A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VIII (4th edition) - Various
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VAN. Indeed?
TEN. Here's my hand.
VAN. Now, sir, in sooth you offer so bountifully,
As needs you must be us'd accordingly.
But tell me, know you him that cometh here?
TEN. Cock's bores, 'tis Prodigality; 'tis he I did fear.
Cham afraid che may go whistle now for money.
VAN. Tush, man, be of good cheer, I warrant thee;
He speedeth best, that best rewardeth me.
SCENE IV.
_Enter_ PRODIGALITY, VANITY, TENACITY, HOST, FORTUNE, _and_ MONEY.
HOST. Sir, now your reckoning is made even:
I'll trust no more.
PROD. No?
HOST. No, sure.
PROD. Set cock-on-hoop then; by some means, good or bad,
There is no remedy, but money must be had.
By the body of an ox, behold here this ass,
Will be my familiar, wheresoever I pass.
Why, goodman Crust, tell me, is there no nay,
But where I go, you must forestal my way?
TEN. By Gog's flesh and his flounders, sir, che hope the Queen's highway
is free for euery man! for thee as me, for me as thee, for poor Tenacity
as for proud Prodigality! chill go, in the Queen's peace, about my
business.
PROD. This way?
TEN. Yea.
PROD. To whom?
TEN. To Vortune my mistress.
PROD. Wherefore?
TEN. That's no matter to you.
PROD. No matter, sir? but, by your crustship, ere you go,
'Tis a plain case, Prodigality will know:
And therefore be round; come off, and tell me quickly.
TEN. And thou'dst so vain know, che go for money.
PROD. Out upon thee, villain, traitor, thief, pickpurse!
Thou penurious knave, caterpillar, and what's worse?
Hast thou heard me say, that for money I went,
And couldst thou creep so closely my purpose to prevent?
By the life I live, thou shalt die the death.
Where shall I first begin? above or beneath?
Say thy prayers, slave--
VAN. How now, my friends, what needs this variance?
Money comes not by force, money comes by chance;
And sith at one instant you both seek for money,
Appeal both to Fortune, and then shall you try,
Whether either or neither may hit to have money.
PROD. Gentleman, you say well: I know not your name;
But indeed for that purpose to Fortune I came:
For furtherance whereof if I might obtain
Your friendly help, I would quit your pain.
TEN. I am your old acquaintance, sir, remember me.
VAN. Thee, quoth a? for thy large offers I may not forget thee.
You be both my friends, and therefore indifferently
I will commend you both to Fortune's courtesy.
[_To_ FOR.] Lady most bright, renowmed goddess fair,
Unto thy stately throne here do repair
Two suitors of two several qualities,
And qualities, indeed, that be mere contraries.
That one is called wasteful Prodigality:
This[389] one cleped covetous Tenacity.
Both at once unto your royal majesty
Most humbly make their suits for money.
FOR. Let's hear what they can say.
PROD. Divine goddess, behold, with all humility
For money I appeal unto thy deity;
Which, in high honour of thy majesty,
I mean to spend abroad most plentifully.
TEN. Sweet mistress, grant to poor Tenacity
The keeping of this golden darling money:
Chill vow to thee, so long as life shall dure,
Under strong lock and key chill keep him vast and sure.
VAN. Nay, pleaseth then your pleasant fantasy
To hear them plead in musical harmony?
FOR. It liketh me.
PROD. None better.
TEN. Well, though my singing be but homely,
Chill sing and spring[390] too, ere chud loose money.
VAN. Well, to it, a God's name; let saying go than;[391]
And each sing for himself the best he can.
_The Song_.
PROD. _The princely heart, that freely spends,
Relieves full many a thousand more,
He getteth praise, he gaineth friends,
And people's love procures therefore.
But pinching fist, that spareth all,
Of due relief the needy robs:
Nought can be caught, where nought doth fall,
There comes no good of greedy cobs.
This issue therefore do I make:
The best deserver draw the stake_.
TEN. Whilst thou dost spend with friend and foe,
At home che hold the plough by th' tail:
Che dig, che delve, che zet, che zow,
Che mow, che reap, che ply my flail.
A pair of dice is thy delight,
Thou liv'st for most part by the spoil:
I truly labour day and night
To get my living by my toil.
