Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 13, June 25, 1870 - Various
* * * * *
[Illustration: AS TIBBS HAS OFTEN REMARKED TO MRS. T.: "IT ISN'T HIS
DISPOSITION TO SHIRK ANY LITTLE DOMESTIC DUTY, BUT HOW ABOUT MEETING
ONE'S BACHELOR ACQUAINTANCES, YOU KNOW?"]
SONG OF THE CHICAGO LAWYER.
Divorces, Ho! Divorces!
Ye sorry lords, come one and all!
Afflicted wives, come at my call!
I have a balm for all the smarts
And pains of unrequited hearts;
I have a cure for every ill
That matrimonial feuds instil--
Come ye unto my call!
Here, pretty one!
I know your lord refused to buy
That velvet dress, no reason why--
He is a brute! There, do not cry,
I'll drive the tear-drop from your eye,
And you again, fair one, shall be
From such a selfish thraldom free--
Take courage, then--look up!
This way, good sir--
Is raging, wild insanity;
Ha! ha! my friend, is that the plea?
Oh, well, we've doctors by the score
Will prove it twenty times, or more,
Or, if it may His Honor please,
Will swear the moon is made of cheese--
Come on, good sir, come on!
Good morning, pious friend!
You wish for ministerial aid
To prove the flaws? Be not afraid--
The ministerial conscience leads
Sometimes to proving of misdeeds,
Which less exalted minds would hold
It nobler to have left untold;
But duty, sir, is stern.
Divorces, Ho! Divorces!
We'll put them through at Dexter speed,
And, this late day, there is no need
Of flying off to Indiana
In such a helter-skelter manner;
We're going to have a train, you know,
'Twill stop, (with patients passing through,)
Five minutes for divorces.
* * * * *
INTERESTING TO ITINERANT CIRCUS COMPANIES.
You can make your tents waterproof by Pitching them.
* * * * *
MORE MYTHOLOGY.
APOLLO. This gentlemanly deity was the manager of the Sun. By this
statement we do not mean to imply that he had any connection with the
_Sun_ of the present day over which Mr. DANA presides, although his
fondness for a good lyre has led many to suppose that he was the patron
of the classic journalists. The Sun which was in APOLLO'S charge was the
same respectable luminary which has been seen at London no less than
three different times during the present century, and which daily shines
upon this free and happy republic. What APOLLO'S duties as keeper of the
Sun were, is not precisely known. Probably he was required to
superintend the scouring and brightening of the solar disk. At any rate,
since he gave up his office, the Sun has become freckled over with ugly
spots, the cause of which no modern astronomer has yet discerned;--the
scientific chaps, with their customary want of common sense, having
never once surmised that these spots were simply rust occasioned by a
lack of proper scouring. The theory that APOLLO really did scour the Sun
is substantiated by the ancient legend that he used to scour the heavens
in a swift chariot drawn by several coursers. The greater is universally
admitted to contain the less--except in the solitary instance of the
nutmeg grater, which generally contains nothing but dust.--Hence the
deity who scoured the entire Heavens would unquestionably scour that
small portion which we call the Sun. This is an argument which will
convince any one but a strong-minded woman or a Protectionist.
APOLLO, as we have already said, was very fond of the lyre. He was also
an archer--not the one who shot at a crow, although his name does begin
with "A," but an archer who was addicted to drawing a very long and
ornamental bow. This is doubtless another reason why he is believed to
have been the guide, counsellor, and friend of the journalists of the
period. Indeed, so firm is the belief, even at the present day, in his
honorary connection with journalism, that one of our best known editors,
whose personal appearance strikingly resembles that of the best statues
of APOLLO, is frequently called, by way of compliment, "the APOLLO of
the press." Need we say that we refer to Mr. HORACE GREELEY, who
receives this title quite as much on account of his professional
eminence, as because of his resemblance to the APOLLO BELVIDERE?
