A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. IX - Various
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AMIN. The wench I here watch with my bill,
_Amo, amas, amavi_ still.
_Qui audet_--let him come that dare!
Death, hell, and limbo be his share!
_Enter_ BRABO _with his sword in his hand_.
BRA. Where's Mistress Mary? never a post here,
A bar of iron, 'gainst which to try my sword?
Now, by my beard, a dainty piece of steel.
AMIN. O Jove, what a qualm is this I feel!
BRA. Come hither, Mall, is none here but we two?
When didst thou see the starveling schoolmaster?
That rat, that shrimp, that spindle-shank,
That wren, that sheep-biter, that lean chitty-face,
That famine, that lean envy, that all-bones,
That bare anatomy, that Jack-a-Lent,
That ghost, that shadow, that moon in the wane?
AMIN. I wail in woe, I plunge in pain.[15] [_Aside_.]
BRA. When next I find him here, I'll hang him up,
Like a dried sausage, in the chimney's top:
That stock-fish, that poor John, that gut of men!
AMIN. O, that I were at home again! [_Aside_.]
BRA. When he comes next, turn him into the streets.
Now, come, let's dance the shaking of the sheets.
[_Exeunt_ MISTRESS MARY _and_ BRABO.
AMIN. _Qui, quae, quod_!
Hence, boist'rous bill! come, gentle rod!
Had not grimalkin stamp'd and star'd,
Aminadab had little car'd;
Or if, instead of this brown bill,
I had kept my Mistress Virga still,
And he upon another's back,
His points untruss'd, his breeches slack;
My countenance he should not dash,
For I am expert in the lash.
But my sweet lass my love doth fly,
Which shall make me by poison die.
_Per fidem_, I will rid my life
Either by poison, sword, or knife.
[_Exit_.
ACT III., SCENE I.
_A Room in Young Arthur's House_.
_Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR _and_ PIPKIN.
MRS ART. Sirrah! when saw you your master?
PIP. Faith, mistress, when I last look'd upon him.
MRS ART. And when was that?
PIP. When I beheld him.
MRS ART. And when was that?
PIP. Marry, when he was in my sight, and that was yesterday; since when
I saw not my master, nor looked on my master, nor beheld my master, nor
had any sight of my master.
MRS ART. Was he not at my father-in-law's?
PIP. Yes, marry, was he.
MRS ART. Didst thou not entreat him to come home?
PIP. How should I, mistress? he came not there to-day.
MRS ART. Didst thou not say he was there?
PIP. True, mistress, he was there? but I did not tell ye when; he hath
been there divers times, but not of late.
MRS ART. About your business! here I'll sit and wait
His coming home, though it be ne'er so late.
Now once again go look him at the 'Change,
Or at the church with Sir Aminadab.
'Tis told me they use often conference;
When that is done, get you to school again.
PIP. I had rather play the truant at home, than go seek my master at
school: let me see, what age am I? some four and twenty, and how have
I profited? I was five years learning to crish cross[16] from great A,
and five years longer coming to F; there I stuck some three years,
before I could come to Q; and so, in process of time, I came to e per
se e, and com per se, and tittle; then I got to a, e, i, o, u; after,
to Our Father; and, in the sixteenth year of my age, and the fifteenth
of my going to school,
I am in good time gotten to a noun,
By the same token there my hose went down;
Then I got to a verb,
There I began first to have a beard;
Then I came to _iste, ista, istud_,
There my master whipped me till he fetched the blood,
And so forth: so that now I am become the greatest scholar in the
school, for I am bigger than two or three of them. But I am gone;
farewell, mistress!
[_Exit_.
SCENE II.
_The Street_.
_Enter_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.
FUL. Love none at all! They will forswear themselves,
And when you urge them with it, their replies
Are, that Jove laughs at lovers' perjuries.
ANS. You told me of a jest concerning that;
I prythee, let me hear it.
FUL. That thou shalt.
My mistress in a humour had protested,
That above all the world she lov'd me best;
Saying with suitors she was oft molested,
And she had lodg'd her heart within my breast;
And sware (but me), both by her mask and fan,
She never would so much as name a man.
Not name a man? quoth I; yet be advis'd;
Not love a man but me! let it be so.
