], nor mineral: [Greek:
heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, it must be--
ANA. You have, indeed, sirrah, and thus much more than you looked for.
[_Snap_.
[HEURESIS _and_ ANAMNESTES _about to fight,
but_ MENDACIO _parts them_.
MEN. You shall not fight; but if you will always disagree, let us have
words and no blows. Heuresis, what reason have you to fall out with him?
HEU. Because he is always abusing me, and takes the upper hand of me
everywhere.
ANA. And why not, sirrah? I am thy better in any place.
HEU. Have I been the author of the seven liberal sciences, and
consequently of all learning, have I been the patron of all mechanical
devices, to be thy inferior? I tell thee, Anamnestes, thou hast not so
much as a point, but thou art beholding to me for it.
ANA. Good, good; but what had your invention been, but for my
remembrance? I can prove that thou, belly-sprung invention, art the most
improfitable member in the world; for ever since thou wert born, thou
hast been a bloody murderer; and thus I prove it: In the quiet years of
Saturn (I remember Jupiter was then but in his swathe-bands), thou
rentest the bowels of the earth, and broughtest gold to light, whose
beauty, like Helen, set all the world by the ears. Then, upon that, thou
foundest out iron, and puttest weapons in their hands, and now in the
last populous age thou taughtest a scabshin friar the hellish invention
of powder and guns.
HEU. Call'st it hellish? thou liest! It is the admirablest invention of
all others, for whereas others imitate nature, this excels nature
herself.
MEM. True; for a cannon will kill as many at one shot as thunder doth
commonly at twenty.
ANA. Therefore more murdering art thou than the light-bolt[278].
HEU. But to show the strength of my conceit, I have found out a means to
withstand the stroke of the most violent culverin. Mendacio, thou saw'st
it, when I demonstrated the invention.
ANA. What, some woolpacks or mud walls, or such like?
HEU. Mendacio, I prythee tell it him, for I love not to be a trumpeter
of mine own praises.
MEN. I must needs confess this device to pass all that ever I heard or
saw, and thus it was--first he takes a falcon, and charges it (without
all deceits) with dry powder well-camphired[279], then did he put in a
single bullet, and a great quantity of drop-shot both round and
lachrymal. This done, he sets me a boy sixty paces off, just point blank
over against the mouth of the piece. Now in the very midst of the direct
line he fastens a post, upon which he hangs me in a cord a siderite of
Herculean stone[280].
ANA. Well, well, I know it well, it was found out in Ida, in the year of
the world ---- by one Magnes, whose name it retains, though vulgarly
they call it the Adamant.
MEN. When he had hanged this adamant in a cord, he comes back, and gives
fire to the touchhole: now the powder consumed to a void vacuum--
HEU. Which is intolerable in nature, for first shall the whole machine
of the world, heaven, earth, sea, and air, return to the misshapen house
of Chaos, than the least vacuum be found in the universe.
MEN. The bullet and drop-shot flew most impetuously from the fiery
throat of the culverin; but, O, strange, no sooner came they near the
adamant in the cord, but they were all arrested by the serjeant of
nature, and hovered in the air round about it, till they had lost the
force of their motion, clasping themselves close to the stone in most
lovely manner, and not any one flew to endanger the mark; so much did
they remember their duty to nature, that they forgot the errand they
were sent of.
ANA. This is a very artificial lie.
MEN. Nam, believe it, for I saw it, and which is more, I have practised
this device often. Once when I had a quarrel with one of my lady
Veritas' naked knaves, and had 'ppointed him the field, I conveyed into
the heart of my buckler an adamant, and when we met, I drew all the
foins of his rapier, whithersoever he intended them, or howsoever I
guided mine arm, pointed still to the midst of my buckler, so that by
this means I hurt the knave mortally, and myself came away untouched, to
the wonder of all the beholders.
ANA. Sirrah, you speak metaphorically, because thy wit, Mendacio, always
draws men's objections to thy forethought excuses.
HEU. Anamnestes, 'tis true, and I have an addition to this, which is to
make the bullet shot from the enemy to return immediately upon the
gunner. But let all these pass, and say the worst thou canst against me.
ANA. I say, guns were found out for the quick despatch of mortality; and
when thou sawest men grow wise, and beget so fair a child as Peace of so
foul and deformed a mother as War, lest there should be no murder, thou
devisedst poison.
MEN. Nay, fie, Nam, urge him not too far.