APOLLO was the first individual, mortal or immortal, who became a public
lecturer, and--after the manner of our most popular lyceum
lecturers--propounded unintelligible conundrums to the confiding
public. He had a Hall at Delphi, where he used to speak upon "The Lesson
of the Hour," and his oracular sayings were every bit as valuable as
those of RALPH WALDO EMERSON himself. People used to ask him all manner
of questions, precisely as they now ask questions of the editors of
newspapers. Now-a-days if a girl wants to know what she shall do to
change the color of her hair, she writes to the editor of PUNCHINELLO,
and receives a satisfactory answer. Had she lived two thousand years
ago, however, she would have gone to Delphi and asked APOLLO, who would
have oracularly answered, "Dye." As APOLLO never wrote his
prescriptions, the girl would have been uncertain whether he meant to
say "Dye" or "Die," and after the manner of her sex, would, of course,
have chosen the wrong interpretation, and have immediately drowned
herself. By such responses as these, APOLLO sometimes accomplished much
good, though usually his oracular sayings were as useless as those of
the Veteran Observer.
* * * * *
THE CROWING HENS.
The ladies, bless 'em! are disgusted with man management, and seek to
inaugurate a season of Miss management.
* * * * *
RICHES HAVE WINGS.
Gen. BUTLER'S failure to profit by his investment in the Lynn
shoe-manufacture, may at this time be justly regarded as another proof
that wealth has wings and "shoe-flies" away.
* * * * *
THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.
(This is one of the other Poems.)
BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST.
PART III.
PELLEAS, when he left ETTARRE'S gate,
Through all the lonely woods went groaning great;
And there, while driv'ling round in doleful plight,
He met monk PERCEVALE, reformed knight;
A wise old fox. You'd never catch him in
A tavern, Sundays, drinking milky gin!
PELLEAS button-holed him, and said he,
"As good as GUINEVERE I thought my she!"
Then PERCEVALE, pure soul! did laugh serene.
"My friend," said he, "you must be precious green.
As good as our queen, you thought your she!
I'll bet she's all of that, whoe'er she be."
PELLEAS dropped his jaw and clenched his fist,
Then through his white calcaveous teeth he hissed:
"She'll die, she'll go to burning flame!
She'll mix her ancient blood with shame!
The wind is howling in turret and tree."
"That's so," said PERCEVALE, "but you or I
Can't help all that, you know. So friend, good bye."
In darkest woods--down in a lonely dell,
A peanut woman sat--her wares to sell.
But brave PELLEAS, turning not aside,
O'er that poor woman and her stall did ride.
And as he wildly dashed along, pell-mell,
To all the night-bugs thusly he did yell:
Rosy is the West!
Rosy is the South,
Hard enough her cheek,
False enough her mouth.
When the happy Yes
Comes from lips and eyes,
Pass and blush the news
That the lady lies.
While thus PELLEAS kept his crazy course,
And tried his best to founder his poor horse
Out from the city came brave LANCELOT,
His steed just on a comfortable trot.
And as he rode thus gaily, all alone,
He loudly sang, in his fine baritone,
"There's many a black, black eye, they say, but none so bright as
mine.
There's GALAHAD and ARTHUR; GERAINT and old MERLINE,
But none so gay as LANCELOT, in all the land, they say;
For I'm with the Queen all day, Mother! I'm with the Queen all day."
But when PELLEAS, riding wild, he heard,
To stop his song the thought to him occurred;
And shouting loud, he cried, "Who's there? Hello!
What now? Hold up! Look out! Hi-yi! Ho, Ho!
Pull up, young man, and tell me who you be."
PELLEAS stopped, and thus gave answer he:
"I'm just exactly what my fancy suits;
I'm FECHTER'S Hamlet, and I'm CLARKE'S De Boots;
I'm Champagne CHARLEY, and I'm SUSAN ANTHONY, you know--or any other
man."
"If that's the case," said LANCELOT, "we'll fight."
"Well," said PELLEAS, "that suits me, all right."
Said LANCELOT, "As anxious you appear,
Just make a ring out in this meadow here.
I'm somewhat drowsy, and to sleep I'll go.
