Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917 - Various
So far as I am aware the latest creation is the infinitesimal word "as,"
or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des carreaux" (to
give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. To-day all France,
with that swift assimilation which has ever been one of its many
mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it.
And what is this new "as"? I gather, without having had the advantage of
cross-examining a French soldier, that an "as" is an obscure hero, one
of the men, and they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but
do not get into the papers or receive medals or any mention in
despatches. We all know that many of the finest deeds performed in war
escape recognition. One does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and
D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses and all the other desirable tokens of
valour are conferred wrongly. Nothing of the kind. They are nobly
deserved. But probably there never was a recipient of the V.C. or the
D.S.O. or the Military Cross who could not--and did not wish to--tell
his Sovereign, when the coveted honour was being pinned to His breast,
of some other soldier not less worthy than himself of being decorated,
whose deed of gallantry was performed under less noticeable conditions.
The performer of such a deed is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not
public hero. But why ace of diamonds? That I cannot explain.
The "as" can be found in every branch of the Army, and he is recognised
as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant.
Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be
numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying
anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of
these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that
chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A."
All that I know of the "as" I have gathered from the French satirical
paper, a child of the War, _La Baionette_. This paper comes out every
week and devotes itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette au Beurre_,
used to do, to one theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle,
usually in the army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the
War steadily occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I
find recorded an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to
tell it here, very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before
the attack at Carency, and he vouches for the accuracy of his report,
for he was himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbe a
regiment was assembled, and to them spoke their Captain. The scene was
the yard of a farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure
heap in the middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two
American reapers and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a
thin predatory dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable
and now and then scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the
dwelling-house door; the old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there,
drawn up, listening to their Captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all
hard-bitten, weary, all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed,
and all ready to go on for ever.
This is what the Captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking
calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen
the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant,
and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to
attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an
hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be
the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed
at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for
the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be
killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn,
according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at
Saida before the War. What will be left by the time you have reached the
point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a
lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold
it. Fall out."
That captain was an "as."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OW D'YER LIKE BEING PUT ON TRANSPORT WORK, MATE?"
"BLIMEY! WHAT THE DOOCE MADE ME TELL 'EM I'D ONCE DRUV A DONKEY!"]
* * * * *
Domestic Intelligence.
"Owing to doctor's orders Mrs. ---- has been obliged to cancel
all her engagements during Baby Week."--_Morning Paper_.
* * * * *
I STOOD AGAINST THE WINDOW.
I stood against the window
And looked between the bars,
And there were strings of fairies
Hanging from the stars;
Everywhere and everywhere
In shining swinging chains,
Like rainbows spun from moonlight
And twisted into skeins.
They kept on swinging, swinging,
They flung themselves so high
They caught upon the pointed moon
And hung across the sky;
And when I woke next morning
There still were crowds and crowds
In beautiful bright bunches
All sleeping on the clouds.
* * * * *
From a constable's evidence:--
"In his attempt to arrest her she threw herself on the ground
and tried to smack his face."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
The long arm of the law resents such presumptuous rivalry.
* * * * *
"ALL KINDS OF DEVILS MADE TO ORDER. ---- & ----,
SHEFFIELD."--_The Ironmonger._
This looks uncommonly like an offer to trade with the enemy.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Wife (to warrior, whose politeness to the waitress has
been duly noted)_. "HUM! YOU SEEM TO 'AVE COME BACK 'ALF FRENCH."]
* * * * *
THE GIPSY SOLDIER
The gipsy wife came to my door with pegs and brooms to sell
They make by many a roadside fire and many a greenwood dell,
With bee-skeps and with baskets wove of osier, rush and sedge,
And withies from the river-beds and brambles from the hedge.
With her stately grace, like PHARAOH'S queen (for all her broken
shoon),
You'd marvel one so tall and proud should ever ask a boon,
But "living's dear for us poor folk" and "money can't be had,"
And "her man's in Mespotania" and "times is cruel bad!"
Yes, times is cruel bad, we know, and passing strange also,
And it's strange as anything I've heard that gipsy men should go
To lands through which their forbears trod from some unknown abode
The way that ended long ago upon the Portsmouth Road.