Chill therefore sure this issue make:
The best deserver draw the stake_.
VAN. Hallo! _satis disputatum_.
TEN. Nay, by my father's soul, friend, now chave once begun,
Let him to't, che pass not when che done.
PROD. Lo, Lady, you have heard our reasons both express'd,
And thereby are resolv'd, I hope, who merits best.
FOR. Dame Fortune dealeth not by merit, but by chance:
He hath it but by hap, whom Fortune doth advance;
And of his hap as he hath small assurance:
So in his hap likewise is small continuance.
Therefore at a venture, my dear son Money,
I do commit you unto Prodigality.
TEN. To Prodigality? Ah, poor Money, I pity thee;
Continual unrest must be thy destiny:
Each day, each hour, yea, every minute tost,
Like to a tennis-ball, from pillar to post.
MONEY. I am, where I like.
TEN. [To VAN.] And is there, then, no other remedy?
Must poor Tenacity put up the injury?
VAN. Your time is not yet come.
TEN. When will it come, trow ye?
VAN. At the next turning water, happily.
TEN. And che wist that, chud the more quietly depart,
And keep therewhile a hungry hoping heart.
How sayest thou, vriend Fanity?
VAN. No doubt, but 'tis best.
TEN. Then varewell to all at once. [_Exit_.
PROD. Good night and good rest.
And now will I likewise with my sweet Money
Go hunt abroad for some good company.
Vanity, for thy pains I will not grease thy fist
Peltingly[392] with two or three crowns; but, when thou list,
Come boldly unto Prodigality's chest,
And take what thou wilt; it's ever open.
VAN. I thank you, sir; 'tis honourably spoken.
PROD. Yet, ere I go, with song of joyfulness
Let me to Fortune show my thankfulness.
_The Song.
Verse to_ FORTUNE.
_Thou that dost guide the world by thy direction,
Thou that dost conquer states to thy subjection,
Thou that dost keep each king in thy correction,
Thou that preservest all in thy protection,
For all thy gifts unto thy majesty
I yield both thanks and praise immortally:
To mighty Fortune, &c.
Verse to_ MONEY.
_Sweet Money, the minion that sails with all winds,
Sweet Money, the minstrel that makes merry all minds,
Sweet Money, that gables of bondage unbinds,
Sweet Money, that maintains all sports of all kinds,
This is that sweet Money, that rules like a king,
And makes me all praises of Money to sing
[Exeunt_.
ACT III., SCENE I.
_Enter_ DANDALINE, _the hostess_.
DAN. Now, i'faith, ye little peevish harlotry,[393]
I'll one day make you spit your meat more handsomely.
By my truth, truly had I not come in the rather,
She had laid me to the fire the loin of veal and capon both together,
Not weighing (like an unwitty girlish mother),
That the one would ask more roasting than the other;
So that either the veal had been left stark raw,
Or else the capon burnt, and so not worth a straw.
And that had been pity: for I assure you at a word,
A better bird, a fairer bird, a finer bird:
A sweeter bird, a younger bird, a tenderer bird:
A daintier bird, a crisper bird, a more delicate bird:
Was there never set upon any gentleman's board.
But I lack my guests, that should pay for this gear:
And sure my mind gives me, I should find them here,
Two of mine acquaintance, familiar grown,
The third to me yet a gentleman unknown,
More than by hearsay, that he is fresh and lusty,
Full of money, and by name Prodigality.
Now, sir, to link him sure to his hostess Dandaline,
Dandaline must provide to have all things very fine.
And therefore already it is _definitum_,
The gentleman shall want nothing may please his _appetitum_.
And because most meats unsauced are motives to drouth,
He shall have a lemon to moisten his mouth,
A lemon I mean; no lemon I trow;
Take heed, my fair maids, you take me not so.
For though I go not as grave as my grandmother,
Yet I have honesty as well as another.
But hush, now shall I hear some news.
[_Manet_.
SCENE II.
_Enter_ TOM TOSS, DICK DICER.[394]
DICER. Fellow Tomkin, I think this world is made of flint;
There's neither money, nor wares worth money, in't.