You shall not think, quoth she, my thought's disguis'd
In flattering language or dissembling show;
I say again, and I know what I do,
I will not name a man alive but you.
Into her house I came at unaware,
Her back was to me, and I was not seen;
I stole behind her, till I had her fair,
Then with my hands I closed both her een;
She, blinded thus, beginneth to bethink her
Which of her loves it was that did hoodwink her.
First she begins to guess and name a man,
That I well knew, but she had known far better;
The next I never did suspect till then:
Still of my name I could not hear a letter;
Then mad, she did name Robin, and then James,
Till she had reckon'd up some twenty names;
At length, when she had counted up a score,
As one among the rest, she hit on me;
I ask'd her if she could not reckon more,
And pluck'd away my hands to let her see;
But, when she look'd back, and saw me behind her,
She blush'd, and ask'd if it were I did blind her?
And since I sware, both by her mask and fan,
To trust no she-tongue, that can name a man.
ANS. Your great oath hath some exceptions:
But to our former purpose; yon is Mistress Arthur;
We will attempt another kind of wooing,
And make her hate her husband, if we can.
FUL. But not a word of passion or of love;
Have at her now to try her patience.
_Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR.
God save you, mistress!
MRS ART. You are welcome, sir.
FUL. I pray you, where's your husband?
MRS ART. Not within.
ANS. Who, Master Arthur? him I saw even now
At Mistress Mary's, the brave courtesan's.
MRS ART. Wrong not my husband's reputation so;
I neither can nor will believe you, sir.
FUL. Poor gentlewoman! how much I pity you;
Your husband is become her only guest:
He lodges there, and daily diets there,
He riots, revels, and doth all things;
Nay, he is held the Master of Misrule
'Mongst a most loathed and abhorred crew:
And can you, being a woman, suffer this?
MRS ART. Sir, sir! I understand you well enough:
Admit, my husband doth frequent that house
Of such dishonest usage; I suppose
He doth it but in zeal to bring them home
By his good counsel from that course of sin;
And, like a Christian, seeing them astray
In the broad path that to damnation leads,
He useth thither to direct their feet
Into the narrow way that guides to heaven.
ANS. Was ever woman gull'd so palpably! [_Aside_.]
But, Mistress Arthur, think you as you say?
MRS ART. Sir, what I think, I think, and what I say,
I would I could enjoin you to believe.
ANS. Faith, Mistress Arthur, I am sorry for you:
And, in good sooth, I wish it lay in me
To remedy the least part of these wrongs
Your unkind husband daily proffers you.
MRS ART. You are deceived, he is not unkind:
Although he bear an outward face of hate,
His heart and soul are both assured mine.
ANS. Fie, Mistress Arthur! take a better spirit;
Be not so timorous to rehearse your wrongs:
I say, your husband haunts bad company,
Swaggerers, cheaters, wanton courtesans;
There he defiles his body, stains his soul,
Consumes his wealth, undoes himself and you
In danger of diseases, whose vile names
Are not for any honest mouths to speak,
Nor any chaste ears to receive and hear.
O, he will bring that face, admir'd for beauty,
To be more loathed than a lep'rous skin!
Divorce yourself, now whilst the clouds grow black;
Prepare yourself a shelter for the storm;
Abandon his most loathed fellowship:
You are young, mistress; will you lose your youth?
MRS ART. Tempt no more, devil! thy deformity
Hath chang'd itself into an angel's shape,
But yet I know thee by thy course of speech:
Thou gett'st an apple to betray poor Eve,
Whose outside bears a show of pleasant fruit;
But the vile branch, on which this apple grew,
Was that which drew poor Eve from paradise.
Thy Syren's song could make me drown myself,
But I am tied unto the mast of truth.
Admit, my husband be inclin'd to vice,
My virtues may in time recall him home;
But, if we both should desp'rate run to sin,
We should abide certain destruction.
But he's like one, that over a sweet face
Puts a deformed vizard; for his soul
Is free from any such intents of ill:
Only to try my patience he puts on
An ugly shape of black intemperance;
Therefore, this blot of shame which he now wears,
I with my prayers will purge, wash with my tears.
[_Exit_.
ANS. Fuller!
FUL. Anselm!
ANS. How lik'st thou this?
