Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 37, December 10, 1870 - Various
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Vol. II. No. 37.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1870.
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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of
Congress at Washington.
* * * * *
MAN AND WIVES.
A TRAVESTY.
By MOSE SKINNER.
CHAPTER FOURTH.
THE HALF-WAY HOUSE
The first person to discover that ANN BRUMMET had left the house, was
Mrs. LADLE, Now, ever since the Hon. MICHAEL had asked ANN to go to the
circus, Mrs. LADLE had hated her. But when he took ANN to the
Agricultural Fair, and bought her a tin-type album and a box of initial
note-paper, Mrs. LADLE was simply raving. Whether she herself was
viewing the Hon. MICHAEL with an eye matrimonial, and was jealous of
ANN, must remain an open question. At any rate, she was the first to
start the scandal about ANN and JEFFRY, and lost no time in conveying it
to the ears of the Hon. MICHAEL, with profuse embellishments. At the
croquet party the Hon. MICHAEL had been particularly sweet on ANN, his
ardor finding vent in such demonstrations as throwing kisses at her
slyly, holding up printed lozenges for her inspection, or tossing sticks
at her and dodging behind a tree. And when Mrs. LADLE went to ANN'S room
next day, for a good square scold, she found her out.
Now Mrs. LADLE was a mother-in-law, and consequently a pretty old fowl
in ferreting out things of this sort. She determined to discover the why
and wherefore of ANN'S departure. If she could confront the Hon. MICHAEL
with proofs of ANN'S indiscretion, it would be the loudest kind of
feather in her cap.
She examined everybody in the house, and everybody that went by the
house, but without the smallest result. She was out in the front yard
waiting for a fresh victim, when she saw HERSEY DEATHBURY coming up the
road. She signed to her to come in.
She came in.
HERSEY DEATHBURY was an extraordinary woman. A woman of genius, sir.
What if her make-up _was_ limited? What if, when she was born, nature
_was_ economizing, and gave her only one eye, and she was lame and
hump-backed, and hadn't got any eyebrows and wore a wig; what of that?
It's to her credit, _I_ say. You saw her just as she was. No airs
_there_. And in this lay the great charm of H. DEATHBURY'S character.
Looking at her closely, you would see a fixed and stony eye and a
chronic scowl, and you would say: "Disposition a little morose; some man
has soured on her." Looking at her more closely, you would see under her
right arm a common blackboard, such as is used in schools, and over her
shoulder a canvas bag containing lumps of chalk, and you would say: "A
little eccentric; likes to write on the blackboard instead of talking.
Would make a nice wife. Looks, on the whole, like a country schoolma'am,
whom the boys have stoned out of town, with the fixtures of the
school-house tied to her." But she has talents. What is she, an
authoress? "Yes, she is." But, like other authoresses, she isn't
appreciated, and has returned to her legitimate occupation, the
Wash-Tub; but still doth she itch for fame, and so, between times, she
writes verbose essays on Female Suffrage, composed during the process
known as "wringing." And when there's a Woman's Rights Convention in
that locality, she sits on the platform, and applauds all the Red-Hot
Resolutions with that trenchant female weapon, the umbrella, in one
hand, and an antediluvian reticule the other. In the words of the Hon.
MICHAEL: "She is not only a leading _Re_former, sir, but a great
_Plat_former." And Mrs. LADLE will tell you that, as a washer, she is
superb. She "does up things" in a manner simply celestial.
Mrs. LADLE told her first to shut the door.
"Have you seen ANN BRUMMET to-day?" she said.
HERSEY nodded.
"Where?" was the eager inquiry.
HERSEY DEATHBURY placed her blackboard against the wall, unslung her
chalk, and wrote in very large letters:--
"I C hur a-Goin on The rode 2 forneys Kragg."