TOSS. Hold thy peace, Dick, it cannot still keep at this stint:
We are now lighted upon such a mint,
As (follow it well) I dare warrant thee,
Thy turn shall be served in every degree.
DAND. Dick boy, mine own boy, how dost thou? what cheer?
DICER. What, Dandeline, mine hostess, what make you here?
DAND. I came of purpose to inquire for thee.
DICER. And I came of purpose to seek Prodigality.
DAND. What, he you told me of? indeed, is it he?
DICER. Ay, of my fidelity.
DAND. A good boy, of mine honesty.
But when come ye?
DICER. As soon as I can find him.
DAND. Seek him, good Dick, and find him speedily:
For this, I assure ye, your supper is ready.
DICER. Go home before, make all things very fine.
DAND. I will. Farewell.
DICER. Farewell.
DAND. Farewell to Tomkin, too?
TOSS. Farewell, sweet Dandaline.
DAND. But, hear ye? bring him.
DICER. Who?
DAND. Tush, a God's name, you know who!
I mean the gentleman.
DICER. Go to, go to. [DANDALINE _exit_.
Tom, now to the purpose where first we began.
TOSS. Cast care away, Dick; I'll make thee a man.
DICER. A gospel in thy mouth, Tom, for it never went worse.
Master Money hath left me never a penny in my purse.
TOSS. 'Twill be better, Dick, shalt see, very shortly.
DICER. I pray thee, tell me is this brave Prodigality,
So full of money as he is said to be?
TOSS. Full, quotha? he is too full, I promise thee.
DICER. And will he lash it out so lustily?
TOSS. Exceedingly, unreasonably, unmeasureably.
DICER. Then may such mates as we, that be so bare,
Hope some way or other to catch a share.
TOM. Assure thyself that; but whist, he cometh here:
Let's entertain him with familiar cheer.
DICER. In order, then, bravely.
[_Retire_.
SCENE III.
_Enter_ PRODIGALITY, _with_ MONEY.
PROD. How is't, my sweet Money, shall we be lusty now?
MON. Be as lusty as you will. I'll be as lusty as you.
PROD. Who lacks money, ho! who lacks money?
But ask and have: money, money, money!
DICER. Sir, here be they that care not for your money,
So much as for your merry company.
PROD. And company is it I seek assuredly.
TOSS. Then here be companions to fit your fantasy,
And at all assays to answer your desire:
To go, to run, to stay, to do, as you require.
PROD. What can I wish more? well then, I pray,
What sports, what pastimes, shall we first assay?
TOSS. Marry, first, sir, we both pray you heartily,
To take a poor supper with us here hard by,
Where we will determine by common consent,
What pastimes are fittest for us to frequent.
PROD. I grant.
DICER. Then, if you please, with some sweet roisting harmony
Let us begin the utas[395] of our jollity.
PROD. Thou hitt'st my hand pat. Money, what say'st thou?
MON. I say that I like it: go to it, I pray you.
PROD. Shall I begin?
MON. Yea.
PROD. Then surely shall it be,
To thee, for thee, and in honour of thee.
_The Song.
Sweet Money, the minion that sails with all winds,
Sweet Money, the minstrel, that makes merry minds.
Flitozolaknops_[396]
[_Exeunt_.
SCENE IV.
_Enter_ LIBERALITY.
LIB. The more a man with virtuous dealing doth himself inure,
The less with worldly business he is molested sure;
Which maketh proof that, as turmoils still toss the worldly mind:
So minds exempt from worldly toil desired quiet find.
And chiefly, where the life is led in virtuous exercise,
There is no toil, but ease and contentation to the wise.
But what account, how slight regard, is had of virtue here,
By actions on this worldly stage most plainly doth appear.
Men see without most just desert of virtue nought is got,
To Fortune therefore fly they still, that giveth all by lot;
And finding Fortune's gifts so pleasant, sweet, and savoury,
They build thereon, as if they should endure perpetually.
But this is sure, and that most sure, that Fortune is unsure,
Herself most frail, her gifts as frail, subject to every shower:
And in the end, who buildeth most upon her surety,
Shall find himself cast headlong down to depth of misery.
Then having felt the crafty sleights of Fortune's fickle train,
Is forc'd to seek by virtue's aid to be relieved again.