FUL. As school-boys jerks, apes whips, as lions cocks,
As Furies do fasting-days, and devils crosses,
As maids to have their marriage-days put off;
I like it as the thing I most do loathe.
What wilt thou do? for shame, persist no more
In this extremity of frivolous love.
I see, my doctrine moves no precise ears,
But such as are profess'd inamoratos.
ANS. O, I shall die!
FUL. Tush! live to laugh a little:
Here's the best subject that thy love affords;
Listen awhile and hear this: ho, boy! speak.
_Enter_ AMINADAB.
AMIN. _As in presenti_, thou loath'st the gift I sent thee;
_Nolo plus_ tarry, but die for the beauteous Mary;
Fain would I die by a sword, but what sword shall I die by?
Or by a stone, what stone? _nullus lapis jacet ibi_.
Knive I have none to sheathe in my breast, or empty my full veins:
Here's no wall or post which I can soil with my bruis'd brains;
First will I therefore say two or three creeds and Ave Marys,
And after go buy a poison at the apothecary's.
FUL. I pry thee, Anselm, but observe this fellow;
Doest not hear him? he would die for love;
That misshap'd love thou wouldst condemn in him,
I see in thee: I prythee, note him well.
ANS. Were I assur'd that I were such a lover
I should be with myself quite out of love:
I prythee, let's persuade him still to live.
FUL. That were a dangerous case, perhaps the fellow
In desperation would, to soothe us up,
Promise repentant recantation,
And after fall into that desperate course,
Both which I will prevent with policy.
AMIN. O death! come with thy dart! come, death, when I bid thee!
_Mors, veni: veni, mors_! and from this misery rid me;
She whom I lov'd--whom I lov'd, even she--my sweet pretty Mary,
Doth but flout and mock, and jest and dissimulary.
FUL. I'll fit him finely; in this paper is
The juice of mandrake, by a doctor made
To cast a man, whose leg should be cut off,
Into a deep, a cold, and senseless sleep;
Of such approved operation
That whoso takes it, is for twice twelve hours
Breathless, and to all men's judgments past all sense;
This will I give the pedant but in sport;
For when 'tis known to take effect in him,
The world will but esteem it as a jest;
Besides, it may be a means to save his life,
For being [not] perfect poison, as it seems
His meaning is, some covetous slave for coin
Will sell it him,[17] though it be held by law
To be no better than flat felony.
ANS. Uphold the jest--but he hath spied us; peace!
AMIN. Gentles, God save you!
Here is a man I have noted oft, most learn'd in physic,
One man he help'd of the cough, another he heal'd of the pthisic,
And I will board him thus, _salve, O salve, magister_!
FUL. _Gratus mihi advenis! quid mecum vis_?
AMIN. _Optatus venis; paucis te volo_.
FUL. _Si quid industria nostra tibi faciet, dic, quaeso_.
AMIN. Attend me, sir;--I have a simple house,
But, as the learned Diogenes saith
In his epistle to Tertullian,
It is extremely troubled with great rats;
I have no _mus_ puss, nor grey-ey'd cat,
To hunt them out. O, could your learned art
Show me a means how I might poison them,
_Tuus dum suus_, Sir Aminadab.
FUL. With all my heart; I am no rat-catcher;
But if you need a poison, here is that
Will pepper both your dogs, and rats, and cats:
Nay, spare your purse: I give this in good will;
And, as it proves, I pray you send to me,
And let me know. Would you aught else with me?
AMIN. _Minime quidem_; here's that you say will take them?
A thousand thanks, sweet sir; I say to you,
As Tully in his Aesop's Fables said
_Ago tibi gratias_; so farewell, _vale_!
[_Exit_.
FUL. Adieu! Come, let us go; I long to see,
What the event of this new jest will be.
_Enter_ YOUNG ARTHUR.
Y. ART. Good morrow, gentleman; saw you not this way,
As you were walking, Sir Aminadab?
ANS. Master Arthur, as I take it?
Y. ART. Sir, the same.
ANS. Sir, I desire your more familiar love:
Would I could bid myself unto your house,
For I have wish'd for your acquaintance long.
Y. ART. Sweet Master Anselm, I desire yours too;
Will you come dine with me at home to-morrow?
You shall be welcome, I assure you, sir.