I wonder if the Eastern skies and Eastern odours seem
Familiar to that gipsy man, as memories of a dream;
Does Tigris' flow stir ancient dreams from immemorial rest
Ere ever gipsy poached the trout of Itchen and of Test?
Does something in him seem to know those red and arid lands
Where dust of ancient cities sleeps beneath the drifted sands?
Do Kurdish girls with lustrous eyes beneath their drooping lids
And Eastern babes look strangely like the Missis and the kids?
I wonder if the waving palms, when desert winds do blow,
In their dry rustling seem to sing a song he used to know;
Or does he only curse the heat and wish that he were laid
Beneath the spread of RUFUS' oaks or Harewood's beechen shade?
Well, luck be with the gipsy man and lead him safely home
To the old familiar caravan and ways he used to roam,
And bring him as it brought his sires from their far first abode
To where the gipsy camp-fires burn along the Portsmouth Road.
C. F. S.
* * * * *
"The Premier's principal speech was made in St. Andrew's Hall,
where he was presented with the Freedam of the
City."--_Liverpool Post and Mercury._
Which he promptly passed on to the enemy.
* * * * *
"Skilled non-workers all over the Union have for some time been
in great demand, and enough of them are not available at the
present time."--_Rand Daily Mail_.
There are still a few that the old country could spare.
* * * * *
"Rhode Island Red, 200 year old pullets, laying, 5s.
each."--_Nottingham Guardian_.
We fancy it must have been one of these veterans that we met at dinner
the other night.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BRUSILOFF HUG. THE KAISER. "I'M ALL FOR
FRATERNISATION, BUT I CALL THIS OVERDOING IT."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, July 2nd._--On the Finance Bill Mr. BONAR LAW exhibited a
conciliatory disposition; and, indignantly disclaiming the character of
a kill-joy, made several welcome concessions to the taxpayer. The late
increase in the tobacco duty is to be halved, so that the modest smoker
may hope to fill his pipe for a penny less per ounce. This hope, of
course, is dependent upon the decision of the all-powerful Trust.
[Illustration: NO KILL-JOY. MR. BONAR LAW.]
The Entertainments Tax also is to be modified, chiefly in its higher
regions. Intimately connected with this question is the case of the
"deadhead," argued with the zeal that is according to knowledge by that
eminent playwright, Mr. HEMMERDE, who knows all about the free-list and
its services in "enabling the management to keep the house properly
dressed"--this refers, of course, to the front of the house--during the
doubtful first weeks of a new play.
Mr. HOGGE was in his place again. It had been reported that, consequent
upon a hasty pledge to remain in Liverpool until his candidate was
returned, he was now doomed for ever to wander an unquiet sprite upon
the banks of Mersey. But he has wisely determined that Parliament must
not suffer to please his private whim.
_Tuesday, July 3rd._--The House of Lords was crowded to hear Lord
HARDINGE'S comments upon the Mesopotamia Report. Even those critics in
the Commons who had declared that a civil servant should not take
advantage of his position as a peer to make a personal explanation
would, I think, have had no reason to complain of its character. His
object was not to defend himself, but to call attention to the splendid
services that India had rendered to the Empire during the War in other
fields than Mesopotamia. In his own phrase, "India was bled absolutely
white during the first few weeks of the War."
When the report comes up for formal discussion Lord CURZON will
doubtless have something to say, and will say it in vigorous fashion.
To-day, with the air and mien of a highly respectable undertaker, he
contented himself with acknowledging Lord HARDINGE'S contribution and
deprecated further debate.
Lord ROBERT CECIL, safely back from his travels, does not appear to have
kept himself up to date in the interval, for he was ignorant of the
refusal of the Allies to allow Greece to set up a republic, although Mr.
KING, with his superior sources of information, knows all about it.
[Illustration: PARENTAL PRIDE. LORD DERBY.]
At the close of Questions a stalwart young man in khaki advanced to the
Table, and, amid the cheers of the Members and to the obvious delight of
Lord DERBY, who sat beaming with parental pride in the Peers' Gallery,
added the signature "STANLEY" to a roll which has rarely been without
that name since "the Rupert of debate" signed it there close on a
hundred years ago.