This is the end; run how he list, this man of force must do,
Unless his life be clean cut off, this man must come unto:
In time, therefore, man might do well to care for his estate,
Lest, letted by extremity, repentance come too late.
SCENE V.
_Enter to_ LIBERALITY CAPTAIN WELL-DONE.
CAP. W. Sir, I beseech you, speak a good word for me to the prince,
That by her letters I may be commended to some province,
Where service is to be had, either there to die with fame,
Or else to get me somewhat, whereon to live without shame;
For beg I cannot, and steal I may not, the truth is so;
But need doth make, the proverb say'th, th'old wife to trot for woe.
Yet whom stark need doth pinch, at length the devil drives to go:
Therefore, I beseech you, pity his extremity,
That would not make this suit without necessity.
LIB. Who be you, my friend?
CAP. W. By birth a gentleman, by profession a soldier,
Who, though I say it, in all our sovereign's war,
With hazard of my blood and life have gone as far,
As haply some others, whose fortunes have been better:
But I in service yet could never be a getter,
Ne can I impute it but to mine own destiny:
For well I know the prince is full of liberality.
LIB. What is your name, sir?
CAP. W. My name is Well-done.
LIB. Are you Captain Well-done?
CAP. W. Though unworthy, sir, I bear that name.
LIB. Give me your hand, Captain Well-done, for your fame
In feats of arms and service of your country
I have heard oft; you have deserved greatly;
Therefore think this that, as you merit much,
So the consideration thereof shall be such,
As duly doth pertain to your desert.
Trust me, the prince herself, unmoved of my part,
Your dutiful service hath specially regarded,
And expressly commands that it be well rewarded
Wherefore you shall not need to seek service abroad:
I exhort you at home still to make your abode:
That if in this realm occasions of wars be offered,
You and others your like may be employed.
CAP. W. My duty binds me to obey.
LIB. Then for this time you shall not need to stay.
As for your cause, I will remember it,
And see it holpen too, as shall be fit.
[_Exit_ WELL-DONE.
LIB. Truly, if I should not have care of this man's necessity,
I should both swerve from virtue and from honesty.
SCENE VI.
_Enter to_ LIBERALITY _a_ COURTIER.
COUR. Sir, I humbly beseech you help to prefer my suit.
LIB. What is it?
COUR. There is an office fall'n, which I would gladly execute.
LIB. Who be you?
COUR. A servant here in court.
LIB. Do you serve the prince?
COUR. No, and please you.
LIB. Whom then?
COUR. A nobleman near about her majesty.
LIB. In what degree?
COUR. Forsooth, sir, as his secretary.
LIB. How long have you served?
COUR. A year or twain.
LIB. And would you so soon be preferred?
In sooth, my friend, I would be glad, as I may,
To do you any good: but this I say:
Who seeks by virtue preferment to attain,
In virtuous proceeding must take more pain,
Than can be well taken in a year or twain.
For time gives experience of every man's deeds,
And each man by merit accordingly speeds.
Go forward, my friend, in virtue with diligence,
And time, for your service, shall yield you recompence.
Your lord and master is very honourable,
And him in your suits you shall find favourable:
And as for my part, as erst I did say,
I never will hinder, where further I may.
Let this for this time be your answer.
COUR. Sir, with my boldness, I beseech you to bear.
LIB. God be with you. [_Exit_ COURTIER.
Some men deserve, and yet do want their due;
Some men, again, on small deserts do sue,
It therefore standeth princes' officers in hand,
The state of every man rightly to understand,
That so by balance of equality
Each man may have his hire[397] accordingly.
Well, since dame Virtue unto me doth charge of many things refer,
I must go do that best beseems a faithful officer.
[_Exit_.
ACT IV., SCENE I.
_Enter_ MONEY.
MON. _Liberty, liberty_! now I cry _liberty_!
Catch me again, when you can, Prodigality!
Never was there poor soul so cruelly handled.
I was at the first, like a cockney[398] dandled,
Strok'd on the head, kiss'd and well cherished,
And so thought surely I should have continued:
But now, how my case is altered suddenly!
You would not believe, unless you saw it apparently.
I'faith, since ye saw me, I have been turmoiled
From post to pillar: see how I am spoiled.