ANS. I fear, sir, I shall prove too bold a guest.
Y. ART. You shall be welcome, if you bring your friend.
FUL. O Lord, sir, we shall be too troublesome.
Y. ART. Nay, now I will enforce a promise from you:
Shall I expect you?
FUL. Yes, with all my heart.
ANS. A thousand thanks. Yonder's the schoolmaster.
So, till to-morrow, twenty times farewell.
Y. ART. I double all your farewells twenty-fold.
ANS. O, this acquaintance was well scrap'd of me;
By this my love to-morrow I shall see.
[_Exeunt_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.
_Enter_ AMINADAB.
AMIN. This poison shall by force expel
_Amorem_, love, _infernum_, hell.
_Per hoc venenum, ego_, I
For my sweet lovely lass will die.
Y. ART. What do I hear of poison; which sweet means
Must make me a brave frolic widower?
It seems the doting fool, being forlorn,
Hath got some compound mixture in despair,
To end his desperate fortunes and his life;
I'll get it from him, and with this make way
To my wife's night and to my love's fair day.
AMIN. _In nomine domini_, friends, farewell!
I know death comes, here's such a smell!
_Pater et mater_, father and mother,
_Frater et soror_, sister and brother,
And my sweet Mary, not these drugs
Do send me to the infernal bugs,
But thy unkindness; so, adieu!
Hob-goblins, now I come to you.
Y. ART. Hold, man, I say! what will the madman do?
[_Takes away the supposed poison_.
Ay, have I got thee? thou shalt go with me. [_Aside_.
No more of that; fie, Sir Minadab!
Destroy yourself! If I but hear hereafter
You practise such revenge upon yourself,
All your friends shall know that for a wench--
A paltry wench--you would have kill'd yourself.
AMIN. _O tace, quaeso_; do not name
This frantic deed of mine for shame.
My sweet _magister_, not a word;
I'll neither drown me in a ford,
Nor give my neck such a scope,
T'embrace it with a hempen rope;
I'll die no way, till nature will me,
And death come with his dart, and kill me,
If what is pass'd you will conceal,
And nothing to the world reveal;
Nay, as Quintillian said of yore,
I'll strive to kill myself no more.
Y. ART. On that condition I'll conceal this deed:
To-morrow, pray, come and dine with me;
For I have many strangers; 'mongst the rest,
Some are desirous of your company.
You will not fail me?
AMIN. No, in sooth;
I'll try the sharpness of my tooth;
Instead of poison, I will eat
Rabbits, capons, and such meat;
And so, as Pythagoras says,
With wholesome fare prolong my days.
But, sir, will Mistress Mall be there?
Y. ART. She shall, she shall; man, never fear.
AMIN. Then my spirit becomes stronger,
And I will live and stretch longer;
For Ovid said, and did not lie,
That poison'd men do often die:
But poison henceforth I'll not eat,
Whilst I can other victuals get.
To-morrow, if you make a feast,
Be sure, sir, I will be your guest.
But keep my counsel, _vale tu_!
And, till to-morrow, sir, adieu!
At your table I will prove,
If I can eat away my love. [_Exit_.
Y. ART. O, I am glad I have thee; now devise
A way how to bestow it cunningly;
It shall be thus: to-morrow I'll pretend
A reconcilement 'twixt my wife and me,
And to that end I will invite thus many--
First Justice Reason, as the chief man there;
My father Arthur, old Lusam, young Lusam.
Master Fuller and Master Anselm I have bid already;
Then will I have my lovely Mary too,
Be it but to spite my wife, before she die;
For die she shall before to-morrow night.
The operation of this poison is
Not suddenly to kill; they that take it
Fall in a sleep, and then 'tis past recure,
And this will I put in her cup to-morrow.
_Enter_ PIPKIN, _running_.
PIP. This 'tis to have such a master! I have sought him at the 'Change,
at the school, at every place, but I cannot find him nowhere.
[_Sees_ M. ART.]
O, cry mercy! my mistress would entreat you to come home.
Y. ART. I cannot come to-night; some urgent business
Will all this night employ me otherwise.
PIP. I believe my mistress would con you as much thank to do that
business at home as abroad.
Y. ART. Here, take my purse, and bid my wife provide
Good cheer against to-morrow; there will be
Two or three strangers of my late acquaintance.