Excess profits provided the theme for some lively speeches to-day. Major
HAMILTON did not see why farmers should escape the tax, and instanced
the case of a potato-grower who had made ten thousand pounds out of a
couple of hundred acres. Several Members connected with the shipping
interest protested against the tax. Mr. LEIF-JONES implied that it was
more disastrous than the U-boats, and Mr. HOUSTON loudly protested at
being represented as a harpy.
By these complaints Mr. BONAR LAW was absolutely unmoved, and for very
good reason. He had himself a few thousands invested in shipping, and,
as he was getting about fifty per cent., instead of the modest five per
cent. which he had anticipated, he had come to the conclusion that even
under present conditions the trade was doing pretty well. After this
confession of an involuntary profiteer the tax was agreed to. But the
farmers, with next year's Budget in view, are praying that the
conscientious CHANCELLOR will not invest his surplus profits in land.
_Wednesday, July 4th_.--We all know the ex-poacher-turned-game-keeper.
The converse process has taken place in the case of Lord PORTSMOUTH,
who, when he ceased to be a Minister of the Crown, became a bitter
critic of successive Administrations. His complaints of our blockade
policy were frigidly acknowledged by Lord MILNER and hotly resented by
Lord LANSDOWNE, upon whom Lord PORTSMOUTH'S ruddy beard always has a
provocative effect. It is all very well to talk of being ruthless to
neutrals, but if we had adopted the noble lord's policy early in the War
would the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes be to-day floating side
by side all over London?
Mr. LYNCH'S latest suggestion for the furtherance of his Republican
propaganda is that the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS should remove from the
streets all statues of deceased monarchs, and replace them by those of
great leaders of thought. Sir ALFRED MOND absolutely refused. The worst
kings sometimes make the best statues, and he is not prepared to
sacrifice JAMES II. from the Admiralty even to put Mr. LYNCH himself on
the vacant pedestal.
"P. R." came up smiling for another round, and, having secured the
services on this occasion of Mr. ASQUITH as judicious bottle-holder, was
expected to make a good fight of it. The EX-PREMIER scouted the notion
that the new plan of voting would fill the House with freaks and
faddists, a class from which, he hinted, it is not, even under present
conditions, entirely immune. But the majority evidently felt that there
could not be much amiss with a system which had returned such wise and
patriotic persons as themselves to Parliament, and they outed P. R. by
201 to 169.
_Thursday, July 5th_.--It is hardly surprising that the Government has
decided not to proceed at present with its great scheme of nationalizing
the liquor-traffic. The announcement that, in order to meet the
requirements of the harvest-season, the brewers should be allowed to
increase the output of beer by one-third, brought a swarm of hornets
about the CHANCELLOR'S head. Mr. LEIF-JONES (irreverently known as
"Tea-leaf JONES") was horrified at the thought that more grain and sugar
should be diverted to this pernicious liquid; Mr. DEVLIN and other
champions of the trade were almost equally annoyed because the
harvest-beer was to be of a lower specific gravity. The storm of
"supplementaries" showed no sign of abating, until the SPEAKER, who
rarely fails to find the appropriate phrase, remarked upon "This thirst
for information," and so dissolved the House in laughter.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Gunner (home on leave)_. "WAITER, MY NEIGHBOUR'S EFFORTS
WITH HIS SOUP (BY THE WAY, I'M SURE HE OUGHT TO BE INTERNED) ARE MORE
THAN I CAN BEAR. WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME BY ASKING THE BAND TO PUT UP A
BARRAGE?"]
* * * * *
THE WEARY WATCHER.
["Almost exactly a month ago--on May 30th--I advised my readers
to 'Watch Karolyi,' and now I emphasize the advice."--_"The
Clubman" in The Evening Standard, July 2nd_.]
Since very early in the War
My Mentors in the Press
Have never failed in warning me,
By way of S.O.S.,
To keep my eye on So-and-So
In times of storm and stress.