Just wake me when you're ready, friend, and so,
Comrade, leave me here a little, while as yet 'tis early morn.
Leave ms here, and when you want me, sound upon the bugle horn."
PELLEAS now worked hard, marked out a ring,
And made it smooth and nice as anything;
He dug and sodded it, and after that
He got a roller and he rolled it flat.
When all was done, he blew a warlike catch,
And LANCELOT skipped up, and toed the scratch.
Down went their visors--each fell back a space,
And on they came at a tremendous pace.
They met! A crash! And LANCELOT, proud knight,
He knocked PELLEAS higher than a kite!
The mighty din of battle scarce did cease,
When came old PERCEVALE, who yelled, "Police!"
He might have yelled forever; they came not.
The victor sneered, "My name is LANCELOT."
Then said PELLEAS, "Well, suppose it be,
It makes no earthly difference to me."
As glum PELLEAS on the ground did sit,
Said PERCEVALE, "Young man, git up and git!"
Then cried the other, "Easy 'tis to talk--
I'd like to know how ever I can walk.
Broke, broke, broke!
Are three of my bones, oh see!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me."
Then PERCEVALE, he took him on his back,
And in the Queen's wide hall, down dumped him,--smack!
"Hello!" cried GUINEVERE, "here's been a fight!
And I not there! Young man, it serves you right!"
PELLEAS got upon his pins once more,
And thus he sang, while hobbling to the door:
"O ho! good Lady GUINEVERE
From yon blue heavens above us bent,
The grand old gardener and his wife
Smile, though they never saved a cent.
Remember that, and should you find
Time on your hands too heavy go,
Oh! teach the orphan girl to read,
Oh! teach the orphan boy to sew!"
(THE END.)
* * * * *
WAT CUM SNECST?
OR
The Oriental Mule.
A SKELETON DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY D. BOSSYCOW, ESQ.
[Managers who purchase this great sensation have the right to substitute
any other title, to suit their special tastes, abilities or otherwise.
Also to fill up the list of characters, ditto, ditto, ditto.]
CHARACTERS (absolutely necessary.)
CLEONI _A Young Man in Love._
LUCY _A do. Woman do, do._
GIMFRISKY _Prince of Eareigh._
* * * * *
ACT I.
_Room in a Cottage._
CLEONI. Ah! Oh! my beloved, 'tis well!
LUCY. Hush! no more. I see it all.
CLEONI. Cans't thou see my mother?
LUCY. I cannest.
(_They suddenly rush into each other's arms, where they remain in two
swoons; in the meanwhile the cottage is burned to the ground. Curtain
falls for two minutes, and upon its rising the Ninth Regiment is
discovered en bivouac on the ruins, its commander, the_ PRINCE,
_reclining gracefully on the ground._)
(_Background, river Amazin, mouth wide open._) _Solo on the banjo,
"Rest, Traveller, Rest_," by PAREPA ROSA.
* * * * *
ACT II.
_Room in hotel at San Francisco._
GIMFRISKY. Revenge? Aye, 'tis sweet. But see! they come!
LUCY. How now? But yesterday you said--
CLEONI. Hush, dearest, the time will come when--
(_A rumbling noise is heard, and soon the whole building is shaken into
remarkably small ruins._)
[_Half an hour is supposed to elapse, for refreshments, and when the
curtain rises_, GIMFRISKY, _who has emerged through a diminutive hole,
is discovered in the costume of_ AJAX _defying the lightning, or
something of that sort, singing_--
"I dreamt I dwelt in marble, O,"
"From quarries near to Tuckahoe."]
* * * * *
ACT III.
_Steamer on the Sound._
LUCY. How keiyind it was to give us free passes to our cottage by the
sea.
CLEONI. _I_ don't see it in that light.