Sirrah, go you to Justice Reason's house;
Invite him first with all solemnity;
Go to my father's and my father-in-law's;
Here, take this note--
The rest that come I will invite myself:
About it with what quick despatch thou can'st.
PIP. I warrant you, master, I'll despatch this business with more
honesty than you'll despatch yours. But, master, will the gentlewoman
be there?
Y. ART. What gentlewoman?
PIP. The gentlewoman of the old house, that is as well known by the
colour she lays on her cheeks, as an alehouse by the painting is laid
on his lattice; she that is, like _homo_, common to all men; she that
is beholden to no trade, but lives of herself.
Y. ART. Sirrah, begone, or I will send you hence.
PIP. I'll go [_aside_]; but, by this hand, I'll tell my mistress as
soon as I come home that mistress light-heels comes to dinner
to-morrow. [_Exit_.
Y. ART. Sweet Mistress Mary, I'll invite myself:
And there I'll frolic, sup, and spend the night.
My plot is current; here 'tis in my hand
Will make me happy in my second choice:
And I may freely challenge as mine own,
What I am now enforc'd to seek by stealth.
Love is not much unlike ambition;
For in them both all lets must be remov'd
'Twixt every crown and him that would aspire;
And he that will attempt to win the same
Must plunge up to the depth o'er head and ears,
And hazard drowning in that purple sea:
So he that loves must needs through blood and fire,
And do all things to compass his desire.
[_Exit_.
SCENE III.
_A Room in Young Arthur's House_.
_Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR _and her_ MAID.
MRS ART. Come, spread the table; is the hall well rubb'd?
The cushions in the windows neatly laid?
The cupboard of plate set out? the casements stuck
With rosemary and flowers? the carpets brush'd?
MAID. Ay, forsooth, mistress.
MRS ART. Look to the kitchen-maid, and bid the cook take down the
oven-stone, [lest] the pies be burned: here, take my keys, and give
him out more spice.
MAID. Yes, forsooth, mistress.
MRS ART. Where's that knave Pipkin? bid him spread the cloth,
Fetch the clean diaper napkins from my chest,
Set out the gilded salt, and bid the fellow
Make himself handsome, get him a clean band.
MAID. Indeed, forsooth, mistress, he is such a sloven,
That nothing will sit handsome about him;
He had a pound of soap to scour his face,
And yet his brow looks like the chimney-stock.
MRS ART. He'll be a sloven still; maid, take this apron,
And bring me one of linen: quickly, maid.
MAID. I go, forsooth.
MRS ART. There was a curtsy! let me see't again;
Ay, that was well.--[_Exit_ MAID.] I fear my guests will come
Ere we be ready. What a spite is this.
_Within_. Mistress!
MRS ART. What's the matter?
_Within_. Mistress, I pray, take Pipkin from the fire;
We cannot keep his fingers from the roast.
MRS ART. Bid him come hither; what a knave is that!
Fie, fie, never out of the kitchen!
Still broiling by the fire!
_Enter_ PIPKIN.
PIP. I hope you will not take Pipkin from the fire,
Till the broth be enough.
_Enter_ MAID, _with an apron_.
MRS ART. Well, sirrah, get a napkin and a trencher,
And wait to-day. So, let me see: my apron. [_Puts it on_.]
PIP. Mistress, I can tell ye one thing, my master's wench
Will come home to-day to dinner.
_Enter_ JUSTICE REASON, _and his man_ HUGH.
MRS ART. She shall be welcome, if she be his guest.
But here's some of our guests are come already:
A chair for Justice Reason, sirrah!
JUS. Good morrow, Mistress Arthur! you are like a good housewife:
At your request I am come home. What, a chair!
Thus age seeks ease. Where is your husband, mistress?
What, a cushion, too!
PIP. I pray you, ease your tail, sir.
JUS. Marry, and will, good fellow; twenty thanks.
[HUGH _and_ PIPKIN _converse apart_.]
PIP. Master Hugh, as welcome as heart can tell, or tongue can think.
HUGH. I thank you, Master Pipkin; I have got many a good dish of broth
by your means.