The villains among them provided the roast;
But Money was forced to pay for the cost
Both of their feasting and of their chamber cheer.
Yea, in every place they have fleec'd me so near:
He a fleece, and she a fleece, that nothing could I keep,
But glad to run away like a new-shorn sheep.
And though I have been pinched very near,
I am glad to see you in good health, every one here:
And now I have escaped the traitorous treachery
Of such a thriftless, roisting company,
To my mother in haste again I will get me,
And keep at home safely: from thence let them fet me.
[_Exit_.
SCENE II.
_Enter_ VANITY _and_ MONEY.
VAN. What, Master Money, how goeth the world with you?
MON. Look but upon me, thou may'st quickly judge how.
VAN. Why, where the vengeance, where the devil hast thou been?
Among brambles or briars? or spirits, sure, I ween.
MON. Both ween it and wot it! I have pass'd a wilderness
Of most mischievous and miserable distress;
Sharp brambles, sharp briars, and terrible scratchers,
Bears, wolves, apes, lions, most ravening snatchers,
Thorns, thistles, and nettles, most horrible stingers,
Ravens, gripes and griphons. O vengeable wringers,
Yea through my whole passage such damnable sights,
As I cannot but judge them most damnable sprites.
VAN. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MON. Laugh ye, my friend? It is no laughing toy.
VAN. But who did guide you in this labyrinth of joy?
MON. Who, sir? your minion, sir; Prodigality,
The captain elected of all roisting knavery;
He will be hang'd, I warrant him, shortly.
VAN. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MON. Yet go to, laugh on!
VAN. Are you not a cuck--cuck-cold?
MON. I may be indeed; my clothes be but thin,
And therefore I will even go get me in,
That Fortune, my mother, may clothe me anew. [_Exit_.
VAN. Do so, you had need so, I may say to you.
Now, sure, it is a world of worlds to see,
How all the world inclines to Vanity;
Men seek at first--that is but Vanity,
And lose at last--that was but Vanity,
And yet continue still to follow Vanity,
As though it were a thing of certainty.
And I, that bear the name of Vanity,
And see the world's exceeding Vanity,
In following so the tracks of Vanity,
Do triumph still amid my empery,
And laugh at their simplicity,
That will be so misled by Vanity.
But who is this? O, I know him, a scholar of our train,
'Tis Hob-a-Clunch, that comes for money again.
SCENE III.
_Enter to_ VANITY, TENACITY, FORTUNE, _and_ MONEY.
TEN. God speed, Master Fanity.
VAN. Wocum,[399] Master Tenacity.
TEN. Sur, cham come once again vor money.
VAN. So me thinks.
TEN. Shall be sped now at length, trow ye?
VAN. I cannot tell ye, 'tis hard to say;
Peradventure yea, peradventure nay.
TEN. How so, man?
VAN. I fear me you will spend him too fast away.
TEN. Ho, ho, ho, ho! dost thou vear that, friend Fanity?
Shalt not need, man, chill keep him safe, che warrant thee.
O, that chad him in my clutches, shouldst see, I trow,
Whether chud keep him vast and safe, or no.
I pray thee, good sweet Master Fanity,
Speak one good word for poor Tenacity.
VAN. And dost thou indeed so well love money?
TEN. Do my wife's bees at home, think'st thou, love honey?
VAN. What wouldst thou do with it?
TEN. [_Hesitating_.] Chud, chud, chud, chud--
VAN. _Chud, chud_! what _chud_?
TEN. Chud--do no harm at all.
VAN. No, nor much good, I think, to great nor small.
But well, put case, I procure thee to speed,
You will remember your promise that I shall be fee'd.
TEN. God's vast, man, yea, chill do it, chill do it.
VAN. Stand there a while, and wait.
[_To_ FORTUNE.] Bright goddess, behold here again Tenacity,
That humbly makes his suit to have money.
MON. For Money? ho, there! Money finds himself well:
Money now hath no liking from Fortune to dwell.
VAN. _In vanum laboraverunt_, come.
TEN. Now, good soot', honey, vair golden mustress,
Let poor Tenacity taste of thy goodness:
Thee che honour, thee che serve, thee che reverence,
And in thy help che put my whole confidence.