I think that WINSTON was the first
Commended to my gaze,
But very soon I found my eyes--
Tired by the limelight's blaze--
Incapable of following
His strange and devious ways.
I watched the PRESIDENT and thought
(Unjustly) he was canting;
I watched our late PRIME MINISTER
When furious scribes were ranting,
And vigilantly bent my looks
On HARDEN and on BRANTING.
I watched JONESCU, also JONES
(Great KENNEDY) and HUGHES;
I sought illumination from
BILLING'S momentous views;
I watched Freemasons, Socialists,
And Salonica Jews.
And lately with emotions which
Transcend the power of rhymes
I've scanned with reverential eye
Those highly-favoured climes
Ennobled by the presence of
The ruler of the T***s.
I've glued my eye on seer and sage,
On Mecca's brave Sherif;
I've fastened it on what's-his-name,
The famed Albanian chief,
Till, wearying of the watcher's task,
At length I crave relief.
So when I'm bidden at this stage
To start the game anew
And keep KAROLYI constantly
And carefully in view,
I think I'm wholly justified
In answering, "Nah Poo!"
* * * * *
AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT.
"Dundee," said one of its leading citizens at the luncheon,
"will stand by Mr. Churchill to the last letter."--_Daily
Chronicle_.
Evidently "l" itself would not sever Mr. CHURCHILL'S connection with his
old friends.
* * * * *
"$20 buys a horse, good in his wind, if sold at
once."--_Canadian Paper_.
Better not wait for his second wind.
* * * * *
"Coow wanted, first week in August, for Lads Brigade Camp, 120
Lads; must be used to Field kitchens."
It looks like being "bad for the coow."
* * * * *
GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
WAR WORK.
War work is what wimmen do when their arnt enuff men. Or men do it too
sometimes if they are rather old and weak and cant be soldiers, but it
is mostly wimmen. Some war work you get paid for but some you don't. It
just depens whether you are rich and do V A D or poor and do munisions
and things. V A D means something but I forget what. My brother says it
means Very Active Damsles but you cant beleive him, and anyway no one
talks of damsles nowydays besept in potry. If you are a V A D you have
to do as your told just like a soldier but Daddy says they don't do it
always, and Mummy says its because they all know a better way than the
other persons. But then they don't cost anything so the hospitle people
don't mind much. If you do munisions or are a bus conductor you do get
paid so you maynt talk so much or you would get sent away. If I dident
have to go to scool I would love to be a bus conducter and go rides for
nothing.
PHYLLIS BLAKE (age 10).
* * * * *
MY FAVRIT HERO.
A Hero is a man you agmire teribly much or he can be in a book. It is
rather dificult to say who is my favrit Hero. There are such a lot of
them. Some are lord French genrel Maud King Albert and the VCs. When I
was litle I use to think the man who fed the Lions at the zoo was the
most bravest man in the wurld but that was ever so long ago before the
War. I don't no very much about King Albert and the Others so I wont
rite about them. I will rite about lord French. I agmire him most
awfuly. I saw him once. He was coming from the camp were my Brother was
and he smiled at me quite on perpose. But he doesent no me realy and
praps that wont show he is a Hero. But he is one all the same becos he
had only a weeny litle Army at the Begining of the war and he helped
them to hold tite until more Men came. Or the Germans would have wun. He
was only sir then now he is a lord.
MOLLY PRITCHARD (age 7-1/2).
* * * * *
"Berlin declares that the Russians have begun an offensive which extends
from the Upper Stokhod to Stanislau, a distance of over 125
metres."--_Daily Telegraph_.
Never believe what Berlin says.
* * * * *
AT THE PLAY.
"MRS. POMEROY'S REPUTATION."
Candour (subacid virtue) compels me to set down that there was nothing
very notable or novel about the manipulation, by Messrs. HORACE ANNESLEY
VACHELL and THOMAS COBB, of the comedy of needless complications
entitled _Mrs. Pomeroy's Reputation_. The occasion was chiefly notable
for the return of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH to active service and the welcome
she was given by her splendidly loyal following.