PIP. According to the ancient courtesy, you are welcome; according to
the time and place, you are heartily welcome: when they are busied at
the board, we will find ourselves busied in the buttery; and so, sweet
Hugh, according to our scholars' phrase, _gratulor adventum tuum_.
HUGH. I will answer you with the like, sweet Pipkin, _gratias_.
PIP. As much grace as you will, but as little of it as you can,
good Hugh. But here comes more guests.
_Enter_ OLD MASTER ARTHUR _and_ OLD MASTER LUSAM.
MRS ART. More stools and cushions for these gentlemen.
O. ART. What, Master Justice Reason, are you here?
Who would have thought to have met you in this place?
O. LUS. What say mine eyes, is Justice Reason here?
Mountains may meet, and so, I see, may we.
JUS. Well, when men meet, they meet,
And when they part, they oft leave one another's company;
So we, being met, are met.
O. LUS. Truly, you say true;
And Master Justice Reason speaks but reason:
To hear how wisely men of law will speak!
_Enter_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.
ANS. Good morrow, gentlemen!
MRS ART. What? are you there?
ANS. Good morrow, mistress, and good morrow, all!
JUS. If I may be so bold in a strange place,
I say, good morrow, and as much to you.
I pray, gentlemen, will you sit down?
We have been young, like you; and, if you live
Unto our age, you will be old like us.
FUL. Be rul'd by reason; but who's here?
_Enter_ AMINADAB.
AMIN. _Salvete, omnes_! and good day
To all at once, as I may say;
First, Master Justice; next, Old Arthur,
That gives me pension by the quarter;
To my good mistress and the rest,
That are the founders of this feast;
In brief, I speak to _omnes_, all,
That to their meat intend to fall.
JUS. Welcome, Sir Aminadab; O, my son
Hath profited exceeding well with you:
Sit down, sit down, by Mistress Arthur's leave.
_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, YOUNG MASTER
LUSAM, _and_ MISTRESS MARY.
Y. ART. Gentlemen, welcome all; whilst I deliver
Their private welcomes, wife, be it your charge
To give this gentlewoman entertainment.
MRS ART. Husband, I will. O, this is she usurps
The precious interest of my husband's love;
Though, as I am a woman, I could well
Thrust such a lewd companion out of doors;
Yet, as I am a true, obedient, wife,
I'd kiss her feet to do my husband's will. [_Aside_.
You are entirely welcome, gentlewoman;
Indeed you are; pray, do not doubt of it.
MRS MA. I thank you, Mistress Arthur; now, by my little honesty,
It much repents me to wrong so chaste a woman. [_Aside_.
Y. ART. Gentles, put o'er your legs; first, Master Justice,
Here you shall sit.
JUS. And here shall Mistress Mary sit by me.
Y. ART. Pardon me, sir, she shall have my wife's place.
MRS ART. Indeed, you shall, for he will have it so.
MRS MA. If you will needs; but I shall do you wrong
To take your place.
O. LUS. Ay, by my faith, you should.
MRS ART. That is no wrong, which we impute no wrong!
I pray you, sit.
Y. ART. Gentlemen all, I pray you, seat yourselves:
What, Sir Aminadab, I know where your heart is.
[_Aside_.
AMIN. Mum, not a word, _pax vobis_, peace:
Come, gentles, I'll be of this mess.
Y. ART. So, who gives thanks?
AMIN. Sir, that will I.
Y. ART. I pray you to it by and by.
Where's Pipkin?
Wait at the board; let Master Season's man
Be had into the buttery; but first give him
A napkin and a trencher. Well-said. Hugh,
Wait at your master's elbow: now say grace.
AMIN. _Gloria Deo_, sirs, proface;
Attend me now, whilst I say grace.
For bread and salt, for grapes and malt,
For flesh and fish, and every dish;
Mutton and beef, of all meats chief;
For cow-heels, chitterlings, tripes and souse,
And other meat that's in the house;
For racks, for breasts, for legs, for loins,
For pies with raisins and with proins,
For fritters, pancakes, and for fries,
For ven'son pasties and minc'd pies;
Sheeps'-head and garlic, brawn and mustard,
Wafers, spic'd cakes, tart, and custard;
For capons, rabbits, pigs, and geese,
For apples, caraways, and cheese;
For all these and many mo:
_Benedicamus Domino_!