ANA. And last and worst, thou foundest out cookery, that kills more than
weapons, guns, wars, or poisons, and would destroy all, but that thou
invented'st physic, that helps to make away some.
HEU. But, sirrah, besides all this, I devised pillories for such forging
villains as thyself.
ANA. Call'st me villain?
[_They fight, and are parted by_ MENDACIO.
MEN. You shall not fight as long as I am here. Give over, I say.
HEU. Mendacio, you offer me great wrong to hold me: in good faith,
I shall fall out with you.
MEN. Away, away, away; you are Invention, are you not?
HEU. Yes, sir; what then?
MEN. And you Remembrance?
ANA. Well, sir, well?
MEN. Then I will be Judicium, the moderator betwixt you, and make you
both friends; come, come, shake hands, shake hands.
HEU. Well, well, if you will needs have it so.
ANA. I am in some sort content.
[MENDACIO _walks with them, holding them by the hands_.
MEN. Why, this is as it should be; when Mendacio hath Invention on the
one hand, and Remembrance on the other, as he'll be sure never to be
found with truth in his mouth, so he scorns to be taken in a lie. Eh,
eh, eh, my fine wags? Whist!
[COMMUNIS SENSUS _and the rest are seen to approach_.]
ANA. Whist!
HEU. Whist!
SCAENA SECUNDA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES,
_take their places on the bench as before_, AUDITUS _on the
stage, a page before him, bearing his target, the field Sable,
a heart Or; next him_ TRAGEDUS _apparelled in black velvet, fair
buskins, a falchion, &c.; then_ COMEDUS, _in a light-coloured
green taffeta robe, silk stockings, pumps, gloves, &c_.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, &c.
COM. SEN. They had some reason that held the soul a harmony, for it is
greatly delighted with music; how fast we were tied by the ears to the
consort of Voice's power! but all is but a little pleasure; what
profitable objects hath he?
PHA. Your ears will teach you presently, for now he is coming. That
fellow in the bays, methinks I should have known him; O, 'tis Comedus,
'tis so; but he has become nowadays something humorous, and too-too
satirical up and down, like his great grandfather Aristophanes.
ANA. These two, my lord, Comedus and Tragedus,
My fellows both, both twins, but so unlike,
As birth to death, wedding to funeral.
For this, that rears himself in buskins quaint,
Is pleasant at the first, proud in the midst,
Stately in all, and bitter death at end.
That in the pumps doth frown at first acquaintance,
Trouble in the midst, but in the end concludes,
Closing up all with a sweet catastrophe.
This grave and sad, distain'd with brinish tears;
That light and quick with wrinkled laughter[281] painted;
This deals with nobles, kings, and emperors,
Full of great fears, great hopes, great enterprises.
This other trades with men of mean condition:
His projects small, small hopes, and dangers little.
This gorgeous-broider'd with rich sentences:
That fair and purfled round with merriments.
Both vice detect and virtue beautify,
By being death's mirror, and life's looking-glass.
COM[282]. _Salutem primum jam a principio propitiam.
Mihi atque vobis, spectatores, nuntio_[283]--
PHA. Pish, pish, this is a speech with no action; let's hear Terence,
_Quid igitur faciam, &c_.
COM. _Quid igitur faciam? non eam? ne nunc quidem,
Cum arcessor ultro?[284]
PHA. Fie, fie, fie, no more action! lend me your bays, do it thus--_Quid
igitur, &c_.
[_He acts it after the old kind of pantomimic action_.
COM. SEN. I should judge this action, Phantastes, most absurd, unless we
should come to a comedy, as gentlewomen to the Commencement[285], only
to see men speak.
PHA. In my imagination, 'tis excellent; for in this kind the hand, you
know, is harbinger to the tongue, and provides the words a lodging in
the ears of the auditors.
COM. SEN. Auditus, it is now time you make us acquainted with the
quality of the house you keep in, for our better help in judgment.
AUD. Upon the sides of fair mount Cephalon
Have I two houses passing human skill:
Of finest matter by Dame Nature wrought,
Whose learned fingers have adorn'd the same
With gorgeous porches of so strange a form,
That they command the passengers to stay.
The doors whereof in hospitality
Nor day nor night are shut, but, open wide,
Gently invite all comers; whereupon
They are named the open ears of Cephalon.