FOR. Money, you must go to him, there is no remedy.
MON. Yea, and be us'd as before with Prodigality!
TEN. Let Prodigality go to the gallows-tree!
Why, man, he and I are clean contrary.
I chill coll thee, chill cuss thee.
MON, So did he.
TEN. Chill save thee, chill spare thee, chill keep thee from wasting.
MON. So did not he.
Go to then, seeing that my mother's will is such,
To put it in adventure I may not grutch.
TEN. O my sweeting, my darling, my chewel, my joy,
My pleasure, my treasure, mine own pretty boy.
MON. How now? what mean you by this, Tenacity.
TEN. O, forbid me not to kiss my sweet Money.
Varewell, Vortune; and, Vortune, che thank thee alway.
Come on, surrah, chill make you vast, bum vay.
MON. What, with ropes? what needs that?
TEN. Vor vear of robbing by the highway.
_La, mi, fa, sol, fa; sol, mi, fa, re, mi_.
[_Exit_ TENACITY, _and goeth to the inn for his ass_.
SCENE IV.
_Enter_ PRODIGALITY, DICK DICER, VANITY, _and_
[_to them afterwards_] TOM TOSS.
PROD. O monstrous, vile, filthy luck! see, in the twinkling of an eye,
Scarce knowing which way, I have quite lost my Money.
DICK. Out of all doubt, Prodigality, he is not gone yonder way.
PROD. Then seek some other course, make here no stay.
He must be found out, there is no remedy.
Thou know'st in what pickle we stand without Money.
DICK. Why, sure, Prodigality, it can be no other,
But he is returned to Fortune his mother.
PROD. Thinkest thou so?
Thou, Fortune, hearest thou? by fair means, I advise thee,
Restore my Money to me again: deal plainly and wisely;
Or by this sharp-edged sword, shalt see me play a proud part,
For I will have him again, in spite of thy heart.
VAN. Whom have we there, that keepeth such a coil.
PROD. Even he that will not put up such a foil.
VAN. What's the matter?
PROD. Vanity, to that dame thy mistress commend me,
Tell her--tell her, it doth not a little offend me,
To have my money in such great despite,
Taken so from me without any right.
What though it were once her own proper gift?
Yet given, 'tis mine own, there is no other shift.
Therefore charge her, in the name of Prodigality,
That he be restor'd to me incontinently,
Lest she repent it--
VAN. These be sore and cruel threat'nings, marry.
Is your haste so great, that by no means you may tarry?
PROD. I will not tarry, and therefore make haste.
VAN. Soft, sir, a little, there is no time pass'd.
You may tarry, you must tarry, for aught as I know:
Nay, then you shall tarry, whether you will or no.
[_Exit_.
DICER. 'Zwounds, sir, he mocks you.
PROD. Gibe not with me, you whoreson rascal slave!
For money I come, and money will I have.
Sirrah Vanity, Vanity! What, Vanity!
Speak and be hang'd, Vanity! What, will't not be?
DICER. What a prodigious knave, what a slave is this? [_Aside_.
PROD. Fortune, fine Fortune, you minion, if ye be wise,
Bethink ye betimes, take better advice:
Restore unto me my money quietly,
Else look for wars: Vanity, Fortune, Vanity!
DICER. Sir, you see it booteth not.
PROD. It is but my ill-luck.
Now the devil and his dam give them both suck!
What may we do? what counsel giv'st thou, Dick?
DICER. Marry, sir, be rul'd by me; I'll show you a trick,
How you may have him quickly.
PROD. As how?
DICER. Scale the walls: in at the window; by force fet him.
PROD. None better, in faith; fetch a ladder, and I will set him.
Fortune, thou injurious dame, thou shalt not by this villany
Have cause to triumph over Prodigality.
Why speak'st thou not? why speak'st thou not, I say?
Thy silence doth but breed thine own hurt and decay.
DICER. Here is a ladder.
PROD. Set it to.
[_Here_ PRODIGALITY _scaleth_; FORTUNE _claps a halter
about his neck; he breaketh the halter, and falls_.
PROD. 'Swounds! help, Dick: help quickly, or I am chok'd!
DICER. God-a-mercy, good halter, or else you had been yok'd!