LUCY. But when once more--
_Enter_ GIMFRISKY, _singing, "Will you come into my parlor, my pretty
little fly?"_
[_Here the stage simultaneously opens, and the noble steamer sinks out
of sight, leaving only the top of one of the smoke-pipes in view, from
which emerges_ BILLY BIRCH, _who sings to slow and solemn music_:
"Down, down, down, Derry down,"
"Tho' lost to sight, to memory dear."]
* * * * *
ACT IV.
_At the base of Mount Vesuvius._
_Enter the_ PRINCE of EAREIGH, _heavily enveloped in an elegant black
velvet opera cloak._
GIMFRISKY. They think they have eluded me, and although this is a hard
place to make a corner, I'll be--
LUCY. What a beautiful--(LUCY and CLEONI _having entered_, R.H.)
CLEONI. Yes, here will we dwell until--But what form is that?
[_The_ PRINCE _here throws off the aforesaid black velvet opera cloak,
and appears in a dress somewhat à la Sing Sing and Charlestown, to wit,
one-half in an Admiral's uniform, the other half being that of a
military officer._]
GIMFRISKY. My dear friends, I have no refreshments here to offer you,
but I will show you the crater, if you will follow me.
LUCY. Lead on, thou gay and festive youth.
CLEONI. This gittin' up is somewhat rugged--
GIMFRISKY. Aye, but I'm used to that kind of business; but here we are
at the top.
[_At this moment an awful eruption takes place, and all are enveloped in
smoke. Soon this clears away, and above the crater appear two huge paws,
holding the_ PRINCE _head downwards, while_ LUCY _and_ CLEONI _may be
seen in loving embrace, sitting under a balloon, and steering due
West._]
_Epilogue by_ C. SUMNER, Esq.,--"Sweet are the uses of adversity."
_Curtain falls to slow and solemn music._
* * * * *
A LONG SHOT.
MR. DISRAELI, in "LOTHAIR," introduces a roving Oxford professor, whom
he characterizes as a "social parasite." Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH is a roving
Oxford professor, who happens now to be amongst us, and who immediately
places upon his head, and ties tightly under his chin, the cap hung out
by the author of LOTHAIR. According to Mr. SMITH'S letter to the gay
LOTHAIRIO, published in the _Tribune_, the cap fits him to a hair,
whereupon he ungratefully shakes his fist at the donor of it across the
Atlantic, and stigmatizes him as a coward. This may lead to a long-shot
duel between the aggressor and the aggrieved. Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH, for
instance, who, in addition to being a roving professor, seems to have
become a raving professor, may go so far as to jerk the word "coward!"
at the teeth of Mr. DISRAELI, through the Atlantic cable. "Glad the cap
fits!" would probably be the prompt response from the trans-Atlantic
party; and thus the culminating Billingsgate might be bandied about
beneath the ocean until all the mermaids turned to fish-wives, and
learned to be so vile in their language as to shock even VENUS
ANADYOMENE, and send her blushing away to the darkest grottoes of the
deep.
* * * * *
ORGANIZING AN ORGAN.
To Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S great disgust, the managers of the coming Beethoven
Festival in New York sent to Boston to borrow the great organ used in
the Coliseum. Fortunately it is found that there is not time to move the
monster here, and put it up. Now let us have an organ that is an
organ--something entirely original--an organ with meerschaum pipes,
specie-paying banks of keys, stops calculated to produce a maximum of
go, with the Rev. Mr. BELLOWS to furnish the music power and the Rev.
HENRY WARD BEECHER to supply the wind. Let us have an organ which will
surpass all other organs in the world, whether the same be political,
phrenological or physical!
* * * * *
ERRATUM.
A Bavarian Princess has been announced as lecturing in this city on the
"Equality of Women."
For "Equality of Women" read "He quality of Women."
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RURAL NUISANCE.
"AND WE MUST SUMMON THE LAW TO OUR AID.----IT CAN HELP US MATERIALLY IN
OUR WARFARE WITH THE COWARDLY VAGABONDS WHO TRAVERSE OUR FIELDS WITH
MUSKET OR RIFLE, BLAZING AWAY AT EVERY UNSUSPECTING ROBIN OR THRUSH THAT
THEY CAN DISCOVER. MAKE IT TRESPASS, PUNISHABLE WITH FINE AND
IMPRISONMENT, TO SHOOT ON ANOTHER'S LAND WITHOUT HIS EXPRESS PERMISSION,
AND THE COWARDLY MASSACRE OF THE FARMERS' HUMBLE ALLIES WOULD BE CHECKED
AT ONCE."