But lest some bolder sound should boldly rush,
And break the nice composure of the work,
The skilful builder wisely hath enrang'd
An entry from each port with curious twines
And crook'd meanders, like the labyrinth
That Daedalus fram'd t'enclose the Minotaur;
At th'end whereof is plac'd a costly portal,
Resembling much the figure of a drum,
Granting slow entrance to a private closet.
Where daily, with a mallet in my hand,
I set and frame all words and sounds that come
Upon an anvil, and so make them fit
For the periwinkling porch[286], that winding leads
From my close chamber to your lordship's cell.
Thither do I, chief justice of all accents,
Psyche's next porter, Microcosm's front,
Learning's rich treasure, bring discipline,
Reason's discourse, knowledge of foreign states,
Loud fame of great heroes' virtuous deeds;
The marrow of grave speeches, and the flowers
Of quickest wits, neat jests, and pure conceits;
And oftentimes, to ease the heavy burthen
Of government your lordship's shoulders bear,
I thither do conduce the pleasing nuptials
Of sweetest instruments with heavenly noise.
If then Auditus have deserv'd the best,
Let him be dignified before the rest.
COM. SEN. Auditus, I am almost a sceptic in this matter, scarce knowing
which way the balance of the cause will decline. When I have heard the
rest, I will despatch judgment; meanwhile, you may depart.
[AUDITUS _leads his show about the stage, and then goes out_.
SCAENA TERTIA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORIA, PHANTASTES, ANAMNESTES, HEURESIS,
_as before_; OLFACTUS _in a garment of several flowers, a
page before him, bearing his target, his field Vert, a hound
Argent, two boys with casting-bottles[287], and two censers
with incense[288], another with a velvet cushion stuck with
flowers, another with a basket of herbs, another with a box
of ointment_. OLFACTUS _leads them about, and, making obeisance,
presents them before the Bench_.
1ST BOY. Your only way to make a good pomander[289] is this:--Take an
ounce of the purest garden mould, cleansed and steeped seven days in
change of motherless rosewater; then take the best ladanum, benzoine,
both storaxes, ambergris, civet, and musk: incorporate them together,
and work them into what form you please. This, if your breath be not too
valiant, will make you smell as sweet as my lady's dog.
PHA. This boy, it should seem, represents Odour, he is so perfect a
perfumer.
ODOUR. I do, my lord, and have at my command
The smell of flowers and odoriferous drugs,
Of ointments sweet and excellent perfumes,
And courtlike waters, which if once you smell,
You in your heart would wish, as I suppose,
That all your body were transform'd to nose.
PHA. Olfactus, of all the Senses, your objects have the worst luck; they
are always jarring with their contraries; for none can wear civet, but
they are suspected of a proper bad scent[290]; whence the proverb
springs, He smelleth best, that doth of nothing smell.
SCAENA QUARTA.
_The Bench and_ OLFACTUS, _as before_. TOBACCO, _apparelled in a
taffeta mantle, his arms brown and naked, buskins made of the
peeling of osiers, his neck bare, hung with Indian leaves, his
face brown, painted with blue stripes, in his nose swines' teeth,
on his head a painted wicker crown with tobacco-pipes set in it,
plumes of tobacco leaves, led by two Indian boys naked, with
tapers in their hands, tobacco-boxes, and pipes lighted_.
PHA. Foh, foh, what a smell is here! Is this one of your delightful
objects?
OLF. It is your only scent in request, sir.
COM. SEN. What fiery fellow is that, which smokes so much in the mouth?
OLF. It is the great and puissant God of Tobacco.
TOB. _Ladoch guevarroh pufuer shelvaro baggon,
Olfia di quanon, Indi cortilo vraggon_.
PHA. Ha, ha, ha, ha! this, in my opinion, is the tongue of the
Antipodes.
MEM. No, I remember it very well, it was the language the Arcadians
spake that lived long before the moon.
COM. SEN. What signifies it, Olfactus?
OLF. This is the mighty Emperor Tobacco, king of Trinidado, that, in
being conquered, conquered all Europe, in making them pay tribute for
their smoke.
TOB. _Erfronge inglues conde hesingo,
Develin floscoth ma pu cocthingo_.
OLF. Expeller of catarrhs, banisher of all agues, your guts' only salve
for the green wounds of a _non-plus_.
TOB. _All vulcam vercu, I parda pora si de gratam, ka famala mora, che
Bauho respartera, quirara_.
OLF. Son to the god Vulcan and Tellus, kin to the father of mirth,
called Bacchus.
TOB. _Viscardonok, pillostuphe, pascano tinaromagas,
Pagi dagon stollisinfe, carocibato scribas_.