_Sir Granville Pomeroy_, childless head of an odious family, has designs
on, and for, the son of his brother's pretty widow, he suspecting her to
be no fit and proper person to bring up a young _Pomeroy_. And indeed
three short months after her husband's death she played bridge, bought a
kimono and an expensive carpet, and, it is said, even flirted. Why such
recklessness? Well, she discovered a stray daughter of her sainted
husband. The irregular mother died, and of course solid _Mrs. Pomeroy_
with the bubble reputation did the handsome thing, and shut her mouth
until the fatal moment in the Third Act, when it all came out. Whereby
and wherein she discovered that the philandering _Vincent Dampier_ could
trust where the solemn _Maurice Randall_ could not. As a side issue the
blameless baronet had a little goose to wife, who went to _Dampier's_
Maidenhead bungalow and fell into the river. Elaborate lies to explain
quite simple situation to fool anxious to believe the worst. Moral:
Never lie to save a little goose.
[Illustration: LETTICE AND IMPROMPTU DRESSING.
_Lettice_ MISS LETTICE FAIRFAX.
_Georgina_ MISS VIOLET VANBRUGH.
_Vincent Dampier_ MR. FRANK ESMOND.]
Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH was patently nervous with her part, a little jerky
and restless. She needn't have been. Loyalty would have carried her
through a duller play, to say nothing of her charming looks and her
queenly way of wearing a beautiful gown. Mr. LOWNE, as the baronet, made
effective play with a quite impossible part in a quite futile situation,
and held the reflector up to the best Mayfair Cockney with "_Georginar_
explains." He needn't apologise; we know it's true to life! The piece of
acting that most cheered me was Mr. GRAHAME HERINGTON as the
philanderer's manservant--a very tactful and observant performance. Mr.
FRANK ESMOND, the philanderer, seemed ill at ease (partly art but partly
nature, I judged, perhaps unjustly). Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX as the little
goose was what I believe is known as adequate.
T.
* * * * *
The Food Shortage.
Letter received by a schoolteacher:--
"Dear Miss,--Will you please let Sam out about 20 minutes to 12
o'clock. His Granma is undergoing an operation this morning and
I want Sam for dinner.
Yours truly, Mrs. ----."
* * * * *
From a report of the British Music Convention:--
"'How the British piano can raise the trade to Imperil dignity'
was the subject of an address."--_Scotsman_.
We hope the British piano will resist the temptation.
* * * * *
"Portobello's dressing boxes for lady bathers are practically
ready. There are fifteen boxes at the Band Stand enclosure,
very much resembling ballot boxes in size, shape, and
material."--_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_.
A happy thought to prepare the new voters for taking the plunge.
* * * * *
"The members of the Cabinet occupied specially reserved seats
in the choir and lectern, where also the Lord Mayor was
seated."--_Scotsman_.
A little hard on the eagle.
* * * * *
From a cinema advertisement:--
"Actual Scenes of our Local Charming Cheddar Valley and the
Beautiful West of England Coast Scenery, also predicting those
Glorious Sunset Scenes that made Sir Alfred Turner
'famous.'"--_West Country Paper_.
The General _will_ be pleased.
* * * * *
"To-day the weather has cleared, but the record according to a
correspondent who, signing himself the 'oldest inhabitant,' has
recently written to the press, stating that in 1178 there was
snow on Simla on 14th April, has now been easily
beaten."--_Rangoon Times_.
The oldest inhabitant, however, is still undefeated.
* * * * *
MY CUTHBERT.
For months I had been chasing Cuthbert. I had a store of withering
phrases burning to be poured over his unmentionable head. Last Tuesday
my opportunity arrived.
A stranger was sitting comfortably in a deck-chair watching the vacant
courts at the tennis club. His keen bronzed face and his obviously
athletic body, clothed in white flannel, brought back to me the far days
when the sharp clean crack in the adjoining field told of a loose one
which had been got away square.
I looked at him again and thought how glad he must be to get into mufti
for a few days. I tell you this to show how unprejudiced I was. The only
other signs of life were the two super-aborigines who inhabit the
croquet patch and detest all other mankind. I approached one of them
warily and asked a question. He regarded me with a bilious and
suspicious eye.