_Mr._ GREELEY'S _"What I Know about Farming," Tribune, June 4._]
* * * * *
PHILADELVINGS.
It would be a good thing for New Yorkers, when they feel a little dull,
to take a run over to Philadelphia and be amused. The good Quakers have
all the hail-holes in their windows mended now, and they are as lively
as ever. Among other things, they have two rival variety theatres,
"Fox's" and the "Chestnut;" and the efforts of each of these to excel
the other creates the greatest excitement among the young Broadbrims.
Each establishment is continually adding something new and wonderful to
its attractions. A week or so ago the weather was very warm, and the
vegetable theatre announced that it was the coolest place in the city.
The next week it was damp and cold, and the animal establishment
declared that its building was the hottest in town. One has a _danseuse_
who spins around so fast that she bores a hole in the floor of the stage
with her toe; and to emulate this, the other produces sixty danseuses,
all imported from Europe, who spin around so fast that you cannot see
them at all. They are all there on the stage, but from the rising to the
falling of the curtain, their velocity is such that they are absolutely
invisible. The one announces no tedious waits; the other no tiresome
measures. Fox guarantees no jokes of his stale; but this statement is
ridiculed in the Chestnut bur-letta. The one advertises itself as the
cradle of wit, but the other does not abate its scoffin' a whit. The one
has a fountain of real water and MORLACCHI; while the other would have
the Gulf Stream, if it did not lack MAURY.
But these are not the only peculiarities of Philadelphia amusements. A
short time ago, the Conchological Society of that city gave a concert.
Did anybody ever hear of a Conchological Concert before? This affair was
a success, owing, perhaps, to its novel programme. "Shells of Ocean" was
of course sung as a solo, a duet, and a chorus; and SHELLEY'S
"Nightingale" was set to music and played as a 'cello solo. A variation,
for the piano, on CRABB ROBINSON'S diary, was also given. The
"Conquering Hero" was sung, and indeed the music dealers declared that
to furnish suitable selections for the performers at this concert, they
had stripped their shelves. Many of the "Hard Shell" Baptists took an
active part in the affair, and SHELTON MCKENZIE was one of its principal
supporters. It is pleasant to learn that the proceeds of the concert
were satisfactory, for the members of the society were obliged to shell
out liberally in order to get it up. A little disturbance was created at
one time, by an unruly boy, who became clamorous for an _encore,_ and
remonstrances only made the young cub boisterous, but one of the
officers threatening to knock him higher than a conchite on Mount
Lebanon, he quieted down. The hall was illuminated by _tentaculites_,
and presented a brilliant appearance. Most of the audience resided out
at Chelton Heights, and a heavy rain, which came up after the
performance, made them very glad to reach the shelter of their homes.
The Presbyterians had a lively time among the Quakers for a couple of
weeks. As they are now a united body, "Old School" and "New School" are
things of the past. But it must not be supposed that reference is made
to old SCHOOL of the _Evening Star_. He is not a thing of the past; and
it is one of the pleasantest recreations of the Philadelphians to sit at
their front windows and listen to his thirty thousand newsboys sing
together their vesper hymn--"Star of the Ee-e-e-vening!
Doub-ull-sheet-Star!"
Another peculiarity of Philadelphia is the way it utilizes its Fire
Department. Not long ago, a company of firemen, returning from a fire,
beheld a man trying to break into a house. The company immediately
comprehended that it was its duty to arrest that man. And so the Head
Man he blew his horn, and away they went, "apparatus" and all, after the
burglar, who had now taken to his heels. The bells rang, the men
shouted; and amid cries of "Sock her down, boys! Roll her, boys, roll
her! Hi! yi! yi!" the novel chase went on. But, as they could not
overtake the fleet-footed thief, a stream of water was played upon him,
but without stopping him. A hook-and-ladder company now coming up, an
effort was made to clap a ladder against the fugitive, but it could not
be done. And, after all, he escaped.