OLF. Genius of all swaggerers, professed enemy to physicians, sweet
ointment for sour teeth, firm knot of good fellowship, adamant of
company, swift wind to spread the wings of time, hated of none but
those that know him not, and of so great deserts that, whoso is
acquainted with him can hardly forsake him.
PHA. It seems these last words were very significant. I promise you,
a god of great denomination; he may be my Lord Tappes for his large
titles[291].
COM. SEN. But forward, Olfactus, as they have done before you, with your
description?
OLF. Just in the midst of Cephalon's round face,
As 'twere a frontispiece unto the hill,
Olfactus' lodging built in figure long,
Doubly disparted with two precious vaults,
The roofs whereof most richly are enclos'd
With orient pearls and sparkling diamonds
Beset at th'end with emerauds and turchis[292],
And rubies red and flaming chrysolites,
At upper end whereof, in costly manner,
I lay my head between two spongeous pillows,
Like fair Adonis 'twixt the paps of Venus,
Where I, conducting in and out the wind,
Daily examine all the air inspir'd
By my pure searching, if that it be pure,
And fit to serve the lungs with lively breath:
Hence do I likewise minister perfume[s]
Unto the neighbour brain--perfumes of force
To cleanse your head, and make your fancy bright,
To refine wit and sharp[293] invention,
And strengthen memory: from whence it came,
That old devotion incense did ordain
To make man's spirit more apt for things divine.
Besides a thousand more commodities,
In lieu whereof your lordships I request,
Give me the crown, if I deserve it best.
[OLFACTUS _leads his company about the stage, and goes out_.
SCAENA QUINTA.
_The Bench as before. A page with a shield Argent, an ape proper
with an apple; then_ GUSTUS _with a cornucopia in his hand_.
BACCHUS _in a garland of leaves and grapes, a white suit, and
over it a thin sarcenet to his foot, in his hand a spear wreathed
with vine leaves, on his arm a target with a tiger_. CERES _with a
crown of ears of corn, in a yellow silk robe, a bunch of poppy in
her hand, a scutcheon charged with a dragon_.
COM. SEN. In good time, Gustus. Have you brought your objects?
GUS. My servant Appetitus followeth with them.
APP. Come, come, Bacchus, you are so fat; enter, enter.
PHA. Fie, fie, Gustus! this is a great indecorum to bring Bacchus alone;
you should have made Thirst lead him by the hand.
GUS. Right, sir; but men nowadays drink often when they be not dry;
besides, I could not get red herrings and dried neats' tongues enough to
apparel him in.
COM. SEN. What, never a speech of him?
GUS. I put an octave of iambics in his mouth, and he hath drunk it down.
APP. Well done, muscadine and eggs stand hot. What, buttered claret? go
thy way, thou hadst best; for blind men that cannot see how wickedly
thou look'st--How now, what small, thin fellow are you here? ha?
BOY. Beer, forsooth: Beer, forsooth.
APP. Beer forsooth, get you gone to the buttery, till I call for you;
you are none of Bacchus's attendants, I am sure; he cannot endure the
smell of malt. Where's Ceres? O, well, well, is the march-pane broken?
Ill luck, ill luck! Come hang't, never stand to set it together again.
Serve out fruit there.
[_Enter boys with a banquet, marmalade, sweets, &c.;
deliver it round among the gentlewomen, and go out_.]
What, do you come with roast-meat after apples? Away with it. Digestion,
serve out cheese. What, but a pennyworth! It is just the measure of his
nose that sold it! Lamb's wool, the meekest meat in the world; 'twill
let any man fleece it. Snapdragon there!
MEM. O, I remember this dish well: it was first invented by Pluto, to
entertain Proserpina withal.
PHA. I think not so, Memory; for when Hercules had killed the flaming
dragon of Hesperia with the apples of that orchard, he made this fiery
meat; in memory whereof he named it Snapdragon.
COM. SEN. Gustus, let's hear your description?
GUS. Near to the lowly base of Cephalon,
My house is plac'd not much unlike a cave:
Yet arch'd above by wondrous workmanship,
With hewen stones wrought smoother and more fine
Than jet or marble fair from Iceland brought.
Over the door directly doth incline
A fair percullis of compacture strong,
To shut out all that may annoy the state
Or health of Microcosm; and within
Is spread a long board like a pliant tongue,
At which I hourly sit, and trial take
Of meats and drinks needful and delectable:
Twice every day do I provision make
For the sumptuous kitchen of the commonwealth;
Which, once well-boil'd, is soon distributed
To all the members, well refreshing them
With good supply of strength-renewing food.