But to prevent too great an emigration of "the dangerous class" to
Philadelphia, it may be stated that that city does not rely entirely
upon its Fire Department to catch its thieves.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BLOOD-MONEY.
_Dr. Schenck._ "HOW IS UNCLE SAM'S INCOME PULSE?"
_Dr. Delano._ "VERY LOW. WE HAVE BLED HIM PRETTY FREELY, BUT MUST KEEP
BLEEDING HIM TO THE LAST DROP."]
* * * * *
LINES BY A HAPLESS SWAIN.
In ancient times, when suitors went to woo,
And heartless maids would send them hopeless back,
Lest the fond swains their courtship should renew,
The cruel belles would tender them the "sack."
And if one dared again renew the suit,
By ill success made desperate and bolder,
He fared still worse. From pa he gets a boot,
From her poor fellow!--only a cold shoulder.
Our modern usage in the Court of Love
Is, when the youth by some fair maid is smitten.
In token of his suit he sends a glove;
His suit rejected--she returns a "mitten."
Such is my hapless case, oh! cruel fair
Who sent this mitten--emblem of my fate;
But why the dickens didn't you send a pair--
For what's the use of one, without a mate?
* * * * *
PROPOSED MATCH.
The bull-frog weighing six pounds, recently captured at Bedford, Ind.
has been forwarded to the office of Punchinello, where it may now be
seen without charge. We have made arrangements with Mr. Gilmore, late of
the late Boston Coliseum, to put this fine artist through a regular
musical course, and he will appear in the orchestra at the New-York
Beethoven Festival, in a new overture entitled "The Music of the
Marshes." This piece will contain several obligato passages written
expressly for our Bull-Frog. After this, we shall challenge Mr. GEORGE
FRANCIS TRAIN to compete in public speaking with the Frog of
PUNCHINELLO, for a purse of $20,000--Mr. TRAIN to speak ten minutes
solo; the Frog to croak ten minutes; and then both to speak and croak in
duet also for ten minutes--the most sonorous performer to take the
money.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Punchinello Correspondence.]
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Maud Miller._--Move to Chicago and get a divorce. No doubt the Judge
would take the hint.
_Algernon Sw-nb--ne._--We are obliged to decline your contribution. The
verses are very pretty, but the morals of our paper must be preserved.
_U.S.G._--The expression, "The United States is at peace," is
ungrammatical, but you did perfectly right in writing to Punchinello
before believing it.
_Susan B. Anth-ny._--You are mistaken. DARWIN nowhere mentions any
process of natural selection by which a woman may in time become a man.
_Hon. Benj. Disraeli._--The expression, "I will put a head on you,"
which you say Prof. G-LDW-N SM-TH uses in a cable dispatch to you, is
merely a slang phrase which he has probably learned from his trainer.
_Payne Collier._--There is more than one Irishman in SHAKSPEARE. It
appears from the text of _Hamlet_ that he was on the most friendly terms
with the "melancholy Dane," from the familiar way in which the latter
addresses him:
_Ham._ "Now might I do it, PAT." _(Hamlet, Act III, Scene III.)_
It is impossible to say now whether the PAT in question was a Fenian or
not.
_Jack Ketch._--We think that listening to a debate in the House of
Representatives may fairly be considered the worst form of Capitol
punishment.
_Potter._--No, no. COLENSO was born in England. Though he was Bishop of
Natal, it was not his Natal place.
_Poetaster._--Was not HAFIZ a Persian poet.
_Answer._--Yes. Poor fellow! he spent HAFIZ life in making rhymes.
_J. F.--y._--Rumor says that Mr. W.B. OGDEN intends to defer commencing
to build the Central Underground Railroad until the new Court House is
finished.