Should I neglect this nursing[294] diligence,
The body of the realm would ruinate;
Yourself, my lord, with all your policies
And wondrous wit, could not preserve yourself:
Nor you, Phantastes; nor you, Memory.
Psyche herself, were't not that I repair
Her crazy house with props of nourishment,
Would soon forsake us: for whose dearest sake
Many a grievous pain have I sustain'd
By bitter pills and sour purgations;
Which if I had not valiantly abiden,
She had been long ere this departed.
Since the whole Microcosm I maintain,
Let me, as Prince, above the Senses reign.
COM. SEN. The reasons you urge, Gustus, breed a new doubt, whether it
be commodious or necessary, the resolution whereof I refer to your
judgment, licensing you meanwhile to depart.
[GUSTUS _leads his show about the stage, and goes out_.
SCAENA SEXTA.
_The Bench as before_; TACTUS, _a page before him
bearing his scutcheon, a tortoise Sable_.
TAC. Ready anon, forsooth! the devil she will!
Who would be toil'd with wenches in a show?
COM. SEN. Why in such anger, Tactus? what's the matter?
TAC. My lord, I had thought, as other Senses did,
By sight of objects to have prov'd my worth;
Wherefore considering that, of all the things
That please me most, women are counted chief,
I had thought to have represented in my show
The queen of pleasure, Venus and her son,
Leading a gentleman enamoured
With his sweet touching of his mistress' lips,
And gentle griping of her tender hands,
And divers pleasant relishes of touch,
Yet all contained in the bounds of chastity.
PHA. Tactus, of all I long to see your objects;
How comes it we have lost those pretty sports?
TAC. Thus 'tis: five hours ago I set a dozen maids to attire a boy like
a nice gentlewoman; but there is such doing with their looking-glasses,
pinning, unpinning, setting, unsetting, formings and conformings;
painting blue veins and cheeks; such stir with sticks and combs,
cascanets, dressings, purls, falls, squares, busks, bodies, scarfs,
necklaces, carcanets, rebatoes, borders, tires, fans, palisadoes, puffs,
ruffs, cuffs, muffs, pusles, fusles, partlets, frislets, bandlets,
fillets, crosslets, pendulets, amulets, annulets, bracelets, and so many
lets, that yet she's scarce dressed to the girdle; and now there is such
calling for fardingales, kirtles, busk-points, shoe-ties, &c., that
seven pedlars' shops--nay, all Stourbridge fair, will scarce furnish
her. A ship is sooner rigged by far, than a gentlewoman made ready.
PHA. 'Tis strange that women, being so mutable,
Will never change in changing their apparel.
COM. SEN. Well, let them pass; Tactus, we are content
To know your dignity by relation.
TAC. The instrument of instruments, the hand,
Courtesy's index, chamberlain to nature,
The body's soldier, and mouth's caterer,
Psyche's great secretary, the dumb's eloquence,
The blind man's candle, and his forehead's buckler,
The minister of wrath, and friendship's sign,
This is my instrument: nevertheless my power
Extends itself far as our queen commands,
Through all the parts and climes of Microcosm.
I am the root of life, spreading my virtue
By sinews, that extend from head to foot
To every living part.
For as a subtle spider, closely sitting
In centre of her web that spreadeth round,
If the least fly but touch the smallest thread,
She feels it instantly; so doth myself,
Casting my slender nerves and sundry nets
O'er every particle of all the body,
By proper skill perceive the difference
Of several qualities, hot, cold, moist, and dry;
Hard, soft, rough, smooth, clammy, and slippery:
Sweet pleasure and sharp pain profitable,
That makes us (wounded) seek for remedy.
By these means do I teach the body fly
From such bad things as may endanger it.
A wall of brass can be no more defence
Unto a town than I to Microcosm.
Tell me what Sense is not beholden to me?
The nose is hot or cold, the eyes do weep,
The ears do feel, the taste's a kind of touching:
Thus, when I please, I can command them all,
And make them tremble, when I threaten them.
I am the eldest and biggest of all the rest,
The chiefest note and first distinction
Betwixt a living tree and living beast;
For though one hear and see, and smell and taste,
If he wants touch, he is counted but a block.
Therefore, my lord, grant me the royalty;
Of whom there is such